scary label

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nhite -> scary label (7/19/2008 7:44:44 AM)
i know a gent who is horrified by anythign with a 'bdsm' label -- meaning he has things he wants but he doesn't want them called bdsm i'm curious if there's a way to help subtly nurture what he wants; i think he'd really enjoy time with a domme more than he thinks although i absolutely do not wish to be that domme

HeavansKeeper -> RE: scary label (7/19/2008 9:03:44 AM)
What is his relation to you? Is this your brother, a friend, a husband, an ex-boyfriend? Is he single or not? Is he gay? Does he have fetishes... Leather, lace, spankings, girls with spiked collars, feet, midgets, girls dressed like zombies who mumble "CuUuUuUummmmm..." (That might be kinda hot...)? Although answering these will help me give you some guidance, I can spit advice. Assuming he's not single, suggest he "spice things up in the bedroom" because "women like that sort of thing". There is a natural transition into BDSM elements if you start messing around with kinky sex. It's doesn't become a power exchange relationship because he bought a paddle, but it opens the door. Don't push it too hard, it's simply not for everyone. You can always get him a dominatrix-esque stripper for a birthday... If he likes that, then perhaps a session with a pro-domme is in order?

PanthersMom -> RE: scary label (7/19/2008 9:50:39 AM)
do you absolutely need to call it bdsm? if that causes him to break out in a cold sweat and purple spots, call it something less frightening/threatening to him. call it play, after all this is one form of adult play. once he's comfortable with playing, maybe he'll lose the willies at the dreaded label. if not, big deal! i don't see what the problem is with finding euphamisms if he's really that uptight. you seem to tbe the one insisting on terminology, lighten up a bit and just have some fun. that's what this is all about, enjoying it! PM

katie978 -> RE: scary label (7/19/2008 10:03:14 AM)
quote: i'm curious if there's a way to help subtly nurture what he wants; ...although i absolutely do not wish to be that domme I don't see why you would subtly nurture your friend's submissive tendencies. For one, you two are either not in a sexual relationship, or, if you are, you're not interested in him if the relationship moves in that direction. Also, it is very, very hard for a male sub to find what he's looking for. In comparison, it's easier to find a vanilla woman who is bossy and likes taking the reins in bed. And, to be honest, I don't think wanting to be spanked or tied down and tickled or any other number of deliciously kinky activities makes someone into BDSM. Vanilla folk are allowed to variate from straight missionary once in a while.

Allondra -> RE: scary label (7/20/2008 3:19:16 AM)
Is it your job to "subtly nurture" him? If he's not into BDSM, let him be. Not everyone gets off on what we do. Maybe he should be left alone to find his own path, and call it whatever he can be comfortable with. Why do you feel a need to push him into "time with a domme"? YOU think he'd enjoy that, but perhaps HE is the best qualified to figure out what he wants.

Lockit -> RE: scary label (7/20/2008 8:16:24 AM)
Personally it isn't my job to take on every confused, fearful, judgmental or in denial submissive out there, friend or not. I am not a play-toy for their personal advancement and neither are you. If he is really interested, he will get over anal social judgments or whatever and will find his way... he wouldn't be the first. You can lead a horse to water... yadda, yadda. I might bring out some information and then I might not. It would depend on the situation. I have simply talked... they rejected... I talked a little more in the capacity of my life and they listened... I talked a little more and they kept seeing the smile on my face... that was enough. Now they laugh along with me and are opening to their more beastly selves and I think a couple might even be trying to get to my computer or reading my stories. I didn't have to put one of them in my arms.

RedMagic1 -> RE: scary label (7/20/2008 8:26:30 AM)
Is he your husband?

nhite -> RE: scary label (7/21/2008 5:01:04 PM)
i'm not looking to push him or drive him at all. this sort of thing is so personal i would never ever ever dare presume someone else's interest in it. its more along the lines of what someone said about leading a horse to water... i see signs he's thirsty and may enjoy a taking a sip but probably hasn't considered drinking from the trough instead of the milk carton

SurrenderForMe -> RE: scary label (7/22/2008 10:20:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nhite i know a gent who is horrified by anythign with a 'bdsm' label -- meaning he has things he wants but he doesn't want them called bdsm i'm curious if there's a way to help subtly nurture what he wants; i think he'd really enjoy time with a domme more than he thinks although i absolutely do not wish to be that domme Introduce him to a domme that doesn't speak in bdsm terminology.

HagiaSophia -> RE: scary label (7/24/2008 8:51:44 PM)
If it's just a language/label issue, that's easily addressed. You can just avoid the bdsm label, or you can start breaking the label down into components - maybe he likes bondage but is uncomfortable at the seeming conflation with sadomasochism or discipline. I like the language surrounding "power exchange". It's safe, respectful, and less charged (at the outset) than the monolithic "bdsm". However, I require that my subs explore and understand their feelings/needs. It's not unusual for someone to start being honest about his or her interest in bdsm, while still flinching at the labels. Dealing with this hesitation is part of a responsible dom/me's role as guide and facilitator. (I'm not saying it's the OP's job - but the responsibility of the one who does choose to initiate him.) It's not enough to play safely in terms of physical risk, it's incumbent upon us as dominants to educate subs and bottoms and help them accept themselves as healthy individuals. Mistress Sophia

leadership527 -> RE: scary label (7/25/2008 6:18:50 PM)
Yup, I agree with the "who cares about labels" viewpoint. I participate on these boards, attend local meetings, and my wife and I exist in an M/s dynamic, but I don't want the BDSM label either. Who cares?

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