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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/12/2005 11:45:51 AM

hedonisticToy

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: redheadedfire4u

there is no definition of love that I have ever found adequate and everytime I think I may have one ... some one stuffs it up

Personally, I like this simple definition:

quote:

Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
Robert Heinlein

This one tends to serve me well also:

quote:

Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies.
Carter Heyward

Love, for me, is all about the actions we are willing to take to support and aid the emotional, spiritual, and physical growth and well-being of those we love.

I first came across this concept of love when reading The Road Less Travelled by Dr. Scott Peck, and it was a turning point in my life for me.

Cin

_____________________________

...aka Vancouver_cinful (New ID for technical reasons)

quote:

If ever thou be'st bound in thy scarf and beaten,
thou shalt find what it is to be proud of thy bondage.
~ W. Shakespeare ~

(in reply to redheadedfire4u)

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/12/2005 12:05:18 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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A definition of love? Gee whiz, you people ask some tough questions. i fell in love with my baby and from the 1st, would have killed/been killed to protect her. i cannot adequately describe the bond i felt.

i agree with Vancouer_cin's quotes; love is needing someone else's well-being as much or more than your own. But loving a child is unconditional (for me) and lifelong. It is unbreakable and a dimension of my life.

Loving a Man, no matter how deeply, cannot (for me) be unconditional. If He hit me; cheated on me etc. i'd leave. Pronto. No looking back. With boundaries like these i cannot say i'd love unconditionally. i expect that Men are the same way; everyone (i think) has things which, if they occured, would be Intolerable and break the bond of love.

That is one reason i seek out a Man's character and values first and foremost; because if we do not share core values, nothing will ever happen between us.

candystripper

(in reply to hedonisticToy)

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Post #: 42

RE: Love in BDSM - 11/12/2005 12:18:20 PM

hedonisticToy

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

Loving a Man, no matter how deeply, cannot (for me) be unconditional. If He hit me; cheated on me etc. i'd leave. Pronto. No looking back. With boundaries like these i cannot say i'd love unconditionally. i expect that Men are the same way; everyone (i think) has things which, if they occured, would be Intolerable and break the bond of love.
candystripper

One important thing I discovered over the years is that all my love is unconditional...if it is love.

The distinction I draw is that loving someone and allowing them in my life are two separate things.

In loving myself I must take action to protect myself from the harm of someone who acts in a way that is detrimental to me. For me the love does not end but the ability to keep that person in my life does.

We continue to love those who have left us in death even though they are not physically here...and for me this is no different than loving those people who (for one reason or another) we have had to remove from our lives.

Just an over-deep thought in response to your post...I guess I'm feeling philosophical today. ::smiling::

Cin

_____________________________

...aka Vancouver_cinful (New ID for technical reasons)

quote:

If ever thou be'st bound in thy scarf and beaten,
thou shalt find what it is to be proud of thy bondage.
~ W. Shakespeare ~

(in reply to candystripper)

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Post #: 43

RE: Love in BDSM - 11/12/2005 1:47:58 PM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
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quote:

Sadism and Power Exchange are our sole gateway to intimacy. I can only love a woman who will take brutal violence and complete degradation from me. She can only love a man who has the need and will to knock her on her ass and use her.

The lower she goes for me, the more I love and value her.

They are our gateway to intimacy as well. It is how we love. The more brutal and nasty and vicious he is towards me the more I believe he cares. I have never heard anyone else express what you have said. I need a man who is capable of extreme brutality towards me..he is the only person I can love.

(in reply to ErosPsyche)

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/12/2005 4:20:43 PM

Littlepita

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Joined: 10/6/2005
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I sent my Sir this link and he was able to look at it today. He sent me an e-mail with his reply and said I may post it if I wish. I thought it was just lovely and of course speaks to exactly why I love him and want him for my Dom.

If pressed, I would have to say that your submission is not only part of what I love in you, but that it is a part that, without which, I would have a very hard time loving again ... I think the absence of D/s is part of why all of my previous relationships have been unfulfilling, and have failed.

In addition, for someone whose Dominance includes the growth of his/her submissive, love makes the focus much more consistent and clearer.

Thirdly, I can guarantee my "love" for you won't soften my demands on you or the edginess of our play. If it does, you would have every right to question both my love and my dominance.

Finally, love intensifies everything. My orgasms have been stronger; my need to top you has become so intense at times, I have to concentrate on control ... and you aren't even there! Even my food tastes better.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/12/2005 8:30:10 PM

redheadedfire4u

Posts: 104
Joined: 11/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
It is important to stress, that one doesn't judge others because they engage in causal encounters or consider that on-going loving relationships the only way to go. I have my perference... a perference that is discovered from experience of learning both sides of the coin. We each have our perferences... I believe it most important that we are making the choices that allow us to look in the mirror afterwards and be happy with what they see. I know I can!

Whether we speak of love in vanilla or BDSM, it is important to remember always that what rocks your personal boat may not annother's ... each has there own personal needs and desires and they are as important to them as yours are to you ...

I had someone once say to me that my pain was so much greater than theirs, that what I had survived was so much more horrific than their own ordeal ... yet my answer to this would be the same as my answer to love ... life's expereinces make up our tollerance and our expectations, to some degree our desires as well ... what is this more or less important but someones perspective ... I will squash a spider that I feel is a threat where someone else freezes with fear does that make their fear less real ... does my pain deminish the reality of hers ... does my love make hers less because it is different from mine ... respect for each other is to respect each other's differences as well ... for me I diminish what I feel and think when I belittle what other's feel and think ... in all I felt that her pain was as real and deep for her as my own was for me and I find the same with love ... it is a personal judgement that only you can make for yourself and should not be belittled or thought of as less because it is different form your own ... live and let live ... respect for others is important ... and the final decision on the validity of what you feel is yours as KnightofMists so eloquently put it
"I believe it most important that we are making the choices that allow us to look in the mirror afterwards and be happy with what they see."
warm smiles to all

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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Post #: 46

RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 1:20:25 AM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
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In the past, my relationships have been strictly slave/Mistress (other than the one, previously mentioned). I did not love them, though I did care for them. Have not permitted myself to become deeply attached.

The posts have been very enlightening. I have not participated in a forum before joining collarme and have to say, I have learned quite a bit. It is wonderful to know so many people have so much to offer. Even an old lady like me can learn something new. lol

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my question. I will be rereading many of them for a while. So many of you took the time to present a look at your own lives. It is appreciated.

Be Well

Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 1:43:11 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
Loving a Man, no matter how deeply, cannot (for me) be unconditional. If He hit me; cheated on me etc. i'd leave. [/color]

Now, what if it is your One who is hitting you for punishment? Would you leave then and if so would it be because you feel you have not lived up to his needs and expectations? Or because you are mad at him? Or would you stay? ;-)
One should try to be careful when making sweeping statements. We had a conversation at our Wings Night today in which someone was making great points until they said ALL people of that…. Say this. And we called him on it. Only deities can know all.
And I’m good… just not that good. ;-)
Tony

(in reply to candystripper)

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 7:06:17 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
Loving a Man, no matter how deeply, cannot (for me) be unconditional. If He hit me; cheated on me etc. i'd leave. [/color]

Now, what if it is your One who is hitting you for punishment? Would you leave then and if so would it be because you feel you have not lived up to his needs and expectations? Or because you are mad at him? Or would you stay? ;-)
One should try to be careful when making sweeping statements. We had a conversation at our Wings Night today in which someone was making great points until they said ALL people of that…. Say this. And we called him on it. Only deities can know all.
And I’m good… just not that good. ;-)
Tony

castle realm and their romanticizing

of lifestle bdsm...alto they do have some very good points............they make far too many romantic notions for/to woman about what to expect-------not all couples live that way..and his love for jade did soften him in many ways.........

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"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 8:58:57 AM

redheadedfire4u

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Joined: 11/11/2005
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funny but reading this one thought occured to me ... is it the word "hit" that people get stuck on ... if you were to say spanked, caned, strapped, whipped would all react the same as to the word hit... yet basically all hit in one way or annother ... to be hit does not suggest consensual play or due punishmment ... but rather aggression and hostility ... the difference associated with words ... feelings arise with there use I feel different about statements like
He spanked me ....
He caned me ...
He strapped me ...
He whipped me ...
yet substitute the word struck or hit and those feelings change almost instantly ... yet does not a strap whip cane and hand cause the same effect ... you are hit or struck by Him ... but for some reason I associate violence and aggression with the words struck or hit ...
just a thought anyway lol

< Message edited by redheadedfire4u -- 11/13/2005 9:00:33 AM >

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 10:14:24 AM

HenryMiller

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Joined: 10/16/2005
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Well, I loved my last Mistress, and it was the best. It sure does hurt when it's over though. Gallic shrug: No pain no glory.

(in reply to Kasia)

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 10:29:07 AM

ExistentialSteel

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I find the replies to the OP fascinating in that they reveal the mindsets of the posters in that some prefer analytical approaches while others extol the fire of love. I suspect that we all feel pretty much the same thing and it is only a result of the timing in one’s life that makes one support one side or the other (or the middle).

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 11:05:43 AM

girl4you2

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a very wonderful thing about love is that you can give all that you have, but still have all of it to give. i used to show this in a concrete way to my children with candles. i would give each a candle and have one of my own. i'd light mine and say that this represented all of my love. i then would light my son's candle using mine and say that this was me giving him all my love, and yet i still had all of mine (as my candle was still burning). i then did this again with my daughter's candle, showing her than even though i had given all my love to my son, i still had all my love to give to her, as well as having all my love left in myself.

it seems like such a simple thing, but it was a visual, concrete way to show what i do truly feel, that while i've all of my love to give still to a Master, i still give each of my children all of my love and always will.

as to unconditional, i will always love my children unconditionally. i may not be happy with the things that they do, but i will always love them. they are not their actions, they are who they are, my children, which is why i try to tell them that i don't like what they did, but i still love them.

the same may be said for significant others who enter one's life. while i may wish events to be other than what they may be or have been, i will always love (as opposed to being in love) many whom have been a part of my life. i try not to make that love conditional upon anything. my like may be another story. it is entirely possible to love someone but not like what they do or even them sometimes very much.

love, like those candles burning, is hard to extinguish. sometimes, the flame does go out and the wick grows cold, but far more often, the warmth from that flame is held deep inside.

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maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?

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RE: Love in BDSM - 11/13/2005 11:19:51 AM

redheadedfire4u

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now that was beautiful
warm smiles to all

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