finding the brake pedal

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finding the brake pedal - 8/7/2008 7:54:26 AM

nhite

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
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it probably seems counterintuitive, but there really are times i want to be able to find the brake pedal to stop whatever this reaction is that i have -- this moving into submissive mode (feels to me like going under)

last night i went under and had no clue that i had (none of the known triggers were hit). it was safe and all that but the person doesn't want any sort of regular thing with me. the thing is we travel in the same circles of friends and meetings so i really need to find some way to at least slow if not stop my reaction to them (hmm, i bet it can be spanked out of me

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/7/2008 8:47:58 AM

metalmiss

Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
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The need to pull back when you feel yourself slipping into a submissive headspace is more common than you would think.. Its a fear reaction, because more often than not, being in that submissive headspace makes us feel vulnerable.
You wanting to stop that is understandable, because as you say, He doesn't want a relationship.. Or a regular thing as you put it.. And for me to feel comfortable in a submissive place i need the security of being with somebody stable, whom i have developed a Dynamic with.

When i found this happening once, i found it difficult to stop myself because its a purely natural reaction. However, i did find that concentrating on how i allowed that headspace to effect me helped. i would relax and let myself slip into that headspace.. But i would keep a firm grasp on reality & not allow myself to get too close. Sounds easier than it is, but it worked for me.

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"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/7/2008 8:51:23 AM

sublizzie

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Joined: 5/26/2004
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It's difficult to deal with, that's for sure! I've learned to recognize those feelings as they start and put the kabosh on them immediately if I'm with someone other than Santa. I know that if I went under completely with someone else I'd bond to them in a way that would not be good for me nor healthy for my relationship to Santa.

And, for me, a spanking would only make it more difficult to stop the slide!

< Message edited by sublizzie -- 8/7/2008 8:52:04 AM >

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Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/7/2008 9:26:17 AM

nhite

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
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i thought in general i could recognize when i was starting to slide. something about this person though, it literally happened in the space of a heartbeat last night and i had absolutely no clue -- even when i was struggling to answer a question for him i had no idea why i was struggling with it.

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/7/2008 9:44:12 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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sublizzie Ho Ho Ho. op it is called infatuation.

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/7/2008 5:43:15 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
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I have found that being required to do thoughtful new interaction with the world can take you out of subspace. I know, not very easy to arrange, but something to consider.

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/8/2008 10:27:44 AM

candystripper

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nhite, why does feeling submissive feel to you like 'going under'? That sounds like a bad feeling. I hope this gets sorted for you.

candystripper

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/9/2008 7:28:37 AM

poiznuz

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/4/2008
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nhite,
i know what you mean about putting on the brake pedals, except i am having the opposite problem. i am new to D/s, and as much as i adore my Master, i find myself trying to stop what i feel in the middle of the best feelings i have ever known. Even though we are just online at this time, he has brought me to places my mind and body have never felt in my life, in one sense, i want to dive in head first and give myself completely to him, in another sense, i am scared and find myself holding back. i trust him, and yet, i am nervous from these feelings of submission.

Maybe we can trade problems, lol.

poiz

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/9/2008 7:32:10 AM

nhite

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
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i call it the roller coaster scared -- youre going to go too fast and too hard on the corners, i know it, and i dont want to be buckled in at all oh my god i'm so scared already i cant do this one its too tall it really is....... (so do it already would ya!!!!)

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/9/2008 9:43:45 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
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nhite, Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and sometimes have to wear the damn thing.
If i could controle it I would, but sometimes there will be something that triggers it. i usually just keep myself out of situations that will put me there.

I am very close friends to a couple of Doms that put me in that Sub head space, so keeping boundries is nessesary. I put a kibosh on too detailed conversations of sex. Reminding me of past fun can put me there. Or put myself in a position where I might have the situation happen.

It isn't easy to try to by pass it, but at hte same time you can controle it. Note when it happens, call it what it is, and let it go.

(My next advice is for me too...because I do this allllll the damn time.) Remember when this head space happens that his rejection of not wanting something has nothing to do with you, and that there will be another that will welcome this.

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"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/9/2008 12:13:41 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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In my mind, this is the hardest part about being submissive....the need to control it. Its so hard to describe the feeling, but its like one of those dreams where someone's chasing you and you're trying to get away but can't move. The heaviness and feeling like you're swimming against the current or trying to move in a thick syrup.

quote:

i usually just keep myself out of situations that will put me there.

This is pretty much how I deal with it too. I also ration myself by limiting interactions with people I'm likely to go into that kind of head space with, and giving myself plenty of time in between interactions to return to normal space. This is how I deal with play partners. Its futile for me to consistently try to stay out of subspace with them (I'm not talking about 'play-generated' subspace but the kind of subspace that happens just being around dominants that trigger me.) so I just limit how much time I spend with them so the bond doesn't have a chance to develop.

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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/10/2008 1:56:47 PM

maat

Posts: 62
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Can only agree with what has already been said. Its realy hard when there are people around you that you feel extremly submissive to. I have a Master but it still happends. Only thing that has ever worked for me is distance. Dont get to close in space or conversation. Its not even the topics we talk about, i have had work conversations with this other guy and still im all week in the knees feeling all of those wounderfull submissive feelings bubbleing upp inside me. I know it happends, i know i cant let it, still, it does. So distance. its my only advice. I was never able to learn to controle that feeling so beeing friends never did work, only made me get hurt again and again.

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RE: finding the brake pedal - 8/11/2008 12:26:17 AM

AllietheKitten

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/10/2006
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I think a lot of "going under" is not what a dominant type says. Its the body language. I have seen many subs who just naturally sort of "fall back" when a Dom invaders their personal space or they automatically begin to follow behind while walking rather than walking beside. I think this sometimes happens without the sub even knowing they are doing it or feeling anything particular for the Dom. They are just reading cues and reacting to them.
I have no idea if this is you and if so, how deep you want to go in reconditioning yourself. I think its helpful to be able to recognize the behaviour and then to have a "trigger" that gets you out of that mindset. For example:
I used to get into these guilt spirals prompted by religious imagery. I developed this kind of trigger where, when I recognized this happening I would project an image, usually a funny one, that would help me break through that feeling. For instance, I would notice that I would be thinking about hell and feeling guilty and I would think of the Buddy Christ (from the movie 'Dogma') and kind of crack myself up and shake it off.

I hope this isn't to Psych 101 for you LOL but it does help.

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I don't believe in Destiny
Or the guiding hand of Fate
I don't believe in forever
of love as a mystical state
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
We can find someone to love and make it last.
~Rush

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