When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing?

When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (Full Version)

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RedStilettos -> When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 5:35:04 PM)
I want to lose weight. Master wants me to lose weight. He gave me a goal to hit before we go on vacation the end of October, which will be a bit of a stretch, but possibly doable. But it just seems as though every little fluctuation is met with a disapproving facial expression or sigh. He knows this has been a lifetime issue for me, but I want to do well for Him. I have lost 19 so far, with 11 to go. But it just seems the more i lose the more He pushes. I have talked to Him about it and He just says that is His way of being supportive. Am i just being hypersensitive? Do i need to thicken my skin a little?

kolekorin -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 5:39:56 PM)
To give you a good response I would have to know a little bit more about your relationship. Were you seeking somebody strict and stern? If so, he is not out of line. If you went into the relationship with the understanding that you had some elbow room to do as you saw fit, then yes, he is overbearing. Either way, wether or not it's smething you agreed to or not, if YOU do not like the dynamics of your relationship, talk about it.

kiwisub12 -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 5:42:29 PM)
Wow - weight issues for women are such an emotionally loaded issue. Even though you presumably asked for , and received "help" from your dom, there is a really good chance that you are taking his reactions to mean more than he is intending. Unless he is dictating and standing over you as you eat, i think you may need to ask him to relenquish control over this issue. He really can't control you unless you are in his sight 100% of the time - and even then you may find ways to illicitly eat. Since this issue seems to be damaging your relationship, you need to renegotiate this aspect of your relationship.

windchymes -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 5:49:55 PM)
Have a conversation with him and tell him that positive reinforcement is just as much, and probably more of a motivator than disapproval for a minor setback. Also remind him that it's very normal for women to plateau from time to time when losing weight, due to hormonal fluctuations, water weight, that time of the month, etc. Losing two pounds a week is an AVERAGE weight loss, most people don't actually lose two pounds every single week. Since it sounds like your goal is to lose thirty pounds and you've already lost nineteen [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif] maybe he would benefit from a little visual aide. Go to the grocery store and buy thirty one-pound packages of butter or margerine. (Buy a cheap generic brand) Stack nineteen of them up in front of him so that he can see what you've actually lost. And every time you lose a pound, throw another package on the pile. If you go a week and only lose a half a pound, grab two sticks of butter and throw them on the pile. It helps put all the loss in perspective!

SimplyMichael -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 5:58:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedStilettos I want to lose weight. Master wants me to lose weight. He gave me a goal to hit before we go on vacation the end of October, which will be a bit of a stretch, but possibly doable. But it just seems as though every little fluctuation is met with a disapproving facial expression or sigh. He knows this has been a lifetime issue for me, but I want to do well for Him. I have lost 19 so far, with 11 to go. But it just seems the more i lose the more He pushes. I have talked to Him about it and He just says that is His way of being supportive. Am i just being hypersensitive? Do i need to thicken my skin a little? You are succeeding but not feeling him sharing your success. Yeah, in my opinion, that sucks. Support should make you feel better, not worse, especially when you are doing well. Sounds like he lacks the skill to be supportive, doesn't make him an asshole, but it does mean he has something he should be doing while you lose weight.

ProtagonistLily -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 6:20:13 PM)
quote: I want to lose weight. Master wants me to lose weight. He gave me a goal to hit before we go on vacation the end of October, which will be a bit of a stretch, but possibly doable. But it just seems as though every little fluctuation is met with a disapproving facial expression or sigh. This is not a situation I would thrive in. I took it upon myself to begin to do something about my weight earlier this year, and he has been nothing but encouraging. He's been a resource to me in many ways, and I can honestly say he has never, ever made me feel insecure, or less than, nor has he been outwardly passive agressive like your Master appears to be behaving by your explanation. He has made suggestions on things, like "Do you really want to eat X?" or other such things, but he's taken responsibility and made his feelings known. That sighing bullshit I really have no respect at all for and could not live in that situation. But, maybe that's just me. quote: He knows this has been a lifetime issue for me, but I want to do well for Him. You might as well forget about doing it for him - even if you continue and meet your goal, without doing it for you, then you won't keep it off and it will just be something that will come between you. He'll feel like you didn't achieve the goal, and you'll feel like you didn't please him. You gotta do this for you, trust me on this one. quote: I have lost 19 so far, with 11 to go. That's no small achievement, that's awesome for you - but do it for you. quote: But it just seems the more i lose the more He pushes. I have talked to Him about it and He just says that is His way of being supportive. My Sir is very fit and takes very good care of himself. I have struggled with my weight all my life and am just now beginning to understand what I can really have if I continue to become more fit and make this lifestyle change. I am not on a diet - diets don't work. My greatest benefit is that I can do things with him more than before. I can keep up and it allows us to spend time together doing fun things. quote: Am i just being hypersensitive? Do i need to thicken my skin a little? If it bugs you it bugs you - the thickness of your skin doesn't really have anything to do with it. Personally, I think you are getting signs and signals and you gotta ask yourself - Am I the kind of person who believes in signs? Only you can answer that. PL

Quivver -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 6:45:38 PM)
First off, Congrats on the weight loss ... 19 pounds is quite an accomplishment! [sm=cheerleader.gif] His way of supporting you isnt working for you too well, and No, I dont personally think a thicker skin is going to make a difference. Possibly he just doesnt understand how hard it is for Women to loose weight, Hell ... he's a guy after all and it seems they can damn near wish it away for themselves. I'd suggest finding words he understands (yes back to communicate, communicate, communicate) and let him know the effects of the push or scowl. He doesnt need to answer you, but at least He will be aware of the small hurts that could ruin the big picture.

simpleplan2 -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 6:50:17 PM)
19 pounds rocks! I so feel your pain. I have a friend who, every time he sees me, he pinches my belly and says "You're getting there..." or "When you gonna lose the rest of the weight?" I want to kill him! I finally just told him to knock it off. He'd be much better served by saying something like "Wow! You look really good" and then shut the hell up. Not add..."Just think of how much better you will look when you lose X pounds."

DarkSteven -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 7:00:20 PM)
I wish I knew how to deal with that. My ex had weight problems her entire life. When pregnant, she gained eighty pounds and never lost any. She bought an exercise bike. Never used it. She threw out the exercise bike to make room for a rowing machine. Never used it. Every six months she'd start something else up and drop the effort in a few weeks. I didn't know how to be supportive after the first few failed attempts.

AquaticSub -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/12/2008 7:28:48 PM)
Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know what your owner is actually saying so I really can't judge. My opinion is that weight loss is so personal that the people encouraging really need to take their cues from you. If you feel like you are pressured and it isn't helping, maybe he should back off a bit. Applying too heavy a hand can hurt rather than help. Edited to add: I don't know how I missed it but you definately need to talk to him about the disapproval. It's normal for weight to up and down a little bit because of water weight. It might be useful to talk to a doctor and present him with that information. I don't think making you feel bad about any minor weight gain is going to help you, only discourage you. A lot of times a person can feel like "Well I've already gained back two damn pounds, might as well add the family size bag of chips to it cause he's mad at me anyway!".

MasterFireMaam -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/13/2008 3:02:00 AM)
Being overweight usually comes with a huge pile of triggers. We often use our weight as an emotional shield. It's actually possible that the more you loose, the more you feel vulnerable and are thus more sensitive. But, that doesn't mean that how he's handling it the best way, either. Master Fire

RavenMuse -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/13/2008 3:17:09 AM)
you are His, that is the way He chooses to deal with it... why then are you on a public forum complaining about Him....what would He think about your actions here? If you have a problem, you take it to Him, you accept His answer or you walk. If you are not just about to walk away then you need to look at your actions and motivations.

softness -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/13/2008 4:49:44 AM)
Weight loss is a very delicate issue .. what am I saying .. its a pigging minefield. Dominants like to think that because they can control everything about you, that they should and that they have the equipment to do so. This is often not the case and when dealing with a sensitive issue like weight loss, it can make matters worse and not better. It is nothing against his Domliness to point out that he does not have the skills to support you in this, it doesn't make him less of a Dominant. I am a brittle asthmatic, my health takes a lot of careful monitoring, and needs to be handled in a certain way, DV does not have the equpiment right now to do that monitoring as well as I do, it doesn't make Him less of a Dominant to admit that. (In fact in my opinion it makes Him a better D because He does admit it, and doesn't blindly take control of a situation He can't manage) If what he really desires is for you to lose the weight, and his current way of supporting you is being counter-productive, tell him so. BUT ALSO go to him with a solution, not just a problem. Go to him and say "You being positive keeps me positive, and that really helps me, you being negative doesn't, we both want me to succeed so lets find a way of making that happen together. For example why dont we ....." If he reacts like a total dick, when you ahve gone to him calmly, respectfully and constructively with a desire to improve your relationship. Well, that tells you everything you need to know about him doesn't it Well done with your success so far (remember YOU lost the weight not him) and best of luck with where ever you decide to head from here!

DesFIP -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/13/2008 2:58:47 PM)
If his constant disapproval is making you turn more to ice cream for emotional comfort, then you need to tell him that his way of encouraging you is actually setting you up to fail. If his emphasis on what you look like over how you feel and how distanced and unloved you now feel is more important to him, then you know that he doesn't really care more about the relationship than he does about having a hot girl on his arm to impress others. Basically, if what he is doing isn't working, then you need to tell him that. Up to and including shouting red every time he demeans you for not being as thin as Angelina. Because it is apparent that he doesn't understand the complex emotional reactions that exist with women and weight issues, moreover that he's too lazy to bother learning about it. What happens after you lose the weight? Do you have to get a tummy tuck or a breast augmentation? His focus is totally on the superficial which is entirely the wrong thing to do.

RedStilettos -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/13/2008 4:55:42 PM)
Wow, first of all thank you to all of you that have taken the time to lend an ear and an opinion. windchymes: that is an awesome idea. If not for Him, even for myself, thank you! DarkSteven: i have to say i love Your quote, and hope i can raise my son to feel the same way smiles. Master Fire Ma'am, yes, it is due to the emotions that i have gained weight. I have always used food as my crutch and my shield. Some days food is the only one that i know will be there for me. Master has done a good job in shoring up the esteem issue, but i still regress at times. Stress triggers are the worst, but am trying to break cycles i have had in place for ....since as long as i can remember. RavenMuse: with due respect may i disagree please? my personal thought on that is i need to take it to Him. if it still it not right for me, perhaps further communication is necessary? i do not wish to walk away because of one answer that isn't right. I was hoping for input, did not mean to sound like i was whining. But i do understand Your stance on the issue, Sir. softness: you remind me of my very best friend. that is completely something she would say...thank you. DesFIP: He keeps telling me i am the "total package", so ultimately i think in His own mind He really FEELS He is being supportive, but it just isn't helping me. I have a LOT more weight to lose, after the initial 30. To all: Sometimes i get angry. Sometimes at Him for not telling me what i need to hear at the time, and other times at myself for getting upset. I mean, i am the one that asked Him for His help and His suggestions. It is hard to not eat when that is what i am used to. He can be very sweet. I am a complete and utter ice cream whore. I chose, on my own, to not eat ice cream until i hit the initial 30# mark He gave me. Which will hopefully be before our vacation in October. As a treat when i hit a double digit loss, He did not buy ice cream, but did buy me some fat free yogurt as a surprise dessert for dinner one night as a treat. So no, He is not a complete ogre when it comes to my weight loss. Just not supportive in all aspects either. I am hoping for a combination of thicker skin, additional communication, and maybe just a little less "hmmmm'ing" when i step on the scale. I do, after all, truly care for this Man. But LORD why can't i lose this faster? wry smile

scarletsub1975 -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/14/2008 2:58:49 AM)
Just for a minute consider how it would be if no remark was made - good or bad. I assure you that would feel a lot worse! Interest and an attempt to encourage, drive and support is much better than total disinterest. I get what you're saying though and it feels bad enough when you step on and see no loss or even worse a gain without that being added to by another. You are doing soooooo well - but I have found ultimately you have to be your own motivator. It's so hard when things plateau or other things get in the way of exercise (which is pretty much all that now works for me), to be disheartened though will lead to giving up.... Don't do that, this is for you, others will benefit from your achievement because of it's impact on you. I know several in similar positions also move away from the scales for a period of time and revert to inch measurements - I know for me I can have weeks of no loss in weight but have lost inches....... anything that keeps things positive!!!! Good luck!

gordie452000 -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/14/2008 6:03:05 AM)
First of all, congratulations on losing so much weight. That's not easy. But on to your question. I have some experience with this, and it may have partially been responsible for my divorce. My ex had (has) a lifelong problem with weight. She was always trying to lose some. Her problem was that she lost the same 5lbs 50 times. Anytime she would lose some weight, I would say something like "Terrific. That's great. Keep it up." She heard nothing of the first two, and only the last part. That meant I was never supportive. I was always pushing her. It's what she heard, so that's what was reality. I saw it as encouraging, but she didn't. Make sure you talk about it. He may think he is being supportive and isn't. Conversely, think carefully about what he says and does. He may actually be supportive and you don't see it. Either way...talk.

UmbraDomina -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/15/2008 9:20:09 AM)
first awsome job on the current weight loss ........ secound a note to your master on something that worked for me...... My beloved hubbypet is over weight, but has lost 55 lbs in the last year or so.... one of the ways I have helped this along is he must earn orgasms with sit ups, walking, and such....... 250 sit ups earn him a orgasm, 5 miles of walking can earn him a orgasm... skip out on exercise for a week.... no orgasm. Loseing weight is a slow process, remember you didn't put it on in a month you won't take it off in a month. You should talk with your Dr. as well. Alexandra ~

maat -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/15/2008 12:14:56 PM)
UmbraDomina . thank you for this post. im kind of in the prosess of asking my Master for something like this. It will be great to come to Him with a few ideas. i find it easyer to do things for Him than for myself anyway.

findingherway -> RE: When does encouragement cross over to Overbearing? (8/15/2008 12:21:38 PM)
If it makes you happy to please Him and in end pleases You too..I see no problem...

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