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If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 10:10:50 AM

Daes

Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline

I've seen situations where the Dominant is free to have multiple partners with or without his sub or slave - where the sub/slave is Aware of his actions (no lying). In some of these relationships there is a rule which says the Dom can sleep with whoever he wants, whenever he feels like it and his sub/slave cannot? I'm not talking about some casual play partner, but His/Her sub/slave.

How does that work? Or if you've Had this kind of relationship, what happened?

The thread itself could possibly start flames but its not my intention, I understand everyone goes about their relationships in a way that works for them - I just thought I'd get opinions on a subject that I understand little about. I've seen the damage these relationships can do but I am sure there must be some positive experiences somewhere. Anyways, do share.

_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

Post #: 1

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 10:40:26 AM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

In our relationship DV is free to do whatever He wishes to whomever He pleases, with both my knowledge and my support. It has always been on the table that He will not be exclusive to me, and if I had a problem with that then fine, I knew where the door was. It is even understood that I will take a helping hand in finding and enjoying any other women He decides to enjoy. In fact if you want a long bun fight of a thread on this topic, put "Procurement" through the search function.

I do not have freedom to do whatever I want with whomever I choose. I am free to find women to play with, and after securing permission for each and every play session, I am very generously given permission to play with women only. That will likely change when Dv and I are no long LDR.

I am certainly very positive about this arrangement, I am happy that He has women to be with when I cannot be there and am very blessed that He allows me to play with women when I cannot be with Him. ... Big thumbs up from me.

< Message edited by softness -- 8/12/2008 10:42:34 AM >

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 2

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 11:19:30 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

In our household, our bond-servants' (new term for us... I like it~!) sexuality is completely controlled by myself and my Darling. They are in chastity unless we say otherwise, and are forbidden sexual expression with anyone except for my Darling (or me, but I'd rather have blood than sex -- I know... weird.) My Darling and I, OTOH, can take lovers where we choose -- my Darling has even had some vanilla lovers off and on -- and one of them actually 'got it' about the way we live and hung around for years, even though he was pretty much completely "vanilla-poly".

It has worked out very, very well for us, though if one of our servants were to find someone that xhe wanted to have a full relationship with, including sex, we would probably release the 'bond' or allow hir to re-claim hir contract (in part or in full -- for example, if everyone agreed, we'd still welcome the person as a collared servant, and still scene with hir -- just not as a bond-servant). We've done this with a couple of our servants, and we believe that it opens up opportunities.

Technically, I think most people would consider this a form of polyamory.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 3

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 11:30:13 AM

joyfulmalcontent

Posts: 19
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline

i cannot do this type of lifestyle. for those that can, more power to you. it's not for me.

if he can play with anyone, then i can too. if he's supposed to be enough for me, you can sure as hell bet i better be enough for him. he's my number one and i'm his or there's nothing.

peace, everyone, this isn't a rant against it, this is me being me. if it works for you, i got no problem with it.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 4

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 1:15:38 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

In our situation, we are both free to seek other partners provided we are completely open, honest, and move at a pace everyone is comfortable with. Valyraen has chosen not to seek other partners while I have. For a very short time, I dated another woman and, while there weren't issues regarding the poly, things between her and I did not work out.

Edited to add: We are also both free to play outside the relationship provided the above requirements are met. I play with others fairly often.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/12/2008 1:16:47 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 5

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 4:57:46 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Ds = double standard, the dom has authority and privileges which the sub does not. The sub presumably enters the relationship knowing full well of these limitations and embraces them as fulfilling for him /her.

While I used to be in those relationship, ultimately they were not fulfilling for me. Much better now is my open situation- where we can all do whatever we want with whoever we want.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 6

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 5:19:03 PM

patina

Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline

One of the reasons i returned my collar was it was a poly house. But I think it was more of a personality clash between me and one other girl that was the biggest problem and the long distance. Maybe if i had been able to live with him too it would of worked out.

I know i prefer a single household, but I do not expect him to never be with another female, I fully accept i will not be with other males. Unless he tells me too, which i have mixed emotions on. It does not bother me as it is the way it is to be, especially in the Gorean way. Which i have realized i prefer.

patina

_____________________________

a diamond in the rough

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 5:20:55 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

We both have outside situations now and then -- there are some loose and simple rules that govern that for both of us. While they are different, they are still fair and work for us. Ours is not a strictly D/s type relationship but rather a partnership with some D/s components.

I tend to form relationships before I engage with others -- not necessarily romantic ones, but I form relationships; hence during our relationship I've had one (that existed before she showed up) and now have a different one building. She has, on the other hand, probably had 8 or 10 sexual partners or similar (I don't keep track). I'm not sure I'd be comfortable if her approach was like mine. She's comfortable with my approach. All of this happens above board, we share what each other wants to know. I tend to share a bit more sometimes, just because I give what I'd like to get back.

So, we're not anyone anytime for anything -- we both have the right to voice objections.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 8

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 6:08:31 PM

DarkVictory

Posts: 247
Joined: 8/7/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: joyfulmalcontent

i cannot do this type of lifestyle. for those that can, more power to you. it's not for me.

if he can play with anyone, then i can too. if he's supposed to be enough for me, you can sure as hell bet i better be enough for him. he's my number one and i'm his or there's nothing.

peace, everyone, this isn't a rant against it, this is me being me. if it works for you, i got no problem with it.

Yeah, that's that whole equality problem. The problem is that D/s inherently is unequal. Yet, there are those that refuse to be in any unequal or power exchange relationship. I don't call those relationship D/s. They might be T/b, but they sure as fuck aren't D/s or M/s in the definition set I use.... your mileage may vary.

(in reply to joyfulmalcontent)

Post #: 9

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 6:09:49 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

We keep a monogomous household.

PL

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 10

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 6:47:48 PM

tuff2break

Posts: 13
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline

i know now, at this point in my life, that poly in any form, is not for me. the dom wanting another "sister" or a second or a harem or whatever, whether we all play together or not, doesn't cut it for me. having partners outside of each other, again playing separately or not, not my thing. if it works for you, knock yourself out. i don't want any part of it.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 11

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/12/2008 6:52:59 PM

greenearth21

Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daes
I've seen situations where the Dominant is free to have multiple partners with or without his sub or slave - where the sub/slave is Aware of his actions (no lying). In some of these relationships there is a rule which says the Dom can sleep with whoever he wants, whenever he feels like it and his sub/slave cannot? I'm not talking about some casual play partner, but His/Her sub/slave.
How does that work? Or if you've Had this kind of relationship, what happened?

A relationship where my partner can have other lovers and I dont is just not going to work. The idea of an equal open relationship does not bother me one bit, and the same goes for a strictly monogamous relationship. I am not a jealous person by any means, but as long as there is an understanding of the nature or dynamics of the relationship, I wouldn't mind it. I have never been in such a relationship as you mention, primarily because those rules don't work for me.

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 12

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 12:14:40 PM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

We are a completely mongamous relationship as Master is very possessive, something which in the past has not been something I've been comfortable with but on Him just melts me. My previous relationship was open for play but not sex as it was a vanilla relationship but my then partner was comfortable knowing that the limits that we had would be respected by all parties involved.

Personally I think that's the key - that all parties agree to whatever limits people choose to place on these sorts of issues within their relationship and respect those limits once agreed.

For me personally my current configuration fits me best, i can be wholly confident in Master's feelings about me, He is completely confident in my feelings for Him and the majority of the time i am treated as His equal intellectually (even though our day-to-day is very much that His is the only will that matters), this makes us both very happy and content. Whilst i appreciate others' relationships are set up differently this doesn't really concern me, after all that's why they are in their relationships and i am in mine :)

(in reply to greenearth21)

Post #: 13

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 3:05:41 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

In my relationship Master has stated we play either as a couple or we don't play with others. With that said, he is currently re-examining the whole sharing thing so don't know where that will land once he makes a decision.

(in reply to Deliena)

Post #: 14

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 4:19:18 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

My husband and I were poly before we got married and that didn't change when we got married. We have always very slowly and purposely added in new members.

If one is really poly by nature and is willing to put in the work, frankly the benefits for us far outweigh any risks or work.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 15

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 4:47:52 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

~FR~

Wow, so many thoughts are circling around all at once in response to your question. I'll try to summarize and still make sense

.

Prior to becoming Master's property, I had never been in any relationship where I was monogamous. I had only been in less formal relationships where I was never only with my partner or I was married to my ex and (for many, many reasons I'm not going into here), I was unfaithful. If I wanted to become involved sexually with someone who was interested in me as well, I always just did, basically.

When I entered into this relationship with Master, it was understood and mutually agreed upon that I would not have sexual relations with any other men from that point on and only with women with His approval and permission. It was also understood and mutually agreed upon that, at any point that He chose to, He could and would enter into whatever relationships He chose to with any other women He wanted to. The first part about me having no other relationships wasn't as difficult for me to agree to as the part about Him having other women (with or without me knowing and/or present). That took some thinking but, in the end, that's how it was to be if I wanted Him. He wasn't going to change His thoughts on it. I respected the fact that He was honest and upfront about that being what He expected and wanted. I was not pressured. I freely made my choice.

It took awhile for me to get used to the idea and I've written about it here before. I was insecure. There's no two ways about it. I had never been in a D/s relationship before and had never been in a relationship before where I had to be monogamous but my partner did not. Well, my ex-husband thought that's how it worked but he was wrong

. I had been unfaithful to him but had and still have no desire to be so within this relationship with Master. There is nothing Master could have done to "force" me to not be insecure. It simply came with time. As I settled into His love and mastery of me, that insecurity just eventually dissolved. The thought of Him with others is a total turn-on now, not a threat or fear. The irony is, however, that His desire to be with others has now significantly diminished. I think I want it more now than He does. But.....if the right one came along.....I'm sure He'd give in

. Over time, my desire for Him to be with others and for a poly family has increased exponentially and I'm certain it's because my insecurity has vanished.....................luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 16

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 5:37:07 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

I'm poly.

All of my relationships to date have been based on the idea that they would not be exclusive.

I find, as long as there is clear communication going in as to what the set up will be, either people accept that, or they don't. I tried to have a relationship with someone who was insisting on monogamy... it never got off the ground, I wasn't true to myself, and he was far too controlling. (In terms of limiting me as a person, as opposed to in a D/s sense)

It's strange, sometimes, being with a former partner of mine, who is also poly, and watching him try and juggle various relationships with people who would rather be (or who are) monogamous. I had to ask today if I was as stressful as they are when we were together. Blissfully I got the answer "no".

Poly just come naturally to me.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 17

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 5:40:30 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I know of a woman who has this sort of relationship. Except she doesn't want to know who he's doing, she won't meet them, give her permission etc. She's monogamous and he isn't. They've found a way for both to get their needs met.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 18

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 6:11:46 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Well me and Master are monogamous in the sence we dont have sex with anyone but each other. Im his only play partner, but me on the other hand. I have a Leather Sir, who has a girlfriend and wife, My own sub, and 3 play partners i bottom or top to depending. feeds my need for public play, keeps things from getting stale in the "ok so NOW what kind of play can we do?" Gives me an outlet for my sadistic side, and also lets me experience say different types of play Master has little or no interest in. May seem greedy on my end, but hes happy to see me have what I want from my play partners, and since He isnt Leather, I get that from my Leather Family, and Master is happy to see me expanding and growing in that aspect. It works for all us, its pretty damned perfect if I say so myself, and they seem to think so too.

< Message edited by Sunnyfey -- 8/17/2008 6:12:34 PM >

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Resident Hell Cat

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Post #: 19

RE: If Y/you have Others besides your Dom/sub - 8/17/2008 8:35:27 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

i am a married and a submissive not to the same person. i did not seek a poly family but for U/us it works i need to get permission to play with another lifestyle person from my M'Lady and my wife. my M'Lady had a husband as well i am respectfully to him but not submissive. this arraignment is not for everyone and each one is different. both M'Ladys husband and i are in the army and subject to deployments and separations. for myself it works very well as now there are two family's to love and be with.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 20

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