bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life

bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

smoky -> bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 9:21:38 AM)
Hi Everyone- I'm a relatively new sub. I've been playing online for a couple of years, but not in RL at all. My experiences online have been eye-opening, though, enough to keep me interested. I've been fortunate to know good, considerate Doms. I met one that headed in a direction I didn't like, and I broke it off. For most of my life I have been a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself. So submissiveness is a big change for me. Something odd happened to me a few months ago and is a good illustration of the things I am wondering about now. I was playing an online video game, and was in voice chat with the other people in my group. One of the men said to his dog (not turning his mic off) "GO LAY DOWN" in a very commanding voice. I almost went and laid down. Like my unconscious reaction was to follow the command and it took a moment of awareness to realize the command wasn't for me, and that it wasn't a BDSM situation. This affected me deeply. It doesn't feel safe to me to have those kinds of unconscious responses. I think it's pretty safe to say that 95% of strangers have their own interests at heart and it's not a good thing to unthinkingly be driven to following firmly-stated commands. Fortunately, I am a pretty centered person with a good head on my shoulders and doubt I will ever really run into trouble with it. The bigger question in my mind is just concern over the depth of effect of BDSM and what this is doing to my subconscious. My instinct now is to call all men Sir. I feel submissive most of the time, even when I am just doing my everyday things. I'm just not sure how I feel about that! I really doubt I will ever be a full-time submissive. I don't really want to. I have always thought I would be more of a "friday night submissive". That kind of relationship would be mostly vanilla with little twists of kink. I'm wondering and a little concerned about how BDSM will affect my ability to have vanilla relationships. And I wonder, the deeper I go into BDSM, will it be harder to get back out? Am I submissive now for life? I have no judgments at all about people who are kinky 24/7 for the rest of their lives. It if works for you, by all means do it. I just want to make that clear. I'm just not sure that is me. I just didn't expect BDSM to affect my subconscious so profoundly and it makes me nervous. Any insight? Thanks.

batshalom -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 10:36:52 AM)
Perhaps you fear that you are weak. Submissive does not mean weak ... well ... unless you want it to. Submissive, to me, doesn't mean submitting to any man that can growl out a command - there has to be a relationship there.Submissive, to me, means to fulfill a need to submit to someone stronger than I. Submission by itself is not a natural state for me, but I crave it, I crave the interaction with the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, you know? Whether or not you are "submissive for life" is up to you and your psyche. You can choose to be weaker-willed than others, or you can choose to get on with yourself. I suspect, however, that deep down you don't want to, somehow you dig that you're in this mindspace. ~shrug~ Inspect your own motives, inspect your own desires, and go with the flow. If you have a good head on your shoulders, as you say you do, then you have nothing to fear from anyone but yourself.

chamberqueen -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 10:39:34 AM)
Patterns establish themselves fairly quickly in people. Experts say it takes 7 times to develop a habit. This could be a good habit like brushing your teeth before bed, watching your calorie intake, or starting an exercise program. It can also be bad like reaching for a drink as soon as there is a problem. Your reaction is no doubt coming from practicing certain responses. It should only be a cause for concern if it appears that it will harm you or someone else. I was raised to call older men Sir - it hurts no one and is often smiled at. However, I do not feel the need to take any instruction from someone that I have no trust in. The initial urge may be there but it is contained. I am a slave, on call 24/7, and my Master has complimented me on how willingly and excellently I follow every command. However, if a stranger tells me to do something and I see no immediate reason for it I feel absolutely no compulsion to follow their wishes. It's all about keeping balance. Obviously your submissive chord has been struck and you found something pleasant in it, but if you prefer to be submissive only a small part of your time you don't need to worry about it taking over your entire life - unless you decide that you want it it.

softness -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 11:21:47 AM)
Recently a good friend of mine expressed an interest in finding out about "That shit you do at the weekends" ... after a few probing questions, and me checking she was actually ready for the answers to the questions she was asking, I told her. She asked because she had guessed I was into the kinky stuff ... she just had my orientation bang out. Quickly she discovered that this wasn't something that I did on weekends, that it was in fact something that entered into every part of my life. She has attended a few play parties with me, come along to munches, when she stays over at my home she see's me interacting with DV, and how my life revolves around my time with Him, she mixes with my BDSM friends, and even been out on a few dates with some kinky fellows and really enjoyed herself. She now complains that she is hyper aware of BDSM wherever she see's it, and that she is constantly having to lay the smack down on her submissive. She is hyper aware because it is new to her and she is still exploring it, just as you are. quote: For most of my life I have been a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself. So submissiveness is a big change for me. I really wanted to highlight this, being a submissive woman does not in any way mean you stop being strong or able to be independent. I am strong willed, independent, tough, self preserving, self sustaining and I am an Owned slave. Never think, nor let anyone tell you that submission is weakness. It isn't. Submission is a very subtle form of strength. It takes a while to find the balance between what you are discovering about your private desires, and what you are already to the world. It just becomes second nature after a while ... whether you do this at weekends or 24/7 ... when the newness rubs off .. you get delicious familarity

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 11:36:00 AM)
Part of the experience of BDSM is that it is powerful -- it reaches into our subconscious and awakens primal hungers, needs, desires -- but we get to choose. Like the thread about sadists, the same holds true for bottoms (since it seems like what you are looking for is the chance to bottom, and then set it aside and hold on to the vanilla parts of your life as your frame of reference). While this experience may be powerful and visceral, you still get to choose how you respond to it. You get to decide where your boundaries are ... AND you get to decide when (or if) you are going to let any of those boundaries slip away. Right now, you are getting to know a new aspect of yourself -- one that is quite evocative. It is fascinating and exciting. It's normal for this to get right down into your gut -- that's what it's supposed to do. My training in this way of life required -years- of submission as a full-time, bond-servant (to some in this life, they would call what I was a "no-limits slave")... no life outside of the service to my Keepers. For a while I fought it tooth and nail. Then, for a while, it consumed me, and I am fully a dominant personality. It can do that, when you yield to it at that level. However, when the opportunity came to pick up my own crop and move across the collar, I took it. It was a choice -- and to be honest, for a few months there, I was sorely tempted some days to return to my knees, even though even my -spirit- was screaming NO -- there was something deep inside that had been awakened, and did NOT want to go back to sleep. It can even happen to someone who is dominant at the core. The thing is, there is a part of you that is visceral, and a part of you that is cerebral -- a rational mind that helps you to determine how to behave. While the feelings may be there, and be very strong, and your instinct may be to give in to those feelings, you -still- get to choose (and you have responsibility for that choice). I have found that submissive individuals are very powerful -- and once someone lets them know that they can, in essence, be their own "master" until another circumstance that suits them better comes into being, they are able to make the decisions that are right for their own growth. Now.. right now, you see yourself as a "Friday-night submissive", and it is up to you to decide whether that is how you want the rest of your life to go, or whether you want to change that later on down the road -- nothing you choose today is bound in stone, and until and unless you abdicate the right to make a different choice by giving away your right to choose to someone else, you can adjust your experience to suit where you are as often as you need to. Calla Firestorm

OmegaG -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 11:48:46 AM)
I almost started a thread this morning, but didn't. Today we had a discussion about a movie that we now own. My tax deduction noticed it and asked what it was about and I told him. Later m'Lord pulled me aside and told me that he didn't think that the teen-sceen should watch the move as it had some BDSM undertones. There are a few other movies that I own that he feels the same about, thing is that my prodigy saw them before I had a name for how I am wired and all the symbolism that comes with it. The world is the same but somehow now I am being encouraged to be more prudish because my way of expressing my sexuality may cause problems. Because we "in the know" can see nuances in movies that others probably don't and m'Lord and I have had discussions before about this-- he feels I don't give people enough credit and I think he gives them too much. Why should I turn more prudish because I found my niche? I am still the same person as I was before, just with a definition and a lable. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.....

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 11:58:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OmegaG I almost started a thread this morning, but didn't. Today we had a discussion about a movie that we now own. My tax deduction noticed it and asked what it was about and I told him. Later m'Lord pulled me aside and told me that he didn't think that the teen-sceen should watch the move as it had some BDSM undertones. There are a few other movies that I own that he feels the same about, thing is that my prodigy saw them before I had a name for how I am wired and all the symbolism that comes with it. The world is the same but somehow now I am being encouraged to be more prudish because my way of expressing my sexuality may cause problems. Because we "in the know" can see nuances in movies that others probably don't and m'Lord and I have had discussions before about this-- he feels I don't give people enough credit and I think he gives them too much. Why should I turn more prudish because I found my niche? I am still the same person as I was before, just with a definition and a lable. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone..... It makes sense to me,and I concur. I couldn't deal with becoming prudish... my ex disagreed profoundly -- in a way, I tend to feel that this response in people is their own way of trying to keep their 'closet' -- they're afraid that someone may make the association between what someone sees, and what they do (or someone they are attached to does). You know what, sometimes, that's true -- people -will- make those associations. I'll be honest, depending on the age (and teens are the right age), our UMs catch the nuances and apply them to what they see -really- effectively. That being said, I decided I'd much rather have my UMs come to me and ask questions and give me the chance to let them understand the things they were seeing in the context of a healthy, loving home than having them see the stuff and feel too embarrased about my own practices to be straight with them. I'm not ashamed of who and what I am -- I don't feel the need to rub it in strangers' faces, but if you're going to be close to me, this is part of who and what I am, and I'd if someone close to me is ready to see, and to breach the boundaries to ask, I'm not going to act like I'm ashamed of it. Calla Firestorm

OmegaG -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 12:08:49 PM)
it's not even just the sexual stuff. I was doing something for m'Lord one day and my son wanted to know why. I explained that I like doing things for people I care about (same answer I would have given 10 years ago when I still liked doing things for people I cared about, just didn't know why) anyway, m'Lord thought that a more convoluted justified explination about paying back a favor or something would be better. Thing is with those kind of justifications (as I see it) I'm not creative enough to keep it going all my life.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 12:14:53 PM)
I don't see what's wrong with telling your son, you're doing ........ because you enjoy doing things for those you love. It's the truth and it does not scream bdsm or kinky sex, so If that was my partner telling me to give my son a big convoluted lie in responce to a question, well I'd tell him it's my son I will choose how I answer his questions.

RCdc -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 12:26:05 PM)
My first gut instinct on reading your post(and I am pretty happy with my gut) is to say to you to stop online interaction and get out into the world. Why? Because of this... quote: My instinct now is to call all men Sir. I feel submissive most of the time, even when I am just doing my everyday things. I'm just not sure how I feel about that! This quote shows me just how fantasy based your submission is and how potentially dangerous it is assuming that online interaction is the same as real time. And that is coming from an advocate of online relationships! Years ago, I walked chat rooms and saw the range of online procedures and protocols. What you are experiencing in them and the feelings this is bringing out of you, if used in real life, could place you in negative situations. And this - quote: For most of my life I have been a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself. So submissiveness is a big change for me. S-types are not weak, dependant females or males. To be (in this case) submissive - takes a great deal of strength and self awareness. It takes understanding of your desires and lines. It means being able to be independant so you can willingly transfere the authority of it to another person. For all you have written, my immediate reaction is that it isn't submission that is burying into your subconscious, it is the fantasy and protocols of online interaction. If you want to be able to deal with it, leave it behind and start living the realities of life and all that it has to offer. the.dark.

sublizzie -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 12:28:19 PM)
I've been thinking about this thread all day. When I first realized that I was submissive it was hard for me to accept. Then I finally did accept it and it was like a dam burst inside of me. I wanted to kneel in front of everyone and do whatever anyone said. I didn't, of course, because it wasn't logical to do so but the impetus was there. Now, I've calmed down a lot. I've played and explored inside myself and let the waters settle. While I have realized that I prefer 24/7 and am moving in that direction with my Dominant, that doesn't mean that your "waters" will find the same settle point. Explore. Enjoy. Keep your head screwed on straight and, in time, you'll figure out where you're the happiest.

FRSguy -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 1:03:29 PM)
All pretty hot huh!

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 1:09:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: smoky For most of my life I have been a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself. So submissiveness is a big change for me. i'm still the same (stubborn, independent, opinionated, etc) person who's submissive to her DaddyDom. i don't know what big change you're expecting once you've "discovered" your submissiveness but nothing changed upon discovering mine. quote: I really doubt I will ever be a full-time submissive. I don't really want to. I have always thought I would be more of a "friday night submissive". That kind of relationship would be mostly vanilla with little twists of kink. I'm wondering and a little concerned about how BDSM will affect my ability to have vanilla relationships. And I wonder, the deeper I go into BDSM, will it be harder to get back out? Am I submissive now for life? answering the hightlighted questions first - that's for you to figure out yourself. you control how far you want to go in BDSM and/or if you want to be submissive until the day you die. as for me, i'm submissive to Daddy and committed in our relationship til death do we part. i have no problems being kinky and living nilla. i'm a mother of 2, a journalist and radio personality, and have lots of vanilla relationships with those who have no clue i enjoy a good spanking on my ass. then there are others who know (like my co-workers at the radio station) because i chose to tell them. i wear my collars and other jewelry in public 24/7/365 ...even in front of my UMs. since i live in Chicago, collars and other BDSM jewelry is in fashion with the Goth/emo/new wave generation so i totally blend right in at any rock show.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 3:55:40 PM)
Give yourself time. Most newbies go overboard in one direction when they first start out and give themselves permission to explore. It's normal. Give it a few months or years and I bet you'll find a much better overall balance for yourself. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that strong/aggressive = dom while weak/passive = subm

DesFIP -> RE: bdsm's effects on vanilla and the rest of life (8/14/2008 7:47:10 PM)
You might find, as I did, that once I got into a d/s relationship my inappropriate submission stopped happening at weird times. Imagine a fountain that is pouring water. If there is no drain big enough for the volume of water, then the fountain will overflow. If there is a drain for it, then the water stays where it belongs. These days I'm submissive to one, and I don't need any other outlet for it. And yes, I started as a bedroom sub too.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

4.699707E-02