What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM

What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (Full Version)

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DommeArtist -> What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/11/2008 6:52:40 PM)
So....Ive been seeing a therapist for a little while now. I have been trying to make heads or tails out of my "needs" and see if there is any way around them. To my greatest surprise....I think vanilla is really appealing to me for the first time in my life. That being said, I have had a long term sub (3 or 4 years) That I cherish. He has been given his freedom but we still play. We have had several converations about this....I just dont want to beat anyone anymore and although control is great, the heavy humilation stuff that we both used to enjoy is just not where my head is right now. Has anyone else gone through this? what do you do?

velvetears -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/11/2008 7:05:09 PM)
No easy way around it, just have to sit him down and have a long talk with him and let him know how things have changed for you. If the relationship is built on more then the dynamic maybe a compromise can be reached, if not and he needs more than you are able to give him he will be free to seek it with someone else. It's not going to be easy for him, i would imagine he will feel a void for a while, maybe even feeling kind of abandoned and lost. You have to be true to yourself, in the long run it will all work out.

Huntertn -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/11/2008 7:23:25 PM)
Just be honest...let Him or her know while you still care..Your no longer going to able to give them what you once did..and encourage them to look elsewhere....to do anything else is lying to them..and to yourself...

Skully7000 -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/11/2008 8:33:17 PM)
Ditto to those above... hopefully if your sub truly values you they will still consider you more then just their Dominant. and just because the realtionship has changed doesn't mean it needs to end. You might even be able to help them find a new partner since you are looking out for them and cherish them and after 4 years you should know them quite well. Cheers Skully

masterforRT -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/11/2008 10:29:46 PM)
In this case, Honesty is the best policy, and I agree 100% with what others posted above. Good luck to you!

MaamJay -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/12/2008 8:25:21 PM)
Yes You owe it to him to be honest. In that situation, I would try to maintain the friendship, and also help him to search for another Mistress who is likely to be a good match. After all, Your reference could be very important for him and it also adds credence to his explanation of why he is searching again. Perhaps once he has found someone else and is settled, You could gently fade out of the picture. Good luck! to You and to him too! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

DesFIP -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/12/2008 8:31:47 PM)
So keep control and try less edgy activities. Bondage, sensation play, wax etc. As long as he's with you because of who you are and not because you're the life support for a flogger, things could well work out. Talk about it. Besides just as you aren't into heavy humiliation right now doesn't mean that you might not get back into it in a couple more years. People change.

crouchingtigress -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/12/2008 8:36:38 PM)
totally of the subject, but can you explain why the ink in your 2 profile pics dont match up as the same human? re segueing: tell him whats in your heart....right? i mean thats all you can do...there is no magic words we can string togeather for you that you have not thought of...this will likely suck...breakups often do. i wish you peace.

Maestro66babycak -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/12/2008 8:38:28 PM)
Perhaps you should give him the choice to be your vanilla lover. If you cherish him so much ask him if he is willing : if he isnt then be understanding, if he is then goody for you , you have someone that you cherish to go thru life with.

Leatherist -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/12/2008 10:19:35 PM)
I guess it would depends a lot on his expectations. I have always made it clear that I see bdsm as a "fun hobby". And never as a "serious lifestyle I want to live 24 7." I like to play,I love making toys and seeing what they can do.....but there is no "spiritual connection" there for me. Because that involves something a WHOLE lot bigger than a few nerve tingles-or some chemical and hormonal changes to me. But you ARE going where you are, and that seems to be your destiny. Whatever makes you feel right in your universe. And if he is your friend, as well as your lover........... Won't he be happy to see you achieve that?

Ialdabaoth -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/12/2008 11:59:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress totally of the subject, but can you explain why the ink in your 2 profile pics dont match up as the same human? Actually, if you look closely you'll see that the green leaf tattoo is in both pictures - it's reversed in the other one because she's taking the pic in a mirror. She probably got the sleeve on the other arm done later. Just speculating...

DommeArtist -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/13/2008 12:13:46 AM)
they do...same flower on my left shoulder....the sleeve is new and still under construction. It was started may first and will be finished this upcoming sunday. Issues?

DommeArtist -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/19/2008 2:40:36 PM)
in case anyone was looking for a P.S. to the story....I explained clearly that I was "out", he flipped out, staged a fake suicide attempt and now has the expectation that we are back to normal ie: wants to come over and clean in order to "make it up to me" and Im avoiding him

HeavansKeeper -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/19/2008 2:47:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeArtist in case anyone was looking for a P.S. to the story....I explained clearly that I was "out", he flipped out, staged a fake suicide attempt and now has the expectation that we are back to normal ie: wants to come over and clean in order to "make it up to me" and Im avoiding him I would ask your therapist if they would do a relationship counselling session. The cold fact is that a relationship takes two, and when either party checks out, the relationship is over... Even if both parties don't see it. I've been in relationships of that length that ended... They hurt, a lot... There's no questioning that. If he truely wants whats best for you, and not him, he will learn that you have moved on. Try not to feel bad, you cannot control your needs.

Griswold -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/19/2008 5:13:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeArtist So....Ive been seeing a therapist for a little while now. I have been trying to make heads or tails out of my "needs" and see if there is any way around them. To my greatest surprise....I think vanilla is really appealing to me for the first time in my life. That being said, I have had a long term sub (3 or 4 years) That I cherish. He has been given his freedom but we still play. We have had several converations about this....I just dont want to beat anyone anymore and although control is great, the heavy humilation stuff that we both used to enjoy is just not where my head is right now. Has anyone else gone through this? what do you do? We all grow. We all move from where we are, to where we're going. If you've gone to another place...that's fine...and it's good. Just be aware that I've reviewed both your photos as well as your profile....and I'm quite overwhelmingly in love with you. (And I'm a sub). So you damn well better be getting back into your Domme thing...and rather fucking quickly. (Said, of course, in the most submissive of ways).

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: What to tell your long term sub when you are segueing out of BDSM (7/19/2008 5:32:38 PM)
I think this is totally cool you are founding new things about you. emotions feelings of comming out of a darkcloud as for your sub not a really easy answer. there is more to a relationship then just bdsm. doing what is best for both involed is never easy but doing the right thing never is yeah we can mentally cut this forty ways and say all the garbage of why you should or should not best advice i can give you is dowhat your gut says not what the popular drive by bloggers say after all we do not walk in your shoes or live your life just glad your finding a magical part of you best of luck

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