When the Dynamics Change. . .

When the Dynamics Change. . . (Full Version)

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sujuguete -> When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 7:09:07 AM)
Because of certain recent life events, D has decided that we should not be D/s right now, and instead should be friends. I'm having a really difficult time with this. Okay, it is confusing the hell out of me. I've known him for two years, belonged to him for over a year and a half, and because of my love and respect for him I want to go along with his wishes. The problem is that I don't know how to be his friend. I've been his submissive, and then his slave, and both those roles were comfortable to me. Trying to go back to a friendship is hard as hell. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation? How did you handle it?

urlittleprincess -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 7:24:41 AM)
im so sorry to hear about your situation and can only imagine how hurt and confused you are...(((hugs offered))) is there a chance the relationship may resume its normal D/s state soon? i am certainly not an expert on relationships...ive been with my Dom for a year and half but it is long distance and has undergone many many changes. when we have had very difficult times we have talked about being 'just friends'...and we both know it won't work. if we were to try that route, guaranteed the following would happen: when together we would naturally slip back into our comfortable roles and when apart we could not tolerate hearing about the other dating, etc. the D/s dynamic is too strong...and He has told me that He doesn't think He could be 'just friends' with me...so, if our D/s relationship were to end, we would not be able to see each other or speak for a long time...as it is, i am moving to be with Him next month but that is no guarantee of happiness or success either... i wish you nothing but the best...

favesclava -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 7:44:46 AM)
i have no counsel. but offer you good thoughts sent your way during a difficult time. Blessed be.

Missokyst -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 9:25:07 AM)
I work for and with my former dom. We were a ds couple actively for 6 yrs, with me stepping back after that for an another year while his life was going through changes. I stepped back, but we were still affectionate friends. We chatted nightly, met for lunch 3 times a week, and went out for dinner once a month for a year, but didn't have sex anymore. And then.. everything stopped. His issues had suddenly resolved, and while I waited .. he moved on. He has a nilla life now, a woman he lives with, and we still work together. I try not to think of him as my friend any more, even though he considers himself my friend. Sometimes he would try to respark that thing we had, by groping me, grabbing my hair, giving me that voice, and in the beginning I responded. But I realised that he was needing someone to fill that void of bdsm which she will not. I will not be that for him, and I let him know that the next time he tries anything I will tell her. He hasn't tried now for over 2 months. I am both sad and relieved. The more time that passes the more relieved I feel. I will always love him because that is the sort of person I am, unfailingly loyal once I have given that over. But I can and have moved beyond that in the past and I will again. Sometimes you just have to look at something logically. There are other people who may fit into your life better. There may be someone out there who needs you as much as you need them. And even if you still have feelings for the first guy life goes on. Sometimes it is even better. Just don't let him slide and manipulate you now and again, it only prolongs the pain. Kyst

DesFIP -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 10:34:00 AM)
We live together so there are times what with all the ums and work and other stuff that everything falls back but we still play, I'm still making his tea, proof reading his work, getting a low level of dominance from daily life. Of we weren't living together, I think I'd back off a lot. Because just as he has every right to say that a d/s relationship doesn't work for him, you have every right to say that a vanilla friendship doesn't work for you. I'm assuming that because of these issues he doesn't have much time to see you. I'd respond briefly to emails and get off the phone quickly and I wouldn't chat. Because if he has two hours nightly available to chat, then why isn't he using this time to resolve his issues?

Missokyst -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 12:51:08 PM)
was this response to me? Cause I know exactly why he wasnt resolving his issues. He had me to distract him. When I pulled that away he was forced to deal. And when it was resolved he thought I had moved on because he knew I was chatting with someone else. He had no way of knowing that I was just killing time, and as a result he moved on. I am ok with that. I get that not all things can work out. What I could not accept was his wanting to have me, while also living his nilla life. I can do nilla, I was not offered the option. And I choose not to be less than what I need. Kyst

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 12:56:43 PM)
It might just not be possible. It's much more likely for people to revert to a vanilla partnership rather than to simply shift all the way to "just friends." Honestly, for most people, Ds is not something they put on and take off based on how stressful life is. I only hope you went into this knowing that when things got hard, he'd pull away and end the dynamic. If not, I'm really sorry you both had to learn the hard way. The problem now of course is that once the stress goes away, will he desire to get into that dynamic again? Will you be secure and fulfilled with that knowing the next time life hits (and it always will) that you will have to shift again?

SandyBottom -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 1:18:03 PM)
Yes, it is hard as hell. But really it is a very essential part of a relationship. When I was vanilla, I often slept with someone, then would back of and be just friends for a while. I liked to get the sexual tension out of the way, so I could see if we were really compatable, not just horny for each other. This sounds like a similar situation. If you love your D, be a good s and learn to be friends. If it is going to be long term, you will need this relationship more than the D/s.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 1:30:18 PM)
It's not about being a good sub or not- if that were true then the best slaves would seek vanilla relationships. Just because you aren't fulfilled when one partner decides they need a huge change in the foundational dynamics of the relationship doesn't make you any less submissive or not as good of one.

Lockit -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/13/2008 3:15:44 PM)
I have had this with someone and it is hard, but we find our way through it because we love one another. We do not want to live together or be a couple, but we do want to be friends. The dynamic's diminish and we feel lost at times, but determined to get through the changes, we do. At times there is very little contact and at others it is almost like it was before. Maybe we are in that transition phase and it will end totally, I don't know, but we will always love each other and the time we had. We look at it as a time of growth and loving. We both learned a lot from each other and nothing changes the value of that. We had a few scrapes in the begining of our change, but through it all we continue to move on and forward. Our lives were just not meant to be spent together. But we take from it all what we can and look not from a bitter sweet place or a place of desires unfulfilled... but as if we were stepping stones for one another, very loving stepping stones, who will sometimes wish to feel the stone beneth our feet, but who know that our feet must not linger there in that place and must keep moving. I do wish you well and hope that the pain or lost feeling subsides. It will, it is just a matter of time, healing and moving on. Hang in there!

sujuguete -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/15/2008 4:16:11 PM)
Thank you all for the thoughtful and supportive responses. It's nice to know that others have gone through similiar situations and come out okay in the end. Well, things are not as dire as they seemed, and this situation has really underscored the need for communication, communication, communication. Over a year ago I had told D that I didn't think I could ever handle a long-distance relationship. It was not an issue at the time, since he and I live and work in the same city. Fast forward to today, and there is a 95% possibility that D's job situation will take him to another state, 400+ miles away, at the end of August. Since I have joint custody of my children, I can't move to be with D. Knowing what I said about LDR, D thought it would make the parting easier if we curtailed the physical aspects of our relationship (sex and pain play) now, and I guess he assumed I would no longer want to be his submissive under those conditions. We had a long talk last night, and I assured him that I was committed to him, and that I wanted to try to continue the relationship no matter where he lived, if he was willing to continue. Thankfully, he does want to continue. He still maintains that we should avoid the physical stuff (I disagree, but it's his decision), but he is very willing to continue with the mental/emotional domination. He gave me my instructions for the next few days, and I couldn't be happier about that. While I understand how he came up with the idea that I would want to end the relationship if he moved, things have changed over the past year. Our relationship has become so much deeper than the physical aspects, and I can't imagine not belonging to him. It won't be an easy road, but he may be able to return to this area in a year or two, and my kids won't be kids forever, so I may be able to go to him eventually. In the meantime, there's always road trips on long weekends. I'm not giving up hope yet!

DesFIP -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/15/2008 4:26:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst was this response to me? Oops, mea culpa. No it was a fast reply. And I agree with you, that not giving you the option to be part of his vanilla life was unfair. As was his expectation that you would still remain on the shelf in case he ever wanted you back, refraining from talking to others. Because expecting that is not being nilla friends only, that's a dominant rule and as such he wanted the best of both world's. Which is selfish and unfair.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: When the Dynamics Change. . . (7/15/2008 4:28:21 PM)
I came into this part of my life through a protocol-driven family, and started out as a servant/slave. I spent years in that role, until one day when my "Owners" approached me and told me I was ready to receive my crop. I'd worked my way up to Chatelaine, managing the other servants and training new servants, but it never occurred to me that my life would change and I'd suddenly be an Owner at the "upper table" and with my own crop without me instigating it. Sure, I figured that some day I might not want to be in service any more... but I hadn't realized that I'd already gone past the "point of no return". The other thing that came with this was that suddenly, the people that I'd answered to for years, and who had provided my discipline and who had commanded me were now, essentially my equals and compatriots. My role with the other servants was -easy- to deal with. I already managed them with a firm hand -- but I was always pretty clear that it wasn't -my- hand... it was an extension of my Owners' hands... still, I knew the drill on that end already. It took MONTHS before I felt truly comfortable and felt like I really belonged at the "upper table". I had to basically get to know the other owners all over again. It wasn't easy, but it can be done. After 4 years at the upper table, I find that I am right where I belong, and that I feel absolutely no compunction to return to the "lower table", much less the floor. Good luck to you on your journey, wherever it takes you -- may you find your strength and good companions no matter where you roam. Calla Firestorm

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