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RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 5:43:52 AM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		i want the primary care dom - but for various reasons it doesn't seem to be happening...  mostly doms are too busy  :)

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 6:58:03 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Actually, curiosity is highly regarded by most Doms.  From time to time mine will have me tell Him if there is any other area I would like to explore.  He will allow me to write fantasies and often I receive at least half of what I put in them.

Sometimes we don't know whether we will like something until we actually experience it.  We may read about it and not have a strong reaction to it, but when we do it in person find that it just strikes a chord in us.  This is especially true during the learning phases.  We might not get all that we feel we need from one person.  If, for instance, your Dom isn't into ropes maybe He would let you volunteer at a play party to be tied up by someone else.  In time you will find out more about your wants and needs.  Just consider it a learning experience and enjoy.


_____________________________



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 7:00:17 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Quite the question.  It's not a hard answer.  Your style will be defined by you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 7:12:37 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

i want the primary care dom - but for various reasons it doesn't seem to be happening...  mostly doms are too busy  :)

Um.... you're married.  Does "too busy" mean the "primary care" dom won't make himself available in the times you've blocked out outside your primary relationship?


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 8:23:14 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		I don't think it is a matter of style so much as it is eclectic tastes. So I'd say you're best off with someone who also has eclectic tastes instead of a neatly pigeonholed and rigidly defined style.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 8:46:48 AM   
oneverygoodgirl


Posts: 13
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

What's the problem?  You're learning and growing.

If you really want to have a relationship while exploring, you may want to try an HMO model.  You have one Primary Care Dom who oversees you going to specialist Doms.



Open an HSA or a FSA account and use it to buy your bondage toys and other prescribed implements tax free :)


_____________________________

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 8:54:45 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		When asked what do you want, your answer should be "I am not sure yet"
You are starting out and learning. Some of us have relationships that are very small in scope and where we wanted a certain something and that is what we sought out alone. Angel is like that with me. Fox is the opposite, more like what you described. What he likes and wants changes as he learns. I can go from being a loving nuturing mommy type to tying him down and whipping him. Our dynamic is fluid enough to change with both our whims.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 9:18:22 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		If you are very lucky you will find someone who isn't locked into a particular style.. and you can both explore together.
There are many things I have done which I never thought I would like, and the same has been true for my partners.  Sensual, bondage, sadist, ect.. Labels are so limiting!
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 9:47:23 AM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		too busy means that i've been meeting doms with already-existing poly situations;  my being newish means i need a bit more time than one of those already ready subs, and have a few more questions  :)    their work, family, poly, committments doesn't allow them to add me to their lives

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

i want the primary care dom - but for various reasons it doesn't seem to be happening...  mostly doms are too busy  :)

Um.... you're married.  Does "too busy" mean the "primary care" dom won't make himself available in the times you've blocked out outside your primary relationship?


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 4:50:42 PM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		so i guess i'm wondering how it gets worked out if the top wants to provide something suitable to the sub's interests/abilities but the sub wants to go somewhere new where they arent likely to know their interest or limits

good tops will want to avoid going 'too far'  yet neither party really knows where that is for the sub

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/18/2008 5:31:36 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		That's why you have to be honest upfront, nhite. It saves a lot of drama and hurt feelings.

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/19/2008 7:25:26 AM   
InsaenPleasures


Posts: 49
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline 		First, I think a sub who has her curiosity intact is a wonderful thing. There is no law that says you cannot try new things. I can tell you from the D side of the tracks, there are as many subs set in their ways as Doms. There is nothing wrong with that btw, but some people do need a more flexible approach.

I tend to view each new potential friendship or relationship in this lifestyle as a learning experience and for me thats the best way to go.  There is no shame for me if a sub asks to try something new I have never done before, it gives me as a Dom an opportunity to not only learn something new but to do so safely and postively for both of us.

Do not get caught up in labels, if someone asks you what your style is just say "flexible".

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/19/2008 12:08:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

so i guess i'm wondering how it gets worked out if the top wants to provide something suitable to the sub's interests/abilities but the sub wants to go somewhere new where they arent likely to know their interest or limits

good tops will want to avoid going 'too far'  yet neither party really knows where that is for the sub


That's what talking is for. Him stopping and asking you how you're doing or asking if you can take a little more for him which is a sexier way of doing the same thing. His watching your body language. And most of all, you don't have to do it all in one night. In fact you shouldn't. You try a little and stop before it's too much and you talk about your feelings about it the next day. You try the same thing a couple more times, maybe a little harder each time, and discuss it afterwards.

If you loved it then it goes on your top ten fav list. If you can't get your balance back afterwards and it always leaves you low and depressed, then you table it for later. Because stuff you can't do with a new partner may be something you can handle three years down the line with that person. And it may be something you can't ever handle, which is fine too.

You can always turn a no to a yes, but not the other way around.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/19/2008 12:48:16 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		Let's see... When I started off, indulging my desires to be submissive, I was very much a whip target. I loved getting worked over with floggers, cats, single tails... then I moved up into penetration play, and for a while, I shifted more toward my bi side of things. The I shifted back when I met a Domme who was into various vorms of CBT, and bondage... But then along came pony play, and I was working at trying to get the Denver pony scene off the ground. (With little luck)

The thing is, as Shakespeare has said, in his lifetime, a man plays many parts. So it is with submissives. You need to relax. What Doms look for in a sub is someone who is willing to try new things and grow to love attention that other people might balk at. Sounds to me like you've already got this "flavor" covered. LOL

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/19/2008 1:09:37 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

are there doms that might like lots of flavors? 

seems like what i have to offer so far is curiosity and that doesnt seem all that exciting


This is me scratching my head and desparately trying to think of ways that a sub, curious about exploring the lifestyle and all it's rich depths is boring.  Hold on a minute... It'll come to me...

*brow furrows in deep thought*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/19/2008 8:12:18 PM   
Donaldnola


Posts: 20
Joined: 4/29/2007
Status: offline 		My sub enjoys new things trying this or that, In this lifestyle its good to grow and learn new things as a Dom or a sub.Open mind is a great thing to have and if there is a Dom you could find out there that would take the time with you and grow then that would be a wounderful thing .
As it is we go to a club so other Doms or even people that arnt in the this lifestyle but are open minded and want to try we show them diffrent things.
Also someone has stated its good to write down somethings for further use. I know my lil sub loves doing things like that

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: finding my 'style' - 7/20/2008 3:43:07 AM   
Diphon


Posts: 39
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		I think part of your problem might be that you see your desires as being in conflict with each other. For most they aren't. I consider myself to be very nurturing and loving, but at the same time I have a sadistic streak a mile wide. I love to watch my  slave grow and flourish, but that doesn't hinder my enjoyment of her suffering for me so beautifully. Very few people are one thing all the time. those who are, are either boring, or very specialized fetishists. For instance if I met a girl who was a rope slut, and that was just all she was about, I would have very little use for her despite my love of Shibari. I would get bored with her, simple as that. Don't be afraid to be a swiss army knife. I personally Can't imagine saying "WOW! this girl is just too curious about all this, she's interested in way to many things." Strong curiosity is an indicator of passion, and in my opinion passion is one of the most desirable traits a submissive can have. It's a long and winding road. Look for a dominant who wants to take the time to travel that road with you and visit all the stops along the way.

(in reply to Donaldnola)
Profile   Post #: 37
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