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playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 5:24:18 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
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rushing into any relationship is a bad idea, but i got to thinking about this.

with the submissive (often eager to show her submissiveness to her prospective new D) is there a case to be considered that giving 'in' too soon and too eagerly destroys the excitement of the chase for him.

should we remind ourselves that this is still man pursuing woman, whatever the dynamic and a bit of anticipation, having to work for it, not always being immediately available and not getting it all when they decide its time - though difficult for many s'types - gives the D'type a challenge and something with a 'prize' element, hard won that is all the more valuable when the s'type finally allows herself to be caught.

this might seem obvious to some, but you know, i dont think it is if you really get down and think about it.

ps: im not talking about play and play partners so much, which is a different dynamic, this is more about long term D/s relationships.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 7/12/2008 5:26:01 AM >

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 5:39:16 AM

katie978

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To me, pretending to struggle (relationship-wise) is kind of like playing the types of games people play in relationships. Don't call him until three days later. Tell him you're busy when he tries to set up dates. Play hard-to-get while playing with his head. I've never been a big fan of games in relationships...if I found it easy to submit to someone, it meant that I liked him and trusted him a lot right away. I see no reason to hide that and pretend to be coy and shy...to me, that's the same as lying. With all the jazz about open and honest communication, pretending to be hesitant when you're dying to dive right in seems silly.

Granted, I can also see the benefits of holding back from sub-frenzy. If a dominant told me to get on my knees direcctly upon first meeting, despite what sub-frenzy might be telling me to do, I'd still tell him to stick various things in various orifices (on his own body, not mine). I think that's a slightly different idea than what you're getting at.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 5:55:07 AM

lally3

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aha, you see, thats exactly what im talking about... i hate games too - i think theyre purile a waste of everyones nervous energy and surely this D/s dynamic should just do away with all of that rubbish, i mean its hard enough finding each other in the first damn place.

but im also thinking that - not games exactly, not spinning a line or telling a lie, just not giving it all out too soon creates a frisson and a build up and im not so sure a bit of hard to catch and pin down doesnt make the eventual get together more intense and meaningful. i dont mean be a bitch or ignore phone calls or not meet up and have fun together, i just mean dont give out too eagerly. be the s'type, just dont submit all of it too quickly. let them chase you a bit and give little bits of yourself at a time, rather than all of it all at once.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:08:28 AM

igor2003

Posts: 1718
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I'm going to give my answer even though i'm a male submissive...not female, not dominant.

Everyone is going to be different in what they hope to gain from a relationship and how they approach it. Regardless of whether it is a 'nilla relationship or a D/s relationship, for me, playing "hard to get" is dooming the relationship from the start. If i like someone i will try to approach them in a way that lets them know that i am interested. If at any point i start to feel that that interest is not mutual then i am outta here and on to the next. Why waste my time on someone that may or may not be interested in me in the end? And if all i am is a "game" to them then i've already lost interest.

By the same token, if i approach someone and indicate interest and they throw themselves at me from the very beginning there is a large red flag that pops up there as well.

Every person is different. Every combination of any two people is different. You'll just have to judge for yourself as you approach each one. For me, though, let's save the games until AFTER we know each other and can have mutual fun with them.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:26:34 AM

lally3

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this is no different to any other man woman chase - just because we're sub doesnt mean we should just roll over and give out cos they think we should be nice and subbie and do as we're told.

and im really not talking about games here, and im not saying that we dont encourage by being attentive, sensual, giving and all over delicious - im just saying we should maybe hold back a bit before laying it all out on the dining table with an apple in our mouths and a bunch of grapes up our arse.

i agree that everyone is different and every dynamic is different - but is the chase something we just dont do in this lifestyle are we really saying that we give out because we should all be grown up about it, in touch with our sexuality and sexually so emancipated that we can just fling ourselves forth without just a little bit of wait and chase.

i agree... truly, i do, but ive really been thinking about this just recently.

the birds do it, im not sure if the bees do it but just about every animal in the world does it - so why dont D/s folk do it. im curious.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:28:08 AM

Leatherist

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OOO,grapes up the ass,why didn't *I* think of that?

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:34:35 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
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All I know is when I gave my all, it was taken and not appreciated. Now that I am erotic, sensual, vulnerable and aloof they fall for me and work to win my heart?

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Post #: 7

RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:37:22 AM

lally3

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Joined: 3/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

OOO,grapes up the ass,why didn't *I* think of that?

oh, im sure you have..... just not admitting to it...

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:40:46 AM

Stusmobile

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From a Dominant point of view my initial thought was ugh, ugh and thrice ugh ...... but on reflecting I think I see what you're saying although I look at it from a slightly different angle.

Hard to get gives the impression of games, holding back when you really don't want to, basically being untrue to ones self. For me the "thrill" of the chase comes after that initial contact and first flush of wow. The trust that is earned, the release of walls and the breaking down of inhibitions. Right from the beginning we talked about wants, needs, wishes and ideas but we both knew that they were for later in the relationship. To begin with things were very low key and vaniila-ish and over time the things we'd talked about started to appear and get acted upon. That is a major part of thrill to me ... that growth and expansion of one another .... thats not being hard to get thats just the nature of trust and the growth in us and our relationship.

Its not a purely one sided phenomenom either, there have been discussions where I've been the one to feel uncomfortable, where I have to re-examine my own thoughts and really be sure that something suggested is ok for me. Neither of us is playing hard to get to keep that thrill going, the thrill of exploration and discovery is there all of the time.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:41:03 AM

lally3

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Joined: 3/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

All I know is when I gave my all, it was taken and not appreciated. Now that I am erotic, sensual, vulnerable and aloof they fall for me and work to win my heart?

-

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Post #: 10

RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:41:25 AM

favesclava

Posts: 1608
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tomorrow migh not come. i did not run He didnt chase. i think the challenge was in the training and the emotional aspect. but i dont regret for a moment not wasting time. i had already wasted enough.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:50:27 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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A lot may depend on each persons perceptions..I am sure many might see me as playing hard to get...but I am not going to jump into playing or into the sack until I have had time to get to know the person, for a bit and am comfortable with them ... their personal opinion may be that I am playing hard to get since I am not jumping into a relationship after just a couple of email exchanges

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 6:51:47 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

All I know is when I gave my all, it was taken and not appreciated. Now that I am erotic, sensual, vulnerable and aloof they fall for me and work to win my heart?

In my experience, there is nothing a man wants more than a woman who is not always available to him and who doesn't whine/complain/make constant bids for attention and demands. It always amazes me how easy it can be to maintain a man's interest. Just by being you.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:21:06 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stusmobile

From a Dominant point of view my initial thought was ugh, ugh and thrice ugh ...... but on reflecting I think I see what you're saying although I look at it from a slightly different angle.

Hard to get gives the impression of games, holding back when you really don't want to, basically being untrue to ones self. For me the "thrill" of the chase comes after that initial contact and first flush of wow. The trust that is earned, the release of walls and the breaking down of inhibitions. Right from the beginning we talked about wants, needs, wishes and ideas but we both knew that they were for later in the relationship. To begin with things were very low key and vaniila-ish and over time the things we'd talked about started to appear and get acted upon. That is a major part of thrill to me ... that growth and expansion of one another .... thats not being hard to get thats just the nature of trust and the growth in us and our relationship.

Its not a purely one sided phenomenom either, there have been discussions where I've been the one to feel uncomfortable, where I have to re-examine my own thoughts and really be sure that something suggested is ok for me. Neither of us is playing hard to get to keep that thrill going, the thrill of exploration and discovery is there all of the time.

yes, .... just because something feels wow, so great, so right, so wanted and fabulous - shouldnt mean that you dont take your time still.

often i think s meets D maybe only once and off they go, hurtling into activities neither one is ready for emotionally - the preliminaries of getting to really know a person are short circuited to play because that is how they feel the D/s relationship best expresses itself.... maybe

a time of real time being together, just eating out, walking in the park, building up the relationship where the dynamic is there but not overt gives the new relationship a deeper dimension when the physical side really starts to happen.

playing hard to get is relevant in some cases though. very often the expectation of a D and an s is that you do get down and doing pretty soon after the first meet - maybe thats because so much has been shared on the internet or the phone that the level of intimacy has reached a point where holding back seems unnecessary or even irrelevant. and yeah, cos we're adults playing adult games, we should be somehow emotionally better equipped than any other type of couple out there.

so, as an s'type im really thinking that if the pressure is on too soon, even if you want it just as much as the D, some holding back, some keeping back is maybe better than giving out too quickly before the relationship has been given a chance to take hold.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:28:50 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stusmobile

From a Dominant point of view my initial thought was ugh, ugh and thrice ugh ...... but on reflecting I think I see what you're saying although I look at it from a slightly different angle.

Hard to get gives the impression of games, holding back when you really don't want to, basically being untrue to ones self. For me the "thrill" of the chase comes after that initial contact and first flush of wow. The trust that is earned, the release of walls and the breaking down of inhibitions. Right from the beginning we talked about wants, needs, wishes and ideas but we both knew that they were for later in the relationship. To begin with things were very low key and vaniila-ish and over time the things we'd talked about started to appear and get acted upon. That is a major part of thrill to me ... that growth and expansion of one another .... thats not being hard to get thats just the nature of trust and the growth in us and our relationship.

Its not a purely one sided phenomenom either, there have been discussions where I've been the one to feel uncomfortable, where I have to re-examine my own thoughts and really be sure that something suggested is ok for me. Neither of us is playing hard to get to keep that thrill going, the thrill of exploration and discovery is there all of the time.

yes, .... just because something feels wow, so great, so right, so wanted and fabulous - shouldnt mean that you dont take your time still.

often i think s meets D maybe only once and off they go, hurtling into activities neither one is ready for emotionally - the preliminaries of getting to really know a person are short circuited to play because that is how they feel the D/s relationship best expresses itself.... maybe

a time of real time being together, just eating out, walking in the park, building up the relationship where the dynamic is there but not overt gives the new relationship a deeper dimension when the physical side really starts to happen.

playing hard to get is relevant in some cases though. very often the expectation of a D and an s is that you do get down and doing pretty soon after the first meet - maybe thats because so much has been shared on the internet or the phone that the level of intimacy has reached a point where holding back seems unnecessary or even irrelevant. and yeah, cos we're adults playing adult games, we should be somehow emotionally better equipped than any other type of couple out there.

so, as an s'type im really thinking that if the pressure is on too soon, even if you want it just as much as the D, some holding back, some keeping back is maybe better than giving out too quickly before the relationship has been given a chance to take hold.

Double Time!!!!

your BFF, Lushy!

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Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:33:33 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
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I'm a Dom and as such, I feel that I am the one who is responsible for setting the pace, based on what both she and I feel comfortable with. I have frequently misgauged this, usually moving too slowly.

If you give me signals that I'm moving too quickly, then it's my call. Do I slow down, or do I tell you that things are moving too slowly for me? Ignoring your signals is not an option for me and strikes me as similar to ignoring a safeword.

If I find that you're slowing down the relationship simply because you can and are playing games, that's topping from the bottom.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:41:44 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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whats a BFF - trying to think..... ummm, nope, cant.....

fuzzled today.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:43:07 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
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From: Chicago, IL
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fast reply

it depends on the man who's chasing me. since each has their own different way of approaching me, i merely control the pursuit of me until i'm ready to submit.

i'm an easy person but not that easy once the game begins.

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:48:10 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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If I find that you're slowing down the relationship simply because you can and are playing games, that's topping from the bottom. (quote DarkSteven)

ha! - but it isnt, and thats my point. initially, in those early stages when the D/s hasnt really got going, putting it across that she is controlling the relationship by not giving out to your expectations is putting pressure on, that many subs will give in to because they do not want to be thought to be topping from the bottom or being awkward or anything less than submissive in your eyes.

ok, maybe the title 'playing hard to get' wasnt the right title for this - maybe 'holding back until your ready' would have been better.

and im really not talking about immature games some people play here - thats something totally different.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 7/12/2008 7:50:42 AM >

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RE: playing hard to get.. - 7/12/2008 7:52:14 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

whats a BFF - trying to think..... ummm, nope, cant..... fuzzled today.

a bff is a best female friend...but suppose it could be best fuck friend too?? ;)

< Message edited by urlittleprincess -- 7/12/2008 7:53:11 AM >

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Post #: 20

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