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Married subs and control issues - 11/14/2005 8:11:55 PM

MistRosemary

Posts: 6
Status: offline

Ok here is a sincere question to XXXX (note it was deleted from the Mistress section due to duplication here but I had wanted two separate perspectives... ) ... I have a sub who was released and wants to come back.

Apart from the EXPULSION threat or the NON-RESPONSE reaction to control and psychological issues revolving around his other life commitments (we are not talking 24/7 slavehood here), what would be some effective behaviour modification techniques to address the issues I have with him over:

- time management and priority setting... meaning Me vis-a-vis the acknowledge life situation

- resolving the inner conflict in the sub's mind between his love of kink and submission and need to keep his vanilla life intact?

Yes I know... don't take him back ... but I am considering taking him back because I'm picky & he is good when we are together or when we go into our spaces ... and he has great energy (we really feed off each other) ... Character: he is very honest apart from not telling his vanilla life about me he does share openly with me.... or at least I don't believe he has been deceitful with me.. That would be immediate expulsion.

So give me some good ideas to save a good sub.

< Message edited by MistRosemary -- 11/14/2005 9:07:32 PM >

_____________________________

Miss Rosemary... Not vanilla just first time posting here [color]

Post #: 1

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/14/2005 8:23:59 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Your married sub has a vanilla life that will be his priority. I don't think you can do anything to change that. You can't fully have control of someone who is not totally yours, in my opinion.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 2

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/14/2005 8:55:43 PM

MistRosemary

Posts: 6
Status: offline

To Moderator number 7.

I asked this in two sections because I wanted both perspectives... . If I have to choose then I choose to ask Other Mistresses... Thank you for giving me the choice.

Miss Rosemary

_____________________________

Miss Rosemary... Not vanilla just first time posting here [color]

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 3

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/14/2005 9:43:33 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

I am afraid I will agree with Julie. As long as he is married, he is not submissive to you unless and until such time as he is with you. And his wife always will (and always should) take priority.
Only you can decide how much you are willing to trade. If you are content with what you can have when he is able to give it, and you have the flexibility to maintain a personal relationship on that level, you are already aware of how things will be. I do not see any way to improve the situation. It is what it is.
For Myself...I will not interact with a married except on a professional level.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 4

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/15/2005 8:39:10 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistRosemary

To Moderator number 7.

I asked this in two sections because I wanted both perspectives... . If I have to choose then I choose to ask Other Mistresses... Thank you for giving me the choice.

Miss Rosemary

(FYI, we're all encouraged to write in any board. That is, all orientations are accepted and encouraged regardless of the board title. They are just to help organize the topics)

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 5

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/15/2005 9:54:01 AM

ginawithaB

Posts: 141
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

This is such an interesting question. More of a dilemma than most would realize unless they are in a similar situation. I have a similar problem, only kind of in reverse. He, the Dom, is in a committed mostly "vanilla" relationship and He feels He cannot tell her about me. We connect on a very deep level, communication as well as the kinds of kink we enjoy and I have all these internal conflicts around being dishonest along with Him. If it was simply a matter of enjoying playing together that would be a no-brainer, but we both enjoy the other aspects of our connection. The communication is wonderful.

The only thing I can recommend is constant communication of feelings. At least that is what we do...and it is not always smooth sailing, but the fact that He gives me the space to say, "I'm feeling angry," or "I really want You to tell her..." makes a difference, even if some things can't be. Right now, possibly forever, she is His #1 priority. My decision centers around whether what we have together vs. my want/need for a more prominent position in His life will allow me a certain degree of satisfaction that I can live with. But as far as actual behavior mod techniques to use...I think most important thing is for the two of you to really sit down with planners in hand and design a contact schedule, with flexibility built-in of course, always acknowledging his life as well as your wants and needs. And I think it can't be etched in stone...you must constantly revisit it, perhaps checking in monthly or more often, depending, and make revisions as necessary. And if it really gets to the point where the bad timing of the situation prevails, you might just have to desolve it permanently.

I hope this is useful to you in some way, Ma'am. All the best.

gina

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 6

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/15/2005 10:14:27 AM

MsIce

Posts: 59
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline

I agree, I wont see any married subs, unless they are prepared to pay. At the end of the day their true priority is to their wife and their vanilla life, regardless of what they say.

To me it not dissimilar to having an affair with a married man, you can say its different as there is a BDSM element, but to my mind they are still cheating on their wife. How does he show his submission? by helping you do things, or being there for you, I would doubt that. There is more to being submissive than crawling when Mistress says and then going home to your happy wife and home.

No critism intended just something that I have become very firm with. There are a great number of attached men looking for kinky play, so I drew a line in the sand.

(in reply to ginawithaB)

Post #: 7

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/15/2005 11:31:57 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

I wouldn't take a married anything at all. D/s or regular. I am to be anybodies first priority in life and I will not be the dirty little secret he or she fits in when ever possible.

(in reply to MsIce)

Post #: 8

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/15/2005 12:22:06 PM

BeachBear

Posts: 30
Joined: 10/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

I am afraid I will agree with Julie. As long as he is married, he is not submissive to you unless and until such time as he is with you. And his wife always will (and always should) take priority.
Only you can decide how much you are willing to trade. If you are content with what you can have when he is able to give it, and you have the flexibility to maintain a personal relationship on that level, you are already aware of how things will be. I do not see any way to improve the situation. It is what it is.
For Myself...I will not interact with a married except on a professional level.

Depends on the sub. I am married, and have been so for 26 years. I have been in numerous D/s relationships for about the past 20 years on. Worked pretty well until I met the perfect Domme about 3 months ago. Trouble was "no marrieds", for the control reasons that you described. How did we solve it? Simple, I am in a cock cage, secured by a 4 gauge piercing (totally inescapable), 24/7, with her holding the only key, when I am in the Vanilla world. My wife? She just thinks I am being a wierd kink, and really doesn't care for sex anyway. My Domina? Tickled pink.

What is this life, if not concessions and compromise?

bear
Chastised, Caged Pet to the Domina Selaene

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 9

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/19/2005 11:05:10 PM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

goddess rose misty,
if we're, not talking 24/7 here: i really can't answser....,
of course expulsion threat ,and, his lack, of responding ,in the 24/7 would be more pronounced(saturation -deprivation factors)
if you knew what, to do exactly ,to cultivate a sexual relationship ,including all these ,other things; he would never leave,ie; using him, as an object while you talk ,on the phone, or knowing ,and ,showing your omnicient godlike power ,about his whereabouts ;calling even the dept. stores, if he is there....,so he knows you are ,on top everywhere....changing work time, to playtime ;changing having, to be working ,or ignoring him ,into nonchallance, and, foreplay;his service, to you automatic ;depended upon ,and ,constant....,because ,your work ,or social time away ,or ,in this slaves presence is, just an extention ,of his service,
unless he's ,so vanilla ;you are a lark.

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 11/19/2005 11:18:33 PM >

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 10

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/19/2005 11:31:47 PM

girl4you2

Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

so long as one person in a relationship has an outside marriage, that will be their number one priority. if the other person can't spend their time thinking of you and being with you, how strong can it become? being dishonest with a spouse and cheating on them shows they have little regard for their marriage, and because you only get bits of time, it's not showing a heck of a lot of regard for you. sometimes it might be best to stop seeing a married person and let them think about what their priorites really are. waiting can go on a long time. just a few thoughts.

_____________________________

maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 11

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/20/2005 10:04:47 AM

chgosubmale

Posts: 34
Joined: 6/9/2004
Status: offline

I am married so let me share of my perspective. First, I am totally honest about my marital status in my profile. The last thing I want to do is to convince someone to write to me who is completely not interested on account of that. Should someone be interested, I am always very honest and forthright about what restrictions I have on my availability so that She can determine whether or not I meet her needs. If some agreement is then reached, then I'd say it is my responsibilty to live up to it. Of course, there are always situations that do arise as always. This would be true whether or not I was married. I might get sent ona business trip, for example. But if I could not regularly fulfill my duties, then there are only two real options I guess: dismissal or forcing me to make a decision on which way I'm going to go. I guess ultimately if the service you are getting, despite the problems that come with it, is more worthwhile to you than having nothing, then I guess you could keep him on. But good luck trying to change things.

PS: If anyone thinks my profile is not clear on this matter or that there are questions any Domme would have on it, please let me know so I can make the appropriate edits. Thanks!

(in reply to girl4you2)

Post #: 12

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/20/2005 2:31:10 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

. Character: he is very honest apart from not telling his vanilla life about me he does share openly with me.... or at least I don't believe he has been deceitful with me..

He is not honest- if he can lie to his wife/ why not you?
cheating - sneaking around - lying when married and spouse doesn't know is still - cheating - sneaking around and lying - placing BDSM - M/s - D/s or any other tag on it doesn't make it OK doesn't make it acceptable. IMO.

You will never be a priority- The married life will always be number 1 no matter what junk they tell you.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to MistRosemary)

Post #: 13

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/20/2005 3:08:35 PM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

First, I am totally honest about my marital status in my profile.

Here's the issue.

If you aren't being honest with the person to whom you are married and sharing your life, I think I'd have to be a complete and total fool to think you would be "totally honest" with me.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 11/20/2005 3:10:02 PM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to chgosubmale)

Post #: 14

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/21/2005 7:22:46 AM

MastersBabieGirl

Posts: 63
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: courtice ontario
Status: offline

both my master and i are married to vanillas it works perfect for us
i am under his control at all times however we both know that things come up in our lives
we talk everyday and are together at least 3 hours a day
it works for us
we have been doing this for a year now and still going strong i think its what ever works for you both

_____________________________

owned and obeying my Master at all times

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 15

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/21/2005 11:25:20 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Ok at the risk of being jumped on i am going to take the other road. I am married and i can be totally submissive when i have a Master. I keep my 2 worlds as seprate a possible,it is possible to be a sub and half of a vanilla relationship at least in my case it is.

littleone

(in reply to MastersBabieGirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/21/2005 7:06:26 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chgosubmale

PS: If anyone thinks my profile is not clear on this matter or that there are questions any Domme would have on it, please let me know so I can make the appropriate edits. Thanks!

Well, just out of curiosity, how do you plan to manage "what will hopefully become a long term, 24x7 live-in slave position" if you're married?

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to chgosubmale)

Post #: 17

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/21/2005 7:37:53 PM

girl4you2

Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

If you aren't being honest with the person to whom you are married and sharing your life, I think I'd have to be a complete and total fool to think you would be "totally honest" with me.

i'm still wondering about the honour and integrity and trust thing that is supposed to be at the heart of all things wonderful. if the marriage isn't working, then either work to fix it, or live with it, or get out of it. if you choose to do otherwise, especially if you are not completely and fully forthwith with your spouse, how can you honour any other relationship? is it situational honesty? i see that on the news a lot. sometimes you can get away with it, but does it cut into personal ethics? curious, that.

_____________________________

maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 18

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/22/2005 11:25:17 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

Another aspect is if he got bored with his wife and went to a mistress for fufillment what makes any one feel secure that he won't tire of mistress one, and go find a mistress two.

It's very dishonorable to leave your life partner for someone else because you wanted the second more than the first, If someone was made to make the choice her or I not both and he c hose the I over the her, Well I'd not want any one who was willing to leave a marrage just for me, because I know just as soon as the grass is greener somewhere else he will leave me for the greener stuff.

You can't make someone choose to change. People only change because they're willing too.

There's moral issues as well as others to consider. I personally wuld not be content or happy being someone's dirty secret he comes to when he "has time"

(in reply to girl4you2)

Post #: 19

RE: Married subs and control issues - 11/22/2005 5:19:57 PM

ameha21

Posts: 21
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline

its my belief that a sub should give herself or himself to his/her owner completely. if the sub is married then they should dedicate their life either to their spouse or master or mistress. if they're unwilling to divorce their spouse to give themselves to their owner, then they're not worth the bother b/c their heart/loyalty/love is divided. a sub's heart/loyalty/love should only belong to their owner, no one else.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 20

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