How does a newbie know whether there nature is more bottom than sub?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> How does a newbie know whether there nature is more bottom than sub?

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How does a newbie know whether there nature is more bot... - 8/3/2008 11:23:49 AM

Untouched1282

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How should one go about finding out? Do you think most bottoms are actually subs, or just passive lovers who want to be used? If you've dealt with this issue in your past experiences, would you suggest a sub do to find out?

Obviously no two stories are the same, so tell me what you think.

Sorry, just a few random questions I've delevloped after nosing around the Internet all weekend :P

I need a life hehe

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 11:42:11 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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The best thing I can suggest is that you get out and meet some folks, bottom to someone (or a couple of someones) that you trust, and see what happens. Each person and experience are completely unique moments in time and won't be duplicated except in the most general terms by someone else's experience.

I enjoy playing with both bottoms and servants. Bottoms are people that I only scene with -- which for me means typically hardcore flogging, fire, or blood. Some of these folks don't want things that go beyond the scene. They just want to enjoy the sensations, without any real exchange dynamic except that I can wield the blood-tools and they get to experience the sensations. These folks are typically deep masochists and their scenes with me serve pretty much the same purpose as my own forays into receiving tattoos and piercing... it takes me into another headspace, so I like it.

Some people who like to bottom also like to submit. Some of these would rather submit and serve than bottom -- they don't see themselves as masochists at all... Not all of the people who want to bottom want to submit, and vice versa. The only way to find out whether you're a bottom who is submissive as well, or a submissive who really would rather just serve and not bottom, or something else entirely, is to find the thing that calls to you first, and then ease your way into exploring the other pieces.

CFB

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 12:03:15 PM

DiurnalVampire

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From: Nashville, TN
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Honestly, there isnt a decision to make there. You arent going to be bottom or sub with everyone. Some you will just wish to bottom to. Others might inspire actual submission from you. It isnt a concrete "nature" necessarily. It might be somthing that changes from person to person.

DV

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 12:23:31 PM

TexasMaam

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The only way to 'find out' is through experience. There is a huge disparity between real time and online fantasy. Many times the real experience falls far short of the subs expectations, other times with other activities the experience outshines the dreams. You can't 'know' until you grow.

TM

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 12:59:46 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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I bottomed for years and called it being submissive, then i met the one woman who truly made me feel submissive and naturally accepting of Her authority. It wasn't a decision, it was instinct. This is not to say that it came easy, it's very hard to face that you've been living an illusion and even harder to accept that everything in you is screaming that you release everything you are to another person.

It may not work out that way for you, the best advise i can give you is to toss away any preconcieved notions of yourself and what the words "bottom" and "submissive" really mean. Then you go out into the real world of naughty people who love to do naughty things, meet and talk and play and talk and think and just get to know people. I don't mean that you should meet dominant women, but try to get to know people from every bit of the spectrum; get to know all these different people's perspectives and take what works for you, leaving behind what doesn't. Make your own label and define it, be yourself; if you are open and go about it all with a touch of good common sense, you'll be a step ahead of the pack when it comes to finding that special someone who is looking for whatever it is you decide that you are.

Go in love in peace,

the Imp's pet
darchChylde

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 3:50:24 PM

MamaDomme1

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You've got quite a few "friends" listed on your profile, unfortunately none of them are local to you. Get offline and out into the community. Cinci has a decent sized community, get out to the munches and events to meet some people that you can experiment with. You really won't know *what* you are until you try it in real life.

And like Darch said-- you may just be a bottom until the right one comes along and then, Wham- you are a submissive, or even a slave.

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 3:51:51 PM

thetammyjo

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I'm not a submissive but how I use the words reflects motivation.

A bottom is motived by him/herself. The focus in on self -- getting pleasure, enduring a sensation, being the center of attention for a limited period of time.

A submissive is motivated by being directed, by not being the center of attention, and the desire for direction from another person, for a limited period of time.

One way I've helped people figure this out is through journaling what you feel like immediately after a scene and then the next day and again the following day. It takes time because often our own motivations may be mysterious because they are not conscious.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 8/3/2008 4:08:04 PM >

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 4:01:34 PM

Missokyst

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I feel like everyone who is inclined to be a bottom or submissive, or masochistic, is generally a bottom... UNTIL someone comes along and inspires more from them. I am submissive only when a guy comes along that makes me feel there is no other choice. But until then, whats wrong with just enjoying the sensations of being a bottom?
Kyst

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 4:07:31 PM

LPslittleclip

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when i started i was just interested in the play, when i met the Dominant who bestowed her collar on me i was not looking for a poly family either. you will never know until you go to the local and mabby not so local events and meet them real time. be polite and respectfully when approaching them ask questions and be open minded.

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 4:17:29 PM

YourhandMyAss

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From: Sacramento
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NO. I firmly do not believe all bottoms are subs. I am a bottom myself and I personally have NO absolutely NONE desire to advertise as a submissive . And I don't think being a bottom means I am a passive lover who just wants to be used either. I am about as far from passive when it comes to sex and my desires and what I am looking for as a orange is about as far from being a grape is.

And as clichey as this may sound I recomend finding out, by learning about yourself about the lifestyle and getting out there and actively participating and getting hands on experince.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282

How should one go about finding out? Do you think most bottoms are actually subs, or just passive lovers who want to be used? If you've dealt with this issue in your past experiences, would you suggest a sub do to find out?

Obviously no two stories are the same, so tell me what you think.

Sorry, just a few random questions I've delevloped after nosing around the Internet all weekend :P

I need a life hehe

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 8/3/2008 4:26:53 PM >

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 4:23:23 PM

YourhandMyAss

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The definition you used forb ottom fits me perfectly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I'm not a submissive but how I use the words reflects motivation.

A bottom is motived by him/herself. The focus in on self -- getting pleasure, enduring a sensation, being the center of attention for a limited period of time.

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 5:37:14 PM

HarryVanWinkle

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Untouched1282
How should one go about finding out? Do you think most bottoms are actually subs, or just passive lovers who want to be used? If you've dealt with this issue in your past experiences, would you suggest a sub do to find out?

Obviously no two stories are the same, so tell me what you think.

Sorry, just a few random questions I've delevloped after nosing around the Internet all weekend :P

I need a life hehe

This reminds me of an old "Shoe" comic strip. The kid, Skylar is asking his uncle Cosmo, "Uncle Cosmo, how is it that you always know the right thing to do, that you always know the right decision to make?"

Uncle Cosmo responds, "That, my boy, comes from experience."

Skylar asks, "How do you get the experience?"

Uncle Cosmo answers, "By making the wrong decisions."

My point here being, there is no magic bullet, no one size fits all test that can answer this question for you. And, no matter how experienced you might think you are with so called, "online submission," it won't do it. "Online submission" is nothing more than masturbation role play.

The only answer is to get out from behind your computer, put down all the books, and get involved in the real life community. Meet people in the flesh. Submit. Bottom. Play. Have fun. Get your heart broken. Eventually, you'll know the answer.

Edited to add: My answer was written before reading the rest of the thread or your profile. I'm glad to see that I'm in agreement with just about all other responders.

< Message edited by HarryVanWinkle -- 8/3/2008 5:40:51 PM >

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 8:44:30 PM

jim64

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All just "terms" of the lifestyle. As already said, "You will find your own way".

Relax and enjoy!

jim the idiot

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RE: How does a newbie know whether there nature is more... - 8/3/2008 9:26:49 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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Some things simply must be experienced. You can conduct a butt load (very technical term, mind you) of research, but until you go and try, it probably won't be very clear.

Master Fire

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