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RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/17/2008 5:36:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I wouldn't view that as artificially coy or game playing, but more as being scared of something that appeals in fantasy but could be very dangerous in r/l.

I can't imagine agreeing to totally obey some guy I had never before laid eyes on. I can see the idea as being hot but the reality as being terrifying. I think she was very brave, if perhaps a little foolhardy. I'm glad it worked out for her.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/17/2008 6:31:56 PM   
roughleather


Posts: 232
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline 		Look. You're playing on the first date. That's bound to be awkward.

Get to know her better first. Have some vanilla sex. Then take it up a notch. Push her buttons when she teases you. Get her aroused and angry. Then take what you want.

Being overpowered and taken is a basic female turn-on. You need to have vanilla sex once, so you won't be accused of rape, but after that, if she teases you, don't take no for an answer.

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/17/2008 7:39:23 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Anyway, the date was fine, and, I doubt she would even notice the "feelings" I'm trying to understand more about here, but, the basic question is ... is it just me or are other totally fed up with the artificially you-can't-have-me but why-did-you-stop attitude of some players? (Hope my question isn't too muddied, as it would be great to hear YOUR perspective on playing hard to get for not good reason (as far as I can tell).)



I'm sure that some people can't stand it. We love to play at it. When it comes to reality, I've never been hard for him to get. It's a joke between us that I climbed in his lap and began humping to let him know where my interests lay. After that, it's pretty much been in his hands where he wanted to take it. I'm pretty clear and open regarding if I want to have with you and how I'd like to do it.

However, we both love resistence play, be it me saying no or just playing hard to get till he wraps my hair around his fist and gives a firm pull that leaves me weak in the knees. If I were meeting up with someone I don't even know if I would think to mention it because it's never occured to me that it's a "kink" to like playing coy sometimes. I would guess it would come through in my e-mails but it may not have been dishonest on her part- it just didn't occur to her.

I guess it's like anything else. It either turns your crank or it doesn't. I do agree that it probably would have helped to talk to her and just say "Hey, you've never been coy in your e-mails. Are you nervous or is this something you like doing?".

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to pompeii)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/17/2008 8:31:11 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Being overpowered and taken is a basic female turn-on.   


Except when it's not.  I doubt that is true for women dominants, nor is it true for all women.


quote:

  You need to have vanilla sex once, so you won't be accused of rape, but after that, if she teases you, don't take no for an answer.


If she says NO the second or seventy-second time I would suggest you stop because if you don't I imagine your next residence will be prison and your cell mate won't pay attention to your "NOOO" either!
And what in the world is 'vanilla sex'???

< Message edited by catize -- 8/17/2008 8:32:21 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/17/2008 8:39:43 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play?

Is it just me or are other Doms/subs tired of the artificially coy attitude some people seem to have to show they don't want what they really want?

It's hard to describe, but, I'll try by explaining what happened last night. I had placed a CL ad earlier in the week for a submissive woman or lovingly kinky cuckold couple to play with on Friday night, and, after weeding out the inevitable spam and wanna-be gay guys, I visited someone who said they'd be very interested, this, after almost a dozen emails back and forth clarifying what I'd do.

Basically, I said I wanted no fuss, her to obey, and me to use the toys we had previously agreed upon on her. Well, in the end, we had a grand time, but, for the first two hours, she kept playing coy all of a sudden (she wasn't that way in the emails at all). I came to like her, but, this artificially coy you-can't-have-me-come-and-get-me-no-no-don't-do-that-why-did-you-stop stuff was starting to irk me, mostly as I was thinking about it on my way home during the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date".

Anyway, the date was fine, and, I doubt she would even notice the "feelings" I'm trying to understand more about here, but, the basic question is ... is it just me or are other totally fed up with the artificially you-can't-have-me but why-did-you-stop attitude of some players? (Hope my question isn't too muddied, as it would be great to hear YOUR perspective on playing hard to get for not good reason (as far as I can tell).)



Since I am usually dumb as a post when it comes to sensing that someone is attracted to me, anyone that has played hard to get has been marked off in my mind as uninterested.  And I do not persue anyone, ever.  So, anyone who may have attempted this with me got exactly what they bargained for, nothing.
 
Now, as far as your date went, I think you got what you paid for, in a metaphorical sense.  I'm not suggesting that you hired anyone to play with you.  But you did get an equal return on the investment that went into your date. 

_____________________________

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"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to pompeii)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 6:54:09 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

The thing is we weren't there.  We don't know what she was actually doing.  I have had experiences where you just jump right in and go for it, but most of the time, I need a bit more than that.  If I agree to meet someone and play or be sexual, that doesn't mean that within fifteen minutes we are doing so.


Why not?  If that was what was agreed to, then why not?

I don't want to sound like the sex is the end-all, be-all for me but if you have spent time corresponding (if doing this through the net) and/or conversing on the phone and/or in person and this has been what has finally agreed to as to what is going to happen on the next time of seeing each other, then what is the reasoning behind continuing to prolong the wait?  If you are a submissive and you have agreed to play and have sex, as she agreed to (something that it seems to me is being overlooked here), then isn't prolonging the wait and deciding when it is going to happen an attempt to exert control over a part of the D/s BDSM interaction that the dominant usually has control over?  And I am going to assume...even given the danger of assumption...that this is what we are talking about here since it is at least hinted at in the OPs post.


Very recently I had this situation.  I told the man before that because I have agreed, that doesn't mean that we will jump right in.  I will want time to be comfortable with you.  I tend to cover most the bases, but can forget something.  I am not all about play even when playing and if a man can't let me get comfortable on a physical level, then I have a right to decline.

What happens if one agree's and then in person, they find some reason to back off that they couldn't tell previously?  They don't have a right to say no?  I have rarely done things this way, but no matter what, I reserve the right to go slow during the meet or say no.


Of course, a person has the right to change their mind BUT I would think the safest way to avoid having to do this is by not agreeing to anything before you have met the person.  Yes, make it clear you are interested and cannot wait to meet them to see if that need/want/yearning to do these things with him is as strong in person as it is over the phone/in correspondence but don't agree to anything.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 7:03:17 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I try not to play on the first meeting.  It should be a time to get to know each other - are we compatible outside the bedroom?

Women especially are conditioned to not jump into bed with men right away.  I assume also that she was inexperienced with D/s.  That's a lot of pressure on her.

OP assumed that this coyness is artificial, and that it's wrong.  I don't.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 7:17:18 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I try not to play on the first meeting.  It should be a time to get to know each other - are we compatible outside the bedroom?

Women especially are conditioned to not jump into bed with men right away.  I assume also that she was inexperienced with D/s.  That's a lot of pressure on her.

OP assumed that this coyness is artificial, and that it's wrong.  I don't.



No, the OP was surprised at this coyness after what had been agreed to.
Whether it is artificial or not doesn't really matter, it was a complete 180 from her behavior prior to the meeting.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 7:20:23 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roughleather

Being overpowered and taken is a basic female turn-on. You need to have vanilla sex once, so you won't be accused of rape, but after that, if she teases you, don't take no for an answer.



Hehe... there's zero chance I see this blowing up in your face sometime in the future... that is, if you actually even behave this way.


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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 7:32:42 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play?

Is it just me or are other Doms/subs tired of the artificially coy attitude some people seem to have to show they don't want what they really want?

It's hard to describe, but, I'll try by explaining what happened last night. I had placed a CL ad earlier in the week for a submissive woman or lovingly kinky cuckold couple to play with on Friday night, and, after weeding out the inevitable spam and wanna-be gay guys, I visited someone who said they'd be very interested, this, after almost a dozen emails back and forth clarifying what I'd do.

Basically, I said I wanted no fuss, her to obey, and me to use the toys we had previously agreed upon on her. Well, in the end, we had a grand time, but, for the first two hours, she kept playing coy all of a sudden (she wasn't that way in the emails at all). I came to like her, but, this artificially coy you-can't-have-me-come-and-get-me-no-no-don't-do-that-why-did-you-stop stuff was starting to irk me, mostly as I was thinking about it on my way home during the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date".

Anyway, the date was fine, and, I doubt she would even notice the "feelings" I'm trying to understand more about here, but, the basic question is ... is it just me or are other totally fed up with the artificially you-can't-have-me but why-did-you-stop attitude of some players? (Hope my question isn't too muddied, as it would be great to hear YOUR perspective on playing hard to get for not good reason (as far as I can tell).)



It's hard enough just to find someone that you can connect with, are attracted to and have matching kink with.  Why would you want to go and fuck that up by playing hard to get once you're together?  Doesn't make much sense to me. Seems as if she's either a bit of a brat or just hasn't figured out exactly what she needs in a relationship.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 7:52:57 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play?

Is it just me or are other Doms/subs tired of the artificially coy attitude some people seem to have to show they don't want what they really want?

It's hard to describe, but, I'll try by explaining what happened last night. I had placed a CL ad earlier in the week for a submissive woman or lovingly kinky cuckold couple to play with on Friday night, and, after weeding out the inevitable spam and wanna-be gay guys, I visited someone who said they'd be very interested, this, after almost a dozen emails back and forth clarifying what I'd do.

Basically, I said I wanted no fuss, her to obey, and me to use the toys we had previously agreed upon on her. Well, in the end, we had a grand time, but, for the first two hours, she kept playing coy all of a sudden (she wasn't that way in the emails at all). I came to like her, but, this artificially coy you-can't-have-me-come-and-get-me-no-no-don't-do-that-why-did-you-stop stuff was starting to irk me, mostly as I was thinking about it on my way home during the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date".

Anyway, the date was fine, and, I doubt she would even notice the "feelings" I'm trying to understand more about here, but, the basic question is ... is it just me or are other totally fed up with the artificially you-can't-have-me but why-did-you-stop attitude of some players? (Hope my question isn't too muddied, as it would be great to hear YOUR perspective on playing hard to get for not good reason (as far as I can tell).)



It's hard enough just to find someone that you can connect with, are attracted to and have matching kink with.  Why would you want to go and fuck that up by playing hard to get once you're together?  Doesn't make much sense to me. Seems as if she's either a bit of a brat or just hasn't figured out exactly what she needs in a relationship.


Thank you!!!!       

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 10:47:11 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		LOL... she very well may be a brat... manipulative... inconsiderate... all sorts of things.  Then again, we don't know the story or whether even the repeating of it is exactly as it really was.  We don't know if she was twenty or fifty, sane or insane, ect.  But in my mind, I am seeing things that redflag me all over the op's words here and on his profile. 

First of all this guy is hunting at CL and wanting to do a masterly bootie call... which is fine... but he wants it all in the bedroom... claims to be so very real and speaks of training.  Training what?  To whince at a nipple twist?  Give me a friggin break.  Call it what is is.  You want to top... top... you want to hunt on CL or CM or anywhere else... go for it... but when you make statements about women that are questionable... you just want a little tail and to twist nipples off... go for it... but don't go whining about your catch feeling a bit odd or playing a game with you... because all along... all she was... was a friggin fix.

I believe in keeping my word... I wouldn't agree to something like this... but if I did, I would consider the source.  I am pretty sure she didn't know she would be talked about on a CM thread either... I think when you want a bootie call and you have to play the game to get it and then you do play that game... you don't have a damn thing to complain about!

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 11:23:27 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii
Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play?

"Playing" in any way whatsoever bugs me.  I'm not much of a one for gamesmanship in my relationships.  When you think about it, underpinning that attitude is the extremely destructive viewpoint that says, "I am competing with another person to get what I want out of this relationship with the minimum input from me."  Nope, I'll pass, thanks.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 11:32:56 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		hmm..leader.. I use the term playing because I find what I do is FUN!! I realize that maybe thats just MY view on it, but anytime I agree to 'scene' with someone, to me it IS play, regardless if it ends up with me screaming or giggling :)

Just sayin'...

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 1:31:55 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Heya GT:

Sorry, I forgot about the other meaning of the word "playing" in the BDSM world.  I wasn't refering to "playing" as in playing during a scene.  I was referring to playing games during the courtship ritual.  I dislike that sort of ... well... gamesmanship in all of it's forms, including the original topic of this thread.... playing hard to get.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 1:36:47 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BDSM play?

Is it just me or are other Doms/subs tired of the artificially coy attitude some people seem to have to show they don't want what they really want?

It's hard to describe, but, I'll try by explaining what happened last night. I had placed a CL ad earlier in the week for a submissive woman or lovingly kinky cuckold couple to play with on Friday night, and, after weeding out the inevitable spam and wanna-be gay guys, I visited someone who said they'd be very interested, this, after almost a dozen emails back and forth clarifying what I'd do.

Basically, I said I wanted no fuss, her to obey, and me to use the toys we had previously agreed upon on her. Well, in the end, we had a grand time, but, for the first two hours, she kept playing coy all of a sudden (she wasn't that way in the emails at all). I came to like her, but, this artificially coy you-can't-have-me-come-and-get-me-no-no-don't-do-that-why-did-you-stop stuff was starting to irk me, mostly as I was thinking about it on my way home during the inevitable "was-that-worth-the-effort" all guys I know seem to do on the way home from any "date".

Anyway, the date was fine, and, I doubt she would even notice the "feelings" I'm trying to understand more about here, but, the basic question is ... is it just me or are other totally fed up with the artificially you-can't-have-me but why-did-you-stop attitude of some players? (Hope my question isn't too muddied, as it would be great to hear YOUR perspective on playing hard to get for not good reason (as far as I can tell).)



Coming in late on this, my entire thoughts of the moment regarding:

Playing hard to get is always artificial.  That's the entire idea:  interest that you deny to seem a challenge or not "easy".  That's why it's "playing hard to get" rather than "not really interested" or "hesitant" or some other approach/avoidance.

I've no interest in those who play hard to get whether it's a vanilla, D/s or BDSM play situation.  Doesn't matter what it is, I'm not interested in games.  Honest hesitation, slow progression, unsureness, I may be and sometimes am fine with...  relationship game-playing, no, not for me.  Agreed on and understood wrestling matches, bedroom games, resistance play, etc.  are, also, very separate from the hard-to-get game playing.  If I feel that's what's going on, I may *once* speak to them about it before ending things.

I've short patience for anything like that.. had I been in your position where we'd negotiated a straight play exchange and she started that, I'd've stopped and spoken directly about it, then if she'd continued I'd just show her the door.  Not worth the annoyance I'd be feeling during and after, for me.  From what you describe, I'd've wanted to just slap her -in the not-good way- so I'd've had to get it fixed or get her out.




_____________________________

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(in reply to pompeii)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 2:03:31 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		i don't think this is just behaviour attached to a certain orientation.
It's behaviour that is part of a dynamic i call Push-me-pull-you after the two heaeded llama in FDoctor Dolittle.
It's a dyamic that goes like this:
i show total openess and enthusiasm....the d types moves away
OR the D type shows total enthisasm and i pull away
OR the D type showws total enthusiasm and i act coy and hard to get (for various reasons like prolonging the scene)
the D type quits the dynamic and i end up clinging on
I've been guilty of doing it and also a prisoner of it.
There are endless variations but whichever way it goes one end of the dynamic is pushing (pulling) in the opposite direction.
In transactional analysis it's the I'm OK....you're not ok model
and any dynamic that excludes the I'm ok You're OK
All games of this nature just stink. It's a high road to hell and a relationship that is going nowhere, was never going to go anywhere and no matter how hard one side pulls the other all there really is resistance dressed up as something else.
I spent two months recently in this kind of game and the more i submitted the more the other party pulled away....result; a killer of a drop which i had to cut the rope on half way down.
The floor hit like hell.
So: i don;t play games and  have always freed myself no matter what the pain when the Push-me-pull-you game started.



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(in reply to pompeii)
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RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 3:16:36 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Edited out cause I read further.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/18/2008 3:17:28 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Does artificially playing hard-to-get irk you in BD... - 8/18/2008 3:21:06 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Heya GT:

Sorry, I forgot about the other meaning of the word "playing" in the BDSM world.  I wasn't refering to "playing" as in playing during a scene.  I was referring to playing games during the courtship ritual.  I dislike that sort of ... well... gamesmanship in all of it's forms, including the original topic of this thread.... playing hard to get.


gotcha :)


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 59
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