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Coming out? - 8/19/2008 8:57:23 AM

baela

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline

i first discovered five years ago that i am a slave girl in my heart, but i married a vanilla guy after that and though i could surpress those feelings. Actually, I managed to be vanilla for three whole years, but at the end of these three years, unfortunately, i have gotten into such a state that i had to "come out" to my husband a few days ago. Ever since then, i have been in complete misery. He first called me a freak, said this need was silly and affected, and thought i was just being a teenager in need of attention. The next day, i tried to explain better, and he was willing to try to humor me, but it turns out that just being kinky isn't what i want.

One other thing... part of what prompted me to realize what was missing from my life was that i contacted my past Master, just to talk and see if He was alright and such things. When He was telling me what He had been doing since wWe had been appart, it was like a light came on in my head. my husband is understandably upset that i have spoken to my former Master and Lover, and has insisted that i stop, which i have, for the most part.

Did anyone else have this much trouble? i feel as if things are worse than before. i am not willing to go outside my marriage and feel that i will just have to continue to deny these parts of myself.

Post #: 1

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 9:13:51 AM

FlamingRedhead

Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline

You've made quite a messy bed for yourself to have to lie in! My advice is to immediately stop talking to your ex. If you ever want your husband to indulge you, then you have to get into the mindset that he's your Master, which he is. He's given you a command, and you're not complying fully with his wishes. It sends the wrong kind of message when you're already on shaky ground. When you can go to him and honestly say that you've done as he asked, try to explain your desires without using all the scary BDSM terminology. Use words like "head of household" or something like that so he can understand.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 2

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 10:44:55 AM

porcelain26

Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

I second the above post by FlamingRedhead!!

If you can phrase your desires in a more 'socially acceptable' way, you'll probably get a lot further. Rather then trying to explain a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, explain it in terms of traditional gender roles. There is a fantastic book out there that talks about this kind of stuff, but it's not a BDSM book (as far as I know at least)...it's called "The Surrendered Wife". It basically just explains how to go about getting your man to be the "Man of the House". Hehehe...The author doesn't use BDSM termanology, but being a submissive (who was also trying to deny that part of myself at the time) and reading it, I was over the moon excited. It might help! And it would help your hubby feel less threatened, I think. Unfortunately, the book doesn't give any pointers on how to get your hubby to tie you up and beat you - sorry!!!

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

Post #: 3

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 11:03:39 AM

MercTech

Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: baela

i first discovered five years ago that i am a slave girl in my heart, but i married a vanilla guy after that and though i could surpress those feelings.

Try and educate the hubby.
It might be he is thoroughly surpressing his own urges due to early training.

Been there, got over that.

Stefan

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 4

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 11:22:08 AM

MistressML

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

I married a submissive and had no idea that the D/s world existed. Like many, and probably like your husband, he probably thought it was all about "whips and chains."

Your future with your husband, and your degree of internal emotional needs, are going to depend on how you handle things from here on out. My husband suppressed his wants, desires and needs for nearly 15 years because he was worried about my reaction. Can you imagine? His approach was actually *awful* when it all happened, but by then it was the straw that broke the camel's back because for those 15 years, all I ever did was catch him lying to me and going around my back. Where is the trust in that? By coming clean, by him handing over the power and by my accepting it, it was truly the way to wipe the slate clean, in the most genuine way, and move forward. We now have the relationship I always wanted - but never knew I could have.

Coming from this end, my advice to you is not to push it. Offer your submissive behaviour to your husband, but don't push him. Don't give him a lecture about D/s, don't unload all your emotional baggage on him, just freely offer your submissive behaviour. The more submissive you are, the more dominant he will become. Let some time pass and when you are ready, and you feel your husband is ready, then you can begin to address the issue of a formal power exchange. Perhaps providing him with a book at Christmas might be an idea.....

(in reply to MercTech)

Post #: 5

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 11:53:54 AM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressML
The more submissive you are, the more dominant he will become.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic for the OP, but I have to say that I disagree with this statement. Not every man is dominant, obviously, and he may not want anything to do with being dominant to his wife. If it's not inside him, nothing she does will inspire him to enter into a power exchange with her.

I do agree with using a gentle approach to introducing your mate to the notion of D/s, but I think going into it you have to accept that no matter what you do, and no matter how submissive you may act to him ... it may never work out the way you want it to.

(in reply to MistressML)

Post #: 6

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 11:58:39 AM

softpjOS

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: baela

i first discovered five years ago that i am a slave girl in my heart, but i married a vanilla guy after that and though i could surpress those feelings. Actually, I managed to be vanilla for three whole years, but at the end of these three years, unfortunately, i have gotten into such a state that i had to "come out" to my husband a few days ago. Ever since then, i have been in complete misery. He first called me a freak, said this need was silly and affected, and thought i was just being a teenager in need of attention. The next day, i tried to explain better, and he was willing to try to humor me, but it turns out that just being kinky isn't what i want.

First, you married someone without telling them anything about this then years down the road expect them to immediately understand?

Sorry but it takes time and a lot of talking to help him come to terms with what you've told him. And it's quite possible that he won't be able to understand or accept it. Then what?

Personally, i think you need to figure out what you want before you can even begin to expect him to.

quote:

One other thing... part of what prompted me to realize what was missing from my life was that i contacted my past Master, just to talk and see if He was alright and such things. When He was telling me what He had been doing since wWe had been appart, it was like a light came on in my head. my husband is understandably upset that i have spoken to my former Master and Lover, and has insisted that i stop, which i have, for the most part.

Ok so, you were going along one day, not thinking about BDSM at all, just decided to contact your ex-Master and see what He was up to? You heard about His life and suddenly a light clicked on and everything was crystal clear?

And you go to your current husband and tell him about this enlightening converstation you had with your ex and this is supposed to help clarify things for him? He tells you to stop contacting your ex and you "for the most part" stop? Either you stopped or you didn't. Clearly you didn't.

You say you want him to be your Master yet can't follow the first rule he sets down for you. Obviously you are now going behind his back to continue to talk to your ex, which is the first step in cheating not to mention disobeying a direct order.

quote:

Did anyone else have this much trouble?

Nope, can't say that i did. I was honest, gave my husband time to digest what i was saying, clarified, gave him books to read, talked some more, gave him more time to process the information, talked more.... seeing a pattern here? I gave him time. I was completely honest and upfront. At no time did i sneak around behind his back and "kinda" honor his wishes.

quote:

i feel as if things are worse than before. i am not willing to go outside my marriage and feel that i will just have to continue to deny these parts of myself

.

You're right about it being a bigger mess but you can still do something about that. Start with being completely honest about everything. No secrets, no lies. Understand that he is going to be upset. Don't try to blame this on him with something like "well if you had listened to me in the first place, i wouldn't have gone back to talk to my ex more!" umm nope, that won't fly at all. Own what you've done and learn from it.

Give him time to settle down before trying to bring it up more. Introduce the topic in little pieces, giving him lots of time to think about what you've said before pushing more at him.

1. give him time
2. talk

rinse and repeat.

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 7

RE: Coming out? - 8/19/2008 11:15:08 PM

BiteGirl

Posts: 293
Joined: 4/27/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: baela
Did anyone else have this much trouble?

You're having these problems because you were not honest going into your marraige. You have this chance to set things right now though. Be honest with your other half and tell him what you desire, as the others have said, without using BDSM words and try to see it from his (vanilla) side... he may not understand yet that this is not just kinky sex but part of who you are. Explain it all to him... and be honest from now on. Good luck.

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 8

RE: Coming out? - 8/20/2008 3:09:20 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

A lot depends upon what you want...do you want to continue your marriage? Do you want your husand to be your dominant? If not, then it really doesn't make a difference what anyone else says, you're pretty much doomed for failure. If yes, then I agree with most of the others. Stop talking with your former dominant...not "just about"...stop. Then, talk to your husand about things. Yeah, forget all the bdsm stuff for now...just talk to the man you love...that shouldn't be all that hard.

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 9

RE: Coming out? - 8/20/2008 10:25:13 AM

roland23

Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Been there, done that. I've been in marriages and relationships like this. Human beings are dynamic, but clearly some are more dynamic than others. Some people on this site seem to have been born dominant or submissive. They have known since infancy that they wanted to live a BDSM lifestyle. Perhaps some of them found out about their feelings later, like in preschool or kindergarten. All the best to them, but for many of us this process takes years or even decades. Please understand that MANY MANY people out there do not agree with this lifestyle and it is quite natural for someone to enter into a vanilla relationship and then discover something is missing. We are not all as lucky as the natural born BDSMers!

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 10

RE: Coming out? - 8/20/2008 12:46:57 PM

subeos

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/23/2008
Status: offline

No one is perfect. Even though it seems that way here...lol... But try honesty and i would sit him down and have a chat. i hope that in time (lots) things can change for better.

~slave eos~

(in reply to roland23)

Post #: 11

RE: Coming out? - 8/20/2008 1:10:24 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

ok i will admit it i am confused. You knew you were a slave you have an ex master ans you still married vanilla. Why in the world did you do that? Feeling the way you felt why did you do this to your husband?

Matt's littleone

(in reply to subeos)

Post #: 12

RE: Coming out? - 8/20/2008 2:09:48 PM

TheTXRanch

Posts: 29
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline

I have been in this situation before (not married but living together in a vanilla relationship)... actually twice. Both times when I tried to force him into a position he didn't feel comfortable (being in control) it turned very abusive. These are both men that as far as I know had never hit a woman. I felt such a need to be controlled that I didn't care I how I was getting it. Remember that this is a marathon and not a race. Go slowly and get him to take control slowly, instead of all at once. Educate yourself, the book mentioned above is a great read and I agree with the advice already given. Give up communication with your former Master and focus on obeying your husband. Once he sees that you strive to please him through this new relationship dynamic, he might be more receptive. But remember.... it is baby steps that will get you through this.

Best wishes and keep us updated!

_____________________________

Respectfully,

julz

"Until they become conscious, they will never rebel, and until they have rebelled they cannot become conscious." 1984 by George Orwell

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 13

RE: Coming out? - 9/7/2008 9:43:38 AM

baela

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline

Wow.. there's really a lot to reply to, here! First, thank yYou aAll for all of yYour advice.

Secondly, i want to clear up some of the details. At the point when i wrote that message, it was only another day before i stopped talking to the former Master. The thing that kept me talking to Him was that He was worried about me because of some of the unhealthy situations in my marriage, namely that my husband has hit me before (the wrong way). Before aAnyone cautions me about this particular revelation, i have already let him know that i won't tolerate it anymore. Just because i'm submissive and like hitting doesn't mean i don't know the difference between kink and abuse.

Thirdly, my husband knew before we got married that i was a slave girl. Apparently, he thought it was just a phase i was going through, so when i told him about it again recently, he felt lied to. The thing is that i had convinced myself that it was a phase and something silly i had been involved in because i was feeling rebellious from my upbringing and i was in college, etc. Now i know that's not true.

About my former Master, no, i wasn't just going along one day and suddenly decided to call Him up out of the blue. For almost my entire marriage, i have worried about Him because how wWe parted ways. What finally prompted me to contact Him was that i had emergency surgery last December and nearly died on the table. Since then, i have tried very hard to become the person i have always wished i was, someone i could smile at in the mirror. i have always regretted my treatment of Him, and i had a dream that prompted me to finally call Him. Of course i knew i couldn't continue talking to Him.

As much as i would love to take it slow about talking about the lifestyle and showing him what i want and need and seeing if he can provide it, but it's my husband who keeps bringing it up and getting angry about it. At this point, i'm not sure if i do want him to be my Master or even my Top because he doesn't understand at all and i have no idea how to explain anything. It's to the point where he thinks that BDSM is morally wrong and i don't know how to convince him otherwise. Thank yYou all for the advice about terming it in more socially acceptable ways. That is something i will definitely be trying.

At the same time that i am desperate for him to understand and accept, i have also realized that this may never happen and i'll just have to slink back into the closet and stay there.

baela

Ps. TheTXRanch, i love your quote from 1984. That's one of my favorite books!

(in reply to TheTXRanch)

Post #: 14

RE: Coming out? - 9/7/2008 9:52:05 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: baela

i first discovered five years ago that i am a slave girl in my heart, but i married a vanilla guy after that and though i could surpress those feelings. Actually, I managed to be vanilla for three whole years, but at the end of these three years, unfortunately, i have gotten into such a state that i had to "come out" to my husband a few days ago. Ever since then, i have been in complete misery. He first called me a freak, said this need was silly and affected, and thought i was just being a teenager in need of attention. The next day, i tried to explain better, and he was willing to try to humor me, but it turns out that just being kinky isn't what i want.

One other thing... part of what prompted me to realize what was missing from my life was that i contacted my past Master, just to talk and see if He was alright and such things. When He was telling me what He had been doing since wWe had been appart, it was like a light came on in my head. my husband is understandably upset that i have spoken to my former Master and Lover, and has insisted that i stop, which i have, for the most part.

Did anyone else have this much trouble? i feel as if things are worse than before. i am not willing to go outside my marriage and feel that i will just have to continue to deny these parts of myself.

baela, this is a situation only you can resolve.

Who apart from you is affected? To what degree? And what level of sincerety did you apply when you said 'good bye' to your former master, or "I do' to your husband?

If you are a woman of integrity, you will consider all these things. Your desire to be in a M/s relationship again cannot (IMO) override your promises to others, especially to anyone not yet 18 years old.

It seems to me it's time for contemplation, and possibly marriage counseling....anything but abrupt decisions which will harm many more than you.

I wish you well.

candystripper

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 15

RE: Coming out? - 9/7/2008 11:05:02 AM

natty08

Posts: 14
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

I want to say I understand this on so many levels and while I have no advice if you need to talk well just PM me please.
x

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 16

RE: Coming out? - 9/7/2008 2:18:49 PM

eddiesubstl

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/30/2008
Status: offline

All,
i stated in my introductory post i would read a lot before i said anything but i have to say something to baela. Maybe it was unfair or not honest or whatever not to have insisted that your hubby fully understand, i don't know.
i have to say, there is no circumstance, no reason, no excuse for any violence that is not mutually agreed upon. A little face slapping, butt paddeling or whatever is one thing, abuse of a woman by a man is intollerable. No excuse. Period.
The former Master is concerned for your safety and well being and the husband hits you?
There is something VERY wrong with this picture. Short of pulling a Loraina Bobbet on me in the middle of the night, nothing would make me hit my wife, or any woman, for that matter. Sorry if that goes against the grain of anyone here.
Isn't this whole lifestyle supposed to be mutually gratifying?

(in reply to baela)

Post #: 17

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