Speed of commitment (Full Version)

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Pair4play -> Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 7:58:01 AM)

My gf and I are almost entirely a top/bottom couple, without power dynamics outside of play-space. We've begun considering finding a submissive/slave. In looking through profiles with these new characteristics in mind, we find ourselves astounded by the aparent swiftness with which subs/slaves often (obviously not always) put themselves "under consideration" and even list themselves as "collared" or "owned".

I guess what we wonder is what is the expectation or hope is on the part of a sub or slave with ragrds to the pace of a relationship. And what criteria must a dom or owner meet superficially to compel such a quasi-immediate selection? What sort of, for lack of a better term, "courtship" is realistic?

We're not trying to cast aspersions, on peoples' choices, but understand what the process is and whether we're necessarily even suited to this sort of relationship structure. Our ideal is less of a shattel-ownerships/de-humanized relationship dynamic and more of a family-member/favored-daughter (without the age-play or age-difference component) or -pet dynamic. I guess the idea is more where free expression of love and affection can flow in each direction more than what we imagine there to be (but admit we're naive to and possible mis-comprehend) in a strict ownership dynamic.



hopelessfool -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 8:10:02 AM)

I think some of the girls I cant say about how many but at least a number, are saying they are owned or collared, or not looking, to get rid of spam mail. I often at times when i do not feel I can take on a relationship place Im not looking which many seem to think means taken. I would simply go about it business as usual

I say Hi, how are you, hows your day. Many tend to enjoy a polite question over a "be my daddy so i can be your slut" messages. I try to be friends first.

But I would say simply keep your chin up, its hard to find the right one... let alone two.



Pair4play -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 8:19:24 AM)

Thanks for the encouragement. And the explanantion makes plenty of sense, actually, and we'd not considered that reasoning. Kind of like turning the ringer off on your telephone.

We aren't actually terribly discouraged, and neither are we in any sort of a rush. We have been through the poly washing machine quite a lot over the years, and we do at least have plenty of experience with how challenging it can be to find a person that fits snugly into multiple lives and relationships. And we also agree that a gentle approach generally works best. We're not sure we'd even be terribly interested in someone who is likely to respond positively to strangers who immediately insult, demean, or command them. That seems like a red flag of incompatability to us.



DesFIP -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 8:38:34 AM)

People who are not in a relationship but seek to be in one, are probably going to move a lot faster than someone who already has a solid relationship but is looking to add the icing to the cake. You have your partner needs met already, if you find someone tomorrow or two years from now, it won't really change things for you.

That isn't true for someone who really wants a partner and who will be willing to take a leap of faith and just try it, as opposed to you needing all the t's crossed and i's dotted ahead of time.

Consideration however can mean anything from we've just started dating but I'm not the type to be able to talk to a dozen different potentials at the same time to meaning engaged but not married. I know a lot of people can casually date multiple people, but I'm not one of them. I'm much happier talking to only one at a time and if that means I focus on one for two weeks, discover we're not compatible and then look for another, that's fine for me. It doesn't mean I'm desperate or stupid, just that I'm temporarily focusing all my energy on one and will get back to the pool afterwards.



leadership527 -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 8:45:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pair4play
My gf and I are almost entirely a top/bottom couple, without power dynamics outside of play-space. We've begun considering finding a submissive/slave. In looking through profiles with these new characteristics in mind, we find ourselves astounded by the aparent swiftness with which subs/slaves often (obviously not always) put themselves "under consideration" and even list themselves as "collared" or "owned".
Just as in vanilla relationships, there are a great many people who leap before they look.  That doesn't make it a wise behavior... it just means it happens.  All in all though, what other people do has little bearing on what you and yours are doing. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pair4play
I guess what we wonder is what is the expectation or hope is on the part of a sub or slave with ragrds to the pace of a relationship.
Just like everyone.  They want the perfect partner and they want it right now, preferably without having to do any work or make any compromises.  The real question is not what people want, it's what they are prepared to do.  Me personally, I'm a huge believer in the idea that if you're building what you hope to be a lifelong commitment, then with 20, 30, 40, 50, or even 60 years to look forward to, it makes sense to lay those foundational bricks slowly and carefully.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pair4play
And what criteria must a dom or owner meet superficially to compel such a quasi-immediate selection?
Well, they must be the correct gender and self-identify as a dominant.  A sub who is so desparate to submit that they will do so "quasi-immediately" will generall submit to just about anyone... at least in my experience.  Of course, there is also the rare "love at first sight" sort of thing and far be it from me to malign that since it pretty accurately describes my wife and I meeting too. 

In the end, the right pace for you and yours is whatever is working for you two.  Who cares what everyone else does?   Are you both smiling a lot?  If so, it must be right, neh?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pair4play
We're not trying to cast aspersions, on peoples' choices, but understand what the process is and whether we're necessarily even suited to this sort of relationship structure. Our ideal is less of a shattel-ownerships/de-humanized relationship dynamic and more of a family-member/favored-daughter (without the age-play or age-difference component) or -pet dynamic. I guess the idea is more where free expression of love and affection can flow in each direction more than what we imagine there to be (but admit we're naive to and possible mis-comprehend) in a strict ownership dynamic.

See above.   Build what works for you two over whatever time frame works for you two.  In general, slower is better.   Don't over-read what you imagine to be "strict ownership" relationships.  I consider myself in a "strict ownership" dynamic, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a huge amount of love, caring and affection that flows between my wife and I.  In fact, were you to spy on us in our living room, your first thought would probably be something about how much we loved each other, not something about our M/s dynamic.  We are building what works for us.



Pair4play -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 8:51:21 AM)

Thanks for your insight, we appreciate it. We both try to take into account other peoples' perspectives when we can, and are trying to see the other side of the coin. Sometimes things here appear obvious that either the person making the decisions is broken, or we're simply failing to to appreciate all that goes into those peoples' points of view. Being interested in giving the benefit of the doubt, first, we thought we'd explore the latter likelihood rather than presume the former.

Having never been female, myself (Z_Z, male of P4P, writing), I can honestly say that I have never found myself inundated with interested inquiries from dozens of potential suitors. Of course it makes sense to create a system where you can manage all the sudden "damands" on you with a process that allows you to keep things straight and delve deeper into those inquiries that interest you most.

Thanks again.



Pair4play -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 8:58:34 AM)

I appreciate your insight into this. One clarification I'd like to make in my original post is when I said "strict-ownership" I misspoke. I should have said "strictly-ownership". "Strict" can obviously be interpreted to mean a degree of discipline and tollerance for compliance, whereas I'd meant "strictly" meaning that ownership was the top role, and objectified-property was the bottom role. Even there, of course, there can be, and often is, a free-flow of love. There are, I think we can agree, no absolutes in life.

Imformation gathering is all part of the process.



littleone35 -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 10:21:08 AM)

I was collared at 5.5 months.  That may seem fast, byt we have benn together for over 2 years now and still going strong.  Sometimes when it's right it's right and you just know it.

Matt's littleone



Pair4play -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 10:34:19 AM)

5.5 months doesn't seem especially fast. My remarks are mostly about the profiles I see that are less than a couple weeks old and someone is collared and moving in. Now THAT seems fast.

Glad it's all going well for you. I agree that when it's right it's right. My ex-wife and I knew each other 5 weeks when we moved in together and were married 17 years. We're still quite good friends, just not partners. Some may call it a failed marriage, we look at it as a successful friendship with a long, marital interlude.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 10:51:42 AM)

Some date like they are at a bar, a couple of drinks and they are in bed, others take longer.  Some one nighters turn into relationships but the odds aren't good.

You got to figure out what you want and who you want.  I have always loved LA's line about "find stable partners, not a stable of partners".



lizcgirl -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 11:35:43 AM)

I knew my Master for only about two months before I was 'under consideration'. For us that meant that I had offered myself to Him as a slave and we were 'trying it out' so to speak. During that time I behaved as though I was a collared slave without actually having been collared. It gave us the freedom to see exactly what we would both be getting into and if either of us decided after a while it just wouldn't work, we could just call it quits without any real hard feelings. Luckily that didn't happen and I was collared about two months later after it was apparent to us both that we matched well and that we both wanted the commitment that comes with a slave collar. Our relationship might seem fast compared to others but I'm very thankful we approached it that way so that I personally didn't enter into it without knowing EXACTLY it involved. When it came time for my slave collar I knew without a doubt that this was what I wanted and that I could handle what was expected of me, and vice versa. I kept my profile updated to let every one know before I was contacted exactly what I was looking for and where I stood. I didn't want to mislead any one or waste their time by not making it clear from the beginning. Not to mention I got so many emails where I would tell them I was under consideration and they would act as though that meant it was race to see who would collar me faster. That was a huge turn off for me personally because I didn't ask for consideration lightly and just because I wasn't collared YET didn't mean I was looking for some one else. Putting it on my profile was definately a filter for me and it did cut down on the emails I got asking for things I was not willing to do or participate in.
 



CrazyC -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 1:16:33 PM)

I have seen many submissives that you have, but mostly the other way around. I am very lucky for the community I keep, because many have a mature idea of what is healthy in a relationship. The best way to gage is that person's idea of what a collar means, and what being under consideration means. I have never met a Dom where being "under consideration" really ment that the Dom gets to still look around while the sub needs to wait to see if it will be anything more then play. Trust me some Doms have actually told me that is what it means to them. I have also seen submissives use the collar as a way to gain controle. Where they say the collar is just for play nad then turn on the Dom and say it means more. The collar for me is personal. Though I love pain and having fun with diffrent Dom/ friends, I have a hard time find one i want to completely submit to. AT that time...I will want a collar, but it would be something that will take. Time is what it takes for my head to catch up with my heart.  



whiteslavebitch -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 3:19:44 PM)

For me, it was well over a year(closer to two years) before I was willing to commit to being MasterK's slave. But then I had a lot of issues to deal with, and walls built up as defenses. Others might be willing to commit much sooner.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 4:42:52 PM)

i pretty much committed myself to him within our second meeting, and that was two years ago.  i still list myself as single but not looking, because the actual 'talk' of committement never crossed either one of our lips to each other in all this time; somethings just feel right and you go with it, and when they don't, you move on.

now others who know me, and have known me for quite some time, such as a former dominant and former play partners, all call him my master; i just call him the man i adore and leave it at that.



peppermint -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 5:08:55 PM)

quote:

I guess what we wonder is what is the expectation or hope is on the part of a sub or slave with ragrds to the pace of a relationship.


I've seen more than one post from submissives who have been on Collarme for less than 2 weeks and are complaining that they just can't seem to find the Dom/Master/Owner they are seeking.  Other submissives are married, living with their Masters, are not collared and not ready for a collar yet. 

So....the answer is...."It depends". 



Sunnyfey -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 5:12:01 PM)

Me and Master commited ourselves to each other (though no one voiced it for about 3 months) by the..third date (he took me to a Voltaire concert...really, super sweet!). even at that point in time when I had gone on one date with him,  one night at the bar I actually hooked up with my ex in drunken depressed moment of spastic stupidity. I immediately called Master the next day crying my eyes out confessing to this man I had only knowen for a short time that I had slept with my ex and I felt like crap because even though we wernt in any sort of relationship at that time, i really liked him and it felt like cheating and blah blah.....really i hate being a girl sometimes. Anyway he laughed at me and just said "ofcorse i forgive you princess, you dident do anything wrong...now get dressed we have dinner in a few hours" and...well it just was from then on. After the voltaire concert Master gave me my consideration collar (a month in to our "not" relationship)...5 months later, Master says I might be due for my training collar....we shall see, but so far...so perfect (its kind of scary)



Leatherist -> RE: Speed of commitment (8/15/2008 5:15:21 PM)

Are you committing to a person,or a fantasy?



goodwood -> RE: Speed of commitment (9/3/2008 12:40:21 PM)

In my case it's like taking a dog home from the pound. You take the dog home, it looks around, and if nothing bad happens it settles in. Food in the dish, exercise, and something to do. Belonging to the household fulfills the basic need. Then if you mistreat the dog it runs away. Otherwise it's happy. If you don't like the dog you take it back. Obviously a human relationship has more complexity, hopefully, but on one level we're animals and instincts apply.

In this kind of relationship for my needs there is something important about leaving the question of committment in the hands of the master. From the start it should be about what they want, then my role is to learn what they want and provide it. Because they want me to do that, it is in their interest to provide me with what I need, so that I can serve their needs. There is mutuality of need but one person is in charge, and as the person not in charge I feel it is my role to present myself, try, and let them direct things as it suits them. That is why it works best for me to simply be available and willing rather than to approach it as a prolonged negotiation. I will be committed to making it work from the start, and trust them to be able to tell what that would take, and then whether it is a relationship they want to continue. If I was the one in charge looking for a submissive then I would go about it the same only from the other role. The submissive would be expected to show up and fall in line. Then I would see whether I could make it work with them or if they would be better off with another master.

In a relationship where there is no power designation then a gradual period of introduction serves the purpose of finding out how to best get along. As a submissive/slave, the best way to get along is for me to learn and obey. I can begin doing that day one. Time will tell how long that committment should last, but it starts right away, and it's not my call, unless the Dominant is utterly incompetent and there is no point making the effort.



michelleryder -> RE: Speed of commitment (9/4/2008 2:11:01 AM)

I think Leatherist just hit the nail on the head



scottishdove -> RE: Speed of commitment (9/4/2008 5:00:37 AM)

i don't think there is anything wrong with a new sub or slave being 'under consideration' right away.

I did it quite a bit in the begginning.. it was fun being asked and ''playing' sub to someone with their virtual collar on. It was part of the learning process for me.

now, almost a year since I discovered i was submissive, i am a little more cautious and dubious about being 'tied down' that way... i am in a different mental state about things now.



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