How to remove guilt/shame

How to remove guilt/shame (Full Version)

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Arastella -> How to remove guilt/shame (8/15/2008 11:04:47 PM)
Ok, so lets say you did something, got in trouble, got punished, and the slate has been wiped clean. What if you still feel shame or guilt about whatever it is you've done. Even after the slate should be wiped clean. How do you remove those feelings in order to start anew and remove feelings of guilt and shame, and are supposed to be serving to the best of your abilities? What then?

angelicbitch -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/15/2008 11:16:02 PM)
I had a similar situation.... did a major No No .. and I knew it was wrong the second after I did it. And the Dominant I was involved with chose to be a child about the situation. I apologized over and over and meant every word of it. Said I would never make the stupid mistake again and meant that also. But he chose to close off communication completly. And I never got over it.... I felt horrible ... and even after he said it was forgiven he still brought it up. I had to sit back and revaluate the situation. In my situation it was best just to walk away. I am not saying that it will work for you. But that is what I chose to do. Only after I did that did my feelings of guilt go away. Not that I am sure it is any help... Peace Angelic

porcelain26 -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/15/2008 11:21:44 PM)
It always seems to be most difficult to forgive yourself. If I was in that situation (which I sorta am but it's beyond complicated, though I'm planning to do exactly as I'm about to suggest), regardless of whether or not I'd already been punished, I think I would simply go to my Owner and explain my continued feelings of guilt and remorse. After explaining this, I would suggest my version of a solution - to be punished again, probably more severely than the first time. Not because I think He's still angry with me or holding a grudge, but because it would be my way of resubmitting myself, so to speak. I'm not a pain slut by any means so it's not something I ask for to receive pleasure from; it is quite simply, tortorous. I want Him to punish me because I need the release that will come with it. Knowing that I've put myself in the most vulnerable position I can, and basically turning my guilt and remorse over to Him, to have Him remove. As blasphemous as it sounds; it's sort of like how Christians always talk about turning their troubles over to God. Only I'm turning it over to my Owner grins *edited cuz I can't spell or punctuate

camille65 -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/15/2008 11:37:22 PM)
I talk to him about it, about how I'm unable to get past it even though he has. Then we end up discussing why I still feel that way and if I get past it then, great. If not then usually it leads to some kind of physical punishment that frees me from those feelings. In the beginning I would hide those feelings because I was confused. Surely I should be okay since he said all was okay lol. But feelings of guilt usually lead me to feeling really bad about myself and he picked up on that. So he gave me standing orders to come tell him how I feel about things.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/15/2008 11:41:12 PM)
I wish I knew! Training, time, trust, approval in the long term have gone a LONG way to getting my partner to release his guilt a lot faster and more reasily, but they are still like shackles, almost instantly there at the first sign of problems. Mostly I've shown him how useless it is, how he learned to take it on as a result of very dysfunctional patterns growing up and the expectations he unfairly puts upon himself. I've shown him the glory in freedom from guilt by literally not allowing his mind to wallow in that space, to keep it busy and replace those thoughts and patterns with more positive ones. Sometimes it works. If you figure out the answer to eliminate it completely, please let me know.

sillyslaveboy -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 12:23:33 AM)
i already mentioned a golden rule: no regrets. i serve the best i can and if i fail then i was simply meant to. i take what it needs to take with and i go on. i owe that way of thinking and accepting the role to my ex-Mistress.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 1:54:35 AM)
Then, think about a reward system instead. Obviously the 'punishment' hasn't helped the situation. Master Fire

MRandme -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 4:30:04 AM)
i am the type to worry things to death... if i do something wrong, i can obsess over it for days. This is something my Master has helped me get over. If i screw up, i tell Him and get corrected for it. Then it is over and done. Because He owns me, my mistakes belong to Him, in the same way my triumphs do. If i continue to dwell on what i did wrong, i am trying to take control back from Him, questioning His judgment on the issue. He never brings the infraction up again, although if i repeat it, the correction will be increased. i am also not to dwell on an upcoming correction (it can be a week or two between the time i mess up and the next time i see Him to be corrected.) If you are still feeling guilt and remorse after getting corrected or punished, you are not accepting His authority to decide what is appropriate. Learn to accept His judgment (and if you can't do that, why are you with Him?) and trust that He knows how much an offense warrants. It can be hard to unlearn old habits of beating yourself up over things you can't change, but it is for the better.

simpleplan2 -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 4:34:12 AM)
I feel the same way. If I've tried my best and still cannot do whatever, I don't see the failure there. It was the best I could do. I may briefly regret that I couldn't do it, but only briefly. I'm not the type to beat myself up or feel guilt.

XaviersXian -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 4:42:42 AM)
greetings to all, my ex-mentor taught me to channel emotions like that back into my service. I might be feeling them (and have every right to, i'm human, after all) but put them into the context of my service, remember my place and remember why I do what I do. He taught me that feeling either is restricting my Master's pleasure (i'm self focused rather than Master focused). Mentally "letting go" and "clearing the slate" were hard things to learn to do (I was very much a "beat myself up, even though Master had already punished me" type) but, I got there, and if Master punishes me nowdays, I accept the punishment, think on the whys and the like, channel the negative emotions from it back into my service, and reconnect with my purpose, basically, suck it up (regardless of how i feel) and get on with things. I hope this helps! well wishes,

chamberqueen -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 7:29:28 AM)
I have only been punished once. It looked like I was going to have to wait to be punished, and I begged to meet earlier to get it over with. I'm the type of person who can't stand something hanging over their heads. He was so impressed with that, telling me that I was the only one who pushed to get the punishment over with. What helped me the most was Him telling me, "Now it is over. Now it is like it never happened." I will never forget what I did wrong, but I was able to let go of the guilt of it because I knew that in His mind the slate was wiped clean. If I were to hang onto the guilt it would be like me saying that I didn't believe in His capacity for forgiveness. It would end up putting a wedge between us. If you have a higher power that you pray to, you can always pray for help to forgive yourself so that it doesn't become a wedge in your relationship. (That helped me.) The fact is that we are all human and will all make mistakes. Some are done unknowingly; some we know are mistakes when we are doing them and we can't seem to help ourselves. I learned my lesson and haven't made the same mistake since. I'm willing to bet you are in the same position. I was raised on blame and guilt, and it wasn't easy to let go of - but having a healthy relationship with my Master meant much more to me that sitting in a pool of guilt.

RavenMuse -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 8:03:46 AM)
If My girl has done something she regrets and I deal with it, consider it put behind us and repercusions handled and a line drawn under the event. If she then continues to beat herself up over it then she is on track for getting into trouble AGAIN. The decisions are MINE, once I have decided the matter is dealt with, then it is dealt with, after all, she is Mine, if she has gotten into trouble it is Me she will have disapointed, if I am satisfied then I am no longer disapointed. she submits to that just like she submits to any other decision I make! punishing herself is NOT allowed, if there is punishment over an action it is MY remit to do so, NOT hers. If she is doing so against My wishes then her focus is in the wrong place, not only is she disobaying Me but she is focusing her energys in a negative and unhelpful way rather than on having learned from it, moving on and using that effort to serve Me better in future. Often the discipline is restored by Me correcting her attitude and perspective... Where I explain at great length (she refers to it as Me lecturing her) until I am satisfied she understands. Often the only reason for a physical punishment is to help HER to draw a line under it and get her head to where I want it to be rather than doing the beating herself up with guilt that you refer to. After that she better have left it behind her. Take the lessons forward, leave the problem in the past.

silkncarol -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 8:16:55 AM)
I've only been punished once for disobedience.....and yes, i carried the guilt and shame of my actions with me....but i had to turn those feelings into growth from the experience.....i remembered the feelings and knew i didn't ever want to experience them again..... quote: ORIGINAL: Arastella Ok, so lets say you did something, got in trouble, got punished, and the slate has been wiped clean. What if you still feel shame or guilt about whatever it is you've done. Even after the slate should be wiped clean. How do you remove those feelings in order to start anew and remove feelings of guilt and shame, and are supposed to be serving to the best of your abilities? What then?

sblady -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 9:35:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse If My girl has done something she regrets and I deal with it, consider it put behind us and repercusions handled and a line drawn under the event. If she then continues to beat herself up over it then she is on track for getting into trouble AGAIN. The decisions are MINE, once I have decided the matter is dealt with, then it is dealt with, after all, she is Mine, if she has gotten into trouble it is Me she will have disapointed, if I am satisfied then I am no longer disapointed. she submits to that just like she submits to any other decision I make! punishing herself is NOT allowed, if there is punishment over an action it is MY remit to do so, NOT hers. If she is doing so against My wishes then her focus is in the wrong place, not only is she disobaying Me but she is focusing her energys in a negative and unhelpful way rather than on having learned from it, moving on and using that effort to serve Me better in future. *Take the lessons forward, leave the problem in the past.* Shameless flirting alert RavenMuse, your comments and insight are as always, immeasurable!! [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m9.gif[/image] To the Op: My suggestion would be to explain to your Dom that although punishment has been issued and He's forgiven the offense, that you're still upset. Hopefully He'll understand and deal with things in a manner that will remove these feelings.

kyraofMists -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 9:55:16 AM)
As a caveat, I believe that we have the choice on whether to feel something or not. Our thoughts drive our emotions and by changing our thoughts we can change our emtions. That first rush of emotion may be beyond our immediate control, but to continue to feel those emotions is a choice that we make. Most of us make that choice subconsciously and convince ourselves that we "can't help how we feel". In our house, that is a cop-out and will get us into even more shit. From that perspective, I have a few questions... Are your feelings of shame and guilt having a negative impact on your life and your relationship? What are getting by allowing these feelings to continue? What do you think you will lose by choosing not to feel these things? What thoughts are you thinking that drive those emotions? If you want to stop feeling something, then choose to feel something else. It is that simple and that difficult. It take vigilence. Whenever those emotions pop up, you have to consciously make the choice to think different thoughts to feel something else. If you are thinking about how badly you fucked up and you start feeling guilty, then stop it! Think about how wonderfully you do so many things and how many times you have done something right. Then go do something constructive. From experience, I can tell you it is hard as hell and it may seem hopeless. But it is only hopeless if you convince yourself that it is. My kindergarten teacher used to say "Can't never could". That lesson has stuck with me thought my entire life. You tell yourself you can't do it, then you never will. Convince yourself that you control your emotional state and you will. Knight's Kyra

NuevaVida -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 11:32:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arastella Ok, so lets say you did something, got in trouble, got punished, and the slate has been wiped clean. What if you still feel shame or guilt about whatever it is you've done. Even after the slate should be wiped clean. How do you remove those feelings in order to start anew and remove feelings of guilt and shame, and are supposed to be serving to the best of your abilities? What then? Here's how I looked at it. If my former Master wanted the slate wiped clean, then my harboring guilt and shame was only giving him more negative stuff to deal with, rather than enjoying my submission. Since I wanted to provide him with positive results rather than negative, I needed to trust him and let go of my guilt. Knowing I was letting go for him made it easier to do so. If he no longer had an issue with what I did, then I shouldn't, either.

BitaTruble -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 12:49:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arastella Ok, so lets say you did something, got in trouble, got punished, and the slate has been wiped clean. What if you still feel shame or guilt about whatever it is you've done. Even after the slate should be wiped clean. How do you remove those feelings in order to start anew and remove feelings of guilt and shame, and are supposed to be serving to the best of your abilities? What then? It's tough to give up some of those old handholds. I've been there and there was no one better at beating me up than me! I finally figured out, though, that serving (for my relationship) is as he requires it, not as I wish it would be. He walks along a path and I choose to follow. He clears out the rocks and such over which I would stumble .. if I pick up something from the side of the road and throw it in my path, then it's no longer his road .. it's mine and decorated my way .. rocks, brambles (guilt and shame) etc. Once I stopped doing that, once I embraced the forgiveness it became much easier to serve his way. So, my suggestion.. quit throwing rocks in front of yourself. He's cleared the path for you already .. appreciate that, move on and try not to repeat the mistake that caused the guilt and shame in the first place. Good luck!

lizcgirl -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 3:49:13 PM)
My Master does that and it drives me nuts sometimes. I get in trouble, I get punished, and before He even moves to comfort me, it's all in the past. I'm still sitting there like 'WTF??' and apologizing profusely. For Him, it's over, I was punished and we moved on. For me, I dwell on it. I don't say anything to Him after I apologize god only knows how many times, but it's there in my mind. The knowledge that, even for a second, I disappointed Him in some way is worse than any punishment He could ever give me. So I use it. Instead of letting myself stew in my own self loathing, I push myself even more to please Him and make Him proud. Pretty soon I forget how bad I felt for the one indiscression and I focus on how good I feel to have been able to please Him.

Lockit -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 4:00:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: XaviersXian greetings to all, my ex-mentor taught me to channel emotions like that back into my service. I might be feeling them (and have every right to, i'm human, after all) but put them into the context of my service, remember my place and remember why I do what I do. He taught me that feeling either is restricting my Master's pleasure (i'm self focused rather than Master focused). Mentally "letting go" and "clearing the slate" were hard things to learn to do (I was very much a "beat myself up, even though Master had already punished me" type) but, I got there, and if Master punishes me nowdays, I accept the punishment, think on the whys and the like, channel the negative emotions from it back into my service, and reconnect with my purpose, basically, suck it up (regardless of how i feel) and get on with things. I hope this helps! well wishes, I very much agree with this post! When I worked with some of my clients, one of the biggest issues I had to deal with was guilt. People just struggled with it. In my relationships, I have tried to account for this and try to make them safe... by talking mostly... that when I say something is fine and it is over; it is. Sometimes it has taken a little time for that to sink in because of prior life experiences. But, for the most part, I have found that when guilt is a big problem and my submissive cannot release his guilt over to me or what we might have done on a whole in the situation, he is thinking of himself. He is focused on what he does, what he feels, what he needs and he is overstepping me and continuing to do things his way, rather than what I have asked of him or what we have even agreed to. We humans can beat ourselves up, but when we do it a lot, that tells me there is something else going on that needs to be looked at and it will get looked at. Please talk to your dominant and don't let these feelings build up, including the fear of telling him you are holding on to what he has deemed over. Good luck to you!

slaveluci -> RE: How to remove guilt/shame (8/16/2008 5:04:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse If My girl has done something she regrets and I deal with it, consider it put behind us and repercusions handled and a line drawn under the event. If she then continues to beat herself up over it then she is on track for getting into trouble AGAIN. The decisions are MINE, once I have decided the matter is dealt with, then it is dealt with, after all, she is Mine, if she has gotten into trouble it is Me she will have disapointed, if I am satisfied then I am no longer disapointed. she submits to that just like she submits to any other decision I make! punishing herself is NOT allowed, if there is punishment over an action it is MY remit to do so, NOT hers. If she is doing so against My wishes then her focus is in the wrong place, not only is she disobaying Me but she is focusing her energys in a negative and unhelpful way rather than on having learned from it, moving on and using that effort to serve Me better in future. Just wanted to say that this is EXACTLY how Master feels and operates. Once He's dealt with it and given me permission to put it behind me, it better get put there and stay there. Continuing to dwell on it and bring it up is drama and drama is simply not permitted 'round here[:)]. Forgiving myself has been much easier since we've been together and He has insisted upon moving forward once something's been dealt with, discussed and/or worked out.............luci

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