Prediction and D/s (Full Version)

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candystripper -> Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 2:43:06 PM)


Ever wonder, am *I* ever going to find a Dom, get collared, get my kink on, whatever your thing is?
 
I have.
 
I used to wonder ‘will I find someone who wants me?’ whenever I changed in health condition or financial strength or whatnot…but never for very long.  There has always been a posse on my ass…I have no doubt there always will be…up to the day I die.
 
Hell, I can become a coma patient and still…there will be a posse. Strange rangers indeed, but a posse nonetheless.
 
I suspect this is true for all women and likely all men…in fact I suspect it’s a function of being in humanoid form of any sort…a posse exists searching for you and generally well-able to find you.
 
Anyway, so next my little brain turned to the question ‘will I ever find anyone I want?’
 
Now it becomes more interesting.
 
After all, you can probably see the logic of this premise:
 
‘My odds of finding what I want go up dramatically if I know what that is.’
 
I only discovered there was such a thing as D/s a scant three years ago.  I’m not like some other members who were ‘unwittingly kinky’ prior to discovering D/s.  I’m pretty much a plain jane thinker, especially when it comes to sex.  Everything that informs my fantasy life or behavior, I have learned.  I’ve never ‘invented’ some new sex thing ‘unheard-of before in human history to my knowledge’.
 
So today, my learning curve about D/s is still steep.  For the foreseeable future, as a function of my learning curve, I will continue to grow deeply in ‘understanding what I want’ and concurrently my odds of ‘getting what I want’ will continue to climb.
 
Does this mean the odds will go from say, 50% to 75%?
 
1% to 2%?
 
There’s no way to know that.  But notice.
 
Even if the odds in my favor only change from 1% to 2%, that is still a 100% increase for me.
 
Based on the totality of my life experience, I strongly suspect my odds are neither extremely low nor extremely high, but somewhere near the mid-point range and that is where they will usually be.
 
So, I’m pretty optimistic I will ‘get what I want’. 
 
Will it turn out to actually be ‘what I want’? 
 
Will it ‘last’? 
 
Who can say?
 
I had an epiphany almost immediately after I got married…and I mean during the reception.  I realized I had no respect for my new husband.  I know now I should have stayed home, skipped the honeymoon, and sought an annulment as soon as possible.  Without respect for the other person, nothing *I* want may be had in the context of a relationship. Zip.  Nadda.    
 
One advantage of living to my ripe age is that I’ve learned from my own mistakes.  Nowadays, if I had the same kind of ‘aha!’ experience, and realized I had no respect for someone anywhere in my life, I’d boot their ass immediately and not give it a second thought.
 
Who’s to say what really goes on between any two (or more) people behind closed doors?  Seems to me, anyone or everyone is liable to wake up one morning, look at their Dom (or whomever) critically, and just commence packing his shit up for the soonest possible day he can move out.
 
Regardless of the depth of their bond, any collared submissive could ‘lose’ their Dom in the blink of eye, if only from accidental death.
 
People and circumstances are anything but static.  It is a function of being alive that we all face an uncertain future.
 
All of this is to say I don’t view collared submissives in what appear to me to well-settled relationships (and I know a few) with any envy.   The fact is, for me, the process of ‘finding what I want’ will not end until I die.  Either I will one day be collared or I will not…but if I am…either the relationship will grow or it will wither…one of us will likely die before the other…etc., and I know I may once again find myself uncollared.
 
Some time ago, I ‘lost my D/s cherry’ and engaged in ‘play’.  I have actually met a goodly number of self-described Doms, and plan to continue to.  Some impressed me as 'real' Doms, as *I* now define the term.  I have formed strong bonds with both Doms and other ‘types’ into D/s, each one quite authentic in their D/s 'role' IMO...and really...whose opinion other than my own matters *to me* when selecting people to include in *my* life?  All these people infuse my life and enrich it…and from each, I grow and learn in leaps and bounds.  About 'what it is I want'..and much more.
 
Some of what I have learned about ‘what it is I want’ occasionally scares me a little.  Any criteria mean some will not qualify and the apparent ‘pool’ of potential Doms shrinks.  At first blush, this seems to drive down my odds of success in finding and bonding with a Dom. 
 
For example, I need/want a Dom who is within shouting distance of me, age-wise. 
 
Whatever the reason may be, Doms in their 20’s or 30’s just don’t trip my trigger.  I can appreciate them as people, or think they’re gorgeous, or whatnot, but do I feel that ‘tug’? 
 
Nope.
 
So have my odds of success gone down, in fact?
 
Nope.  They cannot offer me what I want…so they cannot affect my odds.
  
As a person seeking something or other from the spectrum of D/s, I feel pretty good about my odds of succeeding in finding it sooner or later.
 
I think the same is true of most anybody, regardless of what they seek from D/s, and regardless of their characteristics or circumstances.
 
I just happen to think as well, that in one form or another, I will always be ‘finding what I want’ -- and that that too is true of most anybody into D/s.
 
candystripper
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



chamberqueen -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 3:48:59 PM)

I hate to be a theory spoiler, (well, actually it's my hobby), but I don't think that you need to know exactly what you want in advance.  The relationship I have found is better than anything I ever expected, but a large part of that was in the surprises that it held for me.  I enjoyed things I didn't think I would, didn't enjoy some I thought I craved, but found who I believe to be the perfect partner for me.  If I would have had a list of wants set in stone I would have missed out on a lot.



Missokyst -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 3:56:55 PM)

I agree.  I never knew what I wanted, I just played the hand which was dealt.
The one thing I have learned in life is few things are predictible.  I don't deal in odds.  I don't plan to succeed or fail.  I just do what it takes to make the best for my life.  I have had some great relationships.  I don't look for whats next.  If great stuff happens, fabulous!  If its bad I will deal with it. 
You have to find happiness inside you.  :) I got to see 3 squirrels running up a tree today so I am jazzed.  Life is more fun when you look around you.
Kyst



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 4:04:04 PM)

Had I held out for exactly what I wanted form D/s and not been willing to chage my ideas... I'd still be single.
Angel held absolutely no interest to me becsaue I had an idea of what I wanted from a D/s relationship and he didnt fit it. When we met, though, the chemistry was unmistakable on a personal level and I was wiling to make a few adjustments to make the rest of it work.
Had I not made that effort with Angel back then, I never would have met Fox either. The only reason I met Fox at all was becasue of how my relationship with Angel had evolved by that time. Fox is far more what I was looking for back when, a domestic and sexually involved partner with a romantic end to it. Angel never could or would have been those things. Luckily, I was happy enough with the person to look past the interest and make it work.

I think trying to find what you want in D/s is lowering the possibility of finding it to nearly null. Knowing what you would like, and finding a person who has the same interests, who you can respect and loe in some way shape or form is far more important. Any aspect of D/s can change over time. Love and respect are more lasting and far harder to find.

DV



DarkSteven -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 4:12:56 PM)

Candystripper, I'm with you all the way.

That's what I'm like, too.  I set a list of criteria for what I was looking for.  Some, like gender, were set in stone.  Some, like age, were good guidelines but could be flexible.  Then I waded out into the world to see how close I could some.  And there was the nebulous issue of chemistry, which was vital but impossible to predict beforehand.

Yeah, it does take a while, but it's really fun!



NeedingMore220 -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 4:27:22 PM)

quote:

I just happen to think as well, that in one form or another, I will always be ‘finding what I want’ -- and that that too is true of most anybody into D/s.



I think this is true for anyone who is actively engaged in living their life to the fullest, not just in D/s .  The day I stop learning what and who are 'out there' to explore is the day I'm ready to kick the ole' bucket. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 4:29:37 PM)

Wow Pink, this may be the first time you've ever made a relevant and cogent post on this website.  Kudos.




StrongSpirit -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 4:30:01 PM)

I agree in principle that the more knowledge you have about yourself, the better your chances.
But also, you need to know about who and what is out there.

It does no good to look for a bird in a deep sea fishing net simply because you read that once in a while, they get caught in them.




Prinsexx -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 5:24:00 PM)

Sometimes i feel i get too much of what i want and not enough of what i don't...it's a masochist's kind of thing........



candystripper -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 5:24:25 PM)

Very interesting comments so far.  Thank you all for them.
 
I did not post this Op looking for anything for me.  Not advice, not validation, not even attention.  In fact I rather expected it would be pretty much a big yawn and few would ever read through the entire Op.
 
I'm not exactly sure why I posted it. I guess it's for good karma.  I thought maybe, somebody might read the Op, and their pessimism might lift a little.  I think most anyone who has been on CollarMe has, at one time or another, felt a *twinge* or two that maybe the whole biz of D/s is fruitless for them, regardless of how deep the hunger may run.
 
Whatever it may be that 'I want' from D/s, it's very hard to find the right words that capture the want/need, never mind communicate en masse here on the boards.  Though there are things 'I know' I don't want that fall inside the D/s rainbow, like say, a partner who is a sadistic Dom,  expressing what 'I want' is much harder.  And, yes, I concede that even what 'I know I don't want' is not carved in stone.
 
I never, ever know what to say when a Dom asks me, 'so what are your interests in D/s?'  Not every single last man who asks this is a jerk, and for all I know, Mr. Fabulousity-for-me will say exactly this as his opening salvo.
 
I know what most Doms expect to hear in reply:  I like bondage, yadda yadda yadda.
 
But it really doesn't work like that for me.  Yes, there's stuff that sure does look like a blast, and what 'play' experience I do have tells me, yupyupyup, certainly wanna do that a lot. 
 
The problem is, nothing 'sounds' like any fun unless the man doing them to me is (string of adjectives here), and the circumstances are (same damned there here)....and so on.
 
I guess my 'hunger' for D/s is metaphysical.  That's the closest I can come to saying 'what it is I know I want' with just a turn of phrase.
 
candystripper
 
 



MzMia -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 9:47:35 PM)

Great thread from the now purple one! [:D]

I would venture to say for many people, the past is a great
indicator of what the future will hold.
In order to prevent many of our past relationship problems, we need
to be able to tune into reality and not just what we want or need.
 
 
I have found that the higher your expectations, the longer
it seems to take for many of us to find a "suitable" partner, especially those of us
interested in long term relationships.
 
Key words being-----"suitable" and "partner" and "long term".
I hope you enjoy your life to the fullest "in the mean time", because life
ultimately is about how you live each and every day.
Isn't that all any of us ever really have?
[:D]



Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 9:56:16 PM)

It's extremely difficult to predict when you will met somebody.

There's an ironic expression about it happening when you least expect it or are looking for it.

I wish somebody could explain why it is, when one is involved with somebody people seem to come out of the woodwork at you.   Just appearing left and right when one is not looking.



stella41b -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 10:30:05 PM)

What an interesting OP, thank you.

Perhaps like most people my Inbox generates a fair amount of 'traffic'. But, pretty much as I'm doing currently with my theatrical endeavours, I'm holding out. But for circumstances I would be over 6,000 miles from where I am today happy and settled. As it happens I'm still happy, but not so settled. There has to be something more. Though I'm not a perfectionist I know the difference between almost, close and 'this is it'. It's not so much 'if' but rather 'when' and 'who'.

From my own perspective as a submissive, I'm grateful for the three things I learned:

1. Self-discipline and obedience. This may seem obvious, but without these two things you never get anywhere as a submissive in BDSM. Discipline from my Dominant is always second best. In fact it's failure from my own personal perspective.

2. Not living in the future. I cannot live in a future which doesn't exist, and I have no wish to live in a future which may or may not exist. The future contains my dreams, desires, ambitions, my wishful thinking, my hopes, but my life is pretty much in the here and now.

3. How to make a good cup of tea. Making coffee is making a drink, but making tea is a ritual and this together with the Polish language is what I brought back from the East. I place my tea-making abilities higher than my maid service 'party trick' which is to be able to balance a tray laden with an entire dinner set of crockery, cutlery and sauce bottles on the four fingers of my left hand and be able to carry it through a house negotiating stairs and a doors. This is my favourite mindfuck for dominants who watch everything go onto that tray and who anticipate the crash which so far has never come.



GreedyTop -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 11:13:47 PM)

I don't think I've ever had a preconcieved notion of who/what I'm looking for..

and I agree with LA.. well done, pink..



candystripper -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 11:15:14 PM)

ROFLMAO at 'mind f**king a Dom'.
 
candystripper



Leatherist -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/14/2008 11:41:43 PM)

Wish in one hand, shit in the other-see which gets filled first.

Thinking you WANT something is one thing-working to make it happen-an entirely different thing.



Prinsexx -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/15/2008 1:10:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

 
I'm not exactly sure why I posted it. I guess it's for good karma.  I thought maybe, somebody might read the Op, and their pessimism might lift a little.............
I guess my 'hunger' for D/s is metaphysical.  That's the closest I can come to saying 'what it is I know I want' with just a turn of phrase.
 
candystripper
 
 


And as for karma......
my understanding of karma is that it represents what we think we have comtrol over but yet we don't....it's THE spiritual paradox. My understanding of it goes further; that we can, in action and practice, only DO that part of the paradox to ensure as far as possible that we guarantee an understanding of our role within the equation.
(I re-cycle packages in the understanding that that is the best i know how within the overall scheme of things not to further pollute the planet. I do not own a car and walk whereever possible. I have not travelled on an airplane but twice in ten years, i rarely buy new, never buy gold, any jewellery is second-hand and i meticulously switch of all unwanted lighting, heating, appliances and standby lights. Thus might seeem outside the box of bdsm...if it is i like to think my bdsm has the same shaped box as my efforts at reducing carbon-footprinting.
That is to say; i have thus far walked. I have thus far been the one to divorce, release myself and to make reconciliation in the aftermath whereever possible. It might be seen to be connected to my orientation but this is not so. I 'walk' whenever i feel that there is greater harm being done to those ourside of my bdsm 'box' than the dynamics within it allow......
some inherent lie, uneccessary disruption to kids and family,  potential for physical and or psychological harm to myself or another outside of consent, sanity and safety.
It might look and feel like the contents of re-cycled 'stuff' shrewn around for a while but eventually after enough analysing, folding, collapsing, compartmentalising and washing (the analogy) it will abd does get sorted in the end.
If it's a prescriptive formula for what i want i don't know and am beginning to consider that what i want is both 1. not what i am going to get and/or 2. is not part of the greater picture or good.
The overall process i have called The Law of Reciprocity...i have no idea if i am the first to term it that here in my profile, and write about it or indeed if someone got there first. No doubt someone will Wiki it or Scirus it foir me and set that in stone.
(It's another hundred monkey syndrome probably).
All i do know is i trust what comes around goes around and  versa vice.
Any roads up, as they say where i come from; thinking relatioship of any sort is based solely on personal desire hasn't, doesn't and probably nerver will work. And thus far i am usually the one in my relationships who figured out that one of us figured that one out and i took responsibility for it no matter how much it hurt and no matter how much debris flew around temporarily.
Holding a relationship which works within a wider contaxt, i honestly believe, is ultimately one that is going to sustain. And i can still hold that to be true as a slave.
No amount of prescritive thinking on my behalf (or anyone else's....judgement) is going to make a jot of difference if there are greater forces at play.
No amount of marketing or surface packaging is going to make me think any more highly of the product....when i get to what's inside the box sometimes it's just better to recycle the bag and give the product to a charity where someone else can find value. And sometimes real gems are found in old paper bags which, had i not taken the time to sort and rummage through, i might have (again) disregarded. The paradox is that it's both and either.
Anyway i'm not giving myself up to, or feeding the forces of abuse.
But bowing down to karma is actually proving to be quite a useful position.



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/15/2008 2:14:46 AM)

I was hoping to be the first to tell you how insightful your thread is, but others have already done that. Their excellent responses contributed to your thoughts. When you are able to get down personal feelings and questions that connect to all of us on some level, it is affecting. We are all in transit together in many ways.



leadership527 -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/15/2008 7:10:53 AM)

Life is a journey, neh?  So you try to figure out which direction you want to go and you set foot on the path.  Sometimes, you find someone standing waiting for you in the middle of the path you're heading down.  Other times, someone pops out of the bushes and surprises you.  Every single person will not be who you had hoped to meet.  If you're lucky enough to meet them and attentive enough to notice the fact though,  they will be who you needed to meet.

One of my relationship theories is that nobody is "compatible".  At best, we meet another person and there is "good chemisty" and so we declare ourselves 'close enough'.  But in real life, for any two people, there will be zillions of places, some big and some small that they were not well aligned.  Even if that's not true, we all change over time.  The real question is not whether my wife and I are compatible.  The real question is do we desire to stay compatible over the long haul enough to consistently make decisions which bring us closer together rather than farther apart.

One finds what one finds... the real question beyond some basic level of acceptablness is what do you make of it.



quickened -> RE: Prediction and D/s (8/15/2008 7:42:47 AM)

quote:

Life is a journey, neh? So you try to figure out which direction you want to go and you set foot on the path.

"The Path Is The Goal."  Stumbling upon that particular quote many years ago stopped me in my metaphorical and metaphsycial tracks, and my approach to my own life, along with my attitude in general altered that day.  Candystripper, thanks for such a though provoking post, and thanks as well to all who have added to this thread. It really is delicious, grazing off road awhile, taking in the scenery, listening to the various sounds of the other restless natives here in this otherwhere just a bit left of normal space and time.There really is such freedom in no longer aspiring only to the destination, but absorbing and being absorbed by every wet, throbbing, aching, yearning moaning breath along the way.



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