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Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:13:31 PM   
catize


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I don’t often talk about my first year in the ‘lifestyle’ because it was an experience that exemplified HOW to do it ALL Wrong.  Granted, as a mature adult I hold myself accountable for parts of it.  But his thrills took precedence over my safety.  The finale came when I tried to discuss it and he wouldn’t even acknowledge that what he demanded was dangerous.  End of story, or so I thought.
Fast forward 5 years….this man called me a few weeks ago.  So here was his voice on the phone and I didn’t hang up.  Why?  To my amazement, I felt a tug, a pull, a hope that we could reconnect.  I was surprised at my reaction; it scared me because he scares me.  No matter the bad feelings about that episode in my life, it was a year-long bungee jump, an adrenaline rush where luck was the only factor in my survival.
We talked for over an hour and it became clear that he hasn’t changed…..but I have.  He’s called several times since but I let t go to voice mail and I did not call back.  A wise friend once told me that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.  That friend was correct; so far there have been no more calls.
Am I crazy that I felt that pull, that longing? Is my confusion because I was addicted to him or was I addicted to the highs (which sometimes makes me forget the lows.)
Does anyone else have someone in their past who is all wrong but you still are attracted? 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:16:26 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

Am I crazy that I felt that pull, that longing? Is my confusion because I was addicted to him or was I addicted to the highs (which sometimes makes me forget the lows.)
Does anyone else have someone in their past who is all wrong but you still are attracted? 


I still keep in touch with an old boyfriend. Our relationship was definitely not healthy for either of us, but every so often, I start to wonder what would happen if he showed up on my doorstep some night, because even though he was toxic, we had some amazingly high moments that really feed my Chaos kink.

CFB


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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:24:09 PM   
UR2Badored


Posts: 506
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes with time and those close-calls-what-was-I-thinking experiences we may lose some of our spontanuity for something more substantial.  In the beginning of this journey, I definitely made my share of mistakes and still do........As I get older, the nice guys do not finish last anymore. To answer your question : Does anyone else have someone in their past who is all wrong but you still are attracted? 

The answer is yes, but I do not go there anymore. 
 
cute thread title btw

< Message edited by UR2Badored -- 8/20/2008 3:30:01 PM >

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:35:51 PM   
marieToo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

 
Am I crazy that I felt that pull, that longing? Is my confusion because I was addicted to him or was I addicted to the highs (which sometimes makes me forget the lows.)
Does anyone else have someone in their past who is all wrong but you still are attracted? 


Yes, I think this is pretty common.  In each case it may be for different reasons.  It could be that you were addicted to the highs, or it could be that you were addicted to the person you thought he was or the person you wish he could be. 

Sometimes for whatever reasons we form ideas of who a particular person is, and it's that image that we fall for. Then we find out that they weren't half as much as we thought they were, but we still have that original image of them etched in our brains.  If you go back to him, it will probably be exciting at first, until it crashes again for the same reasons it went down the first time.

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I give good agita.









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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:48:07 PM   
mztresn0w


Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		Over time what was wrong with a relationship fades from our thoughts and we tend to remember the good things. There is nothing wrong that. We grow and we change and hopefully we improve. Friendships can be a good thing to replace that relationship. If being lovers didn't work then perhaps you can just be friends and build on that. We remember our past but hopefully we live in the present.

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:51:32 PM   
catize


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quote:

 wonder what would happen if he showed up on my doorstep some night, because even though he was toxic, we had some amazingly high moments that really feed my Chaos kink.


 
Reality wins the day, hopefully!


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:54:57 PM   
catize


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quote:

 ...As I get older, the nice guys do not finish last anymore.
cute thread title btw  


 
Nods---experience shows one can have the nice guy(s) who are mean enough but still care about the realities!
~grins~  kinda liked it too!


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 3:57:34 PM   
catize


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quote:

 or it could be that you were addicted to the person you thought he was or the person you wish he could be.  


That rings true for me, an image I wanted but the cold facts proved otherwise!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 4:03:53 PM   
catize


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quote:

 perhaps you can just be friends and build on that. We remember our past but hopefully we live in the present.  



 
I don’t think he’s gotten a better handle on reality in the ensuing years---I’m pretty sure friendship wasn’t what he had in mind!


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"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 4:21:29 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		That happened to me once. There was a guy that I just couldn't seem to get over no matter what. I knew he wasn't good for me but that didn't really matter. Then out of the blue he contacted me. And yeah, I went for it, we dated for a while and one night I suddenly realized that some place along the line I had finally outgrown him. He would call and casually mention that he was out of smokes or how good a beer sounded and the old me would run right out and get what he needed and take it to him. The grown up me didn't do that, in fact the last time I saw him I suggested that he break down and get a job and maybe do some growing up.
 
If I had it to do over... I probably would have done the same things, I learned a lot about myself in the process. That made it worth it to me.
 
Jewel

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 4:42:41 PM   
Abaddon2u


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Status: offline 		Yes, however the sexual aspect is not worth the price in other areas.

Abaddon

"the only difference between myself and a mad man is that I am not mad." - Salvador Dali
"Reality is that which when you stop believing in it, it doesn't go away" - Philip K. Dick

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 4:51:47 PM   
slaveluci


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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
Am I crazy that I felt that pull, that longing? Is my confusion because I was addicted to him or was I addicted to the highs (which sometimes makes me forget the lows.)
Does anyone else have someone in their past who is all wrong but you still are attracted? 

My ex-husband is a career criminal, a junkie/addict, a sociopath and basically just a downright bastard in many ways.  I loved that man like I've never loved anyone else until I met Master.  I still love him despite all the hell he brought into my life.  I would still do anything I could to help him if I wasn't scared for him to know where I am in this world.  Those are just facts. 

I knew he was a "bad guy" but I fell for him and maybe that's the main reason I fell for him, who knows?  I still can remember the few really good times we had even though they were totally obscured by some horrible ones.  If I had not met Master, I am convinced I would still be with my ex-husband, still being totally disrespected and abused in very unhealthy and unfulfilling ways.  It's my love for Master and the ways He's helped me see myself as He sees me that finally brought me to the realization that going back into that nightmare would be the worst thing in the world I could do for both me and my family.

It took the real Man I've found in Master to show me a better way and cause me to really want that better way.  But, do I still remember my ex and still wish that way back then things could have gone right?  You bet.  He was the love of my life for years and it hurts to see what he's become and to know I left him.  It was best for me but I still think of him and always wish him the best, regardless of how he hurt me.  You're not alone, catize.....................luci

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 4:53:24 PM   
slaveluci


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
...even though he was toxic, we had some amazingly high moments that really feed my Chaos kink

Yeah, what she said.  I love how you summed that up.  That's exactly how it was with my ex..............luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 5:24:00 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Men and women are the same species.   Neither gender is better than the other.

Men are attracted to a pretty woman, even if she is a female dog.

Similarly, if a women is attracted to a man, she stays attracted to him, even if he is son of a female ditch.

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/20/2008 6:32:20 PM   
catize


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quote:

 If I had it to do over... I probably would have done the same things, I learned a lot about myself in the process. That made it worth it to me.   


Yep, there is that part;  I can't change the past, not sure I'd do it over again but I dd learn a lot!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/21/2008 11:23:46 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I friend once said to me, "Just because you feel a connection to something doesn't mean you have to have it." I felt that was pretty wise, even though I really felt it calling to me.

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/21/2008 4:46:52 PM   
catize


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Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

 "Just because you feel a connection to something doesn't mean you have to have it."  


I like that; thanks!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/21/2008 7:06:15 PM   
MamaDomme1


Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		I also have someone in my past that I shall never completely get over..... haven't spoken in more than a year (he usually tries a couple times a year) but this evening my cell phone rang and it was his number.  I let it continue until voicemail picked up, for the first time in years he didn't leave a message.  Maybe he has finally figured out that I won't back peddle for him any longer.

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/21/2008 7:16:41 PM   
MissLily


Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Oh no, you're not crazy. There was an attraction and that has nothing to do with logic, safety or otherwise. When you heard his voice, the memory of the strong emotions you once felt, and that felt good or were appealing came back.

What would have been crazy is not to have resisted the temptation. I'm glad you did for your sake.

Good luck,
Miss Lily

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RE: Deja-BOO - 8/21/2008 7:43:44 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Yeah, I've been through this sort of thing.  Then, I spend a couple minutes with the guy, realize how neurotic I feel, and congratulate myself on getting out of a bad situtation before it got worse.  Or, I hear rumors, and think, 'but for the grace of god go I.'

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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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