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I can't cook - 7/19/2008 6:24:11 PM   
Griswold


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I'm a complete waste in the home.

Show me a stadium full of engineers...I'll sell them....chicken noodle soup...please don't call me (until it's ready).

Will someone please explain to me this whole cooking thing PLEASE!!!!?????

I don't get it.

I can read directions....I know how to microwave...honest to fucking GOD...I don't think I'm a "helpless male"...

I just fucking can't cook.

Ya know...that ain't so fucking bad....it doesn't make me weak....I can do a lot of shit (that YOU can't)....I just fucking can't cook!

I bet I can spit farther than you can.

Uh huh.

That's right.

Go ahead....spit.  Give it to me.

(Yeah.....I thought so).



< Message edited by Griswold -- 7/19/2008 6:25:45 PM >


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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 6:28:12 PM   
camille65


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Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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Pfffffffft.
Find a recipe that sounds yummy. Get all the ingredients out and measured before you begin. Read the recipe a few times, then go for it!

Cooking can be difficult or easy but it takes a bit of planning and practice when you start out.

If all else fails come on over to my house Gris, I love to cook for people.


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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 6:42:59 PM   
HeavansKeeper


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Watch Ratatouille for the secret of cooking.

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 6:51:46 PM   
slaveboyforyou


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Cooking takes patience and organization.  You can't get in a hurry when you cook, and you have to organize everything before you began cooking.  Cooking really isn't that difficult of a task to learn.  I basically taught myself how to do it, and I watched my mother cook when I was a kid. 

Now I do have problems cooking certain things.  I break the yoke on eggs almost half the time when I make them over-easy, which is how I prefer them.  I have a hell of a time making gravy, and I absolutely love biscuits and gravy.  I just can't seem to ever get that recipe to come out right.  I am not real great at baking, so I never attempt to make my own bread. 

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 6:59:03 PM   
Sanity


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You learn by doing. Measure precisely and use the ingredients a recipe calls for until you have the hang for which rules you can bend. Burn a few things, spit out some things that are raw, after a while you'll be almost as good as me.

I was cooking over an open campfire on the road over the last two weeks (check out my new photos) and my UM complimented me by saying, "Ya know, as a cook, you're not too bad."

When you can cook practically anything over an open fire, then you're "not too bad." You've arrived.


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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 7:16:39 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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well then.  Here is a meal idea.

Ready?


pretzels and marshmellows.    yummy good!!

easy to prepare too!

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 8:23:43 PM   
DesFIP


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http://www.amazon.com/Man-Can-Plan-Great-Meals/dp/1579546072

Easy starter cookbook for males.

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 8:27:43 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


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Organization?  No Hurry?  ROFLFMAO.
 
Sorry, but the utter and complete lack of organization most days when I go in the kitchen doesn't stop me - which is why I found that amusing.  And being rushed for time has never really stopped me Either - it just means adjusting what I intend to make to fit the time I have available.
 
There are a lot of great dishes out there that don't take long at all to throw together, which are still healthy, full of flavor, and look good on the plate.  (Though learning plating techniques is a whole 'nother critter after cooking, I'll grant you!)
 
Baking requires precise measurement of ingredients - it's basically a chemical formula that you're following - so experimentation unless you Really Know what you're doing isn't a good idea.  Cooking - whether it be grill or stove top - provides a lot more opportunity for both adjustment and experimentation.  Half of the "recipes" that I work from call for things like a "pinch" or "dash" of various seasonings - meaning it's up to the individual cook to determine how much is enough, or to much, or to little.  (Start with a little, let it sit, taste it, and adjust upwards according to taste a very little bit at a time kind of thing.)  Yes, for the absolute kitchen novice it's probably a good idea to start with a recipe that you already like (because someone else has made it for you) and get the hang of it.  But in the long run, that'll only take you so far.

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 8:31:07 PM   
MissSCD


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Start with eggs.  It is very simple if you remember to take them out of the shell.  Just spray the cooking pan with non stick spray. Pop the egg open and put  it in the pan.   Let is get hot, and flip it around some.
Then my ex husband taught me the rest.  I can make steaks that will make your mouth water.
 
Good luck.
 

SCD

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 9:07:18 PM   
Termyn8or


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Dude, if you want to cook lose the microwave. That is only for reheating.

Learn how to use a frying pan, it is best to put some oil or grease in it first.

Buy some meat, fuck all that prepackaged shit. Fry it, if you fuck it up figure out if you fried it too long or what.

Cooking you learn by doing, and even though I did use the net to get my kash recipe, I had alot of cooking under my belt. You learn this by doing, and your taste. Kash is a recent development actually, want a good spagetti sauce recipe that would be easier ? I got it. It is not a cite or quote, it is my recipe and I will have to type it out. Everybody loves it and I would win in a contest, and it really isn't that hard to do.

But really if you can't cook and being a slave to the take out joint is a problem, there are many things you can do. But the first thing to do, when you seemingly endevor to cook of course, is to identify what you want to cook. In other words what do you like to eat ?

I got a practical library full of cookbooks, and if your car breaks down I have alot more info on that. I also have a harddrive full of PDF files in case your TV doesn't work.

And cookbooks are only guidelines, you have to adjust it to how you want it to come out. This is more than just using less yeast in higher altitudes for pizza crust or bread. You cook the same thing a few times and fine tune it for you.

If you get lucky, everybody will love the version of whatever it is you made, but then sometimes that is not lucky.

I made a six chicken batch of kash and it was gone in two days. So this can work against you, when you hit and make something good, maybe it ain't such a good idea to spread it around.

If you really are a novice at cooking, you still have options. There are soups and stews, all kinds of things, chili, you could excel. Could. Don't count on many cash prizes for chili because the are already 430,000,000 people doing that, and that is more than the population of this country.

What is your pleasure ? You may mail me, but on this subject I would just as soon keep it out here. Kash is just a version of a stew or soup. It is like stew on steroids. So don't even try it right now, it is quite complicated to make. First let's get down to what you can make. You do have a big pot and a stove right ? Therefore you are saved.

[now termy shows]

If you really don't know how to cook you must have shied away from it. Most people go out to strike out on their own, they usually know something. If you really can't cook, keep it out here, I can provide plenty of recipes that are relatively simple. Don't even think about kash right now, but I could give you three valid recipes right now that your friends and neighbors will love, and they do not involve the grill.

I could give you enough in say five days, it would never be a problem again.

Do you like chili ? If so that's one more dish.

T

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RE: I can't cook - 7/19/2008 10:07:05 PM   
DomKen


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Cooking, like many things, takes practice and a certain amount of patience. You're going to burn stuff and you going to serve something raw occasionally.

As someone already said eggs are real easy and you'll learn a lot of basics that go a long way towards letting you cook other things.

Organization is nice but a few good techniques are better. Learn how to use both a chef's knife and a paring knife. Dicing an onion with a chef's knife is a basic skill you'll need a lot and onions are cheap so you can mess a few up and not be ruined.

Making rice and pasta are simple, follow the directions on the package. There are a couple of basic rules to get there that will let you make all sorts of dishes.

Finally you can watch the pros do it. Get a job in a restaurant where the back of the house is not all hispanic or you can watch cooking shows on PBS or Food Network or find someone who can cook that will show you how.

When I left home I couldn't cook much and my time in the Navy didn't help much either but after I was living on my own it became cook or starve so I learned to cook and it turned out to be pretty easy.

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RE: I can't cook - 7/20/2008 8:24:20 AM   
soul2share


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Measure?  Organization??  Follow a recipe???  Oh my, I've been doing it all wrong!  Actually, with a new recipe, I'll follow it to the letter the FIRST time I use it.  Then it's a free hand with whatever looks or tases good with it.  About the only thing I measure in a recipe is the sugar and flour, but again, I may be using more or less than the resipe indicates, depending on the result I want to achieve.  I'm of the "dash of this" "dribble of that" and season to tase cooking crowd.  I don't make small batches of anything....soups, chili, cookies.....uh-huh....it's enough to feed a small army!

A microwave is not for cooking anything in....popcorn and reheating.....If you really can't cook, get a crock pot or two....yes, two....different sizes.  If you don't like the clean-up, put what you're cooking in an oven baking bag first...then just lift it out.  Crock pots are wonderful for meats, raost chicken, beef or pork, and you can cook your veggies right in it.  Soups are easy, toss everything in, and let it simmer.  You can do spaghetti sauce in it too.  I love my crock pots!  They are a bachelor's best bud, trust me!

As far as the egg issue, well, I like mine hard....snotty eggs are GROSS!  But I have about an 80% sucess rate with sunny side up eggs...if you put a cover over the pan, it traps the heat and cooks the top of the egg somewhat.  Or, my mom does the bacon first, and flips the leftover drippings on top of the egg, the heat from it does the same thing.

And DON'T fry meat....broil it!  Frying dries it out...I have no idea what the difference is, but broiling a steak makes it nice and juicy....probably because the heat source is different.  Just watch out for splattering grease...that can cause a fire...if it happens, slam the oven door shut, let the fire extinguish itself, and call Domino's....cuz you really can't cook after all!

Cooking is easy....really....it just takes practice!  Be brave.....and keep the fire extinguisher handy!

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RE: I can't cook - 7/20/2008 8:36:59 AM   
LadyHibiscus


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Okay, you can't cook, and your stuff is everywhere....and you say that you are NOT in need of a house slave?



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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 3:40:28 AM   
Termyn8or


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If you like rare meat this will be the best thing you ever ate, but honestly I mean it in a bit of a sarcastic tone.

Go to the store, look in the BEEF department, do not do this with anything else. Go find a piece of meat of the size you think you would like to eat.

Find a pan, if you can find some real grease, get someout of the can, anditis not a spray on. That shit is poison.

Turn the gas up all the way and wait till a drop of water bounces across the pan. Throw the meat in, DO NOT TURN IT DOWN. Do not touch the meat, instead shake the pan and eventually it will release. When it does you flip it over.

If you don't liike your meat rare, you might want to turn it down then and throw in some salt or something. Otherwise as soon as it will come out of the pan it is time for it to come out of the pan. You will really taste meat. No sauce no nothing. Just enjoy the meat.

It's called black and blue. It's similar to blackening, which you can look up. It too means very rare meat, but it has a coating of cracked peppercorns on it. That is done the same way, at maximum heat.

Now take about a half pound package of macaroni, boil the water. Put it in. Tell by tasting it whether it is done or not. Get out some butter and milk. Throw about a half stick of butter in it, then the milk. Then throw about a half pound of good cheddar cheese in. Keep mixing it. Now you got a steak and mac and cheese. Enjoy, but I ain't doing the dishes, that shit sticks, but that is part of the deal.

Wanna really spice the deal up ? Go get some asparagus, clean it up a bit if you feel like it, throw a stick of butter in a frypan and throw it in.(that you fry slow) 

Now you got a home cooked meal, a nice steak, your carb side because I know alot of people need that, and a veggie. That would actually be a good Sunday dinner to me.

We used to have the potroast alot, every Sunday just about, until it got hot out, then we would fire up the grill. When I say we I mean two people, that is not that much different than one. The spuds, usually two veggies and even though we fed the neighborhood there were always some leftovers, which came in handy by about Wednesday along with the microwave.

We got tired of it, or I did. I got tired of the cookouts no matter what we made. I actually got tired of filet mignon. Last bunch of that I found in the freezers I made into stroganoff.

Thing is, there is so much you can do. Like roast ? make it !. It is simply not that hard to do. In a couple days you can make soup out of it. Hint - use the pot you roasted it in.

You want to continue to eat, so think about that. Say you get to the point you can make a good spagetti sauce, it ain't that hard really. So on the first day, like a Sunday you cook up some of this real ritzy angel hair pasta and have a great time. On Thursday you are hungry. You throw half a box of macaroni in a pot and then mix it all together, destroying your meatballs and fucking the sausage all up, all up. Throw it in a bowl and get a big spoon. But when you do that I suggest you have also a bowl of salad. And eat it first, you don't want to get too carbed up.

And if you like fish, leave the skin on, and even if you bread it you must remember which side has the skin, and you always fry thwe other side first, and I mean completely, then you flip it. Only way to keep it from curling up unless you want to remove the skin, but I don't go for that. I think it has mutrients in it.

But you don't have to get all fancy like that for everyday eating. You learn how to make soups, stews and chili, you will eventually learn how to make it how you like it. Forget kash for now, I just about got a taste for a decent beef stew about now. And there is another feature stew has, you actually can nuke it. Nuking kash is precarious, you have to be very careful, but regular beef stew, don't give it a third thought.

But to make the stew, first of all YOU decide what you want in it. Obviously potatoes carrots whatever. How much onions is up to your taste, garlic, all that shit. Some people like corn and greenbeans in it, and I do as well, if they are fresh or frozen. Everything out of a can is mush, I did not set out to cook mush.

But you bought this package of meat, now you just need to figure out the potatoes and carrots. And celery makes it good too. These things come in packages of a certain size, you just gotta pay up, but they might not be done in one day. Today's potatoes for the stew might be Tuesday's french fries, if you got oil.

(oh shit, peach, should I even go there ?)

OK, I am Jacktracking this thing here (no this is not a hijack)

To not want to cook is to deny part of your self. Eating is fundamental. When you avoid it, I see someone with some sort of a hangup. And hey, I am not saying I don't have any, but I callem like I seeum.

Once you start, I think once you start smelling the food cook, getting used to it, I think you would love it. And the more you learn, most of which won't be from us, the more you will want to know.

And walking in fresh like that you might develop a certain style of your own. When you find out what you like, I think you'll be hooked. And then someday you might invent something. Coming in with little or no preconcieved notions could be a good thing.

And be forewarned, the balck and blue steak and the mac-n-cheese, the mess is horrible. Don't even try to do the dishes. Leave them on the stove and get some water. Het the pans, then add the water. As it gets hot it will dissolve everything off the bottom at least, which is really usually where the worst of it is.

Well buddy it goes like this. I like giving out a few pointers like this, and I actually had alot of time on my hands, but it is now six AM here and that is no longer true. I gotta get going. You know I haven't caused any trouble all day, and now all night. Well unless you burn your house down trying to make Termy special number 3.35. (the fried asparagus is the 5 part, but if you don't like it you can do it with fresh or frozen greenbeans and it is pretty damn good)

Question, you have a gas stove or electric ? I almost burrned the house down once, I still cook with gas, but this one day I was pretty wild with the heat and it almost became unmangeable. I actually wanted the fire, but it got to be too much and it really got my attention. An answer to that would be nice, as well as more about just how much of a newbie you are in the kitchen.

For example, if you get one of those things you use to make french fries on the stove.....The best fries are made by putting the cut potastoes in water, and then putting them in the freezer. You don't want them to freeze but you want them as cold as possible. But then you want the oil as hot as possible. I am talking like 475-500 degrees. You know what happens when those cold wet fries get dumped in there ?

If you got an electric stove it doen't mean shit, but if you got a gas stove you could die. Before you drop the fries you turn off ALL the flames on the cooktop.

After a few seconds you can turn it back on, but I tell you if you make fries like this, they will be about the best you ever had. It also makes a mess and you will have to scrub down everything. But if you do it right they are the most kickass fries ou ever had.

Even if they kill you, try to at least live to eat them.

T

T

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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 3:53:34 AM   
Rule


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold
I'm a complete waste in the home.
I just fucking can't cook.

You are not alone in that. My room is an untidy mess. Fortunately I broke my umbrella this morning and dumped it in a trash can - so that is one bit less clutter.

I cannot cook, I do not cook and I will not cook.

< Message edited by Rule -- 7/21/2008 3:54:46 AM >

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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 8:07:05 AM   
DesFIP


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Term, what on earth is kash? Are you talking about kasha aka buckwheat groats? You keep referring to it but I'm a fair cook and haven't ever heard that term before.

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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 1:19:25 PM   
thornhappy


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I think he's talking about paprikash.

thornhappy

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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 1:48:03 PM   
DesFIP


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Thanks, thornhappy. I was confused.

Now that's a dish I haven't had in years. Might be something the one in braces would eat though.

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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 2:21:41 PM   
playfulotter


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Since you mentioned the "Engineers" thing maybe this site is for you:  http://www.cookingforengineers.com/ 

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RE: I can't cook - 7/21/2008 2:32:02 PM   
SteelofUtah


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From: St George Utah
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The best advice I can give you is Never use the High or Simmer setting EVER,

If it says Simmer use 1 if it says High used the number that is just under High.

This is your first lesson because as a general rule Men Burn things or don't fuly cook them.

Also NEVER believe the TIME it says it will take on the box. Instead Half way through that time take a look and see if it looks done if it does then leave it in for HALF of the remaining time but reduce your heat.

Anyone can cook, stop looking at the ingredents and start looking at the hardware. The Meal is in the Gear. You can make just about anything edible if you don't over or under cook it.

If all else fails BUY A CROCK POT. You can make AMAZING MEALS and all you do is chop stuff and throw it in a pot and then turn it on low 6 to 8 hours later you have an AMAZING MEAL.

If that fails Invest in a Woman.

Steel

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