Tell me what you're thinking... (Full Version)

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SubtleDifference -> Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 9:01:23 AM)

I think too much. Perhaps it's over analyzing things, I'm not quite sure. (I have to think about it. [;)]) But I know I definitely do too much of it.

Days after an intense encounter, I get this almost insane like need to share my thoughts/feelings/etc on the experience with him. Not a critique, but more like 'when this happened, I felt...' or 'when you did **** it effected me in this manner'. Saying it out loud to him helps me process it, accept it and understand some very intense emotions that can happen during such an experience.

He is the opposite of me. He internalizes his thoughts and process, though he welcomes and encourages my curiousities to his regarding the experience. It almost feels invasive to probe into his head (even though invited) with questions about his feelings or thoughts regarding the experience; especially that it serves no purpose or usefulness to him. It's a selfish need of my own, one which he allows me to indulge, but still...ugh.

This situation has no remedy except to accept each other the way we are as being wired differently. But it reminds me of the lover asking 'What are you thinking?' expecting enlightenment when the reality is the guy is now wondering "What the heck does she want me to say?"

I'm curious to know how others process their own experiences. Do you do it alone and internally? Do you share it with your partner and talk it out? Do you not process it at all and just accept it for what it is?  Does it balance with the way your partner processes the experiences?

Elena




Quivver -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 9:36:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubtleDifference

I'm curious to know how others process their own experiences. Do you do it alone and internally? Do you share it with your partner and talk it out? Do you not process it at all and just accept it for what it is?  Does it balance with the way your partner processes the experiences?

Elena



I belive I'm an internal processer who accpets 90% for what it is, but often get stuck on that remaining 10%. 
Then, similar to you ... I think too much ...
Does it balance?  Who knows, but it works ok. 
[;)]



mistoferin -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 9:42:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubtleDifference
especially that it serves no purpose or usefulness to him. It's a selfish need of my own, one which he allows me to indulge, but still...ugh.


I really disagree that it serves no purpose of usefullness to him. By doing this it allows you to grow in this relationship, allows for your bond with him to deepen. I would certainly see that as useful and having purpose.

I generally write our scenes in great detail after we have done them. I usually wait a couple of days so that I can look at it a few different ways before I put pen to paper. After I have it written I let him read it. He is always interested to see it through my eyes. Then we generally sit down and go over it, talk about it, what really worked well and what didn't...that kind of thing. What I loved...what I hated (sadist that he is he is always REALLY interested in what I hated....lol).



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 9:58:17 AM)

I would agree that this seems like an ideal situation to journal.

Have you asked why he feels there is no merit in in discussing insights and perspectives on what you guys do together a few days or weeks after the fact?  Even sports coaches review tapes.



NuevaVida -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 10:16:52 AM)

As others have mentioned doing, I used to journal in great detail about it - what occurred, how it made me feel, the thoughts it inspired in me (if any), and basically all my reactions to it.  He would read it, and then he would either comment about certain aspects of it or not, but it equipped him with knowing how I was affected by it all.  It helped him know me in far greater detail. 

He required this of me, both so I had an opportunity to "debrief" and work through anything I might need to work though, and so he could learn me.  I think holding it all in would have been a disservice to us both.



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 10:21:41 AM)

Quivver -

You're absolutely right. In the end as long as it works!

Thanks for sharing.



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 10:25:10 AM)

You know, erin, you're right. It probably serves a greater purpose than I gave it credit.

I do keep a journal but never wrote in great detail the scenes we've experienced to go over in detail. I've mentioned things lightly but not in great depth. But I think that is a brilliant idea.

Thanks for sharing what works for you guys!



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 10:32:17 AM)

Lucky,

The detailed journaling seems like a wonderful idea.

He does see merit in discussing perspectives and insights that stem from my view point but sharing his own doesn't come as fluid to him.

He will discuss anything and everything openly, but it is more of question and answer type of thing when sharing his personal thoughts. We're different in the sense of how the information gets shared but we definitely do share the review tapes (I like that analogy) 

My original post stemmed from a bit of frustration at the different ways we approach the same result. I was curious how others handle it.



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 10:35:34 AM)

NuevaVida -

Does he share back with you his own assessment and thoughts on the same encounters? I understand he comments and discusses your thoughts, but does he share with you how he saw the experience through his eyes.

Thanks!

Elena





NuevaVida -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 10:48:56 AM)

He rarely shared in return.  He processed things differently than I did.  Sometimes, way after the fact, he would tell me something that really affected him and we would talk about it.  But I did not receive the intimate details of his mind as he did mine.



califsue -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:12:14 AM)

Interesting Thread...
 
Since we are not 24/7 I always end up analyzing, thinking about what happened, the questions, comments and such in the next 24 hours or so. What ends up happening is that he may get 15 emails from me in a few days time asking questions or sharing information as it tends to get my brain going and I can't shut if off. He knows this is how I am and although he would like me to share at the time which I am working on and he does push it some he also appreciates that is how I am wired. The emails may lead to a visit which is just a shared initimacy without any heavy sceneing or play and bascially just holding and talking. Or he may put it on the shelf until a later time when he might feel it needs to be addressed or not. 
 
Heather



metalmiss -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:29:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubtleDifference

I'm curious to know how others process their own experiences. Do you do it alone and internally? Do you share it with your partner and talk it out? Do you not process it at all and just accept it for what it is?  Does it balance with the way your partner processes the experiences?



At first i take a step back and grab any alone time i can, engulf myself in the memories and internalise everything.. i do that through habit, once upon a time that is where it would have ended.
When its been an intense experience its difficult for me to find the words to communicate, so i will at first, perhaps for the day or so following, keep it inside.. i will enjoy it, explore it & analyse it..
Eventually i will be overcome with an urge to share my thoughts, and i will discuss it with Him in great detail.. Though He does internalise a lot of His thinking with something like that, He actively encourages me to communicate in all forms & on all subjects, so i feel comfortable speaking to Him about even the most intimate moments..
Like you, i process everything.. Sometimes several times and on several different levels..
In this We compliment each other because We both hold communication one of the most important foundation blocks of any relationship. Even though He might internalise a lot of His thoughts, He enjoys listening to mine & is never stuck when it comes to giving His input on the subject.



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:30:48 AM)

NuevaVida,  thank you for that. I can relate to that quite well.




NuevaVida -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:34:56 AM)

You are welcome, and I wish you well with adjusting to that.  Sometimes that was difficult for me, especially in the beginning.  Toward the later years, I learned that was just his personality and I respected and accepted it.



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:35:01 AM)

Heather

You know that is a good idea, meeting afterwards for intimate discussion without heavy play. Since we are not 24/7 and time can be limited, I can see how that could work out just fine. I don't feel so alone in overthinking the experiences!!

Thanks so much for sharing.

Elena



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:37:52 AM)

Metalmiss -

It seems you both found the right balance even though you both process it differently.

I'm curious, if you don't mind, do you find it frustrating or limiting that he internalizes his thoughts? I sometimes feels it limits how much I can learn about his process without having to assume or proceed with the inquisition.

Thanks for your openness.

Elena



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 11:40:34 AM)

NuevaVida

That is where I am now, at the acceptance of our "different methods" stage. Thanks for the well wishes.

I appreciate your openness and kindness in sharing.

Elena



DelightnDevotion -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 12:51:21 PM)

Elena,

What you are describing; the different ways the two of you process information, sounds exactly like the way my Dom and I process information  both individually and as a couple.  I told him just yesterday, if I had a dollar for everytime someone told me I think too much I'd be a rich, rich woman.  Just last week he told me he felt like I was interrogating him when I come at him with a lot of questions--it was a difficult discussion for us to have but after we each explained our point of view it was very, very fruitful. 

The key, for us, is respecting how each other processes things, not labeling either one of our methods as better or "the one twue way", and finding a way that each of us can get our needs met despite our different methods. 

A lot of the responders have mentioned journaling and this is one of the ways I have found to meet both of our needs.  I set up an online journal, with both of us as authors--it is password protected and we are the only ones with access to it.  He is often out of town on business so the online journal is the best format for us.  I use the journal every day--I write anything and everything with honesty and knowing that nothing I say will "get me in trouble" with him.   He reads it "religiously" and writes when he wants to.  In this way, I get to communicate whatever I want to with him and he can, on his own time and in his own way, respond.  I don't think things are building up inside me and he doesn't feel interrogated. 

Btw, I do make sure to let him know in my journal if there is something I'm writing about that I really need to discuss with him as well and he always honors that. 

HTH.  Good luck!



SubtleDifference -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 1:12:35 PM)

DelightnDevotion

It seems that detailed journaling works well with so many. Does he ever feel obligated (I can't think of a better word) to respond to your journal entries?

It sounds like you guys figured out what works well for both of you!

Thanks for the well wishes!

Elena



CelticPrince -> RE: Tell me what you're thinking... (8/10/2008 1:57:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubtleDifference

I think too much. Perhaps it's over analyzing things, I'm not quite sure. (I have to think about it. [;)]) But I know I definitely do too much of it.

Days after an intense encounter, I get this almost insane like need to share my thoughts/feelings/etc on the experience with him. Not a critique, but more like 'when this happened, I felt...' or 'when you did **** it effected me in this manner'. Saying it out loud to him helps me process it, accept it and understand some very intense emotions that can happen during such an experience.

He is the opposite of me. He internalizes his thoughts and process, though he welcomes and encourages my curiousities to his regarding the experience. It almost feels invasive to probe into his head (even though invited) with questions about his feelings or thoughts regarding the experience; especially that it serves no purpose or usefulness to him. It's a selfish need of my own, one which he allows me to indulge, but still...ugh.

This situation has no remedy except to accept each other the way we are as being wired differently. But it reminds me of the lover asking 'What are you thinking?' expecting enlightenment when the reality is the guy is now wondering "What the heck does she want me to say?"

I'm curious to know how others process their own experiences. Do you do it alone and internally? Do you share it with your partner and talk it out? Do you not process it at all and just accept it for what it is?  Does it balance with the way your partner processes the experiences?

Elena




Elena,

Did you ever read Men are from Mars/ women are from Venus?
I suggest you both read it!

CP



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