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Any Suggestions? - 7/14/2008 11:33:25 AM

QueenIsis

Posts: 27
Joined: 7/14/2008
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I'm new to Domming, but not completely new to BDSM, as I was previously a sub to a wonderful Master, who told me that he could see me as a switch. I couldn't see it then, but now I do.

Anyhow, I now have a potential sub, but not much experience. I've told him and he's okay with it, as he's only had one Domme before, so we'll kind of be learning together. Still, I don't want to accidentally harm him while I'm learning, so I want to practice or get more information - beyond memories of how I was treated as a sub.

Can anyone recommend some good ways to get experience without hurting anyone in the meanwhile? I live in a small area, so I don't think I could find a BDSM club with others who could teach me, and going to my former Master is not an option. I've read a couple of books on the subject, also, and while they were informative, there's nothing like getting out there and doing it.

Also, since I'm still learning myself, how do I start out Domming him? I'm sure I could spank him without causing injury and verbal humiliation is no problem, but just those two things would get boring quick, I imagine.

I do realize that we need to take things easy, so I'll give him only a few rules at first and gradually heap more on him. This I can handle. It's the "play" or "punishments" that I'm concerned about.

I apologize if this' somewhat difficult to follow. Please ask if something is unclear.

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RE: Any Suggestions? - 7/14/2008 11:40:24 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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First, welcome to the wonderful world of female domination!

My main piece of advice is simple: Enjoy yourself. By far, the most attractive quality in a dominant woman is her ability to own her own pleasure. If you ask submissive men, overwhelmingly the majority would say they most enjoy any kind of submission based on how much the femdom is "getting into it." So make sure you communicate, amplify, demonstrate your pleasure in his submission. This means with both big smiles and also, as appropriate, showing/tell him how sexually aroused you are. Never underestimate the power of sharing just how wet and turned on his helplessness or vulnerability or pain make you.

Remember that domination isn't about what you do. It's about how and why you do it. At the core, for most people, it's about male vulnerability. Make him feel helpless, and then revel in it. Enjoy it. Lots of eye contact, lots of intimate touching - take him by the chin, touch his mouth, his lips, his genitals. Manhandle him. Be a very physical, sensual domina. Thing like an animal almost; what are physical demonstrations of your power over him? Sit on him. Sit on his face. Mess up his hair. Make him suck your fingers, then laugh at him and make him suck them more. Squeeze his cheeks and tell him he looks silly and helpless. Duct tape his mouth shut and then ask questions and punish him for not being able to answer.

The common theme here? It's not about long, complicated, drawn out scenarios of intense physical domination - it's playful, seductive, nasty, self serving dominance. Own his body, own his cock -- use him as a pleasure toy and make a check list for yourself. He must please you emotionally, sexually, and mentally. Go down the list. Make sure he succeeds at any cost.

Oh, and remember, have FUN!

Akasha

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RE: Any Suggestions? - 7/14/2008 11:45:13 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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Sorry for the second post, but I also wanted to re-share something I posted here a few months ago:

"I just found out my boyfriend (or husband, lover, etc.) is submissive. I really love him and I want to make things work. I just don't "get it" - what am I supposed to do?"

This question becomes more and more common on these boards and other discussion groups and I get it a lot via email (and from friends in real life who know that I am "considerably kinky"). The answers and advice people give are so broad - some people like to give lists of kinky things to do, others recommend books and resources (who has time to read an entire book to answer a simple question? You don't need/want a degree in "female domination" anyway) and others tell you, "Oh, it can't be done. You either are dominant or you aren't - you can't fake it."

I think the biggest problem is that the advice people give is overwhelming, especially when they offer up suggestions for games to play, toys to buy, outfits to wear, or "scenes" to "enact." Talk about complicating a simple matter! I have a few strong opinions on the entire concept of female domination (for nervous beginners) and it comes down to a few simple guidelines and a very simple starting point to be off and running. In my opinion:

1) First things first. Your man has to back off and agree he will completely let you, the woman, take control of the pace, timing, and evolution of your femdom side. No more hinting, no more buying you toys or outfits, no more pointing you to web sites or stories, no more "helpful advice." To be empowered, you need to do this for one person: You. So if he can agree to drop it and let you figure it out, and not pressure you, you have made it past step one. Sadly, this is the most important step and the one that most couples cannot get past - the guy simply cannot drop it long enough to give the lady a little room to find her legs.

2) Forget everything you have read or heard about "female domination." You probably have a preconceived idea of what "femdom is" - and I can bet it ain't pretty! The stereotypical "dominatrix" with a whip and a bad sneer. The guy in the gimp outfit crawling around or barking like a dog. The pushiness that your husband/lover resorted to and nagged you with. The bad "Jerry Springer" episodes, "My husband fell in love with his dominatrix!” Magazine covers like "Bitches with Whips." Or the impossible-to-duplicate gorgeous, tall, blonde beauty with a cool demeanor and such sex appeal you know you could never pull THAT off. Forget it all - erase it from your mind. It's all BULLSHIT!

3) Accept and really BELIEVE this one very important truth about female domination: If your man really wants to submit to you (and he is not just a fetishist; trust me, he will know the difference if he has done his homework and he can be honest with you), you only have ONE thing to accomplish and do right. Just ONE thing! All the rest is gravy, and all the rest will fall into place for you once you accomplish this one thing. That one thing is this: Enjoy yourself and own your pleasure. That's IT. It sounds easier than it is, because it requires that two things happen - #1 and #2 above - you have to have a man who doesn't put expectations on you, and you have to give up those preconceived ideas about what female domination is. Those both are harder than you may think. When you start feeling uncertain, icky, uncomfortable, or resistant to the idea of dominating your man, it's because #1 is messing with your self confidence by putting expectations on you, or #2 you are putting expectations on yourself (both related to the above, as you can see).

4) Take control. Play. Frolic. Delight in his reactions and soak them in. This is the only "action" step in that it requires you to "do" something to your man. But instead of giving a laundry list, instead of pointing you to books or "how to tie your man up" or "buy these toys" or "pretend you are a person you are not" I will say simply - take control, frolic, and delight in his reactions. Snap your fingers and say "Kiss me here. No, right HERE." and when he does it, smile. Adopt a sense of unpredictability - the mystery and uncertainty will play tricks with his mind and put him in that place that he needs to be. He wants to be submissive; trust me, he will GO there, with just the slightest NUDGE from you. So many women are trying to use a jackhammer to accomplish a task that requires a flick of her fingers. Look him in the eyes, give him a command (that is directly related to your pleasure) and watch him follow through. Tell him to give you an orgasm. Direct his position during lovemaking. Pull his hair playfully, give him a swat on the butt and smile mischievously; do all the little, minor things that come more natural and with ease, and just watch how he reacts. Marvel in how you can push his buttons just by adopting a more selfish, and self serving, self-pleasing demeanor.

Once you complete 1 - 4 on this list, you have the foundation for what will evolve into a comfortable, enjoyable, passionate femdom relationship - so long as you are free from pressure to perform and given the chance to experiment and grow. The dynamic only requires a few things to grow - it requires a stress-free environment for you to thrive in, it requires that you ENJOY the premise of playful selfishness and control, and it requires that you are free from distractions that are usually related to stereotypes and expectations, both which can be eliminated if you are in a pressure-free relationship.

Of course, this is all my opinion; however, in my experience giving advice and helping friends, it seems the stumbling blocks are always the same. Him being "shot out of a cannon" with regards to wanting/needing his desires met (by no fault of his own, quite often, it's just what happens when you have pent up dreams and fantasies for so long) and her feeling pressured, uncomfortable, nervous, and a little disgusted/put off by the "idea" of what "female domination" is. By starting at square one, I think *most* women can find something exciting, erotic, and playful about being in control -- but most importantly, they get a charge out of seeing how their man reacts. I speak about this as a woman who was "born" with the desire to dominate a man; it's never been about the acts, the toys or the scenarios -- it's *always* about seeing the reactions in a man I lust for. You cannot deny the rush that comes from seeing what a little button pushing will do. I think this even rings true for "Susie Homemaker" or the most vanilla woman on the block. And if she's willing to at least read this message board, she's got an open enough mind to learn to enjoy it.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: Any Suggestions? - 7/14/2008 11:48:46 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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You don't say much about what your particular kinks are, or what type of stuff you're wanting to do. Many of the pieces of domination don't require any special tools -- the biggest one is the gentle reminding (and maybe not so gentle, depending on how many times you have to remind...) that you are in charge. If you can get through this part, and really claim dominion, you're more than halfway there -- everything else can be learned with a little searching and some good instruction. I learned to flog by beating on sofa pillows to improve my accuracy. I learned fire-play by attending demos, then practicing the techniques on my own legs (you can't practice on your hands -- you need one hand to light and one to 'sweep' to put out the flame), and then on folks around the house. I practiced single-tail on pillows as well as using a regular dart-board for targeting, and using one of those blow-up "punching bag" clowns for targeting as well.

There is such a broad range of things that one can do -- get a book on knot-tying and practice tying the knots around fence-posts (that's how my brother learned his knots for sailing -- I'm guessing it would work equally well for learning knots for bondage). Sensation play with things like a blindfold, ice, feathers, forks, etc., using simple, light bondage can be entertaining. So can developing rules like potty rules, eating rules, eye-contact rules, speech and form-of-address rules, etc. Check out some books on manners and butler training and start teaching him how to attend your house if that's something that interests you.

The list goes on and on. If you want to learn complex things like piercing, cutting, etc., talk to local body-modification shops to see if they have someone who does those things.

Hope this helps,

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/14/2008 11:51:42 AM >

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Any Suggestions? - 7/14/2008 12:00:59 PM

QueenIsis

Posts: 27
Joined: 7/14/2008
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Thank both of you so so so much! I didn't put it in my OP because I didn't think it was relevant, but awhile ago, I played with a fetish guy via IM and he really really liked the scenes I'd weave via text. Thinking back to that and reading your post, AAkasha, have both given me what I needed. And thank you, CallaFirestormBW, for your advice. It gave me ideas on how to get experience using implements, without harming anyone.

I'll let you ladies know how it goes.

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