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giving complete submission - 7/10/2008 11:12:03 PM

angelstrands

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

We tend to hear fairly often terms such as 'giving ones total and complete submission' and variations on this. What this means has been debated before and whilst opinions on that are not exactly what i am seeking from this thread, what i would like please to try and establish is HOW giving this may be acheived ?. in some relationships this may be pretty clear cut, perhaps the Dom & sub speculated from the outset full submission is what they so desired if not immediately, perhaps that was their goal.
What do you do when you love Your Dom and want to give but basically He is showing not much interest in you submission extending beyond the bedroom and that is making you feel sad and unfulfilled ?. Of course, Doms are not mindreaders i know so obviously i am sure many of Y/you will say that i need to tell Him how i feel.
However in this part time relationship of nearly 2years and uncollared would some might say this is a probably a sign of disinterest on His part?, that kinky vanilla is only what He seeks?
Masters, Doms, if You wanted more would You simply be asking for it by now? or would any of You be sitting back waiting for it to be offered? How can You offer it ?, especially when rejection frightens you.

Thank Y/you

Post #: 1

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 12:07:41 AM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Fast Reply: You have been with him 2 years. What kind of relatinship was it? Are you a sub or slave (your profile seems to be hidden)? Service oriented or sex oriented or both? Did he ever give you any idea what sort of plans he had for you? Did you have enough autonomy to try serving him in a pro-active manner?

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 7/11/2008 12:08:36 AM >

(in reply to angelstrands)

Post #: 2

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 12:21:38 AM

masterforRT

Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

Perhaps he's incapable of taking on the responsibiluty of a sub/slave. Many are. It takes a special person to be totally responsible for someone else. Or maybe he's greedy...
Have you heard of the saying: "Why collar the cow when you can have the milk for free?" Think about it...is he getting the milk for free?

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 3

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 2:12:45 AM

angelstrands

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

This all started in rather an unusual way. An attraction within an 'vanilla' setting which in theory could have led to a vanilla relationship. myself unknowing He was experienced in such things, Him initially i believe wondering if i was also but quick to discover i knew very little. so, i guess i 'found myself' during this time, it was a time of discovery for me and finally i knew what had been missing in relationships up to that point and i have been learning more and more ever since.

i guess i am sort of a naturally submissive so that may have have added to His confusion initially as we met in a vanilla setting. i actually approached Him, something very unusual for me to do (wouldnt have the guts normally). Now i think i was prob unknowingly at that time 'drawn' to His Dominant personality.

So i guess to start the D's element was mainly sexual then, He took it very slow at first, guess not to frighten me ! . But, it did extend eventuallt to other areas of my life, clothes, given me some tasks to do etc. Now thats all stopped, i dont know why, i have asked Him but He wont tell me why, guess He makes the choices understandably!. Like Him just as much but now i feel W/we are just kinky vanillas !. its been some months now since everything else seemed to 'stop'

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 4

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 2:18:03 AM

angelstrands

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

He did talk about a collar, many months ago now that was before things 'stopped' but its unmentioned now. perhaps He hadnt decided at that point, perhaps it was just the possibility of one one day in the future. perhaps He has changed His mind about the whole idea.

But i dont know the reasons why this never happened and why its not discussed now. i am left wondering if i did something to make Him change His mind or not. really have no idea!

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 5

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 2:21:47 AM

angelstrands

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

Yes, i think You may be correct in what You say here. its hard to know what to do when you have already developed strong feelings to that person and you dont want to loose Them in Your life

(in reply to masterforRT)

Post #: 6

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 2:31:14 AM

angelstrands

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

Yes, He is now getting this from me as i love Him and like Him as a person and W/we have good chemistry. Some i know dont go for the 'love' thing and whilst i personally think there is a place for love in this, if thats how Y/you feel, He is doing nothing however or very little now to Lead, inspire, increase my respect for Him or care and nuture outside the 'bedroom'

(in reply to masterforRT)

Post #: 7

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 2:35:44 AM

firstslaveca

Posts: 46
Joined: 4/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

Perhaps he's incapable of taking on the responsibiluty of a sub/slave. Many are. It takes a special person to be totally responsible for someone else. Or maybe he's greedy...
Have you heard of the saying: "Why collar the cow when you can have the milk for free?" Think about it...is he getting the milk for free?

huh? are you suggestion that she withhold her submission until she is collared? does a Dom not collar one because of thier connection, how he brings out her submission and she his Dominance, are you suggesting she be manipulative and hold back giving of herself and the type of person she wants to be for/with him untill she is "collared", and here i thought the collar was a symbol of what was, not a bribe to get more milk.

(in reply to masterforRT)

Post #: 8

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 3:04:38 AM

angelstrands

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

yes, i really agree with your feelings. thats why it makes it so hard to know what to do when you feel unhappy about how things are going. you want to give anyway because of how you feel for that person. the give me a collar or its over attitude is not very loving, i wouldnt never do that.

However i can see what masterforRT is trying to say in the sense that some Doms may think 'why should I make any effort here, when she gives me what i want anyway no matter what i do or dont do. i dont want to stop giving to Him. Just feel stuck in rut in that He is not asking very much from me and i have no idea how to GIVE MORE within the limited time W/we have together. i dont even have an idea if He even wants me to give more when all the talking and direction He started to take in other areas of my life have just stopped without any explaination or reason that i know of

(in reply to firstslaveca)

Post #: 9

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 3:21:47 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Life ebbs and flows.

That's the short answer.

The longer one is that we can't know what's going on with him.

He may have lost interest in D/s
He may have lost interest in you
He may be at a loss as to how to continue
He may be simply busy with other things
He may simply be living his life with D/s as a part of what you're doing, but not an overriding part
He may be way comfortable and take your relationship for granted or
He may be living life the way he sees fit and it's not right for you.

The bottom line is that there is no way we could know what is going on with him. It's said time and time again here, find a way to talk to the man and see what's happening.

I do know that in the very best of relationships, D/s is not static. Sometimes, it's more evident; sometimes it's less evident. Decide if you love and respect HIM and act accordingly. If you get the impression that this is just a down/off period in his life, the best suggestion would be to be patient and wait for his interest to wax again. Or move on.

That's the best I can do.

juliet

(in reply to angelstrands)

Post #: 10

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 3:47:22 AM

tigergrl30

Posts: 6
Joined: 4/29/2007
Status: offline

Its time for a sit down chit chat. Key is to do it in way that he doesn't feel cornered. But, it is at the time, where many relationships simply become hum drum. The instant attraction has gone away. Now is when one finds out the depth. Put it in terms of needing more, or needing to break things off. "Fish or cut bait" term is used a lot here. Everything needs to grow or it will die, as is sounding of your relationship.

However, with this chat, you do need to be ready for 1) him to say its over; 2) him to say he wants more, only vanilla; or 3) him not to have an answer. For the first 2, you need to be ready for whatever emotions will come. I mean... if it is #2, would you stay? If it is #3, give him a time period to figure it out, or it is over. That, and sometimes people don't know what they have until it is gone... a break might be in order.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 11

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 5:51:08 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I suggest opening things with "Master, are there any other ways that I can serve you?" Not putting him on the spot.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to tigergrl30)

Post #: 12

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 6:51:57 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

This seems to me to be a fairly straightforward relationship problem..

person A has needs x, y, and z.
Of those needs, Z is not being met

What else can you do but sit down with your partner and discuss it? Personally, I wouldn't be coy. Back-handed and indirect methods seldom get you anywhere in these sorts of things. Put yoru cards up on the table. If it was me, I'd open up with, "I'm not happy becasue..." and go from there.

In the end, this is the most basic of relationship skills and the most common of relationship problems.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 13

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 7:00:36 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

This seems to me to be a fairly straightforward relationship problem..

person A has needs x, y, and z.
Of those needs, Z is not being met

What else can you do but sit down with your partner and discuss it? Personally, I wouldn't be coy. Back-handed and indirect methods seldom get you anywhere in these sorts of things. Put yoru cards up on the table. If it was me, I'd open up with, "I'm not happy becasue..." and go from there.

In the end, this is the most basic of relationship skills and the most common of relationship problems.

I know you didn't mean basic in the sense of simple, but as in base. Being able to bring difficult issues to the table and discuss them in a mutually constructive way is the most important skill for creating a mutually rewarding relationship. It is also, as you point out, one of the skills many people lack.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 14

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 10:18:59 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

But, it did extend eventuallt to other areas of my life, clothes, given me some tasks to do etc. Now thats all stopped, i dont know why, i have asked Him but He wont tell me why, guess He makes the choices understandably!. Like Him just as much but now i feel W/we are just kinky vanillas !. its been some months now since everything else seemed to 'stop'

So the D/s relationship began, but did not continue for long, then stopped. You have asked him why, and he won't tell you. Yes, he makes the choices, but that doesn't mean your needs are ignored. A Dominant decides when and how his subs needs will be met, but he can't decide to simply ignore them, that is breaking the trust of the relationship.

You still have strong feelings for him. Still you are right, you really have just become kinky vanillas. You have deeper needs than that. Others have suggested you speak with him, but you have already done that to no avail. Thus I think you have a difficult choice to make. Either you need to sit down with him and tell him your needs are not being met, and what can the two of you do to rectify the issue. The danger for you is that if you push too hard, the relationship may not survive.

Or you could accept the situation as it is, enjoy the sexual kink.

Personally I would suggest the former, but you must be willing to take the chance that it could end the relationship. Always painful. But then, if he is ignoring your needs anyway, how much are you realy losing?

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to angelstrands)

Post #: 15

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 10:49:04 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

There is no guarentee that a Master would simply "ask for it". Some of us have egos and our own soft spots and it can mess with our heads if we feel we have to order someone to do something rather than them having it offer it to us. I'm that way about sex. If I don't have some clear indication that someone is attacted to me and wants to bed me, I'm not going to order them to do it. That makes me feel unwanted and I end up focusing on that the whole time.

You need to talk to him and flat out ask if he wants more. Don't try to be subtle and throw hints. Be blunt. If he doesn't want more, you have two choices...obey that wish or not.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to angelstrands)

Post #: 16

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 12:24:04 PM

masterforRT

Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: firstslaveca

quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

Perhaps he's incapable of taking on the responsibiluty of a sub/slave. Many are. It takes a special person to be totally responsible for someone else. Or maybe he's greedy...
Have you heard of the saying: "Why collar the cow when you can have the milk for free?" Think about it...is he getting the milk for free?

huh? are you suggestion that she withhold her submission until she is collared? does a Dom not collar one because of thier connection, how he brings out her submission and she his Dominance, are you suggesting she be manipulative and hold back giving of herself and the type of person she wants to be for/with him untill she is "collared", and here i thought the collar was a symbol of what was, not a bribe to get more milk.

I'm not suggesting anything, only pointing out the obvious. You seem to be suggesting , not me.

(in reply to firstslaveca)

Post #: 17

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 3:36:48 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Maybe he only wants a bedroom sub and doesn't want to lose you. Beyond that, have the existing rules changed? If he used to want you to wear skirts when you are with him does he now not care? Or is the level of control he wants simply a different level than you want.

There are times I feel the same but when I sit down I discover that it isn't true. He isn't sitting around thinking up new rules for me weekly simply because his life as it is now works for him. He has no interest in micromanagement, as long as he gets what he wants, he is fine letting me make decisions in other areas. Today's major discussion centered on spending an entire day trying new miniature golf places, not on having me crawl around on the floor to bring him a glass of water.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to masterforRT)

Post #: 18

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 3:40:57 PM

vidovanera

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Wow...I'll have to watch this thread.

(in reply to angelstrands)

Post #: 19

RE: giving complete submission - 7/11/2008 3:43:17 PM

NumberSix

Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

Chainsaws.

Let me say that again, because it bears repeating...

Chainsaws.

Lewis Black

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to vidovanera)

Post #: 20

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