RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (Full Version)

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softness -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 7:56:29 AM)

It doesn't have to be him that you forgive ... start with forgiving yourself.



CruelDesires -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 7:59:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
and p.s. with regard to hitting him .... I know full well that one day something will snap inside me and I will simply chin DV. We have already discussed this, in fact it was Him that predicted it. Now if I am as good as I used to be .. that will take Him to His knees ... which should give me exactly enough time to get out the front door ... and I really had better pray that Stephann and charlotteS left their back door unlocked ... because DVwill be after me with all the furies and that punch signifies the start of 24hrs where all bets are off ... am thinking charlotte would kinda enjoy playing human sheid for me.


Sounds like you may have control issues too. That is one of the problems with youth. You don't have the years behind you that the older people do to learn it. I'm not saying it is bad to be young, just that you haven't had the years to gain some of that wisdom. I will admit that at your age I was seriously lacking in control and had anger issues. My "Moment of clarity" happened around the age of 35. Hopefully your moment will come sooner. :-)

CD

Edited spelling error



lally3 -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:03:20 AM)

hey corset minx..

something very similar happened to me just recently.  i honestly thought we had everything going for us.  i felt completely open to him, totally in trust of him and after he gave me a collar i believed we really were going to be happy.  he talked about the future and made promises he shouldnt have made.

he let me fester away for 4 weeks (after a wonderful weekend together) i could sense something had changed but i put it down to stress, pain from an ulcer, working abroad at the time.  he let me dwindle for four days after he got back from abroad without talking to me and i still had his collar on.  it took him two days after that to send me the allum key so i could get it off finally.  eventually he rang and said he felt too old for me... what a pile of horse!

so hun, i know exactly what you mean and how you feel, i understand your anger and your hurt - if youre like me youre going to be wondering what the hell is so bad with you that someone could want you so much one day and not atall the next.

all i can say is what other people have said, talk to friends, talk to me if you like, it does help.

this happened to me about two weeks ago - im looking again, but im taking it slow.  im being really careful about reading between the lines, im sussing out the ones who think they want D/s until they realise theres more to it than kinky sex, im weeding out the fantasists and the ones just accessing D/s for amenable women, im throwing out the ones who make a differentiation between their vanilla lives and their D/s life - the way i see that is that im sub, all of the time, within myself, it is who i am, i dont see how a D can be any different.

most of what ive done too is use what i learnt with him to see where i went wrong - i think i pressured him too quickly, i think i became too trusting and submissive too soon.

everything that doesnt kill us makes us strong.

dont beat yourself up by hitting out - it was an expression of anger that has shocked and appalled you, dont beat yourself up any more.  just look back and grow from what youve learnt.

one more thing.  dont paint all D's with the same tainted brush - there are some good guys out there, but we have to be really careful to find the genuine D/sers and not the ones accessing D/s for kink. 

honestly i think there are people out there who really really dont understand what it is to submit or the level of emotion and trust that you place in them, its not a small thing atall, but apparently to some its just what we do, no biggee.

and i mean it, if you need a friend to talk to, drop me a line.  it is annihilating, but youll bounce back.  what you have to do is stop taking it too seriously, dont make it an obsession, take your time, tell anyone who approaches you that you need to take it easy, explain why (leave out the hitting bit though)

xx



softness -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:06:25 AM)

CD .. I actually have pretty amazing control over my temper .. better than most. I have learned that even at my young age, and even against the difficulties of youth. I do a job where even to lose control for a second would not only destroy my career, but also my sense of self. I have never lost my temper at work, and if I can keep it there I can keep it anywhere. Trust me when I say .. I don't need the moment of epiphany that you needed.

The reason I know one day DV will take a thump in the smoocher is because He is just the type to intentionally mind fuck me into losing that last shred of control. I can vividly imagine a situation where He would not allow me to walk away, not allow me to cool off .. and would just keep pushing until I snapped.



CorsetMinx -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:08:12 AM)

Thanks David. I'll definitely check out Steinbeck.
-Minx

quote:

ORIGINAL: edgeofdavid

I detest the saying "let it go." However, dwelling on negative emotions will unltimately give you the same result. As for what you did, it's not my place to judge. As for your former Dominant and Lover hitting Him hurt Him emotionally, regardless of whether or not he admits it. It sounds like there IS a severe lack of communication. Be honest with yourself and find someone close to share your feelings with. Be active, and social in your daily life.

If you find you still feel and think about these things a therapist is a perfectly reasonable solution. If you do choose therapy be patient and find someone you like. One day when you don't feel so strongly about what happened, apologizing to Him would be a big step in moving on with your life. Obviously you see something wrong with your reaction, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned hitting Him. How He chooses to react to any and all of this is His choice and you have absolutely no control of it. Not because He's a Dominant, it's just a fact of life.

Personally, i prefer Stienbeck. I know, weird, but i can only speak for myself. Few things help me come back to a healthy perspective like being reminded good people have the capacity to be bad, and bad people have the capacity to be good. In short, we're all human. His writings tend to play on that a lot. He can also be quite depressing, though, just a heads up. Good luck and be well.

-david





CruelDesires -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:11:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

CD .. I actually have pretty amazing control over my temper .. better than most. I have learned that even at my young age, and even against the difficulties of youth. I do a job where even to lose control for a second would not only destroy my career, but also my sense of self. I have never lost my temper at work, and if I can keep it there I can keep it anywhere. Trust me when I say .. I don't need the moment of epiphany that you needed.

The reason I know one day DV will take a thump in the smoocher is because He is just the type to intentionally mind fuck me into losing that last shred of control. I can vividly imagine a situation where He would not allow me to walk away, not allow me to cool off .. and would just keep pushing until I snapped.


And that is something that you desire? Will he then own up to his behavior and take that out on you? I am curious.

CD



SimplyMichael -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:20:08 AM)

Girl,

I spent three YEARS doing what you did on your last day.  Oh the spectacular fights that woman and I had, oh my fucking god!  Probably the worst one was on some birthday or something, we were WAY up in Northern California where it gets to be the boonies and well I said something the wrong way or was a dick and she bit me so fucking hard it bled.  I didn't hit her but I did the whole "pour out every wrong over the last three years in as hurtful a way as possible" routine and oh did that turn into a fight.  After locking myself in the bathroom and waiting for silence to signify she had left, I came out being VERY cautious in case she was hiding with a knife.  She ended up hitchhiking home, a single mother, risking herself like that out of anger.

The point being that we were far worse and a decade or so later, we are both VASTLY better people.  Hitting is never right but a woman beating on the chest of a man in anger is not exactly life threatening!  Take this as an opportunity to look deeply into the mirror of introspection to see where you made bad choices, what your patterns are, what you need to work on.  Few things are as painful or difficult but in the long run, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is as rewarding as working through and getting past your own issues.

I have left behind much that I didn't like about myself and kept and even enhanced the good.  Right now, I am going through another period of intense growth and am again leaving the bad behind and taking the good and doing my best to enhance it.  It is painful, at times terrifying, but I know that at the far end of the chasm lies a better, happier, more successful me and I am not going to let anything stop me.

So, good luck with things.



subtee -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:21:36 AM)

Right on with Steinbeck, and for the reasons you described.

I also always turn to Gibran (as many here know). You're here, you're a human being and therefore, it seems to me, worthy of anger just as you are worthy of bliss. From "The Prophet":

It is when your spirit goes wandering upon the wind,
 
That you, alone and unguarded, commit a wrong unto others and therefore unto yourself.
 
And for that wrong committed must you knock and wait a while unheeded at the gate of the blessed.
 
Like the ocean is your god-self;
 
It remains for ever undefiled.
 
And like the ether it lifts but the winged.
 
Even like the sun is your god-self;
 
It knows not the ways of the mole nor seeks it the holes of the serpent.
 
But your god-self does not dwell alone in your being.
 
Much in you is still man, and much in you is not yet man,
 
But a shapeless pigmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening.
 
And of the man in you would I now speak.
 
For it is he and not your god-self nor the pigmy in the mist, that knows crime and the punishment of crime.
 
Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world.
 
But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you,
 
So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.
 
And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree,
 
So the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all.
 
Like a procession you walk together towards your god-self.
 
You are the way and the wayfarers.
 
And when one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone.
 
Ay, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the stumbling stone.
 
And this also, though the word lie heavy upon your hearts:
 
The murdered is not unaccountable for his own murder,
 
And the robbed is not blameless in being robbed.
 
The righteous is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked,
 
And the white-handed is not clean in the doings of the felon.
 
Yea, the guilty is oftentimes the victim of the injured,
 
And still more often the condemned is the burden-bearer for the guiltless and unblamed.
 
You cannot separate the just from the unjust and the good from the wicked;
 
For they stand together before the face of the sun even as the black thread and the white are woven together.
 
And when the black thread breaks, the weaver shall look into the whole cloth, and he shall examine the loom also.
 
If any of you would bring judgment the unfaithful wife,
 
Let him also weight the heart of her husband in scales, and measure his soul with measurements.
 
And let him who would lash the offender look unto the spirit of the offended.
 
And if any of you would punish in the name of righteousness and lay the ax unto the evil tree, let him see to its roots;
 
And verily he will find the roots of the good and the bad, the fruitful and the fruitless, all entwined together in the silent heart of the earth.
(excerpted)



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:29:01 AM)

I am not sure how long it took me to  "recover" when my slave left me.  I have never felt to completely betrayed, as a person, and as a dominant.  I know that I had to take a whole year off of playing, because I was afraid some poor man was going to inadvertently trip my trigger and bear the brunt of something awful.

Two months?  Honestly, not that long.  I don't think it's a good idea to dwell on every bit of pain, but there is no timetable here. 

Softness is right---forgive YOURSELF.  Work through your anger, take time to grieve, and see what good you can take away from this experience. 



softness -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:30:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

And that is something that you desire? Will he then own up to his behavior and take that out on you? I am curious.

CD


[sm=threadhijack.gif]

Actually yes ... I think I would very much like to experience my anger in a safe space and know that it does not make me unlovable... The worst I am gonna do is punch Him, maybe twice. He isn't gonna give me a gun and then tempt the red mist. I know me and the way my anger works .. its part of how I can control it so well.

And yes, if He created that kind of reaction He would take responsibility for it. Just like He takes responsisbility for everything in our dynamic. By owning up what do you mean? ... He doesn't hide His intentions from me.

anyway .. back to the thread .. email me if you have more questions




lighthearted -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:32:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx

To the one person who mentioned needing to forgive, I think you're right. I think that is going to be key for me. This is the point I wish I was at now, but am sad to say I'm not. I'm trying though, and some days are better than others.


while my own experiences haven't been as dramatic, I realized that when my last relationship ended what I needed to do was 1. take the high road and 2. be able to look at the person for who/what they really were, no romanticizing. 

in order to do both of those things, you have to be able to step back and look at the situation from a place of control - which is the hard part.  however you achieve this control, through time, writing, therapy, whatever, is your choice, you know yourself best, but without it, you are trapping yourself in a neverending, unproductive circle.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:34:08 AM)

Once, just once, I would like to NOT take the frelling high road!  [:@]

But then Juliet would yell at me, and she would be right.... 



lighthearted -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:35:36 AM)

it ain't easy, is it?  but then again, it does allow for the occasional well-deserved smugness [:D]



CorsetMinx -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 8:47:10 AM)

Lady H, this is the one time I didn't take the high road, to my own shame. It was only satisfying in the moment but has only brought grief since. Stick to the high road!


quote:

ORIGINAL: lighthearted

it ain't easy, is it? but then again, it does allow for the occasional well-deserved smugness [:D]




CorsetMinx -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 9:16:45 AM)

SM - this is precisely where I am at: in a period of intense introspection and growth. I actually believe that the universe brings to us just what we need in order to grow better as human beings and fulfill our true potential. This apparently was something I needed to experience to move forward and grow, though I'm still struggling with some of it.

Collarme and the community here has been a big part of that for me. I only became truly active in pursuing my bdsm desires this year after wanting to do so for a very long time. I love that I can come here and learn from others and share my newbie craziness (even with the flames). I write and speak because I want to grow and I want others to also learn from me. Otherwise what use are any of our experiences?

I thank you for being the only dominant to reply/post here with a kind word. Though this is a subbie board and I was submitting my rant for the feedback of other subbies, I seem to have attracted much berating from some Doms who felt compelled to write back with their own ideas of what's good for me, ie: learning 'control' and 'getting over it'. I'll bite my tongue to what I may have said back to them off the cuff and simply say though most Doms could not understand my perspective at all because they are on the other side of the coin, I appreciate you commenting from a humanist point of view.

Thanks!
-Minx


quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Take this as an opportunity to look deeply into the mirror of introspection to see where you made bad choices, what your patterns are, what you need to work on. Few things are as painful or difficult but in the long run, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is as rewarding as working through and getting past your own issues.

I have left behind much that I didn't like about myself and kept and even enhanced the good. Right now, I am going through another period of intense growth and am again leaving the bad behind and taking the good and doing my best to enhance it. It is painful, at times terrifying, but I know that at the far end of the chasm lies a better, happier, more successful me and I am not going to let anything stop me.




RedMagic1 -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 9:27:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx
I seem to have attracted much berating from some Doms who felt compelled to write back with their own ideas of what's good for me, ie: learning 'control' and 'getting over it'. I'll bite my tongue to what I may have said back to them off the cuff and simply say though most Doms could not understand my perspective at all because they are on the other side of the coin,

Cruel Desires uses fewer words than Michael does when he posts.  That might make CD's posts harder to digest.  I usually agree with both of them, and I agree with them both in this thread also.  I also think that it's your inexperience with BDSM that leads you to believe there is a "coin" here, or "sides."  Values like self-control and personal responsibility are important for everyone, regardless of their role in a relationship, or in a bedroom.

The way I read it, CD was talking about goals to achieve, and SM was talking about how to achieve them.



restlessdreamer -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 9:38:23 AM)

In my journey through life, I've learned a few things, the hard way.

One, is that you can never hurt someone else to the same degree they've hurt you, no matter how hard you try. It's a futile effort. Believe me.

Two, hate keeps you committed. Even when you're finally ready to move on, hate will bring back to square one everytime. If there is but one thing you 'let go' from this experience - let it be hate. (Not to be confused with anger)


And y'know - I do not endorse violence as a solution to any situation - but sometimes, once in a blue moon, a member of the human race needs a swift cuff upside the head that will wake up their realization to the result of their actions. Some people are really too dense to understand how much they are hurting the person they love.

(Redheads are such wild, physically emotional, treacherous and beautiful creatures, we are. - Grin - Well worth the effort!)



ownedgirlie -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 10:02:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

It doesn't have to be him that you forgive ... start with forgiving yourself.


I hope she sees and pays attention to this one, because it is a huge step in healing.  In my case, I thought about all my ex subjected me to, and then had a lightbulb moment in a therapy session when I looked at my therapist and said, "Oh my God, why did I let him treat me that way?  Why was that OK with me?  How am I gonna forgive myself for that?"

I do know what it is to feel totally violent toward someone who has hurt you.  The day I walked into my house (I had moved out but left everything in the house so as not to disrupt things too much just yet) and saw that my ex had completely emptied it - no furniture, no family photos, books, nothing - and was sitting there in the living room packing up the last of the musical gear - when I asked him, "Where's my stuff?" and he smugly said, "Gone"....all of my inner rage came over me and I knew if I did not leave right that instant I seriously was going to crush his fucking little head with my bare hands. 

It shocked me to know I was capable of that much anger, and by the grace of God I marched myself right out of that house and fast (only to have a serious anxiety attack about a mile down the road).  I have no doubt that had I stuck around I probably would have killed him, and that scared me. 

It took a LOT of work to get over that anger.  Some days I still have to remind myself to focus on moving forward and not anchor myself to the past.  But my future looks a hell of a lot brighter than my past was, so it's a no brainer as to where I really want to be.

But forgiving myself was the first step to really healing.



DesFIP -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 10:13:20 AM)

How dare he decide he doesn't want to be with you anymore and not be willing to give you another chance? He didn't just disappear, stop answering your calls. He told you in person that it wasn't working for him.

And you went ballistic. You tried to damage and injure him. And two months later you want to do it again.

I have no idea what his problems are, but you've boasted about yours. Get help for your own problems. Take responsibility for your share of the failure of the relationship. Get therapy. Get anger management. But I wouldn't recommend a small and defenseless animal because you're too close to losing it to be trusted with one.



edgeofdavid -> RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks (7/23/2008 10:33:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx

I'm also a writer, so I often chose to write to express the feelings that come up - that's for all of you who think that I'm also uncommunicative. I've begun writing here on CM to be honest in my journey and with my feelings as they come.


   My apologies if i offended you, it was not my intent. I think two intelligent individuals with wonderful social skills and a talent for communicating with others, are still perfectly capable of completely misunderstanding each other. I applied this to your situation, and that was my assumption; again, please forgive me.
 
   I meant to provide a fellow submissive support in a moment when you where upset. I hope that, despite the personal opinions of some, you ultimately find that here. Good luck to you.

-david



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