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AAkasha -> RE: Where are all the young people at? (7/12/2008 2:15:36 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: writerly808
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ORIGINAL: Daddystouch
19 here. I guess BDSM is a specific type of relationship that people want. It takes most people a long time to figure out what type of relationship they want, so I count myself lucky that I realised what I want early on.
Indeed; you nicely expounded on my observation that younger folks like us aren't as likely to be self-aware.
Another point I realized should be brought up after reading what you said is that it *is* a journey; I started reading about semi-explicit sex around ten or so (rote paperback romances = crack to preteens, IMO xD), and for the next few years that was about the extent of it; such reading was Terribly Naughty and hush-hush to my young mind. I started reading alternate lifestyle (gay) fanfiction around 14; I'd place my first encounter with light kink sometime over the year after that. Heavy kink and stuff actually labeled as BDSM or D/s (or M/s) was 16-18 age range. Actual slavefic, as well as original BDSM writing (both the reading and writing of), has been 18-present. Realization that it appealed to me *because* it spoke deeply to me came earlier this year. Maybe I just started the journey earlier than most. *shrug* (That said, I hope I didn't just grossly violate TOS by explaining this...)
Relatedly, just how many people, of any age range, are going to look at the average representation of BDSM (porn, literotica) and think "That's so me"? Most likely, to the average person, it will be so far off their perception of the norm as to make them back off, or even label it as sick, wrong, and/or abusive. I know that if I had come across some of the fictions that I think of as "tame" now when I was younger, I wouldn't've read them. Or if I had, I would've clicked away and not delved into it again for quite some time. (Or wouldn't have considered them "tame" at all! ;D) Everyone has triggers, and coming on strong vs. their perceptions is definitely one of them, for many. So if they brush against it when young, a person might think, "Woah, does anyone actually DO that? Scary!" and then steadfastly ignore it. But after x amount of actual life experience, they might look at the same thing, and be thinking, "Now that's interesting..."
A lot of people on these boards have said that it takes self-knowledge to live this life; to outsiders, this may seem hard or impossible, or perhaps just be a scary level of said awareness. The fact that it also takes strength on both sides of the coin, whether Dom, sub, slave, or a freaking pet starfish (...ew. I should delete that part...) may also be a factor because they'll look and say "I'm not that strong." (Alternately, the generic bullshit call that submitting doesn't take strength.)
Those of us that are already aware of what we want despite being young are, I guess you could say, incredibly lucky. :)
You make great points. I think the most overlooked thing by many kinky people is that even those of us that "grew up kinky" probably early on found that many adult acts of consensual BDSM were weird, too crazy, or disgusting. That exploration is an evolution, so you can't say a woman, for example, can "never be a femdom" if she wrinkles her nose at the BDSM porn you so gently push her way to read. I have to remind submissive men that I was tying up boys as soon as I was old enough to date, but I wrinkled my nose at that stuff too. Let's face it, a great deal of it is GROSS!
There is something to be said for the tame, slow, "boring" evolution of bdsm desires in youth concurrent with normal sexual activity. When I was in my early 20s and the Internet was new and I found little kinky communities only, mostly men in their 30s and 40s, I was highly grossed out (to use the term of the time) by their come ons and overt sexuality and very stereotypical view of "dominatrix" style domination. At 21 I would have been entirely GROSSED OUT to know what 30something Akasha engaged in regularly, let alone what almost-40 Akasha finds hot. But I never would have gotten to THIS point if I had been presented female domination as a "take it or leave it" lifestyle complete with dildos, strapons, vibrating butt plugs, head harnesses and milking machines. In fact, I was happy to say "I just like to tie guys up, you keep that kinky stuff to yourself" because at that age, let's face it, my experience with assholes (of the anatomy type, not personality type), ejaculate, and other advanced forms of sexuality were still limited because I was still growing.
There's nothing wrong with light bondage, roleplay, cuddling and communication as the foundation for what may later evolve into full blown kinky sex. My guess is that many 19-21 year olds are peeking over here and going, "Eww gross" and going back to their own level of experimentation, only to return here in 10 years with a more open mind.
Akasha
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