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What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 12:36:48 PM

SirEbonyPhoenix

Posts: 195
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: My realm in Central Indiana (you guess where :P)
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I've given a lot of thought to this of late as I've struggled with what I'm supposed to do as a Dominant of over 3 years. I mean, what exactly is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? Are we pet owners? Are we counselors/therapists? Are we negotiators? Or are we merely guides to someone who has placed their trust in us while we ourselves struggle for guidance?

_____________________________

"If it takes one to know one, then you must be one."

Post #: 1

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 12:47:34 PM

NumberSix

Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

we are all those things, and none of them, if I may offer a riddle.

We are men, although unsure of exactly where it leads us, rather know where we are going (that would be to die) and we are often men that women attach themselves to, to walk behind us, so if we get shot, they can comfort us, but not be shot themselves.

It used to be that when Bucks only season for deer was around here, the does and fawns preceeded the bucks----they watched the action from the woods edge to see what would happen. Now that all can be shot here (promiscuously) the buck once again leads the way.

We are no better than other animals that breathe, for all our bolo ties, kotex, and prada purses.

We struggle to survive, the animals are quite aware that there can only be one captain of a ship.

even in following, he is leading beyond the sight point, since he has assumed the dominant role.

6

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 2

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 1:03:32 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

You are what you agree to be.

While that may seem hopelessly vague, don't worry about you are as a collective group and worry about what you specifically want and need to be in your relationship.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 3

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 2:54:32 PM

mbes

Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline

Mine is the decision maker, even if the decision is to have me make the decision. He doesn't like making menus for the week, so that's my job.
Were you thinking of something else?

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 4:22:11 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix
I've given a lot of thought to this of late as I've struggled with what I'm supposed to do as a Dominant of over 3 years. I mean, what exactly is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? Are we pet owners? Are we counselors/therapists? Are we negotiators? Or are we merely guides to someone who has placed their trust in us while we ourselves struggle for guidance?

Responsibility and authority go hand in hand. I've opted to model our marriage with (here you go LA *laughs*) a TAT - total authority transfer - model which is to say, I get all the authority and so also get all the responsibility. So I am, by definition, everything that she needs and as much as she desires as I can manage. I am fully and completely responsible for her successful climb up maslow's hierarchy of needs. I play whatever roles I must to satisfy the responsibility on my shoulders.

Where I think this gets muddier is where lesser amounts of responsibility are transferred. Still though, in the end, it's all just a relationship. And last I checked, no matter what I signed up for, as soon as I fall in love with a woman, i'm pretty much on the hook for everythign anyway because... well... I love her.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 5

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 4:56:56 PM

DrFaustus

Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

This is an excerpt from a contract my wife and I used for some time. I borrowed most of it from a website, Submissive Loving, and added some of my own:

Owner

The master recognizes his responsibility that, in accepting the gift of submission from his slave/submissive, he has obligations. He owes her his trust and will behave with the utmost trustworthiness towards her. His submissive must be safe in the knowledge that he will never harm her. A general definition of harm is: that which causes visible or permanent physical or emotional damage. The master and slave must communicate often and effectively to determine what may or may not be harmful. The master will recognize that his responsibilities transcend any agreement. He cannot allow his submissive to enter into a self-destructive activity no matter how willingly. He will manage the transfer of power, accepting that it is he who should ensure that all of the activities that he expects from his submissive would have been discussed. He will honor the fact that no submissive can honorably be obliged to comply with any expectation that has not been communicated to her. He will honor his submissive's hard limits as he would his own. Even his relations with other people will be limited by his sensitivity to her emotional limitations. He will always honor his obligation of master should the relationship fail. His goal would be to leave his submissive whole and able to trust again.

Mentor

The master will be friend, guide and teacher to his submissive. He will take joy in assisting in his submissive's development. He will be his submissive's advisor in all issues. He will take joy when seeing that his submissive is following his lead. He inspires his submissive to take joy in his guidance. He will be selfless in his care of her.

Teacher

The master should demonstrate his mastery by guiding his submissive in all aspects of the sensual. He will guide her with subtly without removing the responsibility of his submissive to seek and learn on her own ways to please her master. He will endeavor to never give her confusing responses.

Disciplinarian

The master knows the importance of a consistent framework of behavior to his submissive. He will enforce this framework with wisdom. He knows that the reinforcement of positive behavior is far more effective in correcting behavior than punishment. He recognizes that careless application of discipline can be the source of unnecessary and confusing anguish for his submissive.

Lover

The master will reward his submissive with loving kisses, caresses, spankings and other loving behaviors that she enjoys. However, all of his rewards and punishments are always demonstrations of his love for her and proof that he will always love her unconditionally. Even as he administers pain, he does so with a loving hand. He will offer her the safe haven of his love and his need. Although reward and punishment imply judgment, he will never judge her as a person, but will merely administer rewards and punishments to inspire her to achieve the goals that are most important to her. He will cherish his submissive, in his way. He will recognize that within a D/s relationship, it is the loving relationship that is at the core: that D/s and BDSM activities are but enhancements of that relationship.

Master

The master earns his title by the mastery of his submissive's sensuality. He will endeavor to be unique to her; endeavor to be her world. He will demonstrate consummate skill in the safe application of BDSM techniques and an understanding of how she will respond to such sensual stimuli. His control will be total and will pervade his submissive's life within the agreed limits. He will protect her with his life.

God

The master humbly assumes the role of God in his submissive’s life in that she may project all her ideals concerning masculine perfection on him even when he behaves as a flawed human being. Her devotion and love for him may be compared to that of mystics towards their God.

Devotee

The master is equally devoted to projecting the perfection of the feminine on his slave although he assumes the role of her master. His setting the scene for play may be compared to the keeper of the deities in a temple. He prepares the scene for devotion. Lovers, master and slave, worship their respective Goddess/God in his temple together. ALL acts in this temple are sacred and require the complete attention of both slave and master.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 6

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 5:22:19 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

My advice is generally that if you drop the "Sir" your mental load is much lightened, and you'll become you.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 7

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 5:27:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Leadership- I'm always glad to have people embrace the authority dynamic within their structures and language, but it would be a mistake IMO to equate authority with responsibility.

What's the point of having authority over someone you can't depend on to be responsible for following that authority?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 8

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 5:35:19 PM

solia

Posts: 115
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

I've given a lot of thought to this of late as I've struggled with what I'm supposed to do as a Dominant of over 3 years. I mean, what exactly is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? Are we pet owners? Are we counselors/therapists? Are we negotiators? Or are we merely guides to someone who has placed their trust in us while we ourselves struggle for guidance?

Please define: 'besides the obvious.' What is so obvious? All of your following questions may be obvious to others ~ what's yours though?
I like to take out the dom/master wording and replace it with friend/lover wording. It changes things a bit and reminds me that a role is a role and sometimes it changes. When I'm a friend to someone, I'm responsible for my actions to that friend. Did I call them lately? Did I check in on them? Do they need my help in some way? Have we laughed lately? Some friends I am more helpful towards and others are more helpful to me. Same as D/s for me. Doesn't matter if sub or dom, I am helpful to both or need help from both.
We are all of those things you asked. It seems you are needing some specific guidance though.
Solia

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 9

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 5:39:17 PM

Paulnz

Posts: 411
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

Are we negotiators?

More like decision-makers I would have thought.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 10

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 5:48:55 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Leadership- I'm always glad to have people embrace the authority dynamic within their structures and language, but it would be a mistake IMO to equate authority with responsibility.

What's the point of having authority over someone you can't depend on to be responsible for following that authority?

*nods* Power is such a weak concept anyway. I agree that your authority transfer terminology is much better... But I do like to think of myself as flexible and if the community wants to discuss TPE, that's fine.. I more or less know what they mean.

Insofar as authority and responsibility, I think you have the wrong kind of responsibility in mind. My wife is absolutely responsible for following my lead -- both passively in terms of direct obedience and more actively in terms of anticipating what I'm trying to accomplish and proactively serving. I hold her to ever stricter standards regarding her performance in discharging that responsibility. I, however, am ultimately responsible for the success or failure of the entire endeavor -- life I mean. It's "the buck stops here" concept. We are each responsible to discharge our roles with discipline and integrity, but mine is the blanket responsibility for overall "winning at life".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 7:41:01 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

IMO there is no blanket responsibility when it comes to any relationship, certainly not "winning at life" when that life is shared by another.

I understand how you mean responsibility here, but it would be best to qualify your statement with that in the future. There's a big difference between "I have all the responsibility" and "I have the responsibility to hold to what I've agreed to do in this relationship"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 12

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 7:54:46 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Fuck if I know.

You people have this crap so confused with fantasies and blowjobs that I can't tell where where the bullshit stops-and anything remotely practical even begins.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 13

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 8:06:37 PM

clodivs

Posts: 29
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline

Damn, boy.

I hate to be telling you how to do it, but if you have to try to fit your round peg of a self into a square hole, you're doing it wrong.

Just look at what you want, and try to find a subbie who wants the same dynamic, or a dynamic that you can compromise to.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 14

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/10/2008 8:07:20 PM

DrFaustus

Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

Certainly everyone is responsible for their own actions, but when there is is an increase in authority there is an increase of responsibility in equal measure. This should even apply to power in the political and financial arenas.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/11/2008 6:10:34 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

I've given a lot of thought to this of late as I've struggled with what I'm supposed to do as a Dominant of over 3 years. I mean, what exactly is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? Are we pet owners? Are we counselors/therapists? Are we negotiators? Or are we merely guides to someone who has placed their trust in us while we ourselves struggle for guidance?

To try and confine myself to some specific "role" in my interpersonal relationships would be limiting myself in how I experience life as well as molding myself into some kind of stereotype of my own design.

Why does there have to be some kind of alternative role that I restrict myself to besides the "obvious" one that solely pertains to the label?

In addition to being a "dominant" in my relations with women in the last two years, I've also been a teacher, student, counselor, patient, guider, guided, cook, dishwasher, cook and dishwasher, maid, mess maker, repairer, broken and in need of repair, strong supporting shoulder, and vulnerable person in need of support.

What's wrong with just being a human being?

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 16

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/13/2008 2:33:40 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

What responsibilities do you want? And how much time can you devote to this?

Figure that out first and then find a partner who wants the same.

A dom can be all, some or none of your list. Depends on the people involved.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 17

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/13/2008 4:44:06 PM

MasterHermes

Posts: 136
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

I've given a lot of thought to this of late as I've struggled with what I'm supposed to do as a Dominant of over 3 years. I mean, what exactly is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? Are we pet owners? Are we counselors/therapists? Are we negotiators? Or are we merely guides to someone who has placed their trust in us while we ourselves struggle for guidance?

Everything you said is very nice, but then you become a slave of your own role.

Think about it
Hermes

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 18

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/13/2008 5:18:40 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Responsibility and authority go hand in hand. I've opted to model our marriage with (here you go LA *laughs*) a TAT - total authority transfer - model which is to say, I get all the authority and so also get all the responsibility. So I am, by definition, everything that she needs and as much as she desires as I can manage. I am fully and completely responsible for her successful climb up maslow's hierarchy of needs. I play whatever roles I must to satisfy the responsibility on my shoulders.

Where I think this gets muddier is where lesser amounts of responsibility are transferred. Still though, in the end, it's all just a relationship. And last I checked, no matter what I signed up for, as soon as I fall in love with a woman, i'm pretty much on the hook for everythign anyway because... well... I love her.

I agree with LA on this... Authority and Responsibility are not the same thing. Everyone in the relationship has a responsibility.. be they Dominant or submissive in the dynamic.

Authority is the decision making power and as such the person that has that decision making authority for the relationship and people in the relationship. With authority does come the responsibility to make the best possible decisions for the well-being of the relationship and people in the relationship... but not ALL responsibility. If you don't have Obedience to said Authority you have a dysfunctional Authority Transfer. As such.. the submissive does have the "responsibility to obey" for the Well-being of the relationship and the individuals involved.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 19

RE: What is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? - 8/13/2008 5:32:32 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirEbonyPhoenix

I've given a lot of thought to this of late as I've struggled with what I'm supposed to do as a Dominant of over 3 years. I mean, what exactly is a Dom's/Master's role (besides the obvious)? Are we pet owners? Are we counselors/therapists? Are we negotiators? Or are we merely guides to someone who has placed their trust in us while we ourselves struggle for guidance?

We are what is best for the relationship, the individuals in the relationship and for myself.

It is really difficult to answer your question because the answer is very unique for each relationship. For example... you use the word Dominant... but my experience so many equate that word as also being a person that does BDSM on the Top side. For me the Dominant is the person that has the authority in the relationship or in very specific areas of the relationship.. this may include in the BDSM realm.. but it also transcends to other areas like, Financial, Behaviors, Parental responsibiltiies, Goals and Objectives, Careers, Time etc ... In fact.. it can transcend to all aspects of a person's life. In my view.. the M/s dynamic is a transfer of authority in all aspects of life that a Dominant person may choose to exercise is authority... at the end of the day... the direction of the ship is established by the Dominant. A D/s dynamic is a Limited transfer of authority. In many cases the parental authority is never transferred in the relationship or financial is another big one that isn't transferred. Now this is my view ... and if you don't share this particular view... then we are futher apart in being able to help each other. Even if you share this view... then what about our values and principles... You might be Monogamist while I am Poly... this in itself sets us apart on a variety areas. As we go futher it just gets more and more complex in our differences.

To beable to provide you a answer.. I would need to know you and your relationship like you know you are your relationships. In the end... you would likely get a better answer by looking to yourself and just maybe you could ask very specific questions to others. But you question is so vast.. that I find difificult to imagine any answer will give you what you really need.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SirEbonyPhoenix)

Post #: 20

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