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Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 11:04:54 AM   
kiaya


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		Am i mixing vanilla feelings / relationships with D/s when i think that i am not good enough for my Master because He needs to train me as oppsoed to me being enough for Him to begin with? i know that Masters need to train their subs, because it is necessary to lean what He wants of me, but i still fell horrible when He says that i need to be trained. Can a Master help? i would appreciate any input.

Thank You,

kiaya
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 11:06:58 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You are right, it is an interesting balance.

Just for a tip- a lot of doms WILL take advantage of a novice by guilting and playing on their insecurities to get them to do what they want, even if they know it's not right for the sub in question.

You avoid that by going slow and being sure of things before committing to obedience.

It's very hard to hear "You're not good at this, this is what you need to do" and yet that is a very real part of training and growing in submission.

Something helpful to remember is that if they want a serious relationship with you, it means they want YOU, as you are now. Yes they want to improve upon you, but that just takes time and dedication.

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 12:07:37 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

but i still fell horrible when He says that i need to be trained.

The way this sounds to me from just a few words in this post, it does seem odd that he would say you need to be trained rather than just training you. If he isn't specific about what you need to be trained in, then saying "you need to be trained" can leave the impression you know nothing at all.

Perhaps he just isn't aware of the impression that leaves, or lacks the tact or communication skills to put a positive spin on it rather than a negative. I suppose there are some guys who would do that intentionally in order to diminish you and make you feel stupid; let's hope that isn't the case here.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 11/14/2005 12:08:59 PM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 12:27:04 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Like so many things, communication is the key here. Most of us are often not aware of the effect that even a simple comment can have on some one who is feeling vulnerable. I learned this the hard way when I found just how tough and yet so fragile a kajira can be with in the hands of her Master. I think it is fair comment for a Master to tell their sub/slave that they need to be trained, but it would be better to add the areas of which he is refering to. Lets put it this way kiaya, I feasably could collar a kajira with many years of experience and yet there are specific areas which she would need to be retrained in as well as she would need to be trained to serve me in a manner in which I am accustomed. Its personalised training. Perhaps this is what your Master is refering to. You can't bring a puppy home from the breaders and expect it to be house trained to your requirements even if all it wants to do (besides eating and sleeping) is to please you.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 1:49:16 PM   
irishgem


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/30/2005
Status: offline 		Hiya. I don't think that your Master isn't happy with you as you are right now, just would like to improve on things a little bit. Every Master is different, likes things done in different ways, just like everybody is an individual. From what i can tell, He just wants to train you in these ways, show You things and how better to serve Him. Sometimes when we don't communicate right, it can cause misunderstandings and if this isn't voiced, can cause so many problems later on down the line. My advice would be to ask Him what does He mean by training, what does it entail, it might be something so so simple. Don't worry :)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 2:11:17 PM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		Hi kiaya,

I know just what you are going through. When my little one and I first began living the lifestyle, we had much the same problem. You see, I am and was a dom male, but that does not tranlate into "Master." To become a Master for my little one I had to be trained as well.

Initially, I thought that after she had given herself to me as slave, a slave she would be.

Not So!

She had the will to be my little one, but no idea on how to be my slave. And I wanted to be her Master, and expected her to "fall into line." That is not the way it works!

She was at the beginning of understanding what she wanted, as was I. We had to sit down and frankly discuss where this D/s relationship was to go. After having a plan, we began to implement our desires.

The point is, a Master must first learn to control himself, determine what being a Master means to him, and then see if his slave wants the same thing.

TopZippy

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 3:17:10 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TopZippy

Hi kiaya,

I know just what you are going through. When my little one and I first began living the lifestyle, we had much the same problem. You see, I am and was a dom male, but that does not tranlate into "Master." To become a Master for my little one I had to be trained as well.

Initially, I thought that after she had given herself to me as slave, a slave she would be.

Not So!

She had the will to be my little one, but no idea on how to be my slave. And I wanted to be her Master, and expected her to "fall into line." That is not the way it works!

She was at the beginning of understanding what she wanted, as was I. We had to sit down and frankly discuss where this D/s relationship was to go. After having a plan, we began to implement our desires.

The point is, a Master must first learn to control himself, determine what being a Master means to him, and then see if his slave wants the same thing.

TopZippy


Points to TopZippy Him make good points and speak with straight tongue.....

Damned good post mate.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to TopZippy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/14/2005 4:01:23 PM   
girl4you2


Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		oops

< Message edited by girl4you2 -- 11/14/2005 4:02:08 PM >

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 8
Helping a sub - 11/14/2005 10:37:30 PM   
Jacques1000


Posts: 273
Joined: 10/30/2005
Status: offline
call it fit for purpose, but do clarify and "negotiate" the training "contract" so both of you know what is happening, what is expected, and where any boundaries might be...Masters can be such idiosyncratic creatures.

(in reply to girl4you2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 1:41:32 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		If I begin a new M/s relationship with a slave of 20 years previous experience, I still need to train her....! This is as much *MY* need, even if she (or you) think it unnecessary or "horrible".

As the subordinate in the relationship, and at the risk of grossly over-simplifying, your role is arguably easy in that you only have to do what you're told or taught etc. And if you're not performing as expected or required, your Master's reaction is gonna be that he needs to train you. But what you're not seeing is that it's neither a criticism nor shortcoming in *you* - he's actually beating down on himself for not having taught you how he wants things done.

If my girl's not doing something the way I want, my first question is to myself - have I actually showed her (or trained her) in my ways or requirements? If the answer is "Yes", then she's in trouble! However, if the answer is "No", then I'll mention, possibly in a casual manner, that "she needs to be trained" and then make the time to do so. But it's NOT a criticism of her, it's more of myself, as I'm the one ultimately responsible for her actions and performance!

It's your need to serve and please etc, but it's his need and *responsibility* to show you how to serve him to *HIS* standards and requirements....

Focus.

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 2:59:48 AM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Something came to mind when I read your post for the first time.....

"Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took the small boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."

When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that her son was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.

In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized...."

What has this got to do with training? I feel that a master would not call us on our inadequacies, rather, help us to strengthen area where we lack. Is it possible this
is what your master means by "training?"

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 3:29:33 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

If I begin a new M/s relationship with a slave of 20 years previous experience, I still need to train her....! This is as much *MY* need, even if she (or you) think it unnecessary or "horrible".

As the subordinate in the relationship, and at the risk of grossly over-simplifying, your role is arguably easy in that you only have to do what you're told or taught etc. And if you're not performing as expected or required, your Master's reaction is gonna be that he needs to train you. But what you're not seeing is that it's neither a criticism nor shortcoming in *you* - he's actually beating down on himself for not having taught you how he wants things done.

If my girl's not doing something the way I want, my first question is to myself - have I actually showed her (or trained her) in my ways or requirements? If the answer is "Yes", then she's in trouble! However, if the answer is "No", then I'll mention, possibly in a casual manner, that "she needs to be trained" and then make the time to do so. But it's NOT a criticism of her, it's more of myself, as I'm the one ultimately responsible for her actions and performance!

It's your need to serve and please etc, but it's his need and *responsibility* to show you how to serve him to *HIS* standards and requirements....

Focus.



This is the reason that I am slow to punish, or get too anoyed with people under my control/guidence/command (you name it). My first question if something is not going to plan is Why???? Was the plan flawed? Did I give suffiecent information or instructions? Were my information or instructions imparted in such a way that the person could understand? I opperate generally in a no blaim system where the emphasis is on correcting and retraining rather than placing blaim and punishing. In my home the buck stops ar my desk. My home, my family my slave ~ MY RESPONSIBILITY. If I quirt yoor arse, it will be because you didn't ask for clarification, you didn't tell me you didn't understand, you failed to inform me that you couldn't do something, or because your pride stopped you from talking to me about the situation. Not because you screwed up. My initial indstructions which I'll brand on each and every brain cell is to talk to me when you are not sure. I dont bite! Well I won't bite your head off but I may leave bite marks on yout nakid boobs, mons or your neck and teeth marks on your ear lobe.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 7:17:51 AM   
perfection20005


Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not a Master, but I do have a Master so I understand what you are saying. Don't worry when He says you need to be trained. Its just a saying that means the same as getting to know what He wants. It doesn't mean that you are bad or horrible. Look at it this way, He is willing to take the time to train you and that means a lot in this lifestyle.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 9:25:16 AM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		You are fine, just understand that the training is done as a turn-on for its own sake. It is making you do things and controlling you. The thing you are being trained for is inconsequential. It doesn’t matter how well you already do something, the idea that you are submitting to this particular dom and he is making you change things or do new things for him is the excitement. So find submissive contentment in being trained as your dom finds fulfillment in training you.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 2:27:13 PM   
Lyku


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/12/2005
From: Buffalo, NY
Status: offline 		Greetings kiaya,

Now...I've read the "problem" more than once and I wanted to formulate things the best I could to help you to the best of my ability. Now...you say your Master says there are things you need to improve on. I'm going to be honest, now I may be wrong, but I personally have never met a perfect slave. I have never met the perfect individual. We all have flaws. Now...you feel guilty as you feel he needs to train you more than he should, but at the same time, this may not be a bad as in a way, the training can also form a stronger bond. This is my reasoning. If you don't know how to do something, he will need to teach you. If he teaches you, you can always think back on the first time he taught you something. Its a series of memories that are forming, slowly but surely. Now...it is still your responsibility to work hard to get up to par where he wants you to be. It will be hard, but nothing is truly impossible, and if it is, give people motivation and time and they will find a method. So try not to worry...obviously I can't say "DON'T WORRY!!", that doesn't seem to work, no idea why, but try to relax, follow the flow and if you put in effort, you should be fine.

Wes

_____________________________

If I took life deadly serious, I might of accidently killed myself by now. O.O

For the dear ladies. How to cope with stress:
Take a deep breath
Relax
Submit

It's just three easy steps.

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 5:11:43 PM   
Theslavetrainer


Posts: 75
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiaya

Am i mixing vanilla feelings / relationships with D/s when i think that i am not good enough for my Master because He needs to train me as oppsoed to me being enough for Him to begin with? i know that Masters need to train their subs, because it is necessary to lean what He wants of me, but i still fell horrible when He says that i need to be trained. Can a Master help? i would appreciate any input.

Thank You,

kiaya

kiaya,
To put it bluntly, you have insecurity issues. You state it in your profile as well as show it in what you wrote here. Get over it!! When your Dominant says "You need training in this or that." you should actually be happy. Obviously the man sees enough potential in you to consider you worth his time to train. So be happy about it and quit whinning.

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Please Help a sub..... - 11/15/2005 5:24:19 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:

but I personally have never met a perfect slave. I have never met the perfect individual. We all have flaws.


You havent met me..hehe..sorry im feeling cheeky. *grin*

(in reply to kiaya)
Profile   Post #: 17
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