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ErosPsyche -> Don't Give Up (11/14/2005 10:05:54 AM)
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On Sat Psyche and I went to the Men's Club in Charlotte for dinner and drinks. We had a simply wonderful dinner, and as I sat back in the comfy chair, watching girls strip while my slave sat next to me and told me about how badly she wanted to watch me fuck various girls/fuck them herself, I thought, "I'm the luckiest man in the world." A good meal and a few drinks filled my body with a warm, rosy glow, while her nasty talk and the knowledge that I would be taking her home for hard use later suffused my entire being with an urgent heat.
I was going to post about it - about how awesome she was, how lucky I am, what a great deal it all is, blase blase. But as I first wrote the above, I started to think about the members of CM who are still desperately searching. I thought about the people who have been burned by fake after fake, been cruelly disappointed by unfortunate reality, and who have just not found what they needed.
I know some of you here are super-cool invincible titans of self-assurance who have all the answers, never feel hollow or hurt because you have not found your soul mate, and don’t need anyone to feel complete thank-you-very-much-my-completeness-comes-from-within.
But I know there are other, not as coolly cool people who do feel an ache, who are lonely, who long more than anything to connect with another in intimacy that complements their own. I know a lot of people here have a slave/submissive/dom/master shaped hole in their heart – I know I did.
I spent two years looking for my one, mostly at b.com. I made every mistake I can think of, and suffered every kind of disappointment.
-When I first got there it took like three months to figure out the women I was talking to wasn’t really the woman in those pictures, but a serial online fantasizer looking to escape the dreary reality of her vanilla marriage. Sounds painfully stupid on my part now, but I look back and see that I wanted, so wanted to believe.
-I bought plane tickets for women who were who they said they were, except in the crucial aspect of being ready to go beyond fantasy into reality – last minute panic making them run.
-I’ve had the even worse pain of trying, of starting relationships that because of who we are, were doomed: she a slave but not a masochist, desperate to be what I needed but unable to. A masochistic slave but so horrified and guilty that after every meeting there would be a week or two of hiding, until the craving for her fix got to be so much that she came back, desperate for her junk from me, and promising next time she wouldn’t run away after I hurt her. Others as well, mismatches, fuck-ups on my part – break after break.
And then she wrote to me again. She had written almost a year before, and I (Ye Gods what a dunce I am) sent back, “Not interested.” Almost a year later, disappointed (she suffered some shrewd knocks at the hands of men, the kind only a submissive or slave-wired woman is open to), dejected, ready to quit, she wrote me a lovely, flattering, but most of all passionate email telling me how beautiful she thought I was, and how she had read and re-read my essay, “Eyes on Me” until she knew it by heart. She wrote to say she was leaving, and that she knew she could never find the man who would own, use, hurt and love her, and she just wanted to tell me before she went how beautiful I was in here eyes.
The sincerity and passion in her letter caught my eye, and although I at the time was feeling numb, worn on out, disconnected, I responded. No one had ever told me I was beautiful before. We were both ready, when a door was opened for us, to step through.
We are engaged now, workmen are upstairs as I write doing work on our home, and we are working out the day-to-day complexity of melding families in an M/s relationship. Each day and each night we are doing the work.
Don’t give up. Don’t think that because you have been disappointed in the past, you must always be disappointed. Don’t think that pain and heartache are the only inheritance you have. Don’t give up. It may be a long road. You may need to do work, make some choices in order to make yourself available to intimacy, you may need to keep digging and keep kissing frogs. But there is an end to the search, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and there is someone for you.
Don’t give up.
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