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softpjOS -> autopilot (8/3/2008 9:27:23 PM)
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*disclaimer first* i am quite happy with Mistress and our relationship. this post is about me, my headspace, my focus, my self doubts and questions about the service i provide. lol yup, it's all about *me* [:D]
With that said, i've been living more or less the 24/7 dream many of us wish for, for almost 4 years. No, i do not live with Her, however i may as well lol. I'm there as often as i am at my own home. Since i've moved here, we've blended our families and are quite happy with the way our lives are going.
However. There's always that one tiny little thing that just has to creep up from time to time just to stir the bucket. And that tiny little thing is my brain. lol.
Mistress is a very independant person. Doesn't like anyone doing anything for Her. Has taken me the duration of my time here to get Her to allow me to do many things for Her. Reading posts here, that isn't a terribly odd thing for Dominants :) The walls have come down, and She has learned to not only accept but expect me to do for Her. This is a good thing! I love seeing to Her needs in all ways; be it laundry, cleaning, errands, caring for those in Her household or any of Her fetish/kinks/play..... yea, i'm a jack of all trades in that regard [:D] and love every moment of it.
The "problem" comes, as does in *vanilla* relationships, when people get comfortable, the age old "relationship rut". But in this case, i'm the only one feeling it. Many of the things i do for her have become "automatic responses" or done on "auto pilot" meaning i simply do not think about them.. i just *do*. She on the other hand, being so terribly independant... still has the lingering "I don't LET people do for Me" so She still sees each and every little thing i do and is happy to be able to "let go" and accept my service.
The last thing i wish to do is ask Her for more. I don't want to put pressure on Her to *notice* or *pay attention* to more "assigned tasks". She's busy enough.
Now i'm in no way trying to say that i never mess up. Furthest thing from the truth! But She is One that sees the big picture and not just that She had to get Her own beverage (an example). So most often when i do *mess up* punishment is not deemed necessary by Her. She sees why something wasn't done and understands, while i'm over there juggling dinner and a telephone call that had to be made but still kicking myself in the tush for not seeing Her glass was empty. Yea, a bit of a perfectionist, working on that!
This is so not about finding time to scene, or even about our relationship perse.. it's me and my headspace that gets clouded here and there. I do talk to Her about it, and we discuss other things/tasks/rituals...blah blah blah but that just doesn't seem like the most realistic answer for our busy lives. It's more a matter of getting through my thick skull that yes, i am serving Her needs every day and that even if it seems like a "normal every day thing" it is in fact service that is most appreciated by Her. It's not that i have a preset list of things that i do, daily life dictates what i may or may not do for Her on any given day. I'm very flexible on the things I am willing to take on. lol one afternoon i *stole her car* and brought it home to detail it while She was napping. (left Her mine with a note.. i'm not entirely crazy!!)
So my question would be:
Do other subs/slaves ever feel like the service they are providing has become an automatic thing that they don't even think about? Do you feel different about a task after you've been doing it for a long time? Do you need *more* as time goes on?
Hoping this made a shred of sense.. if not, i'm ready to clarify if needed :)
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