Becoming closed off after abuse

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L8bloomer -> Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 3:34:32 AM)
The thread Facing your own damage ... and embracing it started by softness was what inspired this one. While her thread attempted to find the positivity in negative experiences, mine doesn't. When I was 12, I was molested by a neighbourhood boy a few years older than me. For my parents it ended after I gave an account to the police. (Gee, what fun, particularly with both my parents and my best friend's parents present - she had been a witness.) But it changed me. Before it happened I was discovering my sexuality and the power it had with boys. I was embracing the woman I was becoming. That changed. I began to deny being a sexual being. I became asexual in my clothing choices. I had an extreme mistrust of the opposite sex. Despite still liking the opposite sex and having sexual desires, I couldn't let a guy get close. I lost out on the socializing process of dating. To this day I feel clumsy around men. I know that many women who are molested or worse, raped, when they are young become promiscuous. But I didn't. It had the opposite effect on me. I'm embarrassed to say how old I was when I lost my virginity. I can count the number of sexual partners on one hand. And that includes oral sex partners. Don't misinterpret what I'm saying as frigidity. I am not that. I have incredible sexual desires, but I fear being used. My mind definitely has power over my physical desires. To make matters worse, I haven't gotten close to any man since my last sexual encounter, which was a date rape of sorts...a so-called dominant who disregarded my limit of no sexual intercourse. He had me tied up and so I was not exactly in a position to deny him. One last note...these situations didn't somehow make me submissive. From my earliest memories, I was always submissive and trying to please people. Now to my question. Has anyone experienced some form of sexual abuse which resulted in your becoming closed off rather than promiscuous? Or am I in the minority?

IvyMorgan -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 5:37:54 AM)
You aren't necessrily in the minority. Lots of people shut down and can't stand to be touched. Somewhere around the old laptop is some suggestions I used to dole out when counselling to help deal with it. FYI, I was 22 and a half when I fist chose to have sex. Only then did I become promiscuios, then I got raped again, and then I shut down, again. I yo-yo. smiles

candystripper -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 5:43:29 AM)
What you've asked may be too personal for some members to respond honestly, and I'm not sure how it would help you to validate what you already know -- some victims of chldhood sexual abuse become very 'closed off'. It seems to me to be a better use of your time -- and I really don't mean this unkindly -- getting some therapy to explore this and hopefuly work it through. Best wishes. candystripper

sirsholly -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 5:54:19 AM)
quote: ORIGIONAL:L8bloomer To make matters worse, I haven't gotten close to any man since my last sexual encounter, which was a date rape of sorts...a so-called dominant who disregarded my limit of no sexual intercourse. He had me tied up and so I was not exactly in a position to deny him. "Date rape of sorts"???? It was rape. Pure and simple. You told him no intercourse. That is rape. The fact that you do not recognize this as actual rape is frightening. I would urge you to call a rape crisis center.

DarkSteven -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 7:05:47 AM)
My submissive had some extreme experiences in her past which caused her to reject men for twenty years. She's good looking, so I know she must have gotten plenty of offers during that time. It's simple. I touch her and caress her a lot, both in and out of bed. And I've made her do vanilla activities with me - walks, videos, comedy clubs, etc. - in addition to the play times. Basically, I'm teaching her what a healthy relationship is like.

CruelDesires -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 7:10:06 AM)
Helping her to regain her trust in male humanity can be a long and tiring road to travel but the rewards at the end of the road more then make up for it. C-D

velvetears -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 7:14:50 AM)
i don't think abuse is the only thing that can "close a person off"... it's one of many. Failed relationships, simply by virtue of the emotional power and conection they held for you, can close a person down when the relationship folds. Being overworked, stressed, depression just to name a few. A partners sudden death. Closing down doesn't have to be entirely negative, it depends on how you percieve it and handle it i think. An animal when it is injured isolates itself untill it heals and can readily defend itself again. Good defense mechanism don't you think?

Kalista07 -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 7:18:50 AM)
L8bloomer, i can relate on some level with Your experience. i was sexually (and every other form as well) abused by my father until i hit the age of 19 and left their home. i had sex one time at age 19 with a man who was 45 and it was a one night stand due to my high (HIGH) level of intoxication.....i didn't have sex again for 6 years after that. i never dated..... i remember i went out on one 'date' in my youth...... 14 months ago i was brutally raped, beaten, and a few other unspeakable things by a 'dom' that i met through here. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that it was indeed rape, especially given the attitude of the police....... i understand exactly where You are coming from. i've been in this relationship for 11 months and 2 1/2 weeks. It's one of the healthiest relationships i've been in through out my life. Much like DarkSteven said, we started out doing completely vanilla things. We've slowly been incorporating the M/s stuff into our relationship. He's so patient. i've learned so much from and through Him. i've learned: that i am not damaged and defective, that it's okay for me to meet my own needs, it's okay for me to ask Him to meet my needs, i'm not repulsive looking, i'm not stupid, i was not created soley for men to abuse..... i don't know if any of this makes any sense or not..... i'm having trouble waking up. Feel free to PM me any time you want/ need to tak. Kali

Termyn8or -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 7:42:21 AM)
When you get robbed you lock the door. There is nothing wrong with that. Eventually you have to open it, when you're ready. T

kiwisub12 -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 8:47:15 AM)
13 years in an abusive (not physically) marraige, and then 10 years of celibacy, hiding in my work, kids and home. 3 years of therapy to find out and treat why i went along with said abuse. 2 years in a true loving and caring partnership of a relationship. If you are smarter than me, you will hit the therapy route before you waste 10 years of your life. Being closed off isn't bad, but i shut out more than i knew. You realise that you are shutting out the world, now do something about it. Its not healthy for you to ignore parts of yourself. They don't go away, they just go underground and erupt when you least expect it, and screw something up that you don't want screwed up. Please be smarter than me. [:)]

slvemike4u -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 9:12:07 AM)
Was abused as a child at 8 y/o blocked it out thru disassociation till my 30's still have problems with intimacy and trust...working on this thru therapy,but it is a painful and difficult job involving learning just what form the abuse entailed...not really something I want to do but the only path to putting it behind me

ShySubbie2ServeU -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 9:32:10 AM)
Dear L8bloomer, Hugs to you. I think closing oneself off is more common than you think. The other behaviour just gets more attention. I closed off for over twenty years and just now am starting to open up and accept and explore a side of me that I have denied existed. Please don't do as I have done. I have denied myself the chance for happiness all these years. Have let the behaviours of others control my life for all this time by closing off. I know it's hard to accept the term rape and that's why we say things like 'rape of sorts'. But when we can call it what it is, we can fight it's power over us. This may not work for everyone. Just my experience. You are steps ahead of a lot of people because you are figuring out that you have closed off and some of the whys. Now take the next step and find someone, a good counselor, therapist, who can help you deal with the whys. I hope you will be able to start feeling comfortable opening up and enjoying all of life. Take your time (don't rush) but please don't take 10 or 20 more years. My best to you. Remember you are not alone. Shy~

pahunkboy -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 10:09:54 AM)
sexual expression goes in stages. as a gay man, as a man, as a 44 year old. I know this.

Vendaval -> RE: Becoming closed off after abuse (8/10/2008 3:13:29 PM)
I agree that counseling and calling rape crisis in your area are a good place to start. There is an author that I recommend to people named John Bradshaw. You can find his books here and in major bookstores. http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-That-Binds-You/dp/0932194869

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