It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave

It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:24:34 AM)
If you are with a broken person, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can fix them. It's a terrible responsibility to put on yourself. It's a terrible responsibility to expect someone to take on for you. If you are broken, only you can fix you. Yes, you may need to reach out to others for help and support...but the ultimate responsibility is on you. In power exchange relationships we sometimes view our responsibility to our partners at an even higher level. I have heard so many dominant/Masters express that they are responsible for their sub/slaves. I have seen so many sub/slaves who place the responsibility for their partners happiness or well being on their own shoulders. While we do indeed have a responsibilty TO each other, we are not responsible FOR each other. It's easy to get caught up in that trap, especially when it is someone that we love. Especially when we have that component of our own personalities that wants to be helpful, to be needed. I know, I've been there and done it myself. Even when rationally I knew better. We buried my ex Master this weekend. He hung himself last Thursday. His demons ended up the victor. I feel like I've been gutted. For 16 years he has been such a huge part of my life. Our relationship officially changed from that of a couple to one of best of friends 5 years ago but that didn't change how much we meant to each other. He was my family. He was an alcoholic who enjoyed some very extended periods of sobriety. For the first 8 years of our relationship he was sober and life was amazing. Then came the crash. Three more years of profound devastation. He was my Master. I lived and breathed for him. I HAD to fix him. I HAD to carry him through. I tried to fight his battle with every weapon I had...and even some I just made up along the way. I was determined that I would not lose him to this beast. This beast that transformed him from the wise, caring and compassionate man that I loved...into the unrecognizable violent, cold and heartless stranger who didn't care about anyone or anything....least of all himself. There were periods on tranquil lucidity, moments of clarity. I clung to them. They renewed my strength and gave me hope. But they became fewer....and farther apart. Life became a blur of emergency rooms and visitation rooms at the local jail. Eventually the decision had to be made. None of us were going to survive. As a matter of self preservation I had to throw in the towel and admit defeat. My leaving was the catalyst for another year of sobriety for him....that and the ultimatum given him by the state. That year was spent in a treatment facility. We remained close and I continued to be supportive....but I had heard it all far too many times to take that chance and resume our relationship. He got out and fell in with the first girl who came along on his ever pressing quest to find someone who would "make" him happy. He never did find the understanding that happiness was something that could only come from inside of himself...and he couldn't be happy because he couldn't forgive himself, he hated himself. It wasn't long before he was drinking again. The state had enough and very generously provided accomodations for him for the next 3 years. He used his time there well and tried to work on himself. We had many, many long and meaningful conversations while he was there. He came out with a renewed determination. Upon his release he was the happiest and most content than I'd seen him in years. But I still watched with caution...for I had seen such hopefullness brutally destroyed in a moment's time before. He'd been out nearly a year now. We've shared so many joyful conversations since then. We had the opportunity to also have many talks that took us back over time and helped us to sort it all out and put it into some kind of perspective that provided some closure on that time frame. It really was looking up for him....until recently. When he called last week I knew from his tone. He was melancholy. He wanted to travel back down roads we had been over time and time again. Apology after apology. He said he needed to know that I'd forgiven him. I asked him why all of this talk now, we've been over it so many times. I suspected I knew the answer. He went on to tell me that I was absolutely the best thing that had ever happened in his life and that he wanted to make sure that I knew that. I kept waiting for what I was pretty sure to come...and it did. He ended up telling me life was falling apart and he didn't know what to do. "I've got a bottle of Jack in front of me". What he was really saying is "Please rescue me". Noooooo. It's not fair dammit. Here I was sitting with my new Master. I did MY work after our breakup. I waited until I had healed all my wounds and sorted through all of the BS. I was not going to go into a relationship and expect someone else to have to deal with any of that. My life is where I want it to be....and I have fought the hard fight to get here. So I told him "I've been your guardian angel that has been rescuing you for 16 years now....and I can't keep rescuing you from yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You know that you have been sticking your hand in that fire over and over....and every time you get badly burned by it. It's your choice if you want to do it again....but I can't stop you." He chose to drink himself into oblivion. That was just mere days before the end. It was the last time I spoke to him. I prayed that he would see himself through it. He made his choice. But now here I sit. The rational part of me KNOWS that this is not my doing. But I can't get my head to stop playing the "what if?" game. What if I had just gone and gotten him? Rescued him one more time? I feel like a failure. I feel like I bear the responsibility. My head knows how wrong it is to feel like that....but my heart isn't getting the message. I know I'm not alone...at his funeral yesterday there was a room packed with people who all feel exactly the same way. None of us are to blame...but we all share to some degree in the feeling that we are. Please people...don't ever make anyone feel like they are responsible for your happiness. Don't ever assume the responsibility for someone else's happiness. It's a painfully heavy burden to bear.

GreedyTop -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:31:26 AM)
hugs Erin I am so sorry, darlin....

CruelDesires -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:35:06 AM)
I tried to encourage you. I tried to support you. I tried to enlighten you. I tried to teach you. I tried to preach to you. I tried to love you. I tried to hate you. I tried to embolden you. I tried to refresh you. I tried to test you. I tried to understand you. I tried to reprimand you. I tried to guide you. I tried to be snide to you. I tried to drive you. I tried to be alive for you. I tried to save you. I tried to persuade you. I tried to be true to you. I tried not to lose you. I failed. Alcohol is your Master. And it's seductiveness is killing you. CD 07/22/08 As you said before. You cannot fix someone. Take comfort in the fact that you tried and gave it more effort then most others would have. Remember the good times and dwell on those rather then the bad. C-D

Maxwell67 -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:35:14 AM)
I cannot tell how many times I have seen this "I can fix him/her." approach to a relationship from people I have known, but it has been a lot. Not one time has it actually worked. That kind of change has to come from within. This post hurt to read. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. HUGS

wideeyes -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:41:48 AM)
No...its not our job. But that doesnt mean we wont try and it doesnt mean it wont hurt when we fail. I hope your pain and anger becomes bearable as quickly as it can.

angelwithhonor -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:48:00 AM)
.....sighs softly, and leaves a hug for your loss erin ..may the peace of His memories good and bad, bring you peace some day.

christine1 -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:52:58 AM)
hugs OP...i've gone through something similar with 2 family members.

KatyLied -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:56:16 AM)
Erin, I am sorry for your loss.

natasha66 -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:59:01 AM)
As has been said, this hurt to read. But, there is NO reason for you to feel guilty. He had his demons, and they won. Like CruelDesires said, alcohol was his master, and it ended up taking his life....albeit indirectly. You did all you could to help him, take comfort in that.....

Lockit -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 9:59:12 AM)
I am very sorry for your pain and that he was so lost. I know you can get through this, because you know what is right... you can only love them; you can't fix them. Still it hurts and I wish you the very best!

RavenMuse -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:12:03 AM)
You can't fix someone else... you can help them fix themselves but you can't fix them alone, you simply can't help someone who won't help themself!

ownedgirlie -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:20:28 AM)
I'm sorry for your pain, Erin. What if? What if you had stepped in....again? You would be repeating the cycle you had lived over and over again, which had proven to never really help, and which had shown you time and again that doing so would just eventually bring you down with him. You would have lost what you have worked so hard to build within yourself and within your new relationship, and you would have chosen a destructive and miserable path. So instead you kept your new boundaries, which have proven to be healthy for you, and to be what you need. Someone wise once said, after my nephew's second violent attempt on his life and my ex husband's first - Sometimes the world is just too much for some people, and sometimes, no matter what we do, they aren't strong enough to make it. We have to forgive them for their weaknesses and let them go, and be grateful for our own strength and ability to cope through the hard stuff. You chose to walk away from your ex because you already knew what the end result would be. You chose life, not death. Mourn your ex, but celebrate what you have created with your current Master. Big hugs to you...

BKSir -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:25:40 AM)
Being the partner of a ptsd veteran, I can say, in some ways, you are certainly right. I can not fix him. I spent many years wishing I could, and trying. However, what I can do is HELP mend some of the cracks, and be there along side him so that WE can work to keep him from breaking more, to help find outside avenues of assistance for him, and to pick him back up when he falls.

mistoferin -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:29:35 AM)
Oh owned, as if I haven't cried enough in the past few days. Thank you, sincerely. I am greatful that I have been blessed with the strength to get me though in this world. I know that not everyone is so fortunate. I have been through more than my fair share of rough days but I can not imagine how much it must hurt for anyone to take such a drastic measure....to not be able to feel like tomorrow may just be a little brighter. I just can't imagine.

ownedgirlie -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:39:29 AM)
Another hug for you, Erin. I actually have felt that way, and have tried to go down that road myself in the past. It is a very desolate place. But ultimately, I chose life. The world ultimately wasn't too much for me, and I was willing to do the work to build myself back up. This is the diffierence, Erin: The person has to be willing to do the work. Not everyone is. There is NOTHING you could have done for him, if he wasn't willing and able to do the work. It is sad to see a soul so lost. Just as it will be sad if my ex finally succeeds (two attempts now). But sometimes - and this is going to sound really unconventional - maybe someone's destination isn't to live a long life. Maybe their purpose was to only be here for a short time. Not everyone finds a cure for their diseases - be it cancer, AIDS, diabetes, or mental illness. And we, as humans who love them, are not capable of single-handedly curing their disease. You did what you could, Erin. You did more than you could. And he knew that, otherwise he wouldn't have thanked you for being such a great force in his life. There is no need for guilt here - none at all.

Twicehappy2x -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:47:26 AM)
Aw...hon, you've brought tears to my eyes again. I know that even though you and i will always hope for a brighter tomorrow, there are those who do reach their breaking point. That unspeakable terrible moment in time when despair and despite reign supreme in their hearts, overruling their minds. Are they better off? Hard to say, i know that we who are left behind would oft say we are not, we are bereft and bereaved, even if we have found contentment and happiness elsewhere. But, they are at peace, a peace that for what ever reason had deserted them in this world. Be at peace with yourself, you did your utmost, perhaps peace is what they wanted after all.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 10:54:38 AM)
Erin, If you'd gone to him again, you would only have enabled another cycle, and if the individual is not ready to let go of the need to damage hirself, even if you catch hir every time xhe falls, eventually the strain of the repetition is going to do the same thing -- it will just take longer, and bring more sorrowful years. I am a pastoral care provider. I get calls all the time from family members and friends who want me to "work with" a relative or their dear friend who just can't get hir life back on track. I will always see these people at least once, but one of the things we talk about (if xhe'll even talk to me) is what work xhe's willing to do to improve hir situation. Many times, though it is painful, I have to tell the families and friends that there is nothing I can do, because the person doesn't believe xhe needs help, doesn't believe that anything -can- help, or isn't interested in holding hir share of the effort. Sometimes, people really try, but whatever it is that makes some of us so stubborn when our lives slide, instead of letting us give up, isn't part of these individuals' natures -- so when they start to slip, instead of hanging on and fighting their demons, they let go and fall into their demons' arms as if they were long-lost lovers. It isn't anyone's fault -- My theory is that they took on more in this lifetime than they could process through, and one of the lessons got overwhelming and they had a 'system crash'... the only way out that they could see was a 'life reboot'. I share your grief. You did everything you could, and more than might be expected. Even professionals can't do much if the person isn't ready to move forward. Calla

swooshieone -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 11:04:20 AM)
Erin, Thank you for sharing your experience. I've lived through something similar myself. It has been more than tens years now and I still wonder "what if" I had just given it one more chance, taken one more call. But alas I cling to the idea that perhaps it was not part of the divine's greater plan. I have found comfort in thinking that God is merciful and when the sick can endure no more suffering, he brings them home. Vee

UR2Badored -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 11:30:07 AM)
I am sorry for your loss. It is a heavy burden when someone departs in such a way because it can feel like the pain the person was suffering does not end but is transferred to the surviving love ones and friends. Many prayers goes out to you, Erin. As the person(s) states above, the "what if's" are haunting. Please remember that if you had any control of the matter, you would not have chosen this outcome...so it is pointless to dwell on "what if's" though easy to fall into that trap.

mistoferin -> RE: It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave (8/4/2008 12:08:14 PM)
Thank you all. I am finding so many amazing thoughts here so far. I am going to write them all down in one place so that at the really tough moments I can go back and look at them all.

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