RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (Full Version)

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ElanSubdued -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/2/2008 10:57:49 AM)

iwantdeepdaddy,

I forgot to mention something in my initial post.  Trust your inner voice.  If your inner voice is telling you something isn't quite right and to be cautious, no matter how much your loins say "yes", trust your inner voice!  In terms of BDSM partners, whenever I've gone against my inner voice, this has always gotten me into trouble.  Honesty, trust, kindness, compassion, ability and willingness to communicate and listen:  these are critically important attributes to look for in a BDSM partner.  You'll know when you've met someone who you feel chemistry with and who you feel safe with.

Mercnbeth gave such excellent advice that I'm going to quote his entire post.  He pretty much detailed and summed up what I'm talking about here.

quote:

Mercnbeth:
In your situation there is only one limit I'd make 'hard'. Limit your trust. Make sure anyone you meet earns it before you give it. Have limitless expectations, limitless goals, limitless desires for sensation; just don't trust that people you meet have your safety and well being in mind when they say they will help you explore them.

Ideally find someone who either has the experience, connections, and ability to take you to see as much as possible. If they don't have that experience be sure that they share your curiosity and have the confidence to disclose their limitations. Make sure they can share a laugh with you when they make a mistake or try something with you that doesn't go exactly as planned.

Something else to keep in mind. The reasons that limits and/or preferences change is that they are rarely isolated. Most evolve within the person and consider the relationship partners. What is a hard limit within one relationship could become a daily occurrence in another. Once again, it comes down to trust.

Within my relationship, my partner beth expresses that she has no limits about what she will do for me and what I can do to her. she can only represent that because she knows me and is confident in her trust that my limits protect us both. Strive for that broad brush approach to 'limits' and the small details will take care of themselves.


Elan.



iwantdeepdaddy -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/4/2008 8:14:53 AM)

Everyone here has been so nice in talking about this. It has cleared up a lot of things for me and gave me some perspective.
Thanks everyone so much!



graceadieu -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/5/2008 11:42:42 AM)

Another tactic is to think about some things you'd like to try, rather than all the things you don't or aren't sure of, and look for a friend/mentor/play partner you can explore them with.



mmsprecious -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/5/2008 12:15:05 PM)

one thing is that while fun, this can be a lot of work. both emotional and physical depending on your Top/Dom. as you experience more, you will not only discover you may be willing to do things for your Dom/Master that you didn't think you would be willing to do, but that your relationship with Him can help uncover many things inside yourself you may not know existed! it IS fun! i hope you find yourself in this lifestyle and have fun doing so.

Master Mike's precious



AllietheKitten -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/7/2008 2:02:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

Another tactic is to think about some things you'd like to try, rather than all the things you don't or aren't sure of, and look for a friend/mentor/play partner you can explore them with.


I totally agree with this. Sometimes its better when you are playing with someone and the pressure is off to "please". I had both a Dom and sub mentor for awhile and it was great to have them both to talk to, ask questions, play with and just gain some experience.

A lot of things sound very *hot* online and in your head. Some of these are not so hot when they are actually done to you. The only way you know if by doing them but you have to trust yourself and not be afraid to speak up. As F*cked up as it is, if you don't speak up, you will probably end of blaming the Dom for not noticing or pushing you into something you weren't comfortable with and the relationship will be doomed. It is imperative that you speak up often and TRUST YOURSELF.



compassionatedad -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/7/2008 7:48:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwantdeepdaddy

I appreciate all responses so far. I am confused though. Aren't slaves not supposed to have limits? Or is it just submissives? How do I know what the difference is. I am not owned but I want to be and everyone I talk to seems to have a different idea of what is what. I just want to have fun. All these rules are a lot to take in.


I have a few thoughts for you:

1) If you don't know exactly what your limits are, maybe you should not pursue being a slave just yet.  It will probably lead to an unpleasant situation where expectations and reality collide for both the Dom and the slave.  Instead pursue a Dom/sub relationship with the intention of leading to eventual ownership.  The right Dom will see the diamond in the rough and be willing to lead you down an enjoyable path.

2) I firmly believe that even in a TPE relationship, the power cannot be surrendered unless the Dom has the trust of the slave to watch out for the slaves well being.  I would never expect this upon first meeting and cannot fathom how this can occur in a relationship after only a brief on-line encounter. 

3) Lastly, the right Master for you will understand your inexperience and will be willing to take the time to for you to explore the limits of your own submissiveness at your own pace.  This is what a safe-word is for and slow-down, speed-up words are for.  Again, many will tell you this is not an appropriate privilege for a slave to have.  All the better that you approach the D/s relationship a slight bit slower.

Tim



Ialdabaoth -> RE: How do you set limits and boundries if you don't know what they are? (8/8/2008 2:34:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: compassionatedad
1) If you don't know exactly what your limits are, maybe you should not pursue being a slave just yet.


I respectfully disagree; sometimes the best way to learn is to dive in. However, you're right about expectations - the best thing you can do, when trying to learn your limits, is to acknowledge that you don't know what they are and then push through anyways. Once you find something that MIGHT be a limit, push through it - if you can't, figure out why. Eventually you'll understand what you are and aren't capable of handling. But just because something is unpleasant, or difficult, or frightening, is no reason to abandon its pursuit. Do as thou wilt.

quote:

2) I firmly believe that even in a TPE relationship, the power cannot be surrendered unless the Dom has the trust of the slave to watch out for the slaves well being.  I would never expect this upon first meeting and cannot fathom how this can occur in a relationship after only a brief on-line encounter.


Perhaps because people, in genral, have forgotten how to invoke 'agape'? It is possible, even easy, to integrate someone's well-being into your own even in the first few moments of meeting. You may not know how to protect that well-being, but that's what communication is for - and if you desire it, both parties can quickly establish trust through simple dialog.

quote:

3) Lastly, the right Master for you will understand your inexperience and will be willing to take the time to for you to explore the limits of your own submissiveness at your own pace.  This is what a safe-word is for and slow-down, speed-up words are for.


Here is deep wisdom. A slave is a rare commodity, and a good Master will understand its value. Anyone who doesn't is doing themselves a disservice.

quote:

Again, many will tell you this is not an appropriate privilege for a slave to have.
 

And they are welcome to their methods, and sometimes those methods work. But you're right; said methods may not be appropriate for someone this new.

quote:

All the better that you approach the D/s relationship a slight bit slower.


Or at the very least rush in with eyes open.



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