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IrishEyes321 -> New, and Confused!!! (11/13/2005 6:53:14 PM)
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Hmm, where to start??? First a little about me. As an 8 time Hedonism (Jamaica) visitor, swing club regular and all around fun girl, I am anything but "vanilla" -- but still pretty far from the "rocky road" that I see here. I wouldn't define myself as a swinger (although I have, and will, when chemistry is right with friends that I already love) I have also had bi experiences, but again, only with emotional attachment. (OK, I'll admit it -- I like to tease the others in the swing clubs - make them beg, and then say "ummm, NO!"), I go to these clubs and resorts for the erotic atmosphere, dirty dancing, and maybe sex with my lover with others watching. I have made lifelong friends in these places. Actually, I don't like to define myself as anything at all -- I do what I want, where I want, and with whom I want.
I met someone this summer at a nudist/swinger resort and it was love at first sight. We have been together almost 3 months, and it is wonderful. Then I 'caught' him on this site. At first I thought he was searching personals (actually, at first I thought it was gay personals) and got quite upset - I thought we were together. Then he explained what it was, and I'm like "cool! Love the outfits!" (P.S. he is a sub). I signed up on this site mostly to learn more about what floats his boat, and also for the flirting opportunities, with mostly him, and others too. I DO give good e-mail. Unfortunately, that was the end of our openness about that. What I am beginning to suspect is that he wants to keep this part of his life separate from me? I am not a "Dom", and on reading and learning from these boards, I don't think that I can be. Like Gay/Straight, it must be something that is already there - that can't be learned. I have also found him on another site, which has a comprehensive check-list. Many many things on that list I have already done (yay me!), and many I can't even think about! Is there a happy medium????? Can there be?????
Finally, my question. Could a sub be happy in a monagamous relationship with an assertive, sometimes aggressive, relatively kinky woman who can't quite rise to the level of a Dom? I have read some posts here about 'vanilla' spouses, but that's not me!! I'm a fun chick!! But I have also learned here that a sub's needs may be more than I can provide, that a sub can't be totally happy in a 'vanilla' relationship. When I first saw him on this site, when I thought that it was a gay site (I only had a glance), after a good long think, I realized that I loved him regardless, and told him that gay, straight, white, black, purple -- I don't care -- but you're with me NOW. I love you and what is in your past is OK with me, but you're with ME now. You have to leave it behind (ooops!). He agreed.
Another issue is his very low libido. I LOVE sex - all kinds, all times, all places. He seems to have a 'whatever,' attitude towards it -- it seems sometimes that he is doing it just for me, which is nice, but I am accustomed to a man going wild over me, especially in the first few horney months of a relationship. I miss the passion. I miss the NEED. I miss totally mindblowing orgasms, not just for me but for him as well. (Of course, when we do make love it IS mindblowing, it is the frequency that troubles me). I wonder is this because I can't be the Dom he needs? I do believe that he loves me, but I wonder does he lust me? Am I his 'beard' to show his family and military friends to show that he is normal?
Finally, I really don't think I can be comfortable in a relationship where he gets his kink off elsewhere, with other people. That is not prudism, that is me loving my guy, and wanting to be involved in what makes him happy. And if what makes him happy is something that I cannot do, well, that's a problem.
Ideas, comments, advice??? Give me your best shot.
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