Dominant Aloofness

Dominant Aloofness (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

yourMissTress -> Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 4:55:28 PM)
Is this really a thing? Ha Ha! I mean, ok, I've been accused of it and I've seen it referred to on the boards. Even LA mentioned it in a post, so it has to be something that people do, but why? As I said, I have been accused of it. Here's the set up: I meet sub A. I'm lukewarm about him. He's ok, but nothing special. He emails me 2x a day for a week with minimal response. I'm not leading him on, but I've not turned him away either. Not because I'm playing a game with him, but I'm just not interested or disinterested enough to do either. He accuses me of playing the Aloof (but of course hot as hell for him) Domme game and says he's not emailing again so that I can chase him. I've read the phrases Domly Aloof and Aloof Domliness at least 5 times in the last week here on the forums, and I found this post by LA which I don't get at all. I mean, I understand what she's saying, but not how not having an orgasm proves ones dominance. I don't understand why making yourself appear emotionally distant would be a good thing in a relationship. I don't understand the game playing. There must be more to it than what I am seeing. Those of you who get it, please explain. Those of you who do it, why? what do you get from it? Those of you experiencing it, how does it make you feel? about yourself and the person doing it?

StrongSpirit -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 5:16:19 PM)
Why do you continue to communicate with someone you are so lukewarm about? It seems to me that the sub has gotten the wrong idea about how you feel about him. That may be his fault, or it may be yours. Most likely it is a little bit of both. Why keep the relationship?

yourMissTress -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 5:28:30 PM)
I didn't.

KnightofMists -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 5:30:07 PM)
It is a matter of intent and perspective isn't it? I don't get the Dominant that has the intent to do X so can cause Sub 1 can feel more submissive and the Dominant is being more Aloof to achieve this result. I don't get it! I don't have intents to make my girls Feel more Slave like or my Submissive. I do things sometimes that I know will make them feel better of themselves... and I do things that I want and enjoy.. or things that need to happen for the Well-being of the relationship. We are very compatiable and just being who we are causes the power dynamic to flow rather naturally. Secondly.. people's perspective doesn't mean it's accurate. Like you situation with subby boy. Like you .. I have been accused of being aloof.. in most cases it stems from Play events..(since this about the only place that people in the lifestyle see me 99% of the time) When I go to a play event.. guess what.. I didn't go there to talk and socialize... I went to play... and until I play... I really not to interested in talking with anyone at any great length. So.. I arrive at a play party.... I find a place to sit and wait for the opening of play. As soon as it opens.. 99% I am getting up to get started. With both girls being played.. It easily takes about 3 hours of the night away as a minimum and I hardly want to use my limited time wasted talking.. I came to play. I don't go to munches as a rule.. which are really good places for alot of group interactions... and because of that.. I suppose I get more labeled with that aloofness. Fact is... I enjoy those little coffees.. the phone call chats... the one on one... or a small handful of people. I find the enjoyment to be much greater for me in those situations.. the conversations are lot more personal... I HATE SMALL TALK.... maybe because I stink at it lol. So.. the situations people might see us.. will cause others to label us as aloof at times... only becuase we don't interact the way they think we should. Instead.. I nteract in the situations I am in the way that pleases me and I am comfortable with... is that causes some to label me as aloof.. so be it... The smart ones... and maybe if the perspective ones... will knock on my door and find out that I am very open to talking.. in the right situation.... I do have an open door policy... I don't turn people away that need or want my opinion for whatever reason. In fact... they just might learn abit about me that they will not learn any other way.

DomDolf -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 5:43:11 PM)
I've been accused of this also. I am not aloof, or if I am it is not an attempt to do something dishonest or misleading. Either engage me confidently and with something interesting or don't expect me to treat you like you are any more special than the mail man bringing me another credit card offer. K of M, I have heard the same when it comes to my play time. I get so into my mindset that I don't like to be "disturbed" by the social aspects. About the most interaction I will have until I play is "are you waiting for this?" After I am done and I have "come down" I like to interact a little more. I enjoy hearing what people think of my scene and I like to catch up with SOME people.. lol Dolf

yourMissTress -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 5:58:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists It is a matter of intent and perspective isn't it? I don't get the Dominant that has the intent to do X so can cause Sub 1 can feel more submissive and the Dominant is being more Aloof to achieve this result. I don't get it! I don't have intents to make my girls Feel more Slave like or my Submissive. I do things sometimes that I know will make them feel better of themselves... and I do things that I want and enjoy.. or things that need to happen for the Well-being of the relationship. We are very compatiable and just being who we are causes the power dynamic to flow rather naturally. YES!!!! That mental/emotional manipulation, I don't get it. I would think that for most adults this type of manipulation might work once, but then get old and boring. And I like the point about doing things necessary for the relationship to remain. quote: Secondly.. people's perspective doesn't mean it's accurate. Like you situation with subby boy. Like you .. I have been accused of being aloof.. in most cases it stems from Play events..(since this about the only place that people in the lifestyle see me 99% of the time) When I go to a play event.. guess what.. I didn't go there to talk and socialize... I went to play... and until I play... I really not to interested in talking with anyone at any great length. So.. I arrive at a play party.... I find a place to sit and wait for the opening of play. As soon as it opens.. 99% I am getting up to get started. With both girls being played.. It easily takes about 3 hours of the night away as a minimum and I hardly want to use my limited time wasted talking.. I came to play. I don't go to munches as a rule.. which are really good places for alot of group interactions... and because of that.. I suppose I get more labeled with that aloofness. Fact is... I enjoy those little coffees.. the phone call chats... the one on one... or a small handful of people. I find the enjoyment to be much greater for me in those situations.. the conversations are lot more personal... I HATE SMALL TALK.... maybe because I stink at it lol. So.. the situations people might see us.. will cause others to label us as aloof at times... only becuase we don't interact the way they think we should. Instead.. I nteract in the situations I am in the way that pleases me and I am comfortable with... is that causes some to label me as aloof.. so be it... The smart ones... and maybe if the perspective ones... will knock on my door and find out that I am very open to talking.. in the right situation.... I do have an open door policy... I don't turn people away that need or want my opinion for whatever reason. In fact... they just might learn abit about me that they will not learn any other way. Eh, they are just jealous that you aren't over in the corner sharing all your "domly secrets" of how to snag two hot chics and have them adore you.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:07:44 PM)
If my Sir was "aloof" we would not work as a couple. I need attention, and feedback to feel and do my best. One of the things i love most about him is his human-ness - his caring, his sensitivity, his sense of fun and mischief - all things i would miss if he was compelled to be aloof. If that is your natural bend, then so be it, but to put on a facade to cow a submissive screams to me of insecurity - of not being comfortable in who or what you are.

yourMissTress -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:09:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 If my Sir was "aloof" we would not work as a couple. I need attention, and feedback to feel and do my best. One of the things i love most about him is his human-ness - his caring, his sensitivity, his sense of fun and mischief - all things i would miss if he was compelled to be aloof. If that is your natural bend, then so be it, but to put on a facade to cow a submissive screams to me of insecurity - of not being comfortable in who or what you are. What a great point!

Abaddon2u -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:13:10 PM)
I tend to be quiet, reserved, and introspective. My normal mode of operation is to observe, listen, reflect, and then act. It is much more appealing to me to act rather than react. As for my philosophy, it is our actions rather than our words that define us to others. This has caused some in my life a little difficulty at times. Such terms as emotionally unavailable, aloft, cold, and uncaring to name a few have been directed at me in times of stress and anger, however after the outburst had run it’s course it almost always finishes with , “but I know you love me.” That being said, it is my understanding that this site is a place for like minded people to connect. Real people with real hopes, dreams and desires, come here in the hope of making a real life connection. It is not an unreasonable expectation, that when one opens communication with another that the communication should progress to a definitive answer, one way or the other. If it was me, and please OP do not take this as criticism, for no such is intended, I would owe it to myself and the submissive to determine if the lukewarm feelings could be fanned into something greater, and if not to clearly state so. Sometimes a connection can not be made, it is not rejection, just a clear assessment of each others goals and desires. I have been called a number of things in my life, some were accurate, and some came from a lack of understanding. I accept full responsibility for those times where the misunderstandings were the result of my inability to communicate clearly. Now for the short answer, Yes, I have been called alooft. Regards, Abaddon “the only difference between myself and a mad man is that I am not mad.” - Salvador Dali

yourMissTress -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:25:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Abaddon2u That being said, it is my understanding that this site is a place for like minded people to connect. Real people with real hopes, dreams and desires, come here in the hope of making a real life connection. It is not an unreasonable expectation, that when one opens communication with another that the communication should progress to a definitive answer, one way or the other. If it was me, and please OP do not take this as criticism, for no such is intended, I would owe it to myself and the submissive to determine if the lukewarm feelings could be fanned into something greater, and if not to clearly state so. Sometimes a connection can not be made, it is not rejection, just a clear assessment of each others goals and desires. You make a good point here. And progression is the key word. Can lukewarm be fanned to something greater in a week? I'm sure it can for some, but it just wasn't happening for me.

DomDolf -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:33:07 PM)
If the chemistry is there it is known by both parties. No guessing, no wondering. It flows, it works. Dolf

derfrewop -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:39:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yourMissTress YES!!!! That mental/emotional manipulation, I don't get it. I would think that for most adults this type of manipulation might work once, but then get old and boring. And I like the point about doing things necessary for the relationship to remain. You almost nailed it. Playing aloof is a tactic favored by "doms" who really don't get the concept that it is a relationship. Its used by those who think that a Dom is supposed to be perfect and since they are not, they adopt an attitude of being above all that. It is actually a sign that the "Dom" is starting to understand the central role of emotional relationships with the sub, but still hasn't understood that honesty is the only thing that allows an imperfect person to be come the perfect Master for their sub. Playing aloof pretty much guarantees that no emotional connection ever happens. So don't put up with this type of bull but also, don't think it is a reason to crush them. Its just a detour on the road we are all on. Many of us have made this mistake and many more will in the future. If you think he might be ready to see the error, let him know. If not, leave knowing that he will either get it eventually or get tired of never getting beyond preliminary meetings.

UR2Badored -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:39:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yourMissTress I've read the phrases Domly Aloof and Aloof Domliness at least 5 times in the last week here on the forums, Fast Reply~ I wonder if "aloof" on either end of the paddle refers to polite conversation perceived as something more. It doesnt seem that "aloof" as presented on the boards is always standoffish behavior but simply indifferent. It's difficult for me to determine if something is "aloof" without witnessing the transaction. For some reason, I've missed all the "aloof" references until you pointed them out (thanks) and to think I was just getting comfortable with not being "real". Somethin' else to worry about. ::shugs:: Peace :o)

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:54:49 PM)
I've never been called this, at least to my face. I understand that it lends a certain hotness for some...and in some circumstances that's true for me, but it's not something I'd follow in an established relationship. I mean, I love the whole Victorian idea about the Lord and Lady of the Manor only interacting with the higher echelon of the staff, I simply can't have a deep, meaningful relationship with no or little emotional investment and I can't imagine having someone in my family who is not in a deep, meaningful relationship with me. Even if that investment is simply deep appreciation for someone, it's still there. But, I know it works for many people. Master Fire

Leatherist -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 6:57:54 PM)
Everyone wants to think they are the hottest thing on the planet. So of course, anyone who could possibly resist that has to be "cold."

LaTigresse -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 7:06:20 PM)
I've been called alot of things along this line. Stuck up, snobby, bitch that forgot where she came from, rude, etc. I don't particularly enjoy group gatherings and small talk. I don't need alot of social interaction to be happy. If a prospective slave needs alot of chatter to be comfy then they should probably move on. I don't always need words to communicate. Of course this all means I don't have many friends, I am good with that. I don't want to do the, "lets get together and do xxxx". I honestly don't have the time for an extensive social life. I am what I am and see no need to change.

Jeffff -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 7:12:23 PM)
I like alot of alone time........... I 'm not playing I just like it. As a matter of fact for me a relationship suffers from..... living together. day after day after day.........I don't moind monogamy..... but the whole. " how was your day " shit. really can get to me But thats just me. aloof?...maybe Jeff

yourMissTress -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 7:13:54 PM)
I would never have pegged you for the introverted and quiet type! [;)]

Jeffff -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 7:16:45 PM)
Pffffffffffffffff... Lat?..... she has almost everyone fooled........ Ward

yourMissTress -> RE: Dominant Aloofness (8/20/2008 7:18:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam I've never been called this, at least to my face. I understand that it lends a certain hotness for some...and in some circumstances that's true for me, but it's not something I'd follow in an established relationship. I mean, I love the whole Victorian idea about the Lord and Lady of the Manor only interacting with the higher echelon of the staff, I simply can't have a deep, meaningful relationship with no or little emotional investment and I can't imagine having someone in my family who is not in a deep, meaningful relationship with me. Even if that investment is simply deep appreciation for someone, it's still there. But, I know it works for many people. Master Fire Thank you!

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625