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Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 12:49:07 AM

cuddlesandabuse

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline

I am a pretty nurturing and sweet Domme, and find many that florish under my care.......
and I look down on many women who chose to be manipulative

Tonight, I was talking to a very needy boy, who has asked my advice in the past and agreeded with me and my reasoning and has chosen against my advice more then once. As it is his family and career issues I would prefer to stay out of it. Although I know I would deal with it all firmly and almost brutal I treasure the caring and honor code also leaves him obligated to these bad choices.

Tonight I put my foot down and told him that if he took a job offer I would understand but wouldn't speak to him again. Am I being to much of a bitch? Is there another way to set limits he might respect? If he takes the job he will need more of my time and energy with out being able to meet my needs.......... So in some ways I feel justified. But who am I to threaten the old fashioned "and i'll never talk to you again" It seems so........

Post #: 1

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 4:36:50 AM

Allondra

Posts: 68
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline

I find your writing style a little difficult to understand, so forgive me if I'm getting this wrong. You were talking to someone who doesn't take your advice, which you offer him in spite of the fact that you want to "stay out of it"? He's obligated to make bad choices by some honour code? And you've threatened not to talk to him again if he takes a particular job?

I find the whole situation a bit mystifying. If you're not getting what you want from him, and think he's disobedient, why not just drop your relationship with him? I don't understand why you put up with him. If you'd rather stay out of his family and career issues, just stay out of them. In any case, since you've told him you won't talk to him again if he takes that job, *don't*. Who are you to threaten him? I dunno. You don't make your relationship particularly clear; it doesn't sound like you're his dominant, just an adviser.

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 2

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 4:39:34 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Your telling someone not to take a job. To be a leach and a bum. LMAO you look down on women who are manipulative?

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 3

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 4:46:38 AM

housesub4you

Posts: 1879
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

This is one dam confusing post. You should go into politics, I have no idea what you are trying to say.

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 4

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 4:57:13 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I am someone who likes to give advice as well, and I can understand the frustration when you see someone making a bad choice, but you have to learn to protect yourself in these situations. If another's bad decision is going to impact you, then that's when you must take a stand. Now in this situation it's a little murky as to whether he has a clear understanding of your expectations of him with regard to being attentive to you. If that is the case then instead of stating that "if you take X job, I won't ever speak to you again", you can ask him "If you take X job, how will you meet your obligations to me?" He may assure you that the job will not interefere, and if that's the case, only time will tell. But you will have to make it clear, that if it DOES impact those obligations, then you will have to move on. As much as we try to protect others from their own bad decisions, we can never do that completely. People have to learn from making mistakes. It's just the way we are built.

Now you also need to be very clear with yourself as to why you are taking this stand with him. Is it because you really feel this is a bad decision for him? That it will somehow hurt him or cause him stress that he can't handle? Or is it because it takes him away from you? When people are young (actually at any age) and working on making a career for themselves, sometimes they have to make sacrifices to succeed and get ahead. If you are taking this stand to get what you want, to his ultimate detriment, then yes, that's manipulation. So which is it?

(in reply to Allondra)

Post #: 5

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 5:57:17 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddlesandabuse

I am a pretty nurturing and sweet Domme, and find many that florish under my care.......
and I look down on many women who chose to be manipulative

Tonight, I was talking to a very needy boy, who has asked my advice in the past and agreeded with me and my reasoning and has chosen against my advice more then once. As it is his family and career issues I would prefer to stay out of it. Although I know I would deal with it all firmly and almost brutal I treasure the caring and honor code also leaves him obligated to these bad choices.

Tonight I put my foot down and told him that if he took a job offer I would understand but wouldn't speak to him again. Am I being to much of a bitch? Is there another way to set limits he might respect? If he takes the job he will need more of my time and energy with out being able to meet my needs.......... So in some ways I feel justified. But who am I to threaten the old fashioned "and i'll never talk to you again" It seems so........

Sounds like your being as manipulative as the women you look down on. Not wanting someone to take a job because they will not have time to meet your needs is just selfish. Unless of course you are willing to support him and provide the same health coverage as the job he turns down.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 6

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 7:43:30 AM

cuddlesandabuse

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline

Thishereboi you hit exactly on my fear to daubble too much in a boys life.

I do not support him, I do not live with him, and yes I do not even own him Allondra. I do take my role as a gentle guide seriously.

I know that while working at this job previously he has debated suicide. I know that this job also offers him more money then I could ever hope for and would help him build his personal nest egg.

There are pros and cons to everything, which is why I have not previously taken offence that he doesn't live his life how I would.

Thank you TNstepsout for helping me think maybe the core idea isn't what needs to be fixed by my approach to it, I will think that over.

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 7

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 10:07:33 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddlesandabuse
I do take my role as a gentle guide seriously.

Telling someone "take that job and i'll never talk to you again" doesn't sound like a "gentle guide." jmo

quote:

I know that while working at this job previously he has debated suicide.

At some point, ppl need to be responsible for their own choices... especially after they've heard the advice of others.

_____________________________

normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 8

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/30/2008 11:18:10 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

The title of this thread is control v powertrip. I am not sure I see either here. He hasn't given you control or power and although it sounds like you are trying to grab at some power by way of controling whether he takes a job, most likely not good for him... there is still no control or power. This man sounds unhealthy for himself and it sounds like he needs someone to cry to and seeks advice for selfish reasons rather than actually trying to do his emotional homework and do what he needs to do.

It sounds like you have enabled him and are now taking a stand and you should. When someone else's actions influence our life and the amount of drama there, there is only one thing to do if they do not get a hold of themselves. You exit. I am not sure if you used the actual words... if you take this job, I will never speak to you again... or not... but had you... it sounds more like anger and frustration than guidence/advice or dominance I would see as healthy dominance.

There will be people we may try to advise and wish to guide or help, but if they are their own worst enemy... what can you do? Your role in their life means little, except someone to come to when they get lonely or lost and need to waste someone's time rather than fix their life. Life is too important to waste... I would be down the road real fast.

_____________________________

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(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 9

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 11:58:09 AM

Steponme73

Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

I guess I kind of have to go along with Lockit...where is the control vs powertrip in this thread. It sounds like to me that you gave him "your opinion", which he asked for and then disregarded it. That is fine. But I would still like to see the control or powertrip idea explored.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 10

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 12:09:07 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

I would advise him that you will scale back support for him, as his choices will leave you no alternative.

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 11

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 3:24:43 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

I'm not entirely sure what your relationship with him is. You say if he takes this job, he's not fulfilling his obligations to you. What obligations are those exactly? Why would a lack of contact with you be such a big deal to him?

The way I see it, you don't want him to take the job because you know it will cause him pain and he'll come right back whining to you about it. I have many friends who do this, frequently make terrible decisions. I'll eventually get to the point where I'll tell them, "You're not taking my advice, and I understand that. It's your life. However, please don't come whining to me when ******* screws you over again." And then I absolutely put my foot down...blocking IMs if they start to whine, hanging up phone conversations, leaving a physical conversation. Eventually they get the point that I'm not their therapist, and I'm not willing to suffer for their bad decisions.

But then, I don't play domina and meddle in peoples' lives where I'm apparantly not wanted to meddle.

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 12

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 5:57:52 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

<QR>

Without knowing what job this is, I cannot say if you're being selfish to have such extreme views against it. Personally, I have a need for money. Money would enable me to be happy (I'm not saying I can't be happy without money, but what I love to do most is best suited by being rich. Imagine a fun, whacky billionaire.)

"... I'll never talk to you again." is relational aggression. It's very similar to assault, in the way the 'victim' feels. You put him between a rock and a hard place. "The thing my family, friends, self, and world want" or "What the woman I idolize wants." You have a man swirling around your fingers who wants to make something of himself. Don't make his life more difficult, make it easier.

If the mystery occupation means less communication/contact time with you, and he doesn't mind, it means he doesn't care about seeing you more than the job. If this is the case, you shouldn't want him in your life that badly either. Relationships take two.

Your tone is riddled with insecurity about your choice, and rightfully so. Apologize for being such a bitch (which answers one of your questions) and do a pro/contra analysis of the job. Be open, honest, and objective.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 13

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 6:56:05 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It took a few other people to reply for Me to make heads or tails of any of this. It didn't make sense to Me the way it was written either. I've been guilty of that a time or two Myself.

Honestly, I agree with some of the other folks. You don't have any power as an 'adviser'. You gave the advise, and the person in question isn't taking it. The "if you don't take the advise I'm never speaking to you again" thing is absolutely manipulative, and not a tactic I would have used. It's not like you're talking about a sub that belongs to you who is not obeying a command. I might go so far as to say that if My advice was refused, I wouldn't be willing to discuss the same topic (i.e., the job) with that person anymore. I generally don't cut people out of My life because they don't agree with an opinion I might have or chose not to follow advice I give.

If the job is going to interfere in his service to you, then you're letting him go because he doesn't meet your needs. I think that is something different, but I'm more the type to realize that circumstances change sometimes.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 14

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 9:25:08 PM

DominaSusan

Posts: 75
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

Ya-know, I think some ppl get confused and think that being a Domina means that they need to control every aspect of their submissive’s lives. Subs are not puppets and what fun would it be if they were. It’s not clear from your post if this is your sub or a friend or what. But anyway, it’s a JOB and unless this job poses great mortal or mental harm, seems like he heard you and decided otherwise. You may feel it’s a poor choice but it is his choice.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: Control v powertrip - 7/31/2008 9:47:28 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Damn dudette, this is neither control nor power.

If you had the power he would do as you desire
If you had the control you wouldn't be asking us, it would be a fait accompli.

For me, and this is just for me, when it comes to things like money, jobs, serious life stuff, I am very wary of giving advice in such areas.
In most relationships its simply not part of my role.
If I am in a bound relationship, then whether I say such things is something that should have been defined in the creation of parameters.
Its a pretty big deal once you start letting into how people make a living.
I tend to be very careful about how I handle such responsibilities.
I rarely get into money matters unless she is a collared.
To ask such a thing of someone whiom I haven't committed to as deeply seems wrong
But one thing,
If we are in a relationship where it is understood that submission will include such things as this, then I would expect obedience.
My questions are two:
1-Why bother giving advice to someone who doesn't follow it?
2-Why be in a dominant relationship with a submissive who doesn't listen?
When they get to pick and choose, its something, but its not the submission I choose to have practiced by those in my life

(in reply to DominaSusan)

Post #: 16

RE: Control v powertrip - 8/1/2008 8:47:22 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Take the job, boy, now!

(in reply to cuddlesandabuse)

Post #: 17

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