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TheHeretic -> The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 9:12:59 AM)

        I live a comfortable 1000 miles away from most of my family.  Some, I stay in close contact with, others I only deal with when I must, say for for a marrying or burying.  Those times tend run a little bit tense, and one them is coming up this week.  Making it more challenging, will be that these are people my wife hasn't met yet, so getting together for a meal, or afternoon of chit-chat is pretty much mandatory.

      My wife is very likely to see me getting quietly ticked off at the most innocent-seeming things.  She doesn't really understand what all the history is, won't recognize the outrageous hypocrisy in the nice words that will be spoken to us, won't understand why I stiffen, and clench my teeth at little tidbits of helpful advice or suggestion, politely offered.  The most unavoidable of the bunch is very adept at presenting herself as a very likable sort of person, deserving of sympathy and compassion.

      I've already told my wife that I will probably come off as being the asshole if a situation erupts.  She knows (to a certain extent) how I can be.

       A chunk of the long drive could be spent, I suppose, telling her some of the horror stories, trying to give her a foundation of reference, but rehashing all of that is most likely to just raise my stress level before we even arrive.

      'You can pick your friends, but you're stuck with your relatives,' as a dear friend likes to say.  I'm curious how others deal with those they really don't like, maybe despise, but are stuck with anyway, and how they have tried to help spouses or significant others understand.



kiwisub12 -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 9:21:34 AM)

I think if your wife knows you , then she will discount all that the family says and does that puts you in a bad light. Her loyalty will be with you. All families have history, and if she knows yours isn't particuarly pretty, then she should understand.

i have an ex who appears really charming to those who don't love or depend on him, so i understand where you are coming from.



pahunkboy -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 11:46:56 AM)

DONT.

It sets up and even more neative event.

Try to be nuetral

You and her- have a signal or a designated line so that it is a clue to leave.


Turn questions around.  "lets talk about YOU'

You are robbing yourself the gift of the gathering. and if it is that terible- dont go.

Going down memory lane...as in "I hate these people" only magnifies all the wrongs done onto you.


Out of the batch of people- there is 1 or 2 that is decent or at least tolerable.  Hang with them- then  politely excuse yourself as you must leave.

I know all about negative people.  By you ready aim fire... well - that makes you ...one of "those people"



camille65 -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 11:56:06 AM)

I very much understand what you're talking about. Hidden history revealed in code that only those that took part in said history understand. Subtle digs that slip out from behind false smiles and mock concern.

It took me far too long to figure something out. No one can understand it all without having grown up in it, so in reality no one else sees it. If no one else (your wife) actually sees it then it no longer matters.
Now I smile back and graciously thank them for the words that have daggers in them because to respond in kind removes the power.

Just because they are 'family' doesn't mean they have to continue to hold power over me. Of course it isn't that simple. I always cry afterwards, sometimes I forget to play the game and I respond without thinking, giving weight to their opinions of me. But I'm better at it than I used to be.

If I am in the situation you are going to, I react as your wife would. As if the words are genuine and there are no double entrendes in existence. It tends to leave them struggling and I get an admittedly petty satisfaction instead of getting hurt feelings.



Termyn8or -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 12:15:28 PM)

Just don't go then. If they are fuckheads what do you owe them ? They want their DNA back or something. If I don't feel like it, I don't go to weddings, funerals, aniversaries. Got no reason. Ain't talked to some in ten years, so what do I care. Got nothing to say for ten years, why start now.

What's more if you got a Wife you took an oath, maybe you should think that you should not take her into that situation.

T



kittinSol -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 12:24:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

Just don't go then. If they are fuckheads what do you owe them ? They want their DNA back or something. If I don't feel like it, I don't go to weddings, funerals, aniversaries. Got no reason. Ain't talked to some in ten years, so what do I care. Got nothing to say for ten years, why start now.



Agreed, that's the way to go. And if it's unavoidable to meet up with wankers face to face, there's no need to say anything more than a polite 'how are you' and leave it at that. Arseholes populate a large slice of life already: why bother with them willingly when they can be avoided?



BitaTruble -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 12:26:38 PM)

~FR~

I'm not 'stuck' with my relatives. Accidental family ties do not take precedence over my well-being and relatively drama-free existance. What would happen if you refused to associate with folks who cause you stress (and you know what stress can do to you, right?) As far as I'm concerned, nothing that I would worry about. I mean, what's the worst that could happen. Some people who you don't like anyway might gossip about you? So what? I utilize my block button to make folks disappear offline as much as I use it online and the folks I've killed off with it have never been missed. [;)] Family or not, if you are the one who makes the choice to associate with people who you 'know' effect you in ways you don't like.. then it's up to you to make different choices or suffer the consequences.




DesFIP -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 1:24:39 PM)

If someone who enjoys putting you down comes up to you, do not respond. Just "excuse me I need to talk to Aunt Molly". If you don't want your wife talking to her, then tell her ahead of time that everytime this person comes over to her, you will remove her from their vicinity. Fill her in afterwards.

They can't get to you if you do not engage. Stand up, help carry plates to the kitchen, walk out of any room they are in, leave any group of people they join. No arguing, no explaining, just walk out.



pahunkboy -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 2:03:19 PM)

during my sisters wedding we pre-discussed my injury and how I would not be able to handle all the pomp- so we pre-decided I would go to the ceremoiny- skip the afternoon greet, then come to the dinner stay up to the 1st dance- then I was free to leave no feelings hurt- no explanations on the spot.

cluing your wife in contaminates the joyous bond between her and you.  negative energy attracts..more negative energy.

I get the drill of questions-- all to illustrate that I wasted my life and am nothing.   Being that my sister- [the guest of honor] that I cleared it thru her. I was able to relax and enjoy the time that I was there.  Surprisingly aunt Loraine who was so lecturing was quite mello- and pleasant to be around....  

You could let the wife circulate - ya know -go out anc check the oil in the car- wander to the soda machine... go out for film, beer, then pop back when you figure the gathering is soon coming to a close.

I know I fretted endlessly with my freind Helen over the wedding.   it all was ok tho so i over reacted.. which for ne is no surprise..



Lockit -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 2:18:55 PM)

I can divorce anyone and have.  Now my partner's don't have to deal with them, I am free and they know I meant it when I created boundries they were not to cross.  Other's know they cannot cross my boundry of setting it and enforcing it or they will be with the other one's.  Family is who I make family... those other's... well it wasn't my fault and I am not taking the blame just because we share the same genetic's.  If they aren't nice... I don't play with them.



TheHeretic -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 5:54:29 PM)

FR

          Thanks for the replies.  Not going is not an acceptable option.  A joyous occasion is to be celebrated in ceremony, and I'll be there.

       It was also worked out this afternoon that the obligatory get-together with my least favorite immediate relative will be a larger scale event than previously planned.  It may cost me an extra couple of bills to take that many out to dinner, but it will be well worth it to dilute the tension.



camille65 -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 5:56:23 PM)

I hope you find a way to enjoy yourself despite the problems.



Termyn8or -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 6:50:06 PM)

You gotta be kidding me.

T



bipolarber -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 6:50:24 PM)

I had a similar situation come up recently. I had gone back home for my father's funeral, and my brother-in-law used the opportunity to start dropping hints about how "discovered my secret." Essentially, he was threatening emotional blackmail between me, my wife (who already knows) and my family. Many of who already know... they aren't stupid.

I simply told him, "I decided long ago that I was going to be proud of who I am. I own my own home, my cars are paid for, and my job is secure... if this should "come out. At most, you're going to embarass me a bit in front of my sister, and her family. And THAT, involving them, will make you the turd in the punchbowl here, not me."

He shut up once he realized that he wasn't going to have as much fun with it as he thought he might.

Sarte was right though: hell is other people.



popeye1250 -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 7:11:49 PM)

I know how I deal with it, I just don't go to things like that.



TheHeretic -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 8:42:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

I hope you find a way to enjoy yourself despite the problems.



         If it was anywhere near that bad, Camille, I wouldn't be going.  I get to show my wife a bit of the beautiful city and state I still think of as 'home.'  We'll eat food that tastes so good I can feel my arteries hardening already, and buy cups of coffee that will help her understand why I say Starbucks sucks.  It will also be what we get for a vacation this summer.

       I really wasn't looking so much for advice here, as to hear other voices of practical experience.  Lots of people have family members who just flat piss them off, everytime, just by being themselves.  Bipolarber's post was right along the lines of what I was looking for.

       Yes.  These people I'm connected to by blood and a lifetime of history do have a certain power over me.  They get under my skin and push my buttons.  They don't have to try.

       And what's the worst that can happen?  A few months ago, we spent a great weekend with a couple of my Aunts and Uncles who scored a loaner condo in Palm Springs.  Somewhere in an evening of swapping stories and laughter, my wife brought dead silence to the table by telling them we don't fight, and that I didn't yell, or have a nasty temper.  She might get to see something up there that isn't on the schedule.



Vendaval -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/20/2008 11:45:23 PM)

Hello Rich,
 
I like the dilution and mixing with everyone approach.  When in doubt find a couple with young unmentionables and have fun being silly and cute.  When the oafish drunk or battle axe is headed your way head the other direction toward another group.  Rather than talking about all the old nastiness I would go with some nice CD's for the long car ride of music or stories to put you in a better head space.  If you need some alone time during the trip for primal scream or paint ball therapy go for it.
 
Good luck to you and the Mrs.



Termyn8or -> RE: The Other In-Laws (7/21/2008 12:37:27 AM)

I am now listening to the Fifth Dimesion -Age of Aquarius. Want to know why ? Because two people have agreed with me on something and they really don't usually.

Let the sunshine in. And let those relatives go fuck themselves if you don't like them.

T



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