|
CallaFirestormBW -> RE: needs on top and bottom (8/20/2008 3:13:27 PM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: nhite
but i did start to wonder - i do want to serve a man; i do want to be in his control and pleasure him (physically or otherwise ie thru obedience); yet i have needs as well. it could be said that by offering to serve i'm giving up the right to my needs but if my needs wont be met, then why bother serving? at that point its just work without a paycheck ;)
This question can't be answered "generally" -- what you need to do is recognize your own needs and your expectations for the kind of relationship that is going to be fulfilling for you, and then enter into discussions with people with that in mind. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't recognize your needs, then make sure you are clear about what your needs -are-, and listen carefully when the individual you are negotiating with addresses how or if those needs will be met.
Most of the problems that come about in this area come because the individuals involved did not address or were not clear enough about their needs or expectations (and for some, because they made the choice to sublimate their needs to their desire to have "someone... anyone" in their lives.) Patience, self-awareness, clarity, communication and, again, -patience- will alleviate many of these mis-match situations.
Also -- for those who are looking to yield up everything... this may go against everything you've ever been told, but it is my recommendation (on both sides) for each person to hold an unspecified "no-fault" period -- a reasonable period of time where the means by which to extricate oneself from an unhealthy, unsafe situation are left in place. Honestly, if I had my preferences, I'd suggest that everyone on both sides of the collar hold on to their 'escape hatch' for a full year -- it takes some people that long to show their true colors. Most people can hold on to their masks for a few hours or a few days. Quite a few can hold on for weeks or a couple of months. Some can hold on for a couple of months to half a year, and there are a few who can continue to hide behind a mask for as much as a year -- especially for those individuals who are thinking about getting involved in a relationship where they would abdicate -every- aspect of their lives, from finances to transportation, and where they would literally put themselves completely at the other person's mercy, I think that this is a huge leap of faith. I've been known to make leaps of faith like that myself. I think I've been lucky, in that most of them have proven to be amazingly beneficial -- but not all of them are, so if a person is skittish and has any doubts about the wisdom of the decision, go ahead and leave an 'escape hatch' for a while, so that if you need to get out, you can. You can abandon the escape-plan at any time, once you're sure of what you're doing. This advice isn't just for submissive individuals, either -- it also applies to dominant individuals who take on a "full immersion" servant... set their offerings aside for a while... make sure that this person is going to fit into your life, and truly be a worthwhile servant before you integrate hir existence into your own completely... if you need to get out or get hir out... everything is still intact and the separation process is much more clean and less full of drama.
Some people may disagree with me about the wisdom of this piece of advice, but as a pastoral care counselor, I've seen it come in handy a few times and found the lack both risky and problematic several more. (BTW, I make the same recommendation for marriage and same-gender commitment where there hasn't been a long 'courting' period and ample opportunity to really get to know the other person intimately for at least a year).
CFB
|
|
|
|
