Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: How do you know that you can be a sub


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: How do you know that you can be a sub Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 10:01:32 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

from a different perspective ......

How do you know you can be a sub?
As much as you know you can be a flower.
"Submissive" is an adjective describing part of someone's personality.  http://www.thefreedictionary.com/submissive
"Submissiveness" is a noun, a state of being.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/submissiveness
http://www.yourdictionary.com/humility
 <<<SNIPPED>> strong willed woman, say like Hilary Clinton, would she ever want to be a submissive let alone know she could be?  maybe a bottom


quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58
I disagree that just anyone can take these words and just apply them to themselves.

Why not?  You just applied it to Hilary!

The term 'a submissive' is used to describe someone who pratices submission towards her partner.

If you wanted to get really picky...... the OP said:
quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227
How do you know you can be a sub?


Your post should have been questioning whether she was referring to subaltern, subeditor, submarine, subscription, substandard..... are you getting me?

So stop picking on the newbies and play fair



(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 10:43:36 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub? How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved. Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?


Please forgive me if this is a repeat of something already said - I haven't read all the responses because I'm in a little bit of a time crunch. I'm supposed to be studying statistics but I had to take a little break because ... well ... it's statistics. Urgh.

Being a sub isn't easy. I don't put others' needs before my own usually (except for the kiddeos, which might explain why I'm no longer married) but I have a deep deep need to submit to someone I can't manipulate. That's a bit of a quandry: I like what I like and I want to do what I want to do, but I know that I'm with the right person when he's fairly immovable and gives me no choices despite how I might protest. (The protests come at the beginning, and although these are "tests" they are not consciously intentional.)

When the infinite bluster of me runs into an immovable object, then I crave to be in the space he designates as mine, even though it is a great pull and tug inside me - I still want what I want but I am inexorably drawn to do as he commands. Then the desire to submit to his commands wins over wishing to have my own way. The chemistry has to be right though - there are some men who could withstand me and my bossy and contrary nature, but our personalities clash instead of mesh, which can turn ugly pretty fast. Two hard head control freaks doing battle is rarely pretty. I know it's confusing but it's the only way I can describe it.

My current Dom and I met years ago, although we weren't involved in a D/s relationship until recently. We met through my work, and I knew he was a piece of work when he dared to put his fingers under my collar and tug at it a bit, saying that it looked like my collar fit well. (My work was vanilla, as far as I knew he was vanilla, but he knew a collar when he saw one.) I was smitten. As it turns out, he's in the field I always wanted to be in and he turned into a mentor and dear friend. Now he's my Sir. ~smiling~ We sort of chose each other. The thing to keep in mind with choosing is go with what seems natural. Just because you're a sub doesn't mean you have to change your personality. On the contrary - if you try to be someone you're not, your other half is in for a rude awakening when you get back to being your "normal" self. Do what comes naturally.

I'm sure many have explained to you that pain isn't always involved. My Sir and I do not have a sexual relationship at this time, but when / if we do there is likely to be no pain involved. He's not a sadist and I'm not a masochist.

I've been asked OFTEN to do things I don't want to do. You learn though, with the right dynamic, that you'll wind up doing whatever it is anyway, no matter how long or how well you protest, so just do it (as long as it's not a hard limit or going to truly harm you in some way) and wrap your head around being thankful for the command. My order for the day, after a lovely day yesterday (we saw The Dark Knight ... omg ... awesome awesome) is to study, although I am allowed to take breaks. ~sigh~ And I've just about used up my break time. ~double sigh~

I hate statistics.

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 11:51:04 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub? How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved. Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

M



I didn't know that i could be a sub. I knew that the thought was completely erotic, and took me out of a voluntary 10 year avoidance of males to looking for one that was dominate. Wow, the things we do in ignorance!
The only way i knew, and still know about picking a master is to talk on line and visit as soon as possible. I wasn't interested in online - i wanted flesh and blood (pun intended) relationships, and meeting would answer any questions about compatibility. Heck, when i started, if they had all their teeth and washed daily, that pretty much met my requirements. Now, after being in a fabulous relationship, i would have to be a bit more picky, because i would want the next relationship to at least equal what i have now.

Pain is part of life. I spent the first year of my Sir and my life together worrying that he was going to die and leave me. Now, i accept that as part of living. Death happens. The way i figure it  people experience pain, and worrying about it doesn't lessen the frequency or quality of that pain. It just makes you miserable until the pain gets to you. In other words - anticipating something that you can't affect or stop isn't effective.  It does nothing to alter the outcome, and decreases the quality of your life.

Now, if you are talking about the physical pain of scening - hell yes, for me, i hope there is always pain. Pain is better than sex!  and yes, i really mean that. I don't feel pain as pleasure, but the place it takes me in my head is wonderful....

so far, Sir hasn't asked me to do anything i didn't want to at least try. I'll give anything a go once. And as a slave/sub i can give my Sir my feedback. If it is something i am not keen on - like nipple piercings - i would and have told him that i don't like the idea.  And so far, he hasn't told me that i have to have them pierced. If he insisted, i would go through with it, but not happily. *grins*

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 1:55:33 PM   
slaveadora


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline 		How do you know you can be anything?  One has to try to find out what they can and can not be.  But at the same time you have to know what you are capable of being.  One does not become a surgeon if they can not stand the sight of blood.  There has to be something about it that speaks to the essence of who you are.
To be honest i have never had to pick a Master so to speak.  This was a lifestyle that Master and i went into together.  A desire that we found we had in common while dating.  Something we were tired of dening ourselves in the relationships we had had prior to.  It worked out nicely that He wanted to dominate while i wanted to be dominated.  i would have to say though, that choosing a Master would be similar to choosing anyone that you are with.  One doesn't date every man (or woman) that comes up to them, they make choices and learn as they go.
You asked if there is always pain involved and candisa gave an answer that well, i fell in love with, that there are always growing pains in any relationship.  And though that isn't the pain of feeling a whip on your back it can still hurt.  i have met people for whom it is the dynamic of submission and dominace that they grave, not the bondage or the pain.  And others still who grave the pain both in giving and reciving.  Personally i lay in the middle...its both that i have a taste for.  :D
If one is never asked to do something that they don't want to do, how does one learn to like new things.  Once the trust has been built one of the most exciting things can be to pushed past your "limits".  It is a matter of timing and trust and working your way there so that it isn't a total shock to your psyche.  Master loves the look on my face when He has pushed a limit and had me do something that i didn't want to do only for me to realize that i do actually love it.  And there are the things that a Master will push you to do that open you up as a person.  For me posting wasn't something that i wanted to do (and it has nothing to with your post, just posting in general).  i am a very shy person and i tend prefer sitting on the sideline observing.  But i know that he is doing something that is good for.  Making me face my fears so to speak.  i use this example only to show that it isn't always something absolutly terrible when you are asked to do something you didn't want to do.  Only that with a loving Master it is often something is actually good for you to, to broaden you and help you to grow.

-adora

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/27/2008 11:46:04 PM   
kikkikat


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub?
I knew I was interested at a very young age.  That said, until my current relationship I was always a switch and often stuck topping from the bottom to get what I wanted.  In the end, I realized I wanted was the other person to be dominant and not just because I directed him how to be. 

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you.
All of the situations I've been in started out much like dating.  Met a guy, got to know him, found out things we had in common, and things eventually progressed. 
We've been in a D/s relationship for 7 years and a boyfriend/girlfriend for 6 1/2.

Is there always pain involved.
No, there isn't.  Sometimes it's just about the idea of submitting.  Sometimes it's about being helpless (I love being tied up or down) and I'm fairly a wimp in the pain department, so it's usually "fairly light pain" if at all. 

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
To certain degrees, yes.  But typically it's not something major, just something that I'd prefer not to do.  For example, I'm a bit OCD and getting dirty really bothers me.  So recently I was asked (told) to crawl across the floor of a wood shop.  I really didn't want to - but at the same time feeling like I wasn't in a position to say no was a turn-on for me.  But in reality, if this was a hardline issue for me I could have put a stop to it. 

 
Hope this all helps clarify things for you.  And I hope you find what you are looking for - whether that's here or not. 
 -Kat 


M


_____________________________

~Kat

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/28/2008 3:53:49 AM   
Allondra


Posts: 68
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline 		Stickin' my nose in here....

Shouldn't the question be "How do you know you *are* a sub?"  And, wouldn't the answer be self-evident (either you are or you aren't, and you're not ever going to become one if you don't have the inclination)?

I used to organize munches and run a local bdsm mailing list where I live, and both were frequented by people who were anything from into bedroom kink only to those in full-time master-slave relationships.  Two common questions I heard over and over were "How do I know if I'm a dominant or a submissive?" and "How can I become a submissive (or dominant)?".  I think that many people looking in from the outside saw our group as one big, happy, accepting family and just wanted to know how they could join in.  They figured they needed to be either a dominant or submissive to do that, and so they asked those questions (and, in asking those questions, proved that they were neither).

If you *are* submissive, I'm pretty sure you already know it.  If you're asking about being a particular person's submissive, that's something else, and you've received lots of good answers to that and the other questions you've asked. 

Good luck to you in your journey!

(in reply to kikkikat)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/28/2008 9:54:09 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		How did i know i was a sub?  I always was i just did not have a lable for it.  Even after i did i fought againest it which was usless it is just my nature. 

I did not pick my Master he contacted me we talked and then when we met i just knew he was the one for me. We chose each other.  Sometimes if its right you just know.

In my relationship the only pain i have recieved is when i was being punished (only once).  My Master is a sensual not sadistic dom.  I usually get play spankings which are more arousing then painful

Master so far has not asked me to do anything i don't want to do.  A previous Dom did and i just did not do it.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Allondra)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/28/2008 11:45:30 AM   
smartalex


Posts: 50
Joined: 5/29/2008
Status: offline 		FR~

How did I know? Same way I knew I was left-handed. All of the attempts to be otherwise were messy and frustrating to everyone involved. The sub self-knowledge took longer, as I was raised as I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR in a very matriarchal family, and any "submission" is equated to "lack of self-respect" by many of my loved ones. That cultural bias is harder to overcome than someone handing the pencil to your right hand.

Who picks? I believe the picking is mutual. My picking him wouldn't have mattered if he had not also picked me, and vice versa. I once called my submission a gift, not realizing that there was a whole fantasy built around that phrase. I just meant that it was not automatic, I could give anyone respect on first meeting--as I do in real life--but that submission was important and special, and I wouldn't be doling it out to anyone who could hold down the shift-key as they typed D. Likewise, I consider someone's dominance or mastery to be a gift--and hope they don't just toss it around to anyone who can overcome their English grammar training and not cap their i. (Obviously I have issues with that, lol.)

Is there always pain involved? Yes and no. When you open yourself to be vulnerable, either emotionally or physically, you take that risk. I'm not a masochist, but even the vanillas have the concept of "good pain"--of course, that's usually in terms of exercise, but I can see the good pain aspect of a spanking much more easily than in a long run. That's something that should be discussed in the picking process.

Have I been asked to do something I didn't want to do? In every relationship I've ever been in, even the most vanilla, I've had to compromise. In my current relationship, it's clear whose will is dominant. (As a sub, that's nice & comfy.) One time he did something that I had a very gut reaction & rejection of. Not so much a hard limit but something with a high ick factor. I complied in the moment, and then told him how uncomfortable I was. The next time we were together, he asked me to do it again. I should have caught on, because the first time I wasn't asked. I complied, but I'm sure my body language expressed my reluctance. He ended up not doing it, but it was a test of my submission. I passed, and the benefits were amazing. In the big picture, pleasing him is what I want to do. So the individual things that make up pleasing him all contain that, at least in part.

Sorry, I get too long winded.

(in reply to subsfaith)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/28/2008 12:12:00 PM   
OnlyHisLovebug


Posts: 56
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline 		How do you know you can be a sub?
It was more something I discovered, than something I became.  I did not evolve into a submissive- more that when I stumbled upon BDSM and D/s I had an "Aha!" moment, and was able to put a name to something I'd always been.   

How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you?
Master and I really just sort of 'happened'.  There was no picking involved.  Neither of us were actually looking- and the timing was actually really inconvenient *L*.  We met through a mutual friend; and we became friends almost immediately.  From there, the bond just grew and expanded- beyond anything either of us could have imagined.   

Is there always pain involved?
For me?  Nope.  Some sensual pain, sometimes...and emotional pain when circumstances keep us apart.  My Master is not very sadistic, so pain is not all that big a part of His repertoire. 

Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?
I have been asked to do things that take me out of my comfort zone; but not something that I truly don't want to do.  Then again, that might be because I take such great pleasure from seeing Him satisfied, that His wants have become mine over time as well.

< Message edited by OnlyHisLovebug -- 7/28/2008 12:13:06 PM >

_____________________________

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. ~Michel de Montaigne

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/29/2008 6:53:13 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		what are youre fantasies - long before i knew anything about titles and roles, long before i ever found any of this out on the internet id already worked out the kind of man i was attracted to.  by 21 id had my first D/s relationship, only i had no idea that was what it was called or that the dynamic of Dom/sub was at play.

what im trying to say is this.., its something thats inside you, its what has brought you here - i think that sometimes subs question their subbyness because it isnt always so easy to find a D that inspires them to submit fully, wholly.  a D type can walk up and really put your back up with his attitude and approach.  to tell them to take a walk isnt being unsubby, its just following your gut.

when you find your D youll know.

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to OnlyHisLovebug)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/29/2008 10:13:57 AM   
sondraD


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub? How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved. Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

M


Hello michelle,
 
I knew I was submissive when the only relationships that worked for me were ones where the Man had control.  It was not something I became, it was just something I was.
 
As I have stated in a previous posting, we picked each other.  You will know you are with the right man when you meet him.
 
No, there is not always pain involved. Every relationship is different and unique.  There is no 'rules' that everyone follows.
 
I am often asked to do things that I do not want to do.  Funny thing though, when He tells me to do something, and I do it, there is this awesome feeling of surrender.  Sweet!
 


(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 7/29/2008 11:39:16 AM   
sillyslaveboy


Posts: 169
Joined: 7/28/2008
Status: offline
quote:

How do you know you can be a sub?

i am feeling the sub-drive from my very early age, even before the very first sexual thoughts. <non-adult-stuff-talk filter turned on> But i never have thought of it as a 'can' but a 'want'. i want to submit and i feel in place when i do so. i do not need any further proof of my desires.

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 8/3/2008 11:46:47 AM   
shiazn03


Posts: 90
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		i don't know how i know i'm a sub.  it's just something i know that i am, not "can be."

i think choosing a Master/Mistress is a two way street.  both of you must feel the same connection in order for the relationship to last or even remotely work out.  personally, i submit to a Master when i feel that connection between U/us.

no, pain doesn't neccessarily have to be involved.  i think this is decided between you and your Master/Mistress.

yes, i've been asked to do something i thought i couldn't do.  and it meant alot to Him when i did do it for His happiness. 

peace out, all!

(in reply to subsfaith)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 8/13/2008 6:17:23 AM   
manwholuvs


Posts: 30
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline 		Candisa you are wise and understand the subtleties quite well.  So much of what is involved is observed in actions and behaviors not in mere words or statements.  As some have said does someone walk the talk.

_____________________________

Respectfully
Manwholuvs

(in reply to candisa)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How do you know that you can be a sub - 8/13/2008 3:48:26 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michelle1227

How do you know you can be a sub? How do you know how to pick a master or do you wait for them to pick you. Is there always pain involved. Have you ever been asked to do something that you don't want to do?

M


I know I can be someone's sub..more specifically their slave, because they inspire me. When I meet him I realize I'm attracted to him, he's smart, funny, dominant in personality, confident, honest and all the other qualities I find I want in a man and those qualities make me in awe of him. Those qualities make me want to kneel in his presence and be all for him that I can because I know he's a good man.

I choose who to be my Master for the reasons  I just wrote. He chooses me for his own reasons. It's a mutual agreement that we want to be with each other.

This isn't any different than the way any people on the  planet choose their partners unless you're in an arranged situation and that..well that's another story.

Pain is a part of life so yes there's always pain involved. If you're talking bdsm pain...well then, no. That depends on the type of man you want for a partner. I happen to like sadists so yes pain is always involved for me.

And I'm always doing things I don't want to do because in the type of relationships I get involved in I'm his slave. I do what he tells me to do..whether I like it or not. Not your cup of tea? Then don't be a slave, don't get involved with men who want a slave. Find a man who wants the same things you do.

Just remember there's no secret to this. It's all based upon compatibility and mutual interests.

(in reply to michelle1227)
Profile   Post #: 35
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: How do you know that you can be a sub Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078