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Boundaries - 11/20/2005 4:48:04 PM

Simian

Posts: 30
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline

Dear Mistress,

I am confussed about emotional boundaries in BDSM especially when old vanilla relationships between Mistress/sub become strictly BDSM again. I am at present entering into an unknown territory, where the Mistress is wanting me but still very much emotionally attached to an ex vanilla/slave. I can no longer fantaize about her because I see his anamtomy between us.

I am having second thoughts as some of the boundaries are blurred for me. I dont want to become emotionally attached or vanilla with a Mistress even if its been suggested as a possiblity, especially if she has a polyamourus lifestyle happening. I would prefer to keep my relationship with her as a Mistress/sub, but feel scared I may develop a deeper wanting.

Is it possible for a sub to not be overly attached to the Mistress?
How can I excercise a clear definative boundary between desire and self preservation?

I am romantically weak she likes this but I am afraid for my emotional wellbeing.
simian

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RE: Boundaries - 11/21/2005 6:51:30 AM

AlderTheKitty

Posts: 174
Joined: 10/3/2005
From: Oshawa
Status: offline

i am in the same boat but for me it's moving to fast.(i tend to wanna drop to my knees and serve when i find a domme i like lol which has never worked) but you have do be doing something you want to if you want to serve her then you serve her but talking to her about your fellings is the key to making things work

< Message edited by AlderTheKitty -- 11/21/2005 6:52:09 AM >

_____________________________

i am a strong person and will not be pushed around which makes my submission a special gift that few are going to receave

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RE: Boundaries - 11/21/2005 10:16:54 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I'm going to suggest something radical.

If you want a kinky relationship and your partner wants to go more vanilla, leave that relationship.

Regardless of your role, you have a right to get your needs fulfilled. If you bring up your needs and they are ignored, you have the right to walk out.

If you want or need to be monogamous and your partner wants or nees poly, you might not be a good match.

Remember this isn't ancient Rome or the antebellum South -- this is based on consent. You can legal withdraw your consent at any time and walk. It migth be difficult emotionally but frankly if you are feeling negative all ready, aren't you all ready doing emotional harm to yourself?

There's no magic line or rule, only what works for you and your partner. Both of you.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Boundaries - 11/21/2005 11:09:47 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

I am romantically weak she likes this but I am afraid for my emotional wellbeing.
simian
========

my heart goes out to you.......but "I" have no experience in romance in d/s.
i am unattached uninvolved. and i like it that way.

i think it is better if you just fess-up.///////
talking always helps in this world.
take care

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

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RE: Boundaries - 11/21/2005 8:39:28 PM

Simian

Posts: 30
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline

I have spoken to her, she is very giving of her time and has put a lot of effort into treating me with care.

I am very new to all this so its taking a little bit of adjusting.......I do reserve the right for myself to have a polyamourus life, as I can never say no to a sexy womin, it's impossible. Therefore I am just adjusting to the Mistress having males, which is totally within her rights.
I'm just a newbie learning to stretch my rigid synthetic social morals, I have heard womin are very flexible so I believe I can.
Thankyou all for your input
Goddess Bless xxx.

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RE: Boundaries - 11/24/2005 12:01:43 AM

MsHoney2you

Posts: 42
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Simian

Dear Mistress,

I am confussed about emotional boundaries in BDSM especially when old vanilla relationships between Mistress/sub become strictly BDSM again. I am at present entering into an unknown territory, where the Mistress is wanting me but still very much emotionally attached to an ex vanilla/slave. I can no longer fantaize about her because I see his anamtomy between us.

I am having second thoughts as some of the boundaries are blurred for me. I dont want to become emotionally attached or vanilla with a Mistress even if its been suggested as a possiblity, especially if she has a polyamourus lifestyle happening. I would prefer to keep my relationship with her as a Mistress/sub, but feel scared I may develop a deeper wanting.

Is it possible for a sub to not be overly attached to the Mistress?
How can I excercise a clear definative boundary between desire and self preservation?

I am romantically weak she likes this but I am afraid for my emotional wellbeing.
simian

IMO if you are unable to define the boundaries to keep yourself safe, then it's time for you to move on. YOU are the only one that knows what your triggers are. Your confusion is apparent and you already recognize your emotional wellbeing is in jeapardy, suggest getting to know yourself better, define for yourself what your needs are and what your triggers for 'red' zones are and do NOT settle. This is your life and your health is primary, as it should be for any owner as well.

Much peace of mind to you,
Ms Honey

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RE: Boundaries - 11/26/2005 10:23:45 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Is it possible for a sub to not be overly attached to the Mistress?
How can I excercise a clear definative boundary between desire and self preservation?

I am romantically weak she likes this but I am afraid for my emotional wellbeing.
simian
[/quote]

I agree completely with thetammyjo your needs must be met as well---you state that you are romantically weak, she may indeed be using this to keep you secure--I often find if a R/relationship is causing this much turmoil--it isn't right--you are a beautiful, talented person, who deserves consideration, nurturing, and attention--if it was vanilla would you stay?

As for the emotional attachment, that is often very hard if the B/bond is a good one, some kind of emotional attachment happens irregardless of our best intentions--"the soul would have no rainbow had the eye no tear"...look deep with in yourself, that simian is where the answer lies--

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Mistress Hathor

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RE: Boundaries - 11/26/2005 2:53:47 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Unless the rest of your life is going along very smoothly and simple to the point of being boring, I'd want to avoid any relationship(s) that messy and complicated. Sounds like you're stepping into a bundle of stress you don't really need. If you're not emotionally attached now I don't think you should wait till it's too late. Find someone who has room for you in their life and their play.

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Post #: 8