RE: When enough is not enough!

RE: When enough is not enough! (Full Version)

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SurrenderForMe -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/23/2008 10:43:12 PM)
Some people walk because the honey moon phase ends. They want it to last but are not willing to put in the work. They can always find someone else. Experience the high and move on. Not commitment phobic, just don't care.

Vendaval -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 1:04:58 AM)
I think there are a few different possibilities - #1 fear of committment #2 fear of loosing their independence #3 there may be someone even better out there #4 some people just do not want to be happy and/or content #5 they are not interested in a growing relationship, prefering the chase and wooing stages

missturbation -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 6:17:42 AM)
Thank you all for your replies, lots of interesting answers for me to ponder [:D]

julietsierra -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 6:38:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation quote: The sub is baring both body and most often their emotional essence to someone. Typically the physical is less intense, but for some letting another into their most private space (their mind) is an extremely intimate experience. For some it can be overwhelming. (Take it from someone who has built emotional walls to protect herself since she was a child. I can definately relate to this and understand it. What about a Dom though? Why would they take flight? I call them "infatuation junkies." They love the hunt. They love all that new relationship energy that just FLOWS around them. However, when that energy fades to being something manageable, because they're addicted to those feelings of infatuation, they feel like their relationships are in trouble and they break it off - most often for something inconsequential. The thing is, they'll NEVER see what they're doing. And the damage they do to the people they come in contact with is phenomenal. Even when they DO see the results of their actions, and vow to do better the next time, the lure of their addiction has them doing the same things over and over and over again. I know people who've done that to at least 5 women that I know of. And each time, prior to their break up, they were going on and on and on to ANYONE who'd listen, about how wonderful these women were in their lives. Then, when the relationship - the day to day workings of the relationship meant effort on their part...they were gone, leaving hurt, confused and devastated women in their wake. They're infatuation junkies. juliet

CreativeDominant -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 6:53:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AmbrosialWench Perhaps "it is everything they ever wanted and more". But the "it" is the dynamics of bdsm they have desired and seeked. However, they realize their vanilla side is not getting the emotional support they need. There really isn't any reason to tell someone you need more closeness and tenderness in a relationship. If they don't do it on their own, they will not be able to slowly change that aspect of their personality. I disagree with the idea that there isn't any reason to tell someone you need more tenderness and closeness AND with the idea that you cannot change that aspect (referencing, I assume, their inability to give more closeness and tenderness without being told) of their personality. God, how many times do I read it over and over and over again on these boards? How many times do I myself say it? Communicate...communicate...communicate. Entering into a D/s dynamic does not preclude the use of tenderness or closeness unless that is specifically negotiated at the beginning. While there are some D/s dynamics that exist without love, many if not most have some level of tenderness and closeness involved if the threads concerning BDSM and love and love first, BDSM second are any indication. But, if you enter into the dynamic at an agreed-upon level and you find that you need more...closeness, tenderness, harder spankings, tighter clamping, more control, less management, etc...then you go to your partner and make them AWARE of that...COMMUNICATE with them. Now, they may not feel the same way and they should COMMUNICATE that back and then a compromise may be negotiated or it might not be. But to me, the idea of sitting there, dissatisfied with not receiving what you need while not communicating what you need sounds like accepting the path to the eventual statement of "the lifestyle didn't give me what I needed" or "he/she was a bad dominant/submissive, they didn't give me what I needed to have" when the blame rests solely on your own shoulders in this instance. ______________________________________________________________ Standards: They are a fine thing to live by but remember, they are in danger of becoming meaningless when you expect someone to live up to your standards and then fail to do so yourself. A good example of this: So many men expect a "Barbie" and forget that they aren't "Ken". On the flip side, so many women expect a "Galahad" but don't want to be expected to be "Guinevere"

CreativeDominant -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 7:05:02 AM)
Nicely written Vendaval. I hope you don't mind that I've added my thoughts on your statements in parentheses quote: ORIGINAL: Vendaval I think there are a few different possibilities - #1 fear of committment (they might actually have to live up to what they say they would love to do) #2 fear of loosing their independence (yes, because we all know that relationships are designed to smother that...especially those we've negotiated before we enter into) #3 there may be someone even better out there (of course. The whole "somewhere is my Barbie...or Ken...or Galahad...or Guinevere". Which leads to every little fault of the current partner being magnified.) #4 some people just do not want to be happy and/or content (ahhhhhhhhhh yes, either the drama kings/queens or those that get some sort of satisfaction in pulling the "I am...alone. I am such a complex creature that it takes a lot of work to make me happy and content but I am so worth it" statement when the real truth is, they are not happy and content unless everything they want is given to them, whether material items or non-material items. It really is all about them...) #5 they are not interested in a growing relationship, prefering the chase and wooing stages (where everything is magical and rosy...where a wrong word is never said, a misstep is never made, a wrong note never sounded, and for some, real life never interferes. And once any of these occur...and let's face it, even if you make it through with no wrong words, no missteps and no wrong notes, there is always real life to interfere, tis an excuse to walk away rather than face things and work).

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:05:36 AM)
ok you people do not get it Some people are not made for this lifestyle To them it just a life growing experince thats it so let them be let them move on to bigger things in their life. Every time someone tries to move away from this lifestyel we feel like there is something wrong with them. Sometimes the shades people wear are a little to dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That being said maybe you need to look at your relationship structure. Remeber anything that does not have a consstant is termoil in motion. There is no absulute solution for anything Only that which you do for you YOU YOU

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:17:38 AM)
I tend to think two basic thoughts apply here.. 1. Some other need, want or desire is not being fullfilled so they bail ass. 2. A fear about something has taken hold of the person.

Dnomyar -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:37:19 AM)
missturbation ponder this [sm=flowers.gif]

LadyHibiscus -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:40:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra I know people who've done that to at least 5 women that I know of. And each time, prior to their break up, they were going on and on and on to ANYONE who'd listen, about how wonderful these women were in their lives. Then, when the relationship - the day to day workings of the relationship meant effort on their part...they were gone, leaving hurt, confused and devastated women in their wake. I was going to say, DANG, I know a guy JUST LIKE THAT, and then I remembered that we know the same people...[&:] I never really put that spin on it, though, I just figured the men were great at getting women and lousy at keeping them.

mollymia -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:47:07 AM)
this just recently happened to me... a sub I have known for 10 yrs... was engaged to for the last year just suddenly started seeing a 'so called' domme where he lives... long story BUT.. this so called domme KNEW he was taken and engaged and went after him anyway.. I have been in this lifestyle over 10 yrs and I have always adhered to the code of ' if a sub is taken he is hands off unless given permission to the other domme .. to even talk to him.. much less scene with him etc... we are now broken up and I just came back from st louis where he lives and retrived my belongings that I had left there.. 'in anticipation of moving there this summer...'

CreativeDominant -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 12:13:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 ok you people do not get it Some people are not made for this lifestyle To them it just a life growing experince thats it so let them be let them move on to bigger things in their life. Every time someone tries to move away from this lifestyel we feel like there is something wrong with them. Sometimes the shades people wear are a little to dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That being said maybe you need to look at your relationship structure. Remeber anything that does not have a consstant is termoil in motion. There is no absulute solution for anything Only that which you do for you YOU YOU Actually, YOU do not get it. We were not talking about those who are just experimenting, we were speaking of those who find a way to blame the lifestyle, the dominant, the submissive, the toys, something within D/s &/or BDSM rather than take a long look at themselves and ask themselves...as I and others noted...all the various questions that would include the word "I". Questions such as "Am I submitting/dominating in the way I said I would or do I expect the whole brass ring from them before I even begin?" "Am I working at this or do I expect it to come easily now that I've decided this is what I want?" "Am I trying to focus on the dynamic instead of ME?" and , "Am I living up to the standards...be it communication, trust, honesty, contact, whatever...that I have set up for my dominant/submissive?"

lovingpet -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 5:48:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation quote: The sub is baring both body and most often their emotional essence to someone. Typically the physical is less intense, but for some letting another into their most private space (their mind) is an extremely intimate experience. For some it can be overwhelming. (Take it from someone who has built emotional walls to protect herself since she was a child. I can definately relate to this and understand it. What about a Dom though? Why would they take flight? The same thing. It is not just the subbie that is bearing heart and soul and facing demons. Intimacy is a two way street. Wishes, lovingpet

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:12:58 PM)
oh come on get your head out of the sand quit trying to muddle the true facts of people just being their true nature not some artist going through a crisis Look at the pure relm of thought of what is being said,. most people grow in different ways your being to ocd on first and second person interpitation just live and have fun how hard can that be

Skully7000 -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/24/2008 8:19:09 PM)
that saying: the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over expecting a different result each time... seems fitting here doesn't it? cheers Skully P.S. and my favorite Alice Quote: "were all Mad here!"

missturbation -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/25/2008 5:03:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Skully7000 that saying: the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over expecting a different result each time... seems fitting here doesn't it? cheers Skully P.S. and my favorite Alice Quote: "were all Mad here!" I'm not sure it does? I'm not altogether sure what you are referring to to be honest?

CreativeDominant -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/25/2008 6:52:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 oh come on get your head out of the sand quit trying to muddle the true facts of people just being their true nature not some artist going through a crisis Look at the pure relm of thought of what is being said,. most people grow in different ways your being to ocd on first and second person interpitation just live and have fun how hard can that be Sorry Latexbaby but "just living and having fun" doesn't mean you get to hurt people along the way and then just excuse it by saying the same sort of B.S. you just spouted. It would be one thing if those same people were that relaxed when someone in their life fucks up, admits to it and accounts for it and tries to make amends, but generally they are not. Tis only them that they consider to be able to get away with fucking up and being able to say "Hey, life is hard. I screwed up and I don't have to deal with it...get over it."

Skully7000 -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/25/2008 10:26:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation quote: ORIGINAL: Skully7000 that saying: the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over expecting a different result each time... seems fitting here doesn't it? cheers Skully P.S. and my favorite Alice Quote: "were all Mad here!" I'm not sure it does? I'm not altogether sure what you are referring to to be honest? my apologies for giving an answer that focused on the "importat" part (imo) without actually pointing to that point. from your OP:"Well i say all of a sudden lol, these people have done this before. Not necessarily to the same person but still the 'lifestyle' seems to become an issue for them every so often." if they are having an issue with the reality being overwhelming them compared to the fantasy...so they break it off. then alone again they start fantasizing again...start looking... rinse and repeat. sure they are probably seeing Symptoms of the break up(that i'm sure they are rationalizing as the root cause) but do they see the actual root cause? are they learning from their mistakes or are they just being insane and hoping that next time will be different? My personal example is that from 15-24 My relationships would all last about 7months-13 months...(sure a I had 2 exceptions) but what I eventually learned was that I'm Poly. in many ways and for many reasons. yet I didn't accept that part of me nor would I cheat on my partner. so my "stircraziness" would slowly poison the relationship Once I accepted my Wiring and was honest about it from the get go, my relationships since Easily cleared all the Typical hurdles that tripped me up previously... I finally learned from my mistakes and found the Root cause and not just the symptoms that I rationalized away. I hope this makes more sense. Cheers Skully

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/26/2008 10:45:06 AM)
well not really but what ever you want to hold dear to No matter if it right or wrong people are going to be what they are wither or not we choose to accept them is our choice. It is really not bs it is a fact of life lol learn the hard way i am not going to stop you from doing something stupid thats on you I have learned that lesson i have other cool lessons to learn. We can not change core behavior if we could prisons would be less full just the way the it is

CreativeDominant -> RE: When enough is not enough! (7/26/2008 10:56:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 well not really but what ever you want to hold dear to No matter if it right or wrong people are going to be what they are wither or not we choose to accept them is our choice. It is really not bs it is a fact of life lol learn the hard way i am not going to stop you from doing something stupid thats on you I have learned that lesson i have other cool lessons to learn. We can not change core behavior if we could prisons would be less full just the way the it is Then...are you stating that when submissives state something about wanting a dominant who will modify their behavior and help them become a better person, it is all just B. S. because it really can't be done? That aq dominant cannot change the behavior and that a submissive really won't change their inner character because it cannot be done? That it is all just surface and temporary? And that when they revert to old behavior, it is on the dominant because he/she should have known they could not REALLY change the submissive's core, could not really help them become a better person?

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