Learning to Sub

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Learning to Sub

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Learning to Sub

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 5:54:34 AM

tennbutterfly

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Having the desire to be a submissive, how does one learn the formalities of being a sub. Most Dom/Dommes won't play because I can't be clear on my limits...but I really don't know what I may or may not enjoy. I'm frustrated....and inexperienced... except for a little spanking.

Post #: 1

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 6:17:10 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Learn? ........ Its finding the one that works for you, works with you to make what you have work for them.

Q

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 2

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 7:14:42 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Knowledge, learning, meeting people

A good rule though is not to jump in with just anyone, or with the first person who says "oh hey, i can train you". Get to know some people in your area, talk to them...you will find that many are more than willing to not only answer questions, but to also help you in you search.

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 3

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 8:06:41 AM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

Learning the formalities of being a submissive? Do you mean the formalities of one on one interaction with a Dominant? Or the formalities of private parties, events, etc.? It sounds like this question is geared towards one on one interaction, so I will try to help.

I would say learning the formalities of one on one interaction with a Dominant is ever changing. No two Dominants are alike and only they can teach you how to interact in a relationship with them. As far as knowing your limits goes, simply cultivate a lot of friendships and make it known that your a novice. Most people I know have no problem with newbies and will take the time to explain scenes or explain how they interact with their Dominants if asked.

All in all, just watch, listen, learn and communicate. Dont be afraid to ask questions and that will be your best bet.

(in reply to Evilbiatch)

Post #: 4

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 8:08:08 AM

Puloma

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I'm experiencing the same as you. The questions I'm always presented with is "What do you want to learn and accomplish as a submissive?" Clearly I still have a lot to learn because I have no clue.

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 5

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 8:22:31 AM

MastersBabieGirl

Posts: 63
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: courtice ontario
Status: offline

you really need to find the right dom one that is patient and wanting to train
even natural subs dont know their limits with every dom he must be direct and consice if he isnt then he doesnt know how to train and needs training himself

_____________________________

owned and obeying my Master at all times

(in reply to Evilbiatch)

Post #: 6

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 8:56:50 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Puloma

I'm experiencing the same as you. The questions I'm always presented with is "What do you want to learn and accomplish as a submissive?" Clearly I still have a lot to learn because I have no clue.

There is your answer. Be honest, state that you do not know what your limits and pleasures are...but that you would like to learn and explore...safely and slowly.

Be Well

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Puloma)

Post #: 7

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 9:00:03 AM

Puloma

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

Thank you Cloudz! I wasn't sure if I was suppose to know or not.

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 8

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 9:15:09 AM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

dear tenn,
greetings
get a "rep"
ware skins(hunters always in the room)
and then you wont have to speak or say anything ,to a top who dont want the rep of 'going too far'getting carried away or marking you for life....
...means you gotta "circulate" ,with more action less talk- first ....
brake your heart a little ;one nighters, and ,quickees,
that means, NOT MUCH....
you gotta'" live ,and, learn": make sure everyone knows your a sub LIVIN ,(as opposed to dead,not lookin or inactive...),so they won't, insult your image ,that you are trying to convey,or build,for the future, and,fewer will try ,to insult your sub- intelligence ,and, try,to step ,over you , and ,
learn the signals,and, q's...loose the waste my time i'm with ,that sub over there stuff. ...get it !?

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 9

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 9:31:08 AM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

And keep in mind that like anything else, some doms will be happy to explore with you, while others will be completely turned off by someone who isn't experienced and doesn't know exactly what they want. Of course, just like virginity, be wary of anyone who is OVERLY excited by lack of experience, that can be a big warning sign, too

Reading the boards, reading erotica or nonfiction books on BDSM, browsing pornography are all ways to get ideas. Turn them around in your head and see which ones interest you. Some things will turn out to be interesting only in your head, others turn out to be far more interesting in real life, but it's a strong place to start and gives you things to discuss ("does this excite you?" "well, the first part did, but the second part was dull.")

(in reply to Puloma)

Post #: 10

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 9:32:40 AM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

greetings tenn
to clarify;
i meant, NOT MUCH ...,in the long run ....,cause there's ,not much you can do ,about it anyway- tops WALK-
another thing:" hunters in the room" means head hunters looking for slave talent and economy, or some top, always wants, to conquer.something...;it's inevitable ;
you even have ,to have a 'rep.' first ,before you think you're gonna' find, that "soul-mate"...cause ,unless you went ,to shool ,with, that person ,or have the same goals ,in life ;
it ain't happinin '....,but keep a soul-mate,in mind....
"right ,for you" is sensitive:but,
it's all attraction,and, looks, on the ,outside, and, see what happens ,on the ,inside ,and ,for how long....
"TRIAL ,AND, ERROR",ONLY WAY ,TO LEARN, FOR TOPS ,AND, BOTTOMS,JUST watch ,and ,keep a semi-rep., for your signifigant- other's,to go ,by....

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 11/20/2005 9:35:25 AM >

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 11

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 9:52:38 AM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 198
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

There is your answer. Be honest, state that you do not know what your limits and pleasures are...but that you would like to learn and explore...safely and slowly.

Great advice Cloudz!
This is some place that we've all been at.....i know that i too struggled with this when i first became involved in WIITWD. This too shall pass.

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 12

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/20/2005 10:36:25 AM

sunshine333

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

hi butterfly.

it's hard to know without any experience what you may or may not enjoy. so you can't be expected to have an accurate limits list just yet. the only way you'll find out is to experience a few things ... then you'll get a better idea. keep talking to people ... potential friends as well as doms. at some point there will be someone with whom you feel connected and possibly drawn to. as you slowly develop trust in this person you can begin to experiment. but do make sure this person is trustworthy ... someone who will stop if you suddenly realize ... hey, that seemed like much more fun in my head! (which can often be the case.) ... grins ...

have fun,
sunshine

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 13

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/21/2005 5:01:41 PM

Dracironsgirl

Posts: 175
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tennbutterfly

Having the desire to be a submissive, how does one learn the formalities of being a sub. Most Dom/Dommes won't play because I can't be clear on my limits...but I really don't know what I may or may not enjoy. I'm frustrated....and inexperienced... except for a little spanking.

what i could suggest here is to visit some awesome bdsm sites that have a mountain of info to learn from, in the begining it is always dark ...my mistake was to rush into seeking a Master before learning more about myself in the bdsm lifestyle. i'd be happy to send you some bdsm links if you care to inquire ...good luck on your journey. =)

_____________________________

~love a Man in control~

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 14

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/22/2005 7:19:21 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

tenn welcome to the boards and don't worry we all were new once. I agree with what others just leanr safely and slowly.

littleone

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 15

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/22/2005 8:02:32 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
I just found myself last February.
A big help to me was I read a lot of books about BDSM and am still reading them to help me decide what I thought I would like to try and what I didn't.
The most helpful were Different Loving, SM101, Screw The Roses Give me The Thorns, and the Ethical Slut.

I'd also say if you have any BDSM societies that meet around you it would be good to go to presentations.
There were many things I read I though would be hot, but once I saw them in real life I didn't like them any more. There were other things I'd even put on my hard no list that ended up being some of my really hot things I needed to try and liked once I did see the presentations.
It would be good to go to a public dungeon too. You could observe others playing and get some pointers from the subs there.

I'd recommend keeping a journal. In the front list things you find hot or fantasize about. In the back I'd write things you don't like or don't want to try.
Update the list as you go along.

As far as communicating with the Dom's you consider playing with, I'd tell them you're new, haven't tried much, but really want to try (fill in the blank here). If he's a good Dom knowing it's a new sensation for you, he'll take things slow and work them up till you figure out your limit with each component of play you try.

Hang in there hon. I too was very confused by most of my Dom friends not wanting to be the first to do something with me also.
Most of them wanted someone else to be the first to do something then they'd want to play that way with me if I liked it and wanted to try again.
I think they don't like taking the chance of possibly hurting you by accident in non-sexy ways.
Being you've no experience it adds to their desire to only do things you'd enjoy and grow under. Not things that freak you out and make you not want to see them again.

I know in time I got to understand my limits, likes and dislikes better.
You will too.
The funny thing is I think my limits change like the wind often. It seems my lists still change as far as likes, dislikes, fantasies, and hard limits constantly. I say keep a list in your computer and update it as things grow and change for you too.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 16

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/22/2005 9:30:59 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Puloma

Thank you Cloudz! I wasn't sure if I was suppose to know or not.

You are welcome. You cannot know if you like pumpkin ice cream or asparagus until you taste it. You may have some thoughts, hopes, and ideas...but the reality is far different from thinking about it...sometimes it is worse, sometimes it is delicious...you have to experience to really know.

Be well

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to Puloma)

Post #: 17

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/22/2005 9:41:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz
You are welcome. You cannot know if you like pumpkin ice cream or asparagus until you taste it. You may have some thoughts, hopes, and ideas...but the reality is far different from thinking about it...sometimes it is worse, sometimes it is delicious...you have to experience to really know.

Speaking as a picky fod eater I reserve the right to hate and avoid ALL foods I've never tried until either ordered to do so, forced into a social situation in which it would be rude not to, or a random blip of adventurism.

:)

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 18

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/22/2005 10:12:43 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

it is THIS kind of posting "I" am having difficulty with.

it SEEM in MY eyes.....

there is far far TOO much b.s. on fetish and sex and fantasy.

"I" look for........REAL life as a sub/slave fixing the clothes dryer like "I" have done........digging up the septic tanks..........as "I" have done. dishes, laundry, holy hell anything everything in REAL life.......

i realize too many NEW people are seeking stuff for play and protocols...etc.........
but WHERE are the training sites for telling subs/slaves HOW to do actual REAL life things??????

i find it SO absurd that "I" am the only one that has asked this Q since 2000 a.d.

good luck and take care everyone.

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to tennbutterfly)

Post #: 19

RE: Learning to Sub - 11/22/2005 10:25:52 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML
i realize too many NEW people are seeking stuff for play and protocols...etc.........
but WHERE are the training sites for telling subs/slaves HOW to do actual REAL life things??????

They are all over. Libby attended a Chinese cooking school recently. Rio has taken courses in foot massage and pedicure because Libby really enjoys foot play. Smiler is involved in a correspondence course for house managers (butlers).

Even doms need to learn sometime of those things you keep harping on as "real world" (as if the rest were not somehow real too) and I took a course a year ago that led to my being licenced as a Certified DeLeader. (We'd purchased an older house as an investment.)

Sure most of these training course aren't online, but I have my doubts about almost all "online training" anyway. Each of us went out, found an appropriate person/school, paid our fee and learned.

Instead of whining about what's missing in your life and critizing how others lead theirs, get out and seek what you want. It's there.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to veronicaofML)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Learning to Sub

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094