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CanisMajor -> RE: what a slave needs (11/22/2005 11:29:39 PM)
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I seem to go through this about every six weeks to three months or so with canisminor; it will probably never change. She goes nuts, gets rebellious, throws tantrums, causes drama, or whatever. And then we have to sit down and I have to trot out my lecture about how whatever it is that is bothering her, there is a right way and a wrong way to express it. The right way is to talk about it with me in clear, unambiguous terms. The wrong way is to blow up and make the rest of the household guess what is going on.
Caring and compassion are my normal modus operandi in my relationships. But caring and compassion are always imperfectly practiced, no matter whose relationship you look at. This leads to problems. I'm of the mindset that mature adults talk about their problems rather than acting out like a child, but then again, maturity is always imperfectly practiced, too. So there are bound to be incidents in which someone acts out, and instances when another thinks someone is acting out even if they aren't, etc. It is important to me that we get over those times with as little drama, hostility, and emotional hurt as possible. It is far less important to me to avoid such times altogether, because I think that is a foolish expectation.
One thing you said that I disagree with as a premise is:
quote:
...perhaps because something is troubling them and feel they cannot communicate or be understood if they try. so they do the one thing that they can do...rebel
We are often in a situation in which something is troubling us. But we always have a choice about how we behave as a result. There is always more than just "one thing" that can be done in response to a situation or an internal emotional state. My sub knows this, and she knows she'll be held accountable for her behaviour. What she's not held accountable for are her feelings. Feelings are not moral issues in this house, and people aren't blamed for having them, even when they seem like really ridiculous or irrational feelings to others. It is difficult for a person to know themselves, and anyone making that effort is valued here, so no matter what strange feelings are expressed, we reckon it OK to have explored that side of self and to have shared that with the rest of us. But no feeling can be used as an excuse to do something that hurts someone else. I don't regulate how people feel; but I certainly do regulate how they act as a result.
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