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elleelisa -> RE: Confused about what I "am" exactly (8/3/2008 2:02:10 PM)
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quote:
elleelisa, I identify 100% with how you feel. I am single, work a full-time job, take care of lots of pets (animal rescue work), and own my own home. Everything is up to me. My daily life requires me to make all of the decisions, do all of the work, and rely only on myself. Yet the idea of having a man under my shoe begging to please me makes my stomach turn (no offense to you male subs or female Dommes!!).
I think the hardest thing for me so far has been that many Doms want/expect a "service" submissive. That title, to me, means one who keeps the house clean, prepares his dinner, his bath, etc., and just generally makes his life more comfortable by providing domestic service. I think it's also referred to as "1950's Household." At least, that's what I take it for.
But for someone who has a good-paying job, her own home, and who has established her own way of life at the age of 41, the service part of submission sometimes just isn't feasible. Regardless of how much I want to please a Dominant, there just isn't enough time or energy left for that kind of submission at the end of the day.
And yet...as someone who labels herself as a submissive, I WANT to please. I WANT to make my Dom feel safe, secure, comforted, and loved. I WANT to please him by keeping the house in order, running his bath, or massaging his feet. I WANT to let everything go and let him take complete control over what I say and do. But dammit, at the end of the day, I'm tired, sometimes cranky, and want someone to rub MY feet! What kind of submission is there in that? That's where I falter. Am I submissive in reality, or is it just the thought that makes my heart race?
The sad truth is that being an independent, self-sufficient person AND a submissive can be a difficult balancing act in the real world. So yes, I identify with you completely, and I hope that you are able to find that perfect balance between what you must do (work, pay bills, etc.) and what you want to do, which is to hand yourself over to a strong, capable, loving, Dominant man.
Haha, okay this describes me to a T-- every single thing you wrote I completely agree with and have experienced.
I'm a full-time college student with an average of 22 units on her plate/quarter; I'm a musician who needs to practice appx. 2 hours/day; I work TWO jobs; I have friendships and hobbies; I'm preparing to audition for grad school, etc.....
There's no way I could be a 24/7 slave, even if the idea makes my heart melt, and there's no way I could just blow off everything in my life that's already established (see the above) so how am I supposed to do it? I AM submissive, but being submissive with respect to all my other obligations leaves me wondering if I could ever satisfy a Master the way he would need to be.
Also, I wonder if I would be satisfied being someone's sub because I also have needs and constraints (not literal ones, hehe) For example, I was once talking to this Dom on the phone for a period of time, and he would call me at night and want me to obey his commands via phone, and I didn't want to disspoint so I did it, but I kept thinking, "Dude... I have to finish analyzing a concerto, wake up at 6am and perform an aria at 9. I can't be on the phone with you for 3 hours masterbating."
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