Isn't there some protocol?

Isn't there some protocol? (Full Version)

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phoenix92901 -> Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 1:31:29 PM)
I'll try to keep the backstory short and sweet before I get to the question... I'm in a commited, loving D/s relationship with my Sir and have been for the last year. I admit that I'm new to the lifestyle. Right now we live about an hour and a half away from each other and can't get to see each other as often as we'd like but are making plans to live together. Anyhow, I confessed to my curiousity about what it's like being with another woman. He encourages me to explore my fantasies and see what might be added to our menu at a later time. At this time we're not looking to play as a couple. He gave me the go ahead to seek a woman on here for a one time encounter. Because it is my fantasy and my experience, he has no compulsion to be involved so long as I feel safe and comfortable in the situation. For my comfort level, I'd prefer to be with another sub who's looking for a first time experience as I am. In no way am I looking for another Dominant or a male and make that quite clear in my profile. I was in correspondance with a Dominant male who said he knew of a sub with the same curiousity. Apparently they're not in a committed relationship but he felt responsible for her and wanted to check me out as it were. It became clear that he wanted to be involved in the introduction and I understood his desire to make sure the situation was comfortable for her. However, if another Dominant is going to be involved in any capacity, my Sir should be involved as well so I suggested that they correspond in order to discuss the parameters of the encounter. His response was "I don't talk to other Doms". Correct me if I'm wrong. I understand that each relationship is unique but isn't there some sort of protocol? In other words, wouldn't a Dom/Domme communicate with the other Dominant if their subs are going to be involved in any type of play? I'd really appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

MizSexyVixen -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 1:38:00 PM)
Yes, you are correct, I would expect the two doms to converse at length. I would also expect your dom to be involved in this process from the beginning. The "I don't talk to doms" is a BIG red flag.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 1:41:56 PM)
No, there is no protocol, erase that idea from your head completely. Do you really want to get to know a chick who can't trust herself to make her own choices about who she hangs with?

phoenix92901 -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 1:58:35 PM)
I don't think the sub even knew this guy and I were emailing (that is if she exists at all). I asked him several times to have her look at my profile and if there was some interest then we'd take it from there but, as I mentioned before, he said he wanted to check me out first. To be honest (and a tad cynical), I don't believe this guy was on the up and up. My gut feeling was that he was looking for a threesome, or even a one-on-one hookup, and used my looking for an experience with another woman to get his foot in the door, so to speak. It was his refusal to communicate with my Sir that made me question whether there's a protocol.

MistressOfGa -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 2:33:35 PM)
I agree with Em. No protocol unless it is your Sirs. Big big red flag on the "I don't talk to other Dom's" comment. My first question back to him would be "Why not?. Good luck to you :)

mbes -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 2:44:18 PM)
There are no set rules on "how things are done". I wouldn't hang out with someone who refused to speak to my other half, but I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who sent a screener (or the screener), either. That's just my preference, though, not any kind of universal thing.

katie978 -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 2:49:44 PM)
"So...you want to be with another woman? I happen to know another woman...send me photos so I can make sure she'll like you, and explain to me in lurid detail what you're planning to do with her. Just so I can make sure she'll like you, of course." I don't play the "subs are too stupid to talk for themselves" game. If I want to talk to another sub, for whatever reason, I will contact him or her themselves. If they are under speech restrictions or something, I'll initially contact the dominant, but I'll conduct my business with the sub. In this case, obviously this guy was playing you. He was definitely looking for something from you, whether it was to watch, a threesome, convincing you he needed to try you out sexually before he recommended you, or whether it was just wanking material. You've certainly provided him with the wanking-you've got to decide whether you're interested in providing him with more.

candystripper -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 3:47:49 PM)
*Call me cyncial, but I'd bet $5 this other Dom is secretly looking for a 3some and that* is the real reason he doesn't want to discuss 'parameters' with your Dom. candystripper**

phoenix92901 -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 3:53:31 PM)
Ummm... I'm not sure where I "provided him with wanking" unless you're referring to what he conjured up in his own imagination. I certainly didn't provide any fodder except for my profile which states what I'm seeking. I can't control where his thoughts go from there but I can control that there won't be any more correspondence unless it's with the submissive herself (and even then I will be cautious since one never knows who hides behind a profile). Just because I'm new to the lifestyle, it doesn't mean that I'm gullible or naive enough to not spot a BS artist.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 4:06:43 PM)
No. There is no set one way protocal stating doms must chat with other doms of the submissive. quote: ORIGINAL: phoenix92901 Correct me if I'm wrong. I understand that each relationship is unique but isn't there some sort of protocol? In other words, wouldn't a Dom/Domme communicate with the other Dominant if their subs are going to be involved in any type of play? I'd really appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 4:15:50 PM)
I remember this one guy wanted to be dom and I was willing but he had to answer any questions my bf had for him and he had to meet joseph, and give joseph a chance to talk to him an the guy insisted he didn't meet the other man cause it'd cause undue jelousy, and when I told him the rules of the deal he said then no deal cause he sure wasn't gonna run stuff by the partner, cause that makes them my dom noth im. I said well you really can't be supprised I'm not getting involved with you when you refuse to meet my mate and put his mind at ease about you can you? quote: ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa I agree with Em. No protocol unless it is your Sirs. Big big red flag on the "I don't talk to other Dom's" comment. My first question back to him would be "Why not?. Good luck to you :)

kallisto -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 4:32:31 PM)
A little bit of common sense goes along in beginning any new venture, no matter what it is. If if it seems you're being steered down a one-way street, I would be backing up. I agree .. seems to me the guy is playing you.

porcelain26 -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 4:39:54 PM)
I think the only 'protocol' involved here is (or at least should be) "Respect others as you wish to be respected". Unfortunately, there are a lot of jerks out there who don't understand this or who are simply not capable of following it. If anyone's read my profile, then you know I'm in sort of the same situation, except that my Owner enjoys having me used by other Dominants. Thankfully, none that I've encountered have flat out refused to speak with Him. This guy you're speaking of obviously had alterior motives, because I don't know any serious dominant who would flat out refuse to talk with a girl's Owner unless he knew he was trying to plan something that said Owner would never go for. In that case, thank heaven's you realized his game before it was too late. I agree with katie, by the way. From here on out, if I were you, I'd do the contacting. If anymore dom's contact you, I'd simply be upfront and thank them for the reference, but state you need to speak with the submissive directly. If they refuse, simply wish them well and move on ;) Good luck!!!

katie978 -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 5:28:31 PM)
quote: I was in correspondance with a Dominant male who said he knew of a sub with the same curiousity. Apparently they're not in a committed relationship but he felt responsible for her and wanted to check me out as it were. It became clear that he wanted to be involved in the introduction and I understood his desire to make sure the situation was comfortable for her. However, if another Dominant is going to be involved in any capacity, my Sir should be involved as well so I suggested that they correspond in order to discuss the parameters of the encounter. His response was "I don't talk to other Doms". Sorry, I read "correspondence" to mean you'd had significant discussions with him about the topic...most Doms I had talked to considered 'checking me out' or 'getting to know me' basically getting a naked photo and some lurid sexual fantasies of mine (they were frequently disappointed when I fabricated fantastical tales involving wetsuits and flippers). But, yes, I'd be very, very wary of meeting however casually a dom that "doesn't talk to other doms". I'm not sure what he fears there, but clearly he's not on the level. Talk to the submissive and set up a meet yourself without her protector. Unless she's as shady as he, she'll understand your trepidation about the meet.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 6:17:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenix92901 Correct me if I'm wrong. I understand that each relationship is unique but isn't there some sort of protocol? In other words, wouldn't a Dom/Domme communicate with the other Dominant if their subs are going to be involved in any type of play? Not necessarily. Some Doms are hands off, others do not like the idea of competition and having to play by anyone elses rules. Fox has one rule, he has to have permission to talk to anyone off CM, be it email, IM or anything else. THEY have to ask me for permission to talk to him. You would be shocked how many people will refuse to do so. If it makes you uncomfortable, if ti bothers your Dom, or if you worry it is leading to a bad situation (I would believe it could be a red flag that he wants to be involved but exclude another dominant) then you know its a no go. If he simply doesnt want to make first contact, then have your Dom mail him and open the lines. I wouldnt personally trust someone who wanted to exclude one partner becasue of their role. Thats just me though. DV

Twicehappy2x -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 7:04:07 PM)
While there is no set in stone rules most Dominants in that situation, if they were on the up and up, would have asked to speak with your dominant regarding the situation. Or at least have been willing to speak with him when asked. It is just considered common courtesy. I would be very suspicious if i were you if any female supposedly looking for what you are looking for that did not want to speak to you directly. Like LA commented, do you really want to get involved with somebody who cannot speak or think for herself?

silkncarol -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 7:38:11 PM)
It's not so much a matter of protocol but the Dominant being honorable and above board....If he's not capable of putting aside his own ego and pride for a simple discussion that really has no affect on him...then red flag. Somethings not right with all his concern to "help" you have that first bi experience.......

DarkSteven -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 7:43:52 PM)
I have twice been in the situation of being responsible for a submissive and had a prospective Dom refuse to talk to me. In both cases, it turned out that they were inexperienced and did not think that they could bluff past me. My take is that if a Dom feels responsible for a sub, it is extremely rude to refuse to meet with him. The vanilla analogy is when a girl's parents want to meet her new boyfriend, and he refuses to meet them.

angaothsi -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/9/2008 8:43:08 PM)
There may be standard rules for the matter, but were I in your situation I would take his refusal as a big ol red flag, which it seems you have. Your instints seem to be good, follow them, and discuss with YOUR Dom what rules he would set. But I also agree with LA, do you really want to meet someone who needs someone else to speak for her?

CelticPrince -> RE: Isn't there some protocol? (8/10/2008 2:01:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenix92901 I'll try to keep the backstory short and sweet before I get to the question... I'm in a commited, loving D/s relationship with my Sir and have been for the last year. I admit that I'm new to the lifestyle. Right now we live about an hour and a half away from each other and can't get to see each other as often as we'd like but are making plans to live together. Anyhow, I confessed to my curiousity about what it's like being with another woman. He encourages me to explore my fantasies and see what might be added to our menu at a later time. At this time we're not looking to play as a couple. He gave me the go ahead to seek a woman on here for a one time encounter. Because it is my fantasy and my experience, he has no compulsion to be involved so long as I feel safe and comfortable in the situation. For my comfort level, I'd prefer to be with another sub who's looking for a first time experience as I am. In no way am I looking for another Dominant or a male and make that quite clear in my profile. I was in correspondance with a Dominant male who said he knew of a sub with the same curiousity. Apparently they're not in a committed relationship but he felt responsible for her and wanted to check me out as it were. It became clear that he wanted to be involved in the introduction and I understood his desire to make sure the situation was comfortable for her. However, if another Dominant is going to be involved in any capacity, my Sir should be involved as well so I suggested that they correspond in order to discuss the parameters of the encounter. His response was "I don't talk to other Doms". Correct me if I'm wrong. I understand that each relationship is unique but isn't there some sort of protocol? In other words, wouldn't a Dom/Domme communicate with the other Dominant if their subs are going to be involved in any type of play? I'd really appreciate the feedback. Thanks. phoenix, In my opinion, that Dom has his head up his ass! \ CP

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