"true" BDSM

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SimplyMichael -> "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 8:53:40 AM)
We have had a run of debates on who is more uber, darker, nicer, lighter, sweeter, nastier, more this, not enough of that, and whatever other petty soap boxes someone wants to stand on, me included. I judge another on one single basis, are they and their partner/s happy. I have a number of really good friends who people here know and who I have met in person. People like Knight of Mists are amazing as well but I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting them. Merc and Beth are wonderful people who are both having the time of their lives. Their relationship is vastly different than what would work for me, and I am not friends with them because they are the same or even perhaps because they are different. I am friends with them because they are happy, period. Rick and Tina who used to post here and were last years International Master/slave couple live a VERY different life than I would want but oh my do they enjoy each other and again, they are the happiest they have ever been. Leadership527 and I are recent friends but again, very different relationship but those two have been married for years, love each other and make each other very happy. I look forward to meeting BitaTrouble next month, very very different VERY different and yet again, they enjoy who and what they do. There are lots of dominants here who I would love to meet, a fair amount of submissives as well, the thing they all have in common is that they love what they are doing, do so with honesty and clarity and that is all I ask. The relationship I share with BSB, while currently a bit rocky, is certainly fairly unique and doesn't fit into any of the typical molds. At times it is a bit hard but when it is going well, we make each other happier than anyone else ever has and even when it is hard, it is still a better relationship than any of my previous ones. In short, if you are enjoying what you do, if you are moving forward in life, my hat is off to you no matter what label you want to wear, no matter if you drink their blood or ask before you hit them with a bunny flogger. Anyone else share this opinion? If you do, try and mention someone we might now, how they differ and why you think they are amazing. Lets keep this one positive!

DiurnalVampire -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:04:08 AM)
I agree, the only relationships in BDSM I respect are those that are happy. I dont care if they are stright, gay, bi, poly, Gorean, FemDomme.... as long as all partners involved are enjoying their lives then I respect their decision and their way of doing things. Most of my friends on here and I do not have anything even cose to similiar. Angel and I ave a very unique interaction, and almost no one I know understands it. They do, however know it makes me happy and it has done so for the most part for 2 years. My relationship with Fox is morethe "standard" but still I am happy. We have met quite a few people on our various road trips. Some have relationships we could never be part of, however as long as it works for them who are we to question? I love all the people I talk to regularly on the boards and in private. Some of us have aspects in common most of us do not. What we enjoy are one another,not the dynamics we are in, and we dont have to be concerned with one anothers relatonships beyond knowing our friends are happy. DV

AdamTaylor -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:08:44 AM)
Wonderful post Michael. I quite agree. It's not about the specifics of how it's done... as everyone's different... and every couple will have their own way of doing things. What matters is, that both are truly happy. That the Dom/Master is pleased with how their sub/slave is doing. How well they perform. And that the sub/slave is truly happy performing for their owner.

RavenMuse -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:23:30 AM)
This was a topic out on the RL scene not too long ago.... With both Myself and the Organiser of My Local Munch being 'accused' of intolerance for different Dynamics from one small clique. Which frankly made us both laugh as We stood discussing it over a pint at the munch. Our Dynamics couldn't be much more different... His being a much lower level of authority exchange, Mine being TPE... yet We both have much in common (Duty of care, etc.) and a great deal of respect for each other. We may view different aspects of those dynamics entirely different ways, things We couldn't tollerate in Our relationship... We can discuss those without ill-feeling because We BOTH come from the point... it works for You and thats great. We are discussing that single aspect and our own PoV on it, how We see that, not dissing the other persons relationship, not saying the other is wrong, simply sharing and understanding the others view point. The mutual respect We have for Each Others Dynamic and relationship is built on MANY such discussions, much of the time We don't agree over a point or other... but thats all they are, discussion points and neither of Us takes those personaly. I wouldn't last five minutes with His girl, she'd drive Me batty.... but she is a lovely girl who is well suited to Him and to the way Their Dynamic works.

leadership527 -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:38:25 AM)
In other words.... if it's good for both participants in both the short-term and long-term, then it must be good since there's no available space left for badness to occur in. laughs I'm having fun apparently taking your posts Michael and rewording them down to one-liners. That's gonna be my new hobbie of the week. Seriously, I agree. People who have long-term beneficial relationships are valuable to me independent of what that relationship looks like. I respect what they've done for themselves and I very much want to see what I might transfer from their experience to my own. It doesn't even really matter to me if they're relationship looks RADICALLY different than my own (Rick and Tina being a good example). I very much want to learn more about the innards of their relationship and see what bits and pieces of it might stick to my own. Mercnbeth are even more fascinating for similar reasons. Sadly, if the BDSM community were not so intent on declaring how different it was from the rest of reality and therefor having to re-invent the wheel over and over, it probably would be possible to lay out some general characteristics of what it means to be a good dom or a good sub in general without reference to a specific relationship. But such discussions are boundary triggers in the BDSM world and the BDSM safe-word gets trotted out.. don't judge my kink. I absolutely could lay down some fundamentals for what a "true leader" looked like in any other context. Here though, such discussions are doomed to general feel-good sorts of threads like this one. The next time we get together for beer though, let's pen down some external and objective measures of what it means to be a "true dom". betcha despite our differences we can get some fairly broad agreement on the fundamentals.

TysGalilah -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:48:53 AM)
edited to delete ....I might have missed to point of thread so I have to rethink my post.

UR2Badored -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:55:02 AM)
I am as guilty as anyone who might be a tad taken back by simple semantics. I dont subscribe to notion that inequality is the name of the game in a D/s dynamic so to speak. However, I consider relationships as positive as long as the relationships are equally fulfilled or all parties are content in the relationship's exchange. In that sense, what someone else sees as inequality in the D/s or S/m nature, all involved can still be equally fullfilled (if that makes any sense). Any relationships other than my own does not have to meet my standard (or lack thereof) or my needs since I have nothing to do with a union outside of my dynamic. People vary in what makes them happy or in what makes them fullfilled. It appears, from my observations, that relationships are positive when both (or all) parties are being fullfilled--as in happy and honest with oneself and living life to one's own ideal of fulfillment within the union.

burntcynder -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 9:55:20 AM)
Thank You for posting this topic. I am fairly new to the boards and was becoming quickly disillusioned with some of what was being said and done here. I agree that each relationship is and should be based on what works for that particular relationship. Who has a right to judge the validity of any relationship except those in it? No one! It is nice to read about happy folk, especially if they can share what works for them without being ripped to shreds by someone who doesn’t agree. cyn

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 10:48:25 AM)
I agree, Michael. As I've said before, I have a 'word fetish' -- fortunately, I have people in my life who pander to my fetish and let me meddle in their grammer as well. grins I've discovered, on these boards, though, that I have another fetish. I truly get 'off' on throwing a monkey wrench into the engine of the "you can't do it that way" train. Honestly, even basic vanilla relationships are so diverse and have so many aspects, depending on the people involved, that it is impossible to lump them up and say "This is what a 'vanilla' relationship looks like." Start adding in dynamic variances, multiplying individuals, adding power tools... and how could it ever be possible to say "This is what a BDSM relationship or D/s relationship or M/s relationship is."? In our infinite variety, we can create anything we can imagine -- and if we have someone to share that vision with, ever more the miracle. Hell, my Darling and I have been together for more than a decade. We have really -bad- stretches at times... but the reason we're still together, even though we're both alpha females, have widely varied kinks, and sometimes can't even agree that the sky is blue is because even during our -bad- stretches we are happier together than we are apart. I may not understand everyone's choices, and they may not like my bloodthirsty nature... but that doesn't make it -wrong-. If you ask me for advice, I'll offer what I can, from what I've see, learned, heard -- but it is still only one person's perspective. Even someone going through the exact same experience right beside me is probably going to see things differently. I may disagree, but that doesn't make someone else's way 'wrong' -- mine is just one more perspective. Calla Firestorm

LaTigresse -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 11:02:47 AM)
Almost none of the relationships that exist between people I know (either here or in real life) are those that would work for me. Most are hetro, and the greater percentage are male dominant and female sub/slave. Many here are very active in their local BDSM groups and love to attend functions and go to active Dungeons/clubs. Not my thing. None of the above differences, changes how I feel about their dynamic. To me, it all comes down to sucessful, mature, communication. It shows. I've said on several occasions that there were a few people that I immediately had a negative reaction to when I read one or two of their posts. I love to use KoM as an example because he is one that I remember and had the most dramatic change in mindset towards. Now, I adore reading all three adult members, of that household's posts. I have learned SO MUCH from what they've been gracious enough to share. Yet, there are glaring differences between what works perfectly for them and what works for me. Neither is better overall, just both are better for the individuals involved in each situation. I cringe to imagine what I would have missed out on had I refused to see the value in what others have, just because they are vastly different people with vastly different styles of living. I honestly treasure the tidbits that the people that are doing this in their life, in their home, daily, share with us. Without them, I would be screwing up even more!

Missokyst -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 11:19:21 AM)
When I am in a bdsm relationship I am amazingly happy. There is nothing that feels as "right" in my world as when I feel secure enough to let someone else lead. I have a natural distrust of life, and relationships (familial, romantic,frienships) which always keeps me as a nomadic wanderer in life. I am prone to be an island on my own which can be very lonely. So finding that bdsm mate.. wow. It is like being tossed a warm blanket after a cold bath. It is finding an ally in a world of war. I have never relied on labels or roles to define me. For me bdsm is always about my relationship with the man, whether that is for short term, or for long term. Rocky times can be obstacles, but it teaches me to walk more carefully, and choose my steps wisely. Kyst

DesFIP -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 11:32:18 AM)
Absolutely right. The relationship I have is still evolving. It will never be like Merc and Beth's because we don't want that. I'm not into sadism. Nor being denied just to prove he has the power to do so, that sort of thing seems sophomoric to me. We do thinks that fulfill both of us and that is the bottom line.

Lockit -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 11:44:36 AM)
There are a number of people here with relationships I admire or enjoy reading about. It doesn't matter what I see in their relationships that might be different from my own when I have them or how I view things... they are simply beautiful in their expression, their sharing with themselves and us and I am thankful they are there, encouraging those who don't have such as living proof that it can happen. So many are discouraged. The one's I really know are not at this site and most are in person. I see some that don't work and some that do. The one's in person that I know, know that I love hearing about them and watching them because their happiness is like a bright star. I love that they are so happy! Year after year they remain happy too.

Lynnxz -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 12:24:16 PM)
Brilliant post Michael!

sublizzie -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 12:59:07 PM)
You will enjoy meeting BitaTrouble. She's a lovely lady. It was fun to watch her interacting with the people in the group when I met her. It helped me learn a lot about being a submissive without giving up one's personality. When I was introducing Santa to the idea that being kinky didn't mean abuse, I took him to his first play party. I told him to really look at the relationships that he would see there, especially a couple of the ones I knew well. Once he looked beyond the nudity, chains, flogging, etc he saw what that relationship was like and decided he wanted that too, luckily with me! I have a number of real life friends in the local lifestyle community. I admire the couples whose relationships have lasted for a multiplicity of years and are still happy together. Some are into poly, which isn't my thing. I'm not open to being sexually used by a multitude of people. But I know people who are very happily engaged in those behaviors within their relationships and it works for them. I want a relationship that lasts for years and years. I want to learn the secrets of those whose happy relationships last for that long. I deeply appreciate the things I've learned here. Some of it was about the stupidity of all people, dominant and submissive, and how some people tend to be constantly posting idiotic things while others just slip into it from time to time. It was nice to know that people are real not automatons. I enjoy reading about people being real rather than some perfect plastic person who never has issues or failings.

Deliena -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 1:52:10 PM)
Well up until a couple of weeks ago i strongly identified as a switch and was completely disinterested in a TPE style relationship because service did not appeal to me at all. Fast forward only 14 days and i'm completely in a different place, for various reasons the shape of the relationship i have with my Master has totally altered. i'm finding myself completely subservient and eager to please in any way possible. Voluntarily waiting on His every wish, word and desire. Changing the nature of the play we focus on because of His expressed pleasure in it. What's more i'm loving every single second of it. People at work are commenting on how serene and together i appear and even i (who have some serious self-esteem issues) can see that there is an alternation in attitude that is definitely to the good. He's younger, less experienced in BDSM and generally a pleasant, laid-back guy. He's strict about monogamy (to the extent that kissing my girl friends more than a pure peck on the cheek would be grounds for my dismissal). i'm nuerotic, control-freaky, brattish and have a desire to be with women whilst maintaining a primary relationship with a man - usually. At the minute i'm calm, satisfied and looking forward to the future, secure in my relationship and happy with all the limits, responsibilities and benefits that it affords. Vive la difference!

ResidentSadist -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 2:23:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I judge another on one single basis, are they and their partner/s happy. … … In short, if you are enjoying what you do, if you are moving forward in life, my hat is off to you no matter what label you want to wear, no matter if you drink their blood or ask before you hit them with a bunny flogger. Anyone else share this opinion? If you do, try and mention someone we might now, how they differ and why you think they are amazing. Lets keep this one positive! In line with your thinking, I can easily agree. In the end, all that matters between just two people is whether or not they’re happy. It doesn’t matter if they call themselves goldfish, zebras, vampires or Martians. However when it comes to interfacing socially with others, I offer you this proverb I shall craft. They’re once were two gazelles. They were sleek and fast and beautiful. They love to play games and lived a passionate and fulfilling life joining the gazelle community. Once they joined in the gazelle community, some older meaner gazelles decided to trick them. The older gazelles filed the happy young gazelles minds with misinformation. They told that being happy was all that matted, no matter what they called themselves. The gazelles decided to call themselves lions. They went out in the grass together and had role play, doing lion’s games and reporting back to their friends and debating about how lions “really and truly” lived. One day while strolling along the road, an older lion was walking along when suddenly two happy young gazelles came up and jumped into his mouth proclaiming, “look we are lions too”. So he ate them. Moral: There are many successfully mutually mis-categorized relationships. God bless them all but, don’t preach your ignorance to others or you will get them killed.

AquaticSub -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 3:12:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Anyone else share this opinion? If you do, try and mention someone we might now, how they differ and why you think they are amazing. Lets keep this one positive! Honestly, I really love watching you and BSB post in the forums. I think that you two have defied the boxes that some people insist on and I hope that you two will keep going for a long time. It's encouraging to those of us who also refuse to let others define us.

Lynnxz -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 3:16:51 PM)
O no... no more guppies/gazelles, or lions/sharks RS. I'll apply that logic next time a dom tries to chomp on my neck... it hasn't happened yet, but then again this isn't the Serengeti. Personally- I'm a people watcher... so I appreciate the differences in everyone, otherwise it'd be too boring around here. Actually, I've always admired Merc and Beth's relationship. It's so far away from anything I could ever handle, but they are so happy! Hard to explain, actually.

UR2Badored -> RE: "true" BDSM (8/18/2008 3:18:25 PM)
Some people will view any advanced or experienced member with genuine admiration and respect. Others will view any proclamation as an elitist as a predator. Not as a shark playing with sharks but as shark scavenging chum--many angles to one scenerio. It can come across as weak whereas the others may view it more as strength--it is only a matter of opinion. Who am I or anyone is to say one way is right or wrong if it works for the dynamic involved. Gizelles in the wild do not mistake themselves as lions. But lions can underestimate their prey or find themselves going after the weakest link in a herd. There are several angles to look at--not just one. On second thought, people reserve the right to only see one side of the coin with no other angle so I will just shush!.......and so it goes in regards to opinions [8\|]

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