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Practical experience in submission? - 7/12/2008 2:37:28 PM

dragon2760

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I have seen it posted a couple of times over in the ask a slave/submissive forum about how important is it that a Dominant has some practical experience in BDSM. I would like to pose a similar question to the Dommes here as to how important is it to you that a submissive/slave have some practical experience in submission?? The reason I ask this is that my personal experience is limited, although I do have some, and in communicating with a couple of Dommes, not just here on CM, that they were not into training and have implied that if I want to increase my chances of finding a lifestyle Domme that I should seek out a professional first for the practical experience that most Dommes are looking for. I appreciate any responses and insights that you may give me in this matter. Thank you.

< Message edited by dragon2760 -- 7/12/2008 2:39:46 PM >

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/12/2008 2:43:28 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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For me, it's not important at all. In fact, my current play partner had all of a week's worth of experience before we started. I'm one of those people who enjoys virgins though. I get off on being the one to "boldly go where no one has gone before" so the less experience a person has, the better. The one drawback I've found is that a sub with little to no experience doesn't always have enough knowledge to know where his hard limits are or what any potentially problematic trigger issues are. However, that's not a big deal. It just means I have to go slower and pay a bit more attention.

Oh gee...more playing over a longer period of time...rats.

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/12/2008 4:08:52 PM

Nikolette

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In my opinion this can be a double edged sword: practical experience. (And the lack of it for that matter) .... On the one hand it helps for the person to have a foundation of BDSM information and experience so that I don't have to teach them every thing. On the other hand they, then, sometimes have a lot of bad experiences and assume that others shall be the same... or just fall into the trap of thinking all Dommes maybe similiar if they've only had one.

But the lack of it has been more frustrating to me personally than the more negative aspects of having experience (getting jaded, set in ways).... This seem especially true for those who identify as TPE slaves. If someone has no experience in TPE slavery in person---- I just disregard that they are calling themselves a slave, since its almost impossible to really know what that will be like for a person unless they've tried it. I, then consider that its more like "I'm aspiring to be a TPE slave" Prior to my additional experience I glossed over those ideas. However since then I've seen, time and time again people have trouble swimming in the new waters of BDSM and make a lot of silly presumptions about their comfort levels and/or abilities to serve.

I don't really recommend seeing a pro-Domme unless you just want experience in specific physical acts... since the pro-domme+sub dynamic is much more different than the intimacy in the relationship domme+sub interactions... It doesn't really prepare you for the more intimate and emotionally intense interactions.

What I think is more important than practical submission and/or seeing a Pro-Domme is a willingness to learn and the strength of character to realize that one is inexperienced, and is making boundaries as a result of that (ie: No I'm not willing to do breath play yet until I'm more comfortable in some of the other, less dangerous activities.... or I can't say for sure if I'd like BLANK or not because I've never actually tried it, but I'm eager to! etc) ... I encourage novices to read the message boards, research topics they are curious about, befriend a sub who has experience and can share resources/stories/info.

I think its important to assess people on an individual basis and THEN make the call of whether or not they are acceptable romantic partner candidates.

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/12/2008 7:08:39 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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I think experience can be good in the sense that it gives any individual, submissive or dominant, a chance to explore what xhe does or doesn't like, and to get a feel for some of the more technically complex aspects that can show up in scenes or in daily activities. Few of us are actually -trained- in things like piercing or butler's service in our daily life, so experience can be helpful. In addition, experiences are valuable for experience's sake alone -- an opportunity to try something or learn something can change an individual's perspective enough that it either shifts or solidifies their very essence.

Aside from that, I am neutral. A potential servant who has had many owners may have a fistful of wonderful training -- or a fistful of bad habits. The same goes on the other side of the fence. I don't mind training from the ground up, but that has its own set of risks, because it is not uncommon that someone inexperienced will ask for something that sounded "cool", but discovers half-way through that xhe -hates- what xhe's doing.

I think the most important factor is just to try different things with different people, and see what clicks and what doesn't. We've worked a lot with servants and submissive individuals who have a lot of experience. It was interesting, but we spent a lot of time undoing old habits that didn't work for us. Now, we're trying something new, and taking a serious look at less experienced prospects. We'll see what happens, but we're hopeful that, inexperienced or experienced, the right people for our situation will find their way to us, or us to them.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/12/2008 8:28:41 PM

PanthersMom

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experience can be helpful, but then again, what one domme wants another might detest and consider it a bad habit to be broken. personally, i'd prefer someone who knows enough to try not to screw up, but also doesn't presume to know what i want based on prior relationships.
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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 12:29:58 AM

Vendaval

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If a prospective sub/slave does not have actual BD/DS/SM experience, then I ask about other types of submission and service. Have they been a waiter or administrative assistant, personal care attendant or the like? Were they in the military? And then we can compare those previous experiences with D/s roles.

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 1:12:54 AM

SurrenderForMe

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My response would depend on the age of the sub. I have met online and in person, alot of men who were 30 and older who lacked experience. If someone claims to be submissive, that is too long for me to take them seriously. There are very few reasons that make sense to me for that lack of experience. If one has this as an integral part of oneself, one couldn't ignore it.

It has the same feel for me as people who are still virgins. If the reason is religious, I don't want to know about it. If it is any other reason, they just weren't interested enough to make the effort. Or, there is some issue. I don't want to start out with obvious issues.

Under 30 and I have no issue with it. It gives me a clean or cleanish slate to work with, unless they read too much bad porn. Taking them and making them fly, because of the newness, adds to the high for both of us. It is so easy to scare the little boys and girls when they are new. Lots of fun.

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 5:48:23 AM

dragon2760

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Thank you all for your responses. I just got in from working a 12 hour shift and the mind is a little fogging right now. I will say though that maybe I need to take a deeper look into the relationships that I have been in over the past 32 years and the things that did occur in them, looking at it from a more BDSM mindset and see that maybe I do have a little more experience than I have considered. To be quite honest with you I had never really heard about the BDSM lifestyle up until just several years ago and that the way I was within those relationships was even related to something like this. For the most part I just considered what we did do in the bedroom as nothing more than kinky sex. I just know though that overall I was the more submissive one in those relationship. Again thanks for the replies.

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 7:00:20 AM

thetammyjo

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Knowledge and self-reflection is more important to me than whether or not you have experiences in submitting to someone else.

If you are interested in a specific list of fetishes or activities then yes you can find that more easily with someone you hire -- I'm more likely to get my air conditioner fixed if I hired a repair man than if I look for romantic partner especially if what I really want is someone to repair things around the house.

If someone says they don't want to try a new submissive they just want him to know what to do, I question their own level of knowledge and any realistic grasp they might have about how relationships work even Ds ones. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who has such a weak grasp of reality?

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 12:45:55 PM

dragon2760

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Thank you thetammyjo for your thoughts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragon2760

I just know though that overall I was the more submissive one in those relationship.

I don't mean that in the sense that I was a sissy or a wimp, it's just that I would defer to them when it came to issues concerning our relationships together.

I mean I was born and raised a Sothern Baptist in a small town in the deep south. Sex was not even a normal topic of conversation much less BDSM and when I did find out about there being this type of lifestyle I was already in a commited marriage relationship and thus did not persue it further other than to try to bring a little bit of it into that relationship.

(edit) I'm sorry for the rant, it looks as if I have just overreacted to the age reference. I've gotten that several times too. Sorry.

< Message edited by dragon2760 -- 7/13/2008 12:47:42 PM >

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 5:46:25 PM

Dari

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Actual experience is much less important to me than a willingness to learn and to explore. I don't mind exploring various activies with a newbie to the lifestyle; I'd be less comfortable about a long list of "Thing I Like To Do" and "Things I Don't Like To Do" and "Hard Limits" from someone who's never even had a pair of cuffs on. To me, that's either a sign of a judgmental mind, or it's a sign that said newbie has read or watched waaaaay too much porn. Note that some hard limits are understandable, but others are just silly, depending on what they have listed. If "Things I Like" includes flogging, blood play, and knife play, and "Hard Limits" includes spanking - then that's a red flag to me that something odd is going on. If I liked the person already, it would spawn questions. If it were in the early stages? The conversation would end.

Open mind, clean slate? No problems.

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RE: Practical experience in submission? - 7/13/2008 6:42:11 PM

DominaSusan

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I think there are quite a few folks who are in a similar situation as yourself-including me. Judging from the number of ‘The Conversation’ posts here, you are not alone. I agree about the age thing-it is damm hard to come out particularly if you are in a committed vanilla relationship for many years. For most folks, we just don’t live, or where brought up, in a BDSM friendly community. In my case I happened by chance to marry a BDSM sub-maybe my domineering personality only attracted subbie men. In some way it is fun to discover BDSM together. I feel, however taking on a new sub with little experience does require a Domina with a greater degree of experience. You might want to join a BDSM club in your area-as I have done in my area. The experience has been invaluable.

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