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An online friend of mine is interested in becoming a domme - 8/20/2008 1:27:53 AM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		I've known her for several years now through various forums, but have only recently begun to talk to her a lot. She's a very sexually adventurous woman, with a huge sex drive, and she's into just about anything. So she was intrigued by me telling her about my experiences with BDSM.

I remarked to her one day that I thought she would make the perfect domme, since she's both strikingly beautiful (she's a fashion model, 6 feet tall and seems to radiate power) and highly intelligent (she's also a med student). She was initially amused by this, but we talked about it more. She's very curious about all aspects of sexuality. She has submitted before but never thought she would make a good dominant. She was turned on by the idea; she just wasn't sure she could really do it (she has some self-confidence issues). I asked her to just read some stories and see what she likes and doesn't like, and keep an open mind to the idea.

Anyway, I wasn't sure she was really interested, but then she showed me one of the pictures she had taken for a photo shoot, and she remarked that she thought she looked very powerful in it (I agreed) and "dominatrix-like." This seemed to show a little interest. Fast forward a couple weeks and I saw a book online called The Mistress's Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Domination by "Mistress Lorelei." I decided to buy it for her, without really knowing much about it. Anyway, she ended up reading the whole thing, and now she's VERY interested in exploring her dominant side.

She wants me to help her by, among other things, letting her dominate me via webcam. That sounds great to me; even if she's inexperienced, the idea of submitting to someone like her is wonderful to me. But I'm worried that I'm treading a thin line here. She wants to learn from me, but is it possible for me to be a mentor to her and maintain the role of submissive in the relationship? And in fact, hasn't all this persuasion I've been doing been a form of "topping from the bottom"? Am I doing this for her, or for me? These are all questions I've been asking myself.

Of course, regardless of my motives, or whether or not I was being manipulative, she now is genuinely interested in domination. So I want to steer her on the right path. Can I do this? I'm still young and pretty inexperienced; I've been collared real-time before but don't consider myself an expert. So I'm trying to find books for her to read, written by people who are experienced, and also pointing her to less scholarly sources, such as BDSM Library and Milovana. Am I taking the right approach?

And what about the cam sessions? My idea for them is that she'll test out what she's learned, I'll be the good submissive my dommes have always told me I am, and then afterwards I'll give her feedback. But is this constructive? Can she learn anything from this? After all, cam sessions are not the same as real-time. But then again, this really beautiful, intelligent woman wants to dominate me on cam; I'd have to be crazy not to let her, right?

This is kind of a big question. I guess I'm just looking for feedback and suggestions. Whether I'm going about this the right way, what my next step should be, etc. Also any recommendations for resources I could point her to would be much appreciated. And I guess as a question to the dominants out there: how did you first learn "the ropes"? Did you read anything in particular, did you learn from pornography, did you learn from another dominant, etc. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 1:35:12 AM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		I wanted to say something, but then I realized there were 20 or so things I needed to say about this, so I'll just shut up.

Send her here to read and learn, and check out links to other info as well.

(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 2:03:29 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Get out into the local community. Read non-fiction stuff. Attend demos and workshops.

And don't assume that gorgeous + six feet tall + powerful + smart = dominant. Let HER figure out where she belongs and hopefully she doesn't do it based on her looks or what people tell her she SHOULD be.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to youngstownsubm)
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RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 2:29:19 AM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:


And don't assume that gorgeous + six feet tall + powerful + smart = dominant. Let HER figure out where she belongs and hopefully she doesn't do it based on her looks or what people tell her she SHOULD be.


See, I'm not really of the belief that everyone "belongs" somewhere. There are certainly natural submissives and natural dominants, but I don't think the vast majority of people are either one of those. Some people are just into sexuality in general. She is such a person.

I never told her she SHOULD be a domme; I simply told her she WOULD make a good domme. There's a difference.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 5:02:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The difference between mentoring and topping comes in your approach. Yes, a submissive can teach a domme. For technical stuff, there's nothing wrong in telling them they're wrist action with a toy is wrong, they need to hold and use it a different way to avoid wrapping. And there's nothing wrong in telling them ahead of time what wrapping is and why it shouldn't happen.

Beyond that, telling them "no don't hit me with that first, I don't like it" does come perilously close to topping them but saying "if you hit me with the harder stuff first, I can't take as much as when you warm me up with easier stuff" is mentoring. It's giving them specific advice on how you work. And as I've always said, "doesn't matter how much experience with others you have, you aren't nearly the expert on me that I am". If she wants to know what works on you, then you are the person to ask. She just needs to know that what works on you may send the next one screaming into the woods.

But she needs more sources of info than just you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to youngstownsubm)
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RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 5:14:36 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I think a sub can be a good mentor to a Domme ... especially if they are already aware of the fine line between mentoring and topping from the bottom. The fact that you are aware bodes well. I agree with DesFIP's advice here that it's all in the approach. And while I no longer find online/webcam stuff satisfying, I did find it a useful way to start. The idea of subbing first and feedback after is a good one. Dissociating the feedback from the scene will help to avoid TFTB.

I do also agree with MasterFireMaam in that those criteria don't necessarily make a Domme! However, it does seem that you have piqued a genuine curiosity within her and fine to encourage her to explore it for herself. Get her to join up here ... loads of help and advice to be had, to read widely and most of all, to get out into the local community and find real life mentors. I learned SO much by going to discussion groups, play parties and workshops in terms of safe practice. However, she also needs to work out for herself what she wants out of it and to recognise that may change over time too.

If you want a bit of a heads up on some good sites for reading, msg Me on the other side. And She is welcome to write to Me if She wants, I'm a teacher who can't resist a student

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 7:10:49 AM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

I think a sub can be a good mentor to a Domme ... especially if they are already aware of the fine line between mentoring and topping from the bottom. The fact that you are aware bodes well. I agree with DesFIP's advice here that it's all in the approach. And while I no longer find online/webcam stuff satisfying, I did find it a useful way to start. The idea of subbing first and feedback after is a good one. Dissociating the feedback from the scene will help to avoid TFTB.

I do also agree with MasterFireMaam in that those criteria don't necessarily make a Domme! However, it does seem that you have piqued a genuine curiosity within her and fine to encourage her to explore it for herself. Get her to join up here ... loads of help and advice to be had, to read widely and most of all, to get out into the local community and find real life mentors. I learned SO much by going to discussion groups, play parties and workshops in terms of safe practice. However, she also needs to work out for herself what she wants out of it and to recognise that may change over time too.

If you want a bit of a heads up on some good sites for reading, msg Me on the other side. And She is welcome to write to Me if She wants, I'm a teacher who can't resist a student

Maam Jay aka violet[A]


Thanks. Message sent. And thanks DesFIP too.

I think I'll take everyone's advice and invite her to come to this site next time I talk to her. I'm sure she could learn a lot from it.

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 7:18:42 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I believe that becasue your motives seem to be at least partially selfish that you might not be the best mentor for her. Make sure she understands that you are interested in being her toy, which will color what you teach. A party just interested in helping someone learn without being interested in being theirs has a much broader range of what they can teach. Because you are interested in being the subject, you will lean towards only instructing in what you like. While that is not a bad thing, it is limiting. She should not be barred from learning things just ebcasue you dont enjoy them.
You are a good beginning, but make sure she knows that she will need other resources in order to learn. I am sure there are several of us here she can speak with, the majority of us with very varied interests and expereinces. I am with MaamJay, I am more than happy to help someone who is learning as long as they truly wish to learn.

DV 

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 7:27:14 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: youngstownsubm
I remarked to her one day that I thought she would make the perfect domme, since she's both strikingly beautiful (she's a fashion model, 6 feet tall and seems to radiate power) and highly intelligent (she's also a med student). She was initially amused by this, but we talked about it more. She's very curious about all aspects of sexuality. She has submitted before but never thought she would make a good dominant. She was turned on by the idea; she just wasn't sure she could really do it (she has some self-confidence issues). I asked her to just read some stories and see what she likes and doesn't like, and keep an open mind to the idea.


There are so many things to say here.  I mentor both submissives and dominants alike.  I'm a technical person..so I know how to swing a flogger..etc.  It can be done. 

On another note, I've met a lot of real people in my life.  Real in this life.  Most attractive people who call themselves fem doms, rarely take on their own submissives.  If they do...they sort of look like they do.  Most become pro's. 

You can't just create your own fem dom because you like the way she look's.  Odds are when she learns if she chooses this life she is going to go her own way and you yours.  Leaving you out in the cold.

Male subs seem to be more visually oriented then female subs.  I think that is one of the reasons they find it so much harder to find a mate. 

Ask her to attend real life events.  Encourage her to read.  Don't feel too bad when she leaves you in the cold after she gets her bearings on what she wants to do within the lifestyle.

I'm not trying to hurt you here or be rude.  I'm merely stating what I have seen in real life..it always seems to play out the same way.  For your sake I hope it doesn't this time.


(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 7:43:32 AM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I believe that becasue your motives seem to be at least partially selfish that you might not be the best mentor for her. Make sure she understands that you are interested in being her toy, which will color what you teach. A party just interested in helping someone learn without being interested in being theirs has a much broader range of what they can teach. Because you are interested in being the subject, you will lean towards only instructing in what you like. While that is not a bad thing, it is limiting. She should not be barred from learning things just ebcasue you dont enjoy them.
You are a good beginning, but make sure she knows that she will need other resources in order to learn. I am sure there are several of us here she can speak with, the majority of us with very varied interests and expereinces. I am with MaamJay, I am more than happy to help someone who is learning as long as they truly wish to learn.

DV 


I'm trying to make sure I'm only a part of her BDSM education, not all of it. That's why I sent her that book, and also why I am looking for other resources.

I will admit that I was originally motivated partially by self-interest. But I also cared about her, and wanted her to be happy. I legitimately believe that she could benefit from exploring her dominant side. And the fact that I feel so submissive toward her is helping me to be a little more selfless in trying to pique her interests.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

There are so many things to say here.  I mentor both submissives and dominants alike.  I'm a technical person..so I know how to swing a flogger..etc.  It can be done. 

On another note, I've met a lot of real people in my life.  Real in this life.  Most attractive people who call themselves fem doms, rarely take on their own submissives.  If they do...they sort of look like they do.  Most become pro's.

You can't just create your own fem dom because you like the way she look's.  Odds are when she learns if she chooses this life she is going to go her own way and you yours.  Leaving you out in the cold.


I'm not trying to become her permanent slave. We live in different countries, so it would be impractical anyway, and I have needs that can only be fulfilled with real-time submission. I legitimately just want her to find her dominant side, and if she likes it enough to become a pro domme then good for her (I doubt she would considering she's studying to become a doctor).

quote:

Male subs seem to be more visually oriented then female subs.  I think that is one of the reasons they find it so much harder to find a mate.


I think you have me all wrong. I'm much more attracted to her intelligence, and the way she presents herself, than to her physical characteristics. She's beautiful, yes, but she's not the only beautiful woman I've ever known. And my last domme, whom I was in a collared relationship with, was a BBW. I find lots of different types of women attractive. This one just happens to be attractive in the fashion model sense.


< Message edited by youngstownsubm -- 8/20/2008 7:44:56 AM >

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 8:10:41 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: youngstownsubm
I think you have me all wrong. I'm much more attracted to her intelligence, and the way she presents herself, than to her physical characteristics. She's beautiful, yes, but she's not the only beautiful woman I've ever known. And my last domme, whom I was in a collared relationship with, was a BBW. I find lots of different types of women attractive. This one just happens to be attractive in the fashion model sense.


I only went on what you said in your original post.  I'm glad I have you wrong.

And as far as becomming a doctor.  Have you checked into the price of med school lately?  Know how much a pro fem dom brings in on a daily basis?  It could pay off all the student loans in record time.



(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/20/2008 8:13:36 AM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

quote:

ORIGINAL: youngstownsubm
I think you have me all wrong. I'm much more attracted to her intelligence, and the way she presents herself, than to her physical characteristics. She's beautiful, yes, but she's not the only beautiful woman I've ever known. And my last domme, whom I was in a collared relationship with, was a BBW. I find lots of different types of women attractive. This one just happens to be attractive in the fashion model sense.


I only went on what you said in your original post.  I'm glad I have you wrong.

And as far as becomming a doctor.  Have you checked into the price of med school lately?  Know how much a pro fem dom brings in on a daily basis?  It could pay off all the student loans in record time.



Again, she doesn't live in America. She lives in England, where med school is significantly cheaper. But this is kind of a moot point because I'd be perfectly fine with her becoming a pro domme if she wanted to.


< Message edited by youngstownsubm -- 8/20/2008 8:14:34 AM >

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/21/2008 11:34:29 AM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		She told me just now that she wants to learn more before she starts to actually do any real experience. I told her I thought this was a good idea and sent her the link to this thread and to this site.

Is there a way of signing up at Collarchat without creating a Collarme profile? I think the last thing she wants is to get 100 emails a day from subs when she is just starting out. Especially considering the kinds of emails people get here, it might be a quick way for her to become pretty jaded and turned off by the idea.


< Message edited by youngstownsubm -- 8/21/2008 11:38:33 AM >

(in reply to youngstownsubm)
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RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/21/2008 11:40:24 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Is she interested in being an online webcam pro femdom, or a real life, at a dungeon, in person dominatrix? There's a big difference. Surely you can help her with the online route, but I am not sure about helping her in any way if she wants to go work at a dungeon and do sessions in real life.

Akasha


_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/21/2008 11:46:56 AM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		dont forget the books, The Art of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women, Female Dominance: Rituals and Practices, and Female dominace: The Games She Plays all by Claudia Varrin.

And as always The Loving Dominate, S&M 101, and The Erotic Bondage Hand book.

she should be set after that book wise

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat



(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/21/2008 11:47:14 AM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		She can just sign up and then turn her profile off.

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/21/2008 12:15:23 PM   
youngstownsubm


Posts: 33
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha



Is she interested in being an online webcam pro femdom, or a real life, at a dungeon, in person dominatrix? There's a big difference. Surely you can help her with the online route, but I am not sure about helping her in any way if she wants to go work at a dungeon and do sessions in real life.

Akasha



I can't speak for her, but I don't really thinks he has interest in being a pro domme at all. She's the type of person who wants to help others and has wanted to be a doctor for a long time, and pretty soon she will be.

She's just interested in exploring her dominant side. I told her to sign up here so she can learn more about BDSM.

< Message edited by youngstownsubm -- 8/21/2008 12:16:09 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: An online friend of mine is interested in becoming ... - 8/22/2008 12:27:17 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I would recommend her signing up here and turning her profile off as C-D suggested. Warn her that if she posts in the forums she should probably mention that and explain why it's off as not being able to access her profile might get some forum posters thinking she's a fake. One thing I'm not sure about though is whether she can send and receive msgs on the other side if her profile is turned off?? Surely someone more knowledgeable than I about how the site operates can answer that. I think I've received msgs in the past and not been able to reply because the profile no longer existed but I'm not sure whether that means it was simply turned off or pulled completely. Advice on that someone please?

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

(in reply to youngstownsubm)
Profile   Post #: 18
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