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Mercnbeth -> No Worries....Smile! (11/17/2005 9:46:14 AM)
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
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New Sex Study...
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
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Mr. Jones, a business man, was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day, and decided to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. He arrived at the course, and asked the pro if he could get on the course alone.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 20 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said Mr. Jones, "But what's the relevance, since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us and your caddy to know," said the pro, who then called over a caddy.
"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
Mr. Jones was very surprised at this apparent focus on his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, Mr. Jones pulled his ball into the trees. He found his ball, and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle, and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a double bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the
businessman's ball faded right into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball to take a drop, Mr. Jones heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. Mr. Jones's ball stopped just short of the edge of the water. To take a shot, he actually had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water, and bit off much of his left leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle still propped at his side, looking on without concern.
"Why didn't you kill it?" shouted Mr. Jones incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."
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