VERY NEW!!!! (Full Version)

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submissivebony25 -> VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 10:51:57 AM)

Hello all. I am not sure where to start or what to say. I was told by a Dom to come to this site and look around. I am new to the Dom/sub lifestyle. Really I havent even beginning. There is a Dom that has taken an interest in me. We had actually talked before, but because I am in a vanilla relationship i had to end my contact with him. Well i saw him online the other day and couldnt say nothing. I had to speak to him. So I did and I am very glad that I did. But I guess i need some guidance from other subs. I dont know where to begin.



veronicaofML -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 10:59:47 AM)

you are/ female? male? you say dom...or do you mean domme?

whatever----------you seek.............you will find here

many of us WILL try to help however we can.

just be patient with our answers and we try to be patient with your q's

take care



submissivebony25 -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 11:01:42 AM)

I am female and I was speaking of Dom. I suppose I should be more specific next time. Sorry and thank you



veronicaofML -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 11:02:26 AM)

take a deep breath and relax. we are here to help.



Dracironsgirl -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 11:07:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivebony25

quote:

We had actually talked before, but because I am in a vanilla relationship i had to end my contact with him. Well i saw him online the other day and couldnt say nothing


i am a bit confused here .... youre in a relationship already ?



submissivebony25 -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 11:13:23 AM)

yes I am in a relationship already, but not a Dom/sub relationship. See my fiance and I were looking to get into the lifestyle. I told him I wanted to. So i put it out on a profile or something in yahoo. Well I didnt think anything of it after that. A Dom contacted me a couple of weeks later. And we exchanged emails and one night HE and I and my fiance all got on the phone and talked. I was instantly connected to this Dom. but my fiance didnt like it anymore. He didnt like the things the Dom was saying that was part of the lifestyle. So we quit communication. But my fiance knows I still very much want to do this. He and I were trying to start it together but we dont know how. So I went on linet his weekend to try to find a Dom to ask question for my fiance and the Dom I had talked with before was online. I had to say something to him and the connection is great. He is the one that told me to come to this website. But I am so confused righ tnow. I know what I need and this Dom knows what I need but I am in a relationship with someone i care about.

Maybe this all sounds crazy maybe I have now idea what I am talking about. I dont know. I just need someone to talk to ,



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 11:19:12 AM)

You have someone to talk to- your fiance. That's why we created them.

Until you talk to him and get things straightened out between you two, anything else is pointless. Sure you can cheat on him, but why put everyone through that?



jamesthehumanrug -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 11:41:52 AM)

ok
it was so auful
and so extremely difficult ,that i, only did it once, in my life
she was, too vanilla-forever-
wouldnt deliver in my estimation
and i had to say to a nice ;gorgeous ;well off ;connected; beauty ;genius; that :
ok ;you're boring- i'm otta here! so sorry....
in hind site: she was nice; taught me a lot, but, i burnt my bridges.
not cool
she would'a been a good one nighter
....if i was DESPERATE
BUT IT WAS SO AUFUL
so exstremely difficult ,for me to tell her ,esp cause i was always a slave with a rep as only a slave ,and I NEVER SAY NO
BUT I COULD NEVER EVER DO THAT EVER AGAIN-
i ,only wear "vanilla" ,[:o]on my t-shirt, so thereapist, or mental-health will layoff me ,for hostile benefactors.



veronicaofML -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 12:22:37 PM)

but, i burnt my bridges.
==================

yeah....................know the feeling well.........been doing that all my life. i never look back nor have i wanted to.

take care



ginawithaB -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 12:51:47 PM)

First off, welcome to the neighborhood! And, as veronica suggested, take a deep breath b/c it sounds a little like you're going into panic mode. Everything you wrote makes sense and is totally understandable. You're in a bit of a pickle, but it'll work out. You will work it out. You need to do some research, some self-exploration, and some serious talking w/ fiance, but it will work out. So give yourself a break and the time and space you need to discover yourself.

If I understood your post, it seems that your fiance still has some interest in the lifestyle? If so, that's great. Maybe one thing the two of you need to get clear about is exactly what aspects of the life/scene/whatever interest you both individually and what seems of interest to you as a couple. And be as clear and specific as you can. Keep in mind, there is a LOT out there to explore!! There are several pretty good "checklists" online that can help you explore this question, including the one right here on collarme. The one I favor most, though, I found at DomSubFriend's website, http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml and was/is very helpful to me in figuring out where to even start to figure out what kinds of "scenes" I might like to play. And I wanted to also say that though I'm sure this Dom you spoke with may've given you some good ideas to start with, His word is not the final word on what the life is about. Doms and subs and switches in the life are as different as each individual. No two people do things in exactly the same way. So, if there is enough interest on both your parts and you are committed to one another and honest about your desires and limits, I think it's entirely possible to forge out a niche within the life that will suit your relationship.

Have you checked out bdsm groups in your area? Gone to any munches, meetings? Met anyone in the life in real time just for friendly conversation? If not, endeavor to do so. I am still new to the life. Have only been exploring for a few months now and it has been so helpful to just take my exploration off the boards and into the real world...not that the internet hasn't been helpful...it most certainly has. But the real time stuff---that's were it's at!

Most important, in all things trust your gut. If you haven't developed that skill yet, develop it. It's gonna be necessary in order to keep yourself healthy, sane and secure. Take care and feel free to write me directly if you like and keep asking questions.



veronicaofML -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 1:22:26 PM)

to the thread starter

"Most important, in all things trust your gut. If you haven't developed that skill yet, develop it. It's gonna be necessary in order to keep yourself healthy, sane and secure. Take care and feel free to write me directly if you like and keep asking questions."

that is about as real as it gets!

take care..........



1CHRONDOM -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/21/2005 5:31:56 PM)

Welcome to the lifestyle. I'm a fairly new Dom in the lifestyle aspect but I do know that there is alot to learn. In my opinion, I would stick to talking and exploring with your future husband. Speaking with the Dom that you say knows what you need seems like it might damange the relationship you are already in. Believe me. There is alot of BOOKS that can give you information on the lifestyle. You and your fiance can read them TOGETHER and learn what exactly YOU TWO are willing to try and not try. Continued discussion with another man that YOUR MAN doesn't feel comfortable with isn't the right path to follow. For whatever reason. I think your first choice should be do you still want to be with and marry your fiance. If the answer is yes, then please do yourself a favor and continue your exploration with HIM and not this other Dom.



cravinspankin -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/22/2005 8:14:45 AM)

Perhaps rather than trying to move into the lifestyle by finding a Dom for you, you might consider finding local alt lifestyle groups, getting to know the people and finding a Dom who can mentor your fiance, and a sub who will mentor you.
That way, the two of you can learn together, only He dominating you, and learn what works best for you as a couple.



vicinity -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/25/2005 10:30:03 AM)

There is a book, When Someone You Love is Kinky, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt that may be helpful reading for your fiance....and any other vanillas in your life that don't understand kink.



MHOO314 -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/26/2005 5:48:46 PM)

OK, let's backup and rewind, have you answered the key questions? Why do I seek this life? Is it play or 24/7? Am I a submissive? Why? What do I seek? Just because a Dom tells you to do something--doesn't mean you are ready--I suggest some study and reading, it will be well worth the time--walk carefully---



InTheMind -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/26/2005 6:20:54 PM)

It sounds to me like you're doing almost exacatly what's right.

If I understand your posts correctly, you have a currently vanilla relationship, but believe that you want D/s in your life. You've tried to discuss this with your partner, and have found it difficult. There is a Dom you connect with -- he offers perhaps an easier path perhaps into D/s.

Here's the conclusion that works for me. Many people want a relationship with D/s play in the bedroom or more. I'm certainly one of these. So long as you have a relationship with someone who loves you and is willing to try, then focus on that. Keep asking advice from those in the know and keep talking to your partner. Pay proper attention to the fact that the Dom you've met is causing friction in your relationship.

Good luck, I'm sure the goal is worth the effort!




LunarNightingale -> RE: VERY NEW!!!! (11/27/2005 4:48:26 PM)

not sure if this will make sence or not but am also in a 'vinilla' relationship, the only difference is my boyfriend lives 300 miles away. I have a Dom who lives in the same town as me and this seems to be working well at the moment. Not sure it will work long term but since i've been in tuch with my Dom my feelings towards my boyfriend have grown stronger and i've been more relaxed when on the phone with him.
Does anyone else understand this or am i compleatly crazy :)
Luna



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