Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom.

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 2/29/2004 9:00:00 PM

desire

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Okay, i'm very new to the lifestyle, at least in that i have not had the experience of physical real time to base my thoughts and opinions on. But, with time spent online talking and sharing and finding myself at a place where it is tearing me up when it comes to committing and how i feel so blasted judgemental and even hard and ungiving. i need to ask this question now, please.

Is it wrong/unsubmissive/unslavelike when seeking a Master/Dom that i feel a need that He be stable in the workforce and have at least a regular paying job with some stability and security in His position? It seems that so many i've talked to either have no job or are in between jobs or getting ready to change jobs or in an area where they only work when they *have* to work to make ends meet. Please don't misunderstand or get the wrong impression; i'm not looking for One that is making "mega bucks" by no means. Material things and money are not what counts for me in a relationship; my ex can vouch for that. It's just that when i talk to some and find a connection beginning and then i find out they don't really have a job that requires them to be responsible in more ways than just getting their bills paid or in getting up or going to bed at a certain time and just lots of other things that come with holding down a job or they are at the age where at least some stability would be in their life, i find myself with walls as thick and high as the earth and heavens. And i feel so awful for feeling that way. i hate that feeling and yet i have not been able to get past it yet.

Am i wrong to look at that when searching for a Master? And if i am, how can i learn to not see that as a stumbling block when getting to know someone?

i would really, really appreciate any advice and/or suggestions that this group may have to on this subject.

i'm sure i have probably not worded this correctly or explained it fully, but i do need some help in this area.

desire

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen; There will be solid ground to stand on, or you will be taught to fly." Barbara J. Winter

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 3/1/2004 12:47:20 AM

inyouagain

Posts: 418
Joined: 1/6/2004
Status: offline

Being Dominant is a position of responsibility, both for the Dominant's self, and for the Dominant's subs/slaves... and as any walk of life, better suited to responsible individuals.

How is 'responsible' defined? Many indicators such as maturity, self-control of one's life and one's self, performance and advancement in career or profession, developing and maintaining stability, taking care of recurring responsibilities, and essentially being a 'manager'.

Notwithstanding life circumstances including injury, paralysis, mental disorders, brain damage, WE ALL must be responsible, or trampled by those who exploit weaknesses of any kind. Many can't handle life in a responsible fashion, and mismanage anthing entrusted to them... even their own life. This end of the spectrum houses what are generally referred to as 'losers', and are characterized by many of your own descriptions, as well as alcoholism, drug addictions, and other suicidal tendencies which reflect an absence of responsibilty for self.

If a Dominant cannot be responsible for themself, the probability of them being responsible for their sub/slaves is low to say the least.

Let's not totally stereotype and discount anyone based on material stability... they may have owned Enron or Martha Stewart stocks, or even bought gas from Halburton? Financial straits is not necessarily based on a lack of responsibility... the true cause for a present situation could be any number of things, not merely irresponsibility.

Bullshitters come and go (wannabe's, players, trolls). They are often characterized by many of the things you mentioned also.

Seperating wheat & chaff is not wrong, and it is wise to know who is promising to be 'responsible' for you. If your new Dominant prospect asks to borrow money... run! If all they are after is money, they will not pursue usually, and will seek easier prey.

There are those who do not profess to be Pro Dominants, but their intent is to be supported by their sub/slaves. I'm not sure exactly what their urban folklore designation is, but it's probably synonymous with Pimp Master?

It is your right and responsibility to ensure you are in safe responsible hands, and I whole-heartedly urge you to do so... weed out the flim-flam and snake oil salesmen, and find the stability of responsibility you will need... that too varies with the individual in need.

Good luck and take your time to let the true nature manifest itself in your Dominant, and reserve your decision until your concerns are met or proven contrary.

Inyouagain

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 3/1/2004 6:34:02 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I agree with inyouagain regarding separating wheat from chaffe and for all the reasons he described. In a nutshell, he's right.

Whether someone has a job or not, however, is not the question I am reading in your post. Your post, to me, seemed to be about feeling guilty for using your discernment; or, rather, feeling guilty for being judgemental.

Perhaps you should ask yourself whether you are separating wheat from chaffe or being judgemental? It is right and good to assess a situation and decide whether it is a 'good fit' for you. If, however, you find your 'wall's' front a judgement about the worth of someone else in general then perhaps that is what is bothering you.

Realize that there is a world of difference between the two, realize that you deserve a GOOD fit, realize that you have the right to say "this is not a good fit for me" and that, given that decision, you then also have the right to make friendships with people who are not necessarily the right fit for you in other ways.

If you are 'connecting' and yet they do not exhibit the level of responsibility that you want in your life, it's ok to stay connected as long as you make it clear to them that you don't think you are a 'match' beyond friendship. In that way you do not put yourself at risk, nor do you run away from what is otherwise a positive interaction. Besides, someone who is responsible but has just fallen on hard times will respect that choice because they will respect your responsibility for yourself. Someone who takes it personally probably has more of the negative qualities you seem to think being unemployed denotes.

There are many types of relationships and you get to decide what kind you are in. Discernment is a positive life tool, ESPECIALLY for a submissive (as opposed to 'if you were really sub you wouldn't be so controlling' crap). There are a ton of reasons why someone could be unemployed. Some can even be successfully unemployed. It's also ok to not want to be in a relationship with someone who is not employed. You're entitled to your preferences.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 3/1/2004 6:36:42 AM >

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 3/1/2004 5:47:55 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

Hi desire,
You don't make it clear if you are seeking a 24/7 relationship or a Master for play but not one that would support you. If it is the latter I can speak from experience. My first Master was always "broke" , but we had some wonderful times and learned a lot together about ourselves and the lifestyle. When we needed to go to a motel for our sessions I always paid as I knew it would be a hardship on him. I also purchased all my outfits and toys we used except for an occasional gift from him. His gifts were valued greatly as i knew it was very difficult for him. However if you are seeking a 24/7 live in relationship then i think it's a different story and you need to access how you want to live and what is important to you.
proudsub

(in reply to MizSuz)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 3/1/2004 8:55:06 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: desire

Is it wrong/unsubmissive/unslavelike when seeking a Master/Dom that i feel a need that He be stable in the workforce and have at least a regular paying job with some stability and security in His position? It seems that so many i've talked to either have no job or are in between jobs or getting ready to change jobs or in an area where they only work when they *have* to work to make ends meet. Please don't misunderstand or get the wrong impression; i'm not looking for One that is making "mega bucks" by no means. Material things and money are not what counts for me in a relationship; my ex can vouch for that. It's just that when i talk to some and find a connection beginning and then i find out they don't really have a job that requires them to be responsible in more ways than just getting their bills paid or in getting up or going to bed at a certain time and just lots of other things that come with holding down a job or they are at the age where at least some stability would be in their life, i find myself with walls as thick and high as the earth and heavens. And i feel so awful for feeling that way. i hate that feeling and yet i have not been able to get past it yet.

Am i wrong to look at that when searching for a Master? And if i am, how can i learn to not see that as a stumbling block when getting to know someone?

Desire,
I think its a matter of personal preference. I too agree with you. If I were seeking a Dominant I'd like to think he had his own life together. Not to take care of me...but for me to know he could if need be.
The net is full of unemployed people with too much time on their hands. They happen to enter chat rooms...find this and that. Decide they are Dominants. Just the same way submissives are born.
Perhaps so many unemployed people who are fantasizing are doing just that. It could be a psychological issue. Their own life is so out of control. Thinking they have control over someone else gives them a little bit of inner peace.
Regardless whatever the reason is though, it all comes down to whether its ok with you. If not keep searching. If so, keep the bum.

Gloria

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 3/2/2004 7:44:24 AM

ShadowHwk

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: desire

Is it wrong/unsubmissive/unslavelike when seeking a Master/Dom that i feel a need that He be stable in the workforce and have at least a regular paying job with some stability and security in His position? It seems that so many i've talked to either have no job or are in between jobs or getting ready to change jobs or in an area where they only work when they *have* to work to make ends meet. Please don't misunderstand or get the wrong impression; i'm not looking for One that is making "mega bucks" by no means. Material things and money are not what counts for me in a relationship; my ex can vouch for that. It's just that when i talk to some and find a connection beginning and then i find out they don't really have a job that requires them to be responsible in more ways than just getting their bills paid or in getting up or going to bed at a certain time and just lots of other things that come with holding down a job or they are at the age where at least some stability would be in their life, i find myself with walls as thick and high as the earth and heavens. And i feel so awful for feeling that way. i hate that feeling and yet i have not been able to get past it yet.

Am i wrong to look at that when searching for a Master? And if i am, how can i learn to not see that as a stumbling block when getting to know someone?

desire,

First off you are not wrong, in any way, to look out for your own needs. Period. To be able to control someone else, and Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress (DDMM) must first be in control of their own life. If they are not, what chance do you have of them doing a good job controlling yours? Slim and none.

Second, if the DDMM is not at least completely self-supporting, then the dynamic changes between the two of you - drastically. Let me make this clear, I am not talking about the day-to-day up and downs that happen in any committed relationship. But more about the "Master" who has to borrow money from his slave just to take her to dinner on a regular basis. That puts him/her at an obvious psychological disadvantage. How is this likely to play out over time? It is likely that DDMM will begin to resent this dependence upon the sub/slave. How we he/she deal with that resentment – that is anyone’s guess. But I am guessing it wouldn’t be good.

Third, this brings to mind another thought. With all of the above being said, if when you enter the relationship, the DDMM does pull his or her own weight, but then something changes – usually the job status, through no fault of their own – I.E. Layoffs. Then I would expect any sub/slave to stand by their partner and be supportive and understanding of the stresses that the loss of an income can have on a relationship/partnership.

Peace and Light
Terry
AKA ShadowHwk

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 3/2/2004 4:01:03 PM

SherriA

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShadowHwk

But more about the "Master" who has to borrow money from his slave just to take her to dinner on a regular basis. That puts him/her at an obvious psychological disadvantage.

There are work arounds for most anything...

He doesn't have to borrown money to take his slave out for dinner. He can simply make it her responsibility to take *him* out for dinner, when that's what he desires. That wouldn't work for me, personally, but it would certainly work for lots of folks. Most things can be seen in at least two ways, if you look for other perspectives.

Take this example: Two d/s couples go out for dinner together. One master orders for his slave, because he controls what she gets to eat in their dynamic. The other slave orders for her master, because it's her responsibility to serve and take care of him. They've just taken opposite approaches to the same issue, and both work equally well, for the appropriate people.

-- Sherri

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 7/30/2004 3:54:01 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Hmm whatever happened to Shadowhwk, are you still around?

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 7/31/2004 7:13:53 AM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Is it wrong/unsubmissive/unslavelike

The fact is, you want what you want. It is not wrong. It is not unsubmissive. It is not unslavelike. Being a submissive does not negate your ability to think for yourself and to use your judgement to discern that which will or will not work for you. In your search for a dominant partner or for just friends, you will encounter those who are unsuitable for you for a variety of reasons. To make the best decision, you must use your own judgement and powers of discernment. Use your intuition, listen to that voice inside of yourself that will say yay or nay or tells you to run like hell. In the process of doing so, know that you are being true to yourself. You must be so. Do not feel guilty for it. Do not let others make you feel guilty for it. You are not being unsubmissive or unslavelike. You are not topping from the bottom. You are not less submissive. You are a thoughtful and capable woman, that does not change.

newflowers

< Message edited by newflowers -- 7/31/2004 7:15:21 AM >

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 7/31/2004 7:31:46 AM

iwillserveu

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Yes, it is unslave like.

Unfortunately you are a human being.

If you fail to watch out for your own intresets, no one will protect your interests.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 7/31/2004 8:35:45 AM

theroebabe

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: desire

Is it wrong/unsubmissive/unslavelike when seeking a Master/Dom that i feel a need that He be stable in the workforce and have at least a regular paying job with some stability and security in His position? It seems that so many i've talked to either have no job or are in between jobs or getting ready to change jobs or in an area where they only work when they *have* to work to make ends meet. Please don't misunderstand or get the wrong impression; i'm not looking for One that is making "mega bucks" by no means. Material things and money are not what counts for me in a relationship; my ex can vouch for that. It's just that when i talk to some and find a connection beginning and then i find out they don't really have a job that requires them to be responsible in more ways than just getting their bills paid or in getting up or going to bed at a certain time and just lots of other things that come with holding down a job or they are at the age where at least some stability would be in their life, i find myself with walls as thick and high as the earth and heavens. And i feel so awful for feeling that way. i hate that feeling and yet i have not been able to get past it yet.

Am i wrong to look at that when searching for a Master? And if i am, how can i learn to not see that as a stumbling block when getting to know someone?

desire

Hi Desire,

I dont think you are wrong feeling this way. I too am looking for a master/dom/life partner and i feel they should at the very least be a funtioning member of society. In a former life i was involved with someone who was unable to work, and to be honest i was very resentful of the fact that even though i worked full time i still had to be nurse, hand maiden, chauffer and sex slave and everything else. Granted the person was disabled but it is very hard to be in a realtionship like that if you are not wired for it.

And i think that someone who isnt working and is able to would be more aggrevating to me. Its one thing if you get laid off and all but its another not to be able to provide something to contribute to the household. I do not really intend to be my Masters keeper. If circumstances arose in an established relationship, where that occurred, thats one thing, but to start a new relationship on such footing well it s not for me.

In my everyday life i have bills to pay and responsibilities. To add on the responsibiulity of a fully functional adult is not on my things to look for in a dominant list. I am sorry if it sounds to some that i am not submissive. I am, and will only be one day to those that are responsible mature adults, one that does not need a submissive to do for them, rather one that wants a sub to share the journey with and that makes it easier for both.

Good luck in your journey! Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to desire)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Stability in vanilla life in a Master/Dom. - 7/31/2004 8:45:36 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Whether someone has a job or not, however, is not the question I am reading in your post. Your post, to me, seemed to be about feeling guilty for using your discernment; or, rather, feeling guilty for being judgemental.

I am reading the same thing. So I would point the issue back to the original poster.

What it gets back to are your own feelings. You are the one who would have to submit
to said individual. Do you feel you could do that? If you have misgivings about a person
then it is time to take a long and hard look at those misgivings and decide what they mean. Whatever your feelings are, they mean something which only you can truly
answer. We could go on and on about the dynamic changing because the person is
unemployed, etc., but when the rubber meets the road, you are the one choosing to
live in submission to that person.

From my own perspective, I work a job which could be called psychotic in that I am basically on-call 7x24x365 to work. Additionally, entrance to the union is based on number of hours worked compared to everybody else who works down on the docks, so I cannot miss work or I get passed on the race to get into the union. This is one of the reasons I tend to be unwilling to invite another person to share the hell I am living.

So anybody I do end up with will have to understand that until I am in the union, my
life is not my own. Which is rather difficult for me to say, because I personally dont
consider it to really fit my own personal definition of what being a Dominant is.

However, back to the question. How do you feel about this person?

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to theroebabe)

Profile

Post #: 12