Are you mainstream kinky?

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SurrenderForMe -> Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 10:59:45 AM)
When I started, I didn't have willing people. I met someone, went out, and as things progressed, the mainstream person I met was introduced to who I am. I didn't use terms like domme or sub with people early on. I just let them get to know me. At the time, it did not occur to me. Later, when I was involved with the public scene, I started using all the terminology. At this point, I think my natural way, was and is better, (required insert) at least for me. I did not spend time trying to convert people or listening to lists of preferences. I went with the assumption that if someone was attracted to me, then just like any other piece of my personality, my dominance and sadism were part of the package that someone would like or not when various activities were pursued. I spanked people, tied them up, had them serve me, etc., all without discussing it in advance. I never had anyone object. The most I had happen was that they asked what I was doing when I started. I'd tell them and usually got some reaction, like a hard on to tell me they were cool. I would take the activities to deeper and deeper levels over time and voila, I had a partner. The one benefit from the terminology is that, now, I can find out in advance if the person can handle x type of play. That is balanced by the fact that a specific attribute does not mean we will be attracted to each other in all the other ways. So I don't know if it really helps. To be honest, I thought I could be lazy and have my ready made kinky partner. Of course, anyone here can tell you it is not easy. The assumption that someone I was attracted to, or who was attracted to me, would be attracted based on subtle unknown qualities is the theory I came up with for why it worked out. It was all instinct. This is mostly from an explanation I sent someone who contacted me. I realized that I haven't seen it on a forum or heard it at a social event. Where I have seen it, strangely enough, is in films. But if it is in films, they are mirrors. Is there anyone else on CM who just did what came naturally without the extraneous nomenclature?

HagiaSophia -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 11:33:29 AM)
Absolutely! I think most people come to the realization of their needs and desires through informal channels. I have always been an addicted reader. I inhale books. I will never forget the experience of picking up Anais Nin's Delta of Venus for the first time. Oh, Le Basque et Bijou! I agree with you - I too have drawn men and women who, often unconsciously, respond to my dominance in a way that causes them to re-evaluate the scope of their sexual/sensual world. For me, it's a lovely surprise to find someone who responds without knowing what they are responding to and why. It's a great pleasure to be part of that awakening. Always, Mistress Sophia

AAkasha -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 11:43:12 AM)
I was doing S&M before I really knew what it was, so yes. The biggest challenge I found as I matured and got to the age of sexual activity is that vanilla men would assume that if started to behave "kinky" (ie started to tie them up) that must mean that I was wild in bed AND going to fuck them. It's the whole "tie me up and give me a blow job, yeah baby!" mentality (a la Bull Durham). But yes, it didn't take long before they realized how deep dominance is, and that yes, they would have to actually suffer a little as part of it. But men like to see women turned on, they like to be given instructions instead of guessing, and they generally think a dominant woman is hot. That was my experience. And yes, when it came down to it - as long as they were attracted to me as a person, there was chemistry, chances are they were going to be open to my kinkiness. Let's face it - submissive behavior is almost self-selecting. A guy who was really at the core a dominant type would be giving push back early enough in the "flirty" stages that we'd never get to the phone number exchange, let alone date. By my nature, I was attracted to men who seemed to naturally want to obey, follow not lead, etc -- and it had nothing to do with submissive or not, just was their nature. They were often totally green when it came to kink. The challenge I found in evolving to dominate "submissive" men is their preconceived notions of what a femdom was or would do. While the vanilla guys had to be retrained from the "oh cool, tie me up and give me a blow job!" mentality, submissive men often had to be retrained from the robotic, groveling, meek "yes mistress/no mistress" clone or the "here's my list of fetishes!" bottom. Both types of men have good sides and bad sides to them -- as always though, if a man floats your boat, you tend to work around his quirkiness, and vice versa. Akasha

MizSexyVixen -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 11:59:09 AM)
I certainly started out that way. I've been dominating men since I was 15. Personally I think I am a far better dominant for having a background of knowledge, along with a good sense of myself and what BDSM is all about. I've never had issues finding compatible partners.

Prinsexx -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 12:20:09 PM)
i can't say i know i am mainstream anything. From the very earliest memories i have always had a deep sense of being on the outside looking in; of holding a set of beliefs that seemed different to most others', of being sexualised very early on, on being servile/submissive and never wanting to take the intiative in intimacy. i am now just an older version of that person, never play publicly, am not aware of imitating anyone nor am i concerned about my behaviour save what my Master requires of me, loves from me, trains me in, sets limits to and so forth. My slaveishness does not depend upon any equipment save for my integrity of mind, body and spirit. However i am entirely grateful and always will remain so to all of those Dominants and Masters along my path who have contained me, taught me, and have given me those moments, those precious feelings of being connected, of being in the flow. Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing by a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity. Not my term of course but proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, (pronounced chick-sent-me-highly) the concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields........so i guess when i am in the bdsm flow, in those moments, i might or might not be in the same stream as everyone else.............

DesFIP -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 12:42:49 PM)
For kinky sex, I don't find that a problem. You do something or ask for something and they either agree or don't, and maybe next time they ask for something. But for domination and submission, I want to know that he's aware of what he's doing, as well as what I'm doing. My experiences, and as a femsub I understand will be very different from a femdom, is that a vanilla male will take my submission, my giving him my power and lose respect for me in the process. Whereas a dominant male wants a woman who does this, will not take and take until I'm empty, and he'll appreciate me for what I do. Which is the total opposite of what I get from nonkinky types.

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 1:51:03 PM)
I did a lot of things naturally, before I discovered the lifestyle and was introduced to all the labels for this madness. Some of the things, was an evolution of play. Some of the things, was ideas from TV, movies, books and whatnot. Some of it was very much by accident. Combination of things.

SurrenderForMe -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 1:58:56 PM)
Yay, I found people like me. lol Thank you HagiaSophia, MizSexyVixen very much what I was talking about. With my knowledge of the scene, it is now a howl when I see and identify people who are so obviously x. I also enjoyed the meetings when I identified someone who seemed to know he was a sub and when I asked, he acknowledged that that was exactly what he was. He seemed pleased as well. Thank you AAkasha, I have mainly had the same experience, but didn't meet up with the tie me up and blow me mentality in that situation. I know that it exists, but I met up with it in the scene. In my meetings with people who were not part of the scene, it flowed from one thing to another. Asking to be served dinner, whether I cooked or they did. Having them bathe me,etc. If someone submitted in bed, they had already shown other submissive traits in our interactions and conversations. It just moved deeper from there. Plus, if I had someone bathe me, I knew I was going to tie them up. The blow me part was if I wanted to do it. And there were a lot of, no oral, hogties. lol Prinsexx, you almost had me. I started reading and I'm thinking, exactly. I actually choked when it ended quote: on being servile/submissive and never wanting to take the intiative in intimacy. lol. I lost track of which side you were playing on. I had those experiences, from the other side. DesFIP, actually that is the exact opposite of what I am talking about. I had whole complete d/s relationships where nothing was discussed in terms of bdsm. If something was in issue, we discussed the issue. They were adults, all way over 21, intelligent, able to understand what they were doing. All able to say no. And without bringing terminology from the scene into it, we were able to have a good relationship. On the dom side, I haven't experienced it, but I have watched both male and female domme couples where the interactions screams dom/sub and my conversations with those couples did not even touch on kink. The dynamic exists without being realized by either. While there are men and women who will see a submissive trait as something to disrespect, that is the dysfunctional type of guy or woman that does that. Thank you for your comments.

MzMia -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 2:18:22 PM)
SurrenderForMe, pick me! pick me! lol I have always been a Dominant woman, and I "stumbled" onto this lifestyle about 5 years ago. This thread reminds me of a similar thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1906897/tm.htm This thread was about being a "Natural Submissive" and I spoke about being a "Natural Dominant". I always enjoyed tying a man up, taking control and being in charge...years before I learned about this "lifestyle". I had heard about S/m for years and was not interested, but I perked up when I learned about D/s. The most loving and serious relationships I have ever had were with men that were "naturally submissive", followed directions well and were obedient.[;)] I see {vanilla} D/s relationships all over the place, especially in my own family. I am also one who believes that many of us are born primarily Dominant or submissive and are this way innately. Again, I said many people are born this way. certainly not all ymmv I see it all around me, and I always laugh silently at the {vanilla}submissive or Dominant qualities. Thanks for the thread.

JoePNY707 -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 2:19:53 PM)
I've always played it natural--if you are going to click, it is far more likely that you will instinctively recognize a possible playmate as you get to know the person, rather than assume that the right 'label' will guarantee everything will work out perfectly!

Missokyst -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 2:24:39 PM)
I did this stuff before the net was common, so yeah, it happened naturally for me. I didn't go around calling people master (still dont!), I was not considering myself a servant, it was just relationship stuff. It may have started out as what people call kinky sex, but it was pretty normal sex if you ask me. At least every man I have been involved with seemed to get the wild hairs to tie me up and torment me. I never had to say I was kinky. I never implied I was sub because that word did not mean anything to me in my vocabulary, except in a negative way when my husband demanded I change religions and learn to submit to his will under gods law. I think people tend to find what they need in how ever means it takes. The net supposedly makes it easier, but I was always able to find men who did this in regular life. Now that the net rules the world, I havent found squat. People get these odd ideas which don't work for me at all. sigh I think I need to do a bit of reckless driving. At least there is the possibility of meeting a cop around my age. They are always good for kink, and domination. The net route has blasted any chance for me right out of the water. I am so sick of online ds I could yank by brains out and hurl them into a wall. Kyst

MzMia -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 2:38:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I did this stuff before the net was common, so yeah, it happened naturally for me. I didn't go around calling people master (still dont!), I was not considering myself a servant, it was just relationship stuff. It may have started out as what people call kinky sex, but it was pretty normal sex if you ask me. At least every man I have been involved with seemed to get the wild hairs to tie me up and torment me. I never had to say I was kinky. I never implied I was sub because that word did not mean anything to me in my vocabulary, except in a negative way when my husband demanded I change religions and learn to submit to his will under gods law. I think people tend to find what they need in how ever means it takes. The net supposedly makes it easier, but I was always able to find men who did this in regular life. Now that the net rules the world, I havent found squat. People get these odd ideas which don't work for me at all. sigh I think I need to do a bit of reckless driving. At least there is the possibility of meeting a cop around my age. They are always good for kink, and domination. The net route has blasted any chance for me right out of the water. I am so sick of online ds I could yank by brains out and hurl them into a wall. Kyst Okay Kyst tell us how you REALLY feel! I frigging love your post, and I understand how you feel! If you believe as I do, that there are MANY people that are naturally Dominant or submissive, that often just need a little---> push, than you realize that if/when you meet the "right" person for you, that it is possible to create your own little world, in which you can find happiness. I have a friend on CollarMe, who just met a submissive woman on a free vanilla dating site, and the little Dominant bugger is as happy as a clam. The world is so much bigger than many of us realize.

TwoNYCDommes -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 4:36:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SurrenderForMe Is there anyone else on CM who just did what came naturally without the extraneous nomenclature? Yes. Your post mirrors my experience to a large degree.

KnightofMists -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 5:15:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SurrenderForMe Is there anyone else on CM who just did what came naturally without the extraneous nomenclature? Alandra and I lived our life for over 10 years without the benefit of the common terminology with the community. However, that is only because we didn't engage or associate with a community in anyway. Once we became aware and engage in the community we became aware of the various terminology that existed. It became necessary to a degree to communicate and understand others to learn and use the terminology somewhat. .... it is only one tool of many to use. I wouldn't very smart if I used a Hammer to pound a screw into the wall. Use what is effective not because it is your favorite approach.

Evility -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 5:45:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst The net supposedly makes it easier, but I was always able to find men who did this in regular life. Now that the net rules the world, I haven't found squat. What is it about the internet that prohibits you from doing things the way you always did prior to the internet? Has the internet polluted every single guy on the planet and filled his head with mush? Did real life just disappear when the internet became a big public spectacle? I can see it going the other way. Someone who discovered their submission or dominance right after they got DSL modem and that's the only way they know how to connect. But if you were doing fine before that you should still be fine. To the OP: It all depends what you want to do to people. Back in the day when my forays into fetish were little more than really kinky foreplay I seemed to do pretty well finding willing partners on a fairly regular basis. Nothing I ever suggested was really over the top. Now that my tastes and desires have evolved a bit I think I probably would reach a boundary or two in my pursuit of sadism where it would become difficult to cultivate it in another person from the ground up.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 6:49:50 PM)
I didn't do this so much with BDSM. I came to that late in my life (after a lifetime of being bossy, and unfortunately, ending up with partners who -liked- that I ran things, but who had friends and family who constantly nagged them about 'giving in' to me and 'letting me run the show' that resulted in such unpleasant after-effects that I shed the relationships to get rid of the back-seat drivers.) Where I -did- do the "instinctive" thing was in polyamory. Somehow, that, and my gender-bending bisexuality, have always been done on a "go with the flow" basis. It wasn't until a few years ago that I discovered that there were actually -groups- where polyamorous people could go to enjoy one anothers' company. I didn't even call my poly-bisexuality that... for most of my life I've called myself "ambisexterous". I didn't know there were other terms for it... it just -was-... something in my wiring that attracted me to -people-, not races or genders... and without losing my love for the people already in my life just because there was someone else who I realized I could love. In many ways, I think that I'm going backwards in BDSM. I had the terminology first... but now that I've been around a while, I'm becoming progressively more 'organic' about all of it -- shedding titles and boxes, and exploring beyond the limits of what I thought I knew, and who I thought I was. Calla Firestorm

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 7:11:41 PM)
I entered into things the standard way these days- online, with all the terminology and baggage that goes with it, However, I've never seen an article in IE or The Loving Dominant, or CastleRealm, or any common link that gets sent in those newbie packets about anything close to what my relationship and dynamics ended up being- nor what a great majority of ones that make it work in the long term. It's just like the vanilla world- there isn't a guidebooke, no matter how most people want there to be. I am glad we have a general jargonistic frame of reference and a place I can go do kinky stuff in public with others- but I don't try to turn that into a set of standards or rules for my own life, no more than I would if I were just vanilla.

SurrenderForMe -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 7:33:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I did this stuff before the net was common, so yeah, it happened naturally for me. I didn't go around calling people master (still dont!), I was not considering myself a servant, it was just relationship stuff. It may have started out as what people call kinky sex, but it was pretty normal sex if you ask me. At least every man I have been involved with seemed to get the wild hairs to tie me up and torment me. I never had to say I was kinky. I never implied I was sub because that word did not mean anything to me in my vocabulary, except in a negative way when my husband demanded I change religions and learn to submit to his will under gods law. I think people tend to find what they need in how ever means it takes. The net supposedly makes it easier, but I was always able to find men who did this in regular life. Now that the net rules the world, I havent found squat. People get these odd ideas which don't work for me at all. sigh I think I need to do a bit of reckless driving. At least there is the possibility of meeting a cop around my age. They are always good for kink, and domination. The net route has blasted any chance for me right out of the water. I am so sick of online ds I could yank by brains out and hurl them into a wall. Kyst The reason I would use the net when I am ready to re-enter this interesting world of relationships again is because, agreeing with you completely and having encountered all the same things, it is all that is left. Being exposed to the scene corrupted my innocence. What I mean by that is I can't unlearn what I learned. I also made all my friends in the kinky community. A definite handicap. I haven't really pursued anyone in a while, I fell into a mindset that wiped out awareness of the general world around me as a potential source of partners. Something in the last couple of days started me thinking about how I started out and connecting it in context. I'm not sure how I would proceed and I will try to hold on to this realization. Maybe that would help you, but I don't know if my reason for my feeling is the same as yours. Good luck.

Leatherist -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 7:36:13 PM)
mainstream...............................................................................................................extreme. Where do you fall on the scale?

SurrenderForMe -> RE: Are you mainstream kinky? (7/22/2008 7:39:42 PM)
MzMia, you are too funny. Consider yourself picked and with a gold star. That thread was great. Slightly different slant but it is the same thought in general. I don't see everyone born as dom or sub. I see them as having both traits, with some at each extreme. There are a lot of people who fall around the middle. Enough differences to give us a very good balance of all types. That would be fun, to hang around with some people and have a contest to see who could find the most submissive type within a time limit at say a mall or somewhere. Then I'd egg everyone on to test our theory.

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